Laser Standoffs, Superhero Shenanigans, and a Shrinking Crisis!

“Laser Standoffs, Superhero Shenanigans, and a Shrinking Crisis!” Ep. 187

In this laugh-out-loud, genre-bending episode of Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy, chaos reigns supreme at Perswayssick County’s top-secret Area Fifty-And-Four-Fourths! As interdimensional mishaps unfold, Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey finds himself growing to giant proportions—and then shrinking out of sight—thanks to a mysterious difalconiumyte-powered gloog. Meanwhile, Professor Willard Wallbang proposes a metaphysical solution to repair an alien spaceship, but will Sooperflea and the Perswayssick Superhero Academy rise to the challenge?

As alien enforcer Vloxx holds everyone at laser gunpoint, tensions boil over between private investigator Clover Arlo Cookie, his enigmatic client Brunhilde, and an allegedly priceless Space Duck. Elsewhere, Nicki Rodriguez grapples with telepathic conversations and a bumpy ride in a red 1964½ Mustang, while a Poe-quoting raven and an ominous Mierk Fest billboard hint at stranger things to come.

Will Zig reclaim his rightful place as Grate Gizzygalumpaggis? Will Ebegneeezer take advantage of their uncanny resemblance? And most importantly—where the stinkin’ heck did Zig go?

Join us for a wild ride of comedy, sci-fi, fantasy, and absurdity in this action-packed adventure!  \Tune in now to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy and immerse yourself in the wacky world of intergalactic misadventures! 🎧 Listen now and brace yourself for the unexpected!

Episode Artwork created by ChatGPT

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

https://buymeacoffee.com/Perswayssick (Please support us with a one-time gift or monthly sponsorship amount—various levels available—to help keep us coming to you via BuyMeACoffee.com! We’ll shout you out during our podcast episodes and in our show notes here, plus supply you with more fun perks!)  

https://www.amazon.com/Vicki-Sola/e/B07J29RVMQ (Amazon Author Page, check out our Gneeecey/Nicki e-books and paperbacks!)

https://www.nfreads.com/interview-with-author-vicki-sola/ (Interview with Vicki Solá)

https://perswayssickradio.buzzsprout.com (right here, our Buzzsprout website w/episodes & transcripts!)   

And many thanks to disproportionately cool artist Jay Hudson for our podcast logo! https://yojayhudson.com/

Transcript

Transcript / Laser Standoffs, Superhero Shenanigans, and a Shrinking Crisis! – Episode 187, by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2025 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Music Eerie Drama]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In our last episode, “Leader of His Own Free World,” chaos reigns supreme. The standoff taking place at Perswayssick County’s mysterious Area Fifty-And-Four-Fourths continues. Dimension-burn-plagued canine-humanoids Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey, his conniving doppelgänger Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay, Gneeecey’s BFF Fleaglossitty “Flea” Floppinsplodge, otherwise known as “Sooperflea,” Beagle-humanoid Private Eye Clover Arlo Cookie, and his glamorous but mysterious client, Dachshund-humanoid Brunhilde, are being held at gunpoint—laser gunpoint—by the furious two-headed, silver-suited canine-humanoid alien Vloxx. Each time Gneeecey moves, Vloxx zaps him in the, uh, posterior.

SFX: [Space, Mystery Tune] [Laser] [SciFi Laser]

VLOXX: Well, no one is going anywhere until my demands are satisfied.

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Oh yeah?

SFX: [Laser] [SciFi Laser]

D: Yaaaaaah! My lousy bimbus!

V: Try it again. I said, no one is going anywhere until my demands are satisfied.

SFX: [Laser] [SciFi Laser]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Vloxx, demanding restitution for his destroyed spaceship, refuses to let anyone leave until he receives assurance that Gneeecey, who’d accidentally skyjacked the flying saucer, will reimburse him. (And, a note here…. It was actually evil stowaway Nurse Maudlyn who was responsible for stealing the spacecraft from Gneeecey, Flea, and Ebegneeezer, back on Planet Opposite Earth—and crashlanding it into Area Fifty-And-Four-Fourths’ gravelly ground. And now, the escape artist has disappeared again.) Meanwhile, enigmatic Professor Willard Wallbang has shown up, prepared to offer answers and solutions. But Gneeecey and Brunhilde are too busy threatening to sue each other, each claiming ownership of the difalconiumyte-necklaced Space Duck. Brunhilde insists that the mallard, her “malted falcon” she hired Detective Clover to find, is hers—as is the precious choker. 

And white-and-black Jack Russell-humanoid Gneeecey is anxious to make it to the county courthouse before it closes so that he can, in human Earthling Nicki Rodriguez’s absence, be declared Grate Gizzygalumpaggis—leader—of Perswayssick County, an office he’s held before. However, he has one small problem—make that a giant problem…. 

As a result of his carrying a large, silver item—a gloog, composed of powerful ninety-nine percent difalconiumyte—in his rather oversized T-shirt pocket as he dimension-jumped, the elbow-high canine-humanoid has suddenly become a seven-footer, and can’t stop hopping. He throws the gloog at Professor Wallbang.

 SFX: [Space, Mystery Tune] [ComedyBoing]

G: Haaaaalp! Here—stinkin’ take it! SFX: [Bang] An’ stop talkin’ ’bout me like I ain’t here! What do I do now? I can’t stop hoppin’ up an’ down, an’ I feel like I’m still gettin’ bigger!

PROFESSOR WILLARD WALLBANG: Indeed, you are, Diroctor Gneeecey. I do consider myself to be a most highly evolved metaphysician, but even I must take time to give this matter some thought….

G: Well, wit’ all due disrespect, don’t take too stinkin’ long to figure it out!

SFX: [ComedyBoing] [Space, Mystery Tune]

“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY” FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA: Professor Wallbang, didn’t you say you had some possible solutions for us?

PWW: Yes, Mister Floppinsplodge, I did. And this solution involves you. I think we can characterize my proposal as a win/win situation.

V: Well, Professor Wallbang, get on with it, then. What is your plan?

PWW: I propose that you allow my most proficient Perswayssick Superhero Academy students, through the use of their metaphysical skills, to reconstruct your spacecraft. And I shall charge our graduate, one of my star pupils here, Mister Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, known around these parts as “Sooperflea,” with supervision of students repairing your ship.

F: Professor Wallbang, ain’t that a tall order? I’m flattered that ya would consider me for this, but—I mean, that spaceship over there is a complete wreckage—a heap of busted metal, an’—

PWW: Mister Floppinsplodge, did I not teach you that the first step toward success as it relates to any metaphysical endeavor is maintaining the steadfast belief that your goal will be accomplished? 

F: Yes, Professor….

PWW: Your friend Nicki Rodriguez failed to believe that she could fly over that six-foot-tall cinderblock wall. That is why she failed so very miserably, crashing headfirst into it and suffering a rather grave head injury that she was most fortunate to recover from. 

V: How do I know that this project will be completed to my satisfaction?

PWW: I myself shall oversee the process and contribute my own energetic forces where necessary. Furthermore, this project shall enable my students, whom I have already handpicked, to receive academic credits toward matriculation. All I would ask in return, Mister Vloxx, is that at the completion of this project, you leave us a five-star review on our website. As I stated earlier, it’s a win/win situation for all involved here—for you and your people, for Diroctor Gneeecey here, and for our venerable institution. Do we have a deal?

V: Yes, Professor Wallbang. How long do you anticipate the reconstruction to take?

PWW: A fortnight, I believe.

G: A fartnight? That ain’t very much time, Fleaglossitty—

F: Oh, gee, Zig, you’re right…. It ain’t….

PWW: Mister Floppinsplodge, I anticipate that a period of two weeks shall be more than adequate for this reconstruction to be completed. Remember, key is your steadfast belief that you will accomplish this goal. There may even be a highly sought position on our teaching staff available to you upon successful completion. 

F: Oh, gee, Professor Wallbang!

G: Fleaglossitty, I hope youse guys fix the food repooplicator as good as I did!

PWW: As a matter of fact, Diroctor Gneeecey, we shall make a slight alteration during this reconstructive project, ensuring that the “lunch” button is not installed in close proximity to the “launch” button.

G: Ya don’t gotta rub it in—it was a lousy accident!

PWW: So, Mister Vloxx, do we have a deal?

V: Yes, Professor, we do. But keep in mind, I will be monitoring the quality of repairs and progress made. I would like to speak further with you and Mister Floppinsplodge at this time. Everyone else is free to go.

G: Stinkin’ thank Saint Bogelthorpe!

E: About bloody time, I’d say! 

CLOVER ARLO COOKIE, P.I.: Let’s go, Conrad. It’s late. Wife must wonder where I am.          

SUN CONURE PARROT CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure] 

SPACE DUCK: Quack, quack! Quack, quack!

BRUNHILDE: Come, my malted falcon!

G: Ya ain’t gonna have my Space Duck long—I’ll see yooou in a law of court, Brunhilde! An’ that’s where I’m goin’ now! C’mon, Ebegoogoo! You’re comin’ wit’ me! I don’t trust yooou! I gotta keep an eye on ya! 

EBEGNEEEZER GESUNDHEIT EEECEYGNAY: That’s Ebegneeezer, old chap!

SFX: [Space, Mystery Tune] [ComedyBoing] [Music Eerie Drama]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, Earthling human Nicki Rodriguez continues to exist in that alternate timeline after having merged accidentally with her double. She’s found herself in Perswayssick County, seemingly for the first time. After suffering several traumatic events, she’s befriended by Fleaglossitty “Flea” Floppinsplodge, otherwise known as “Sooperflea.” The black-furred canine-humanoid is driving her, in her red 1964-and-a-half Mustang, to Perswayssick City, where he says his best friend, Zig, will take care of her. She’s dismayed by Flea’s awful driving, and by the fact that he is able to read her mind. 

SFX: [Misgivings & Misfortune] [Car Engine]

NICKI RODRIGUEZ: His driving was driving me crazy, I thought to myself. Flea’s head whipped around. “Did’ja say somethin’?”
 “No—not a word,” I replied, in the most convincing tone I could muster.
 “Oh. Okay.”
 I decided I’d better think as quietly as possible. But wasn’t I entitled to the privacy of my own mind? Wasn’t that a most basic right? I faked a cough to cover those last couple thoughts.
 “Ya oughtta get that checked,” advised Flea. “Sounds bad.”
 Uncomfortable with my deception, I turned my attention to the world outside. Street Road, more country-like now, had been graced by an early autumn. A chaotic carpet of riotous hues crackled under the Mustang’s sporty tires. 

“Perswayssick County’s so pretty this time of year,” proclaimed Flea, misty-eyed.
 “Uh-huh.” Vision blurred by my own tears, I cradled my pounding head and cursed my luck.

Since graduation two years before—still grappling with my dad’s death the summer after freshman year—I’d been toiling away for pennies. Didn’t have time or strength to look for another “dream” job. My part-time gig at the left end of the FM dial, hosting and producing a noncommercial salsa show, wasn’t bad, although the pay was. Management gave me free reign pretty much, as long as I didn’t blow the place up, and local bands were grateful for the exposure I gave them.
 And I’d met Carlos. But I worked thankless twelve-hour shifts at the other end of the dial, at slick Spanish commercial station, WUGG, where I yearned to lock myself inside a soundproof studio, stuff a rag in my mouth, and scream at the top of my lungs during my twenty-minute
 lunch. Only thing stopping me was that my boss would probably be hiding with me, videotaping my meltdown.
 Freelance production augmented my slim earnings. Doing odd jobs for showbiz wannabes helped chip away at my student loans, and my sanity.
 I’d just pulled an all-nighter, recording a client. Now, here I sat, nursing a migraine, talking to a driving dog.
 I coughed so loudly, Flea almost drove off the road.

SFX: [Magic Spell]

The sinking sun shot glistening copper highlights across the acres of tall fields that surrounded us, making them shimmer and click in the cool breeze. SFX: [Metal Click 4]
 Enraptured, Flea pulled over and parked. “Ah, rindom, the source of life! It’s harvest time!” Clusters of raspy arrows protruded from each weapon-like plant.
 Bucolic calm shattered abruptly when a tornado of black feathers exploded up from the stalks, followed by an outraged raven, thrashing to free itself from the hostile crops’ clutches.

SFX: [Crow]
 After a prolonged, ear-splitting battle, the bird sputtered into the sky, shrieking “Nevermore!” and set down atop a nearby billboard. Mierk Fest on the Perswayssick! advertised the sign, picturing a motley assortment of humans and canine-humanoids mingling happily. Mierking,
 Goonafishing,& Picnicking! Fun for the Whole Family! Snatturday & Someday,
 Septober 16th & 17th!
 Fluttering about, still delivering its soliloquy, the Poe crow fell off its perch. Flea giggled, then started the car, hit the wrong pedal and climbed the curb. SFX: [Screeching Brakes]
 My jaw tightened.
 He glanced my way. “My telepathy stopped workin, ’bout three miles ago.”
 “Oh?”
 “It’s been kinda spotty,” he added, leaning closer, “like summa my other powers. Some days, my ESP don’t work at all. but I do know, your dad is lookin’ out for ya.”
 SFX: [Misgivings & Misfortune] [Car Engine] [Space, Mystery Tune]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ:  Meanwhile, back in that other timeline….

SFX: [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo] [ComedyBoing]

E: This is bloody ridiculous!

G: Shaaadup, Ebegoogoo. We’re almost at the lousy county courthouse. 

E: I must look like an absolute fool, riding down the road on your shoulders.

G: Looky…. I took the back way so less people would see us. An’ this way’s quicker, too. I’m stinkin’ seven-feet-tall. Ain’t no way we coulda fit in a taxi. 

E: I could’ve taken a taxi or bus and met you there.

G: I caaan’t trust ya. Since we look alike, ya might try an’ take advantage—y’know, impersonate me!

E: Look, I’ve already told you I have no choice but to cooperate with you if I ever want to return to my home planet HyenaZitania and see my wife and daughters again. We did come to an agreement.

G: I’m glaaad ya realizate that. Okay, here we are. Ya can get down, now. I’m gonna have to duck so I don’t bang my dopey noodle on the lousy door frame. SFX: [Door Open] [Space, Mystery Tune] Now, I gotta find Judge Blobbert. I hope he ain’t gone for the day. Hey! I ain’t hoppin’ no more!

E: But now you’re shrinking—and rather rapidly! You’re only the height of my kneecap—wait, make that my ankle! 

G: Ebegoogoo—ya gotta pick me up! Put me in your pocket an’ take me back to my house! You’ll hafta explain to Grandma an’ Doctor Idnas what’s goin’ on! Doctor Idnas might be able to help me! 

E: Perhaps you should go to hospital!

G: Perhaphoops not! We only got two hospoopitals in this county—Florence Ferguson Memorial an’ Holy Krapp. That lousy Nurse Maudlyn could be hidin’ out in one of ’em. Jus’ stinkin’ pick me up! Put me in your pocket an’ bring me home—pleeeease!

E: I would if I could, old chap. But now, I can’t even see you! Where the bloody hell are you?

SFX: [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com. 

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###