If It Was Really a Wormhole, We'd Be Unalive: Adventures on Opposite Earth, Pt. 7

“If It Was Really a Wormhole, We’d Be Unalive: Adventures on Opposite Earth, Pt. 7” Episode 172

Still stranded on Opposite Earth, Nicki, Gneeecey, Sooperflea, and Ebegneeezer continue crunching through red, glass-like grass, in search of food, shelter, and anything that might make sense. Sooperflea starts talking about how the many problems back in Perswayssick County must be much worse without them. Gneeecey, already stressed out because his feathered pet Space Duck was abducted by Urgl the orange outhouse-dwelling monster, exhibits canine behaviors, biting up and down his arm. Flea scolds him, reminding him that although they descended from dogs back on Planet Eccchs, much like dogs descended from wolves, they are now proud, upright-walking canine-humanoids. Good, productive citizens.

Meanwhile, back in the dimension of Perswayssick County, Beagle-humanoid Detective Clover Arlo Cookie and sun conure parrot assistant Conrad pay therapist Ingabore Scriblig, AKA “Grandma,” and Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas as visit. Unfortunately, he has no news for them. It’s gotten out that Nicki and Gneeecey are missing, and temporary acting county leader, Bassett Hound-humanoid Jacob J. Qwertyuiop isn’t handling stress very well. The Surprise Party, comprised of Perswayssick County’s most notorious bad guys, is demanding a special election. 

And Detective Clover still hasn’t found the strange silver triangular piece of metal he’d kept in his pocket for safekeeping. 

Back on Opposite Earth, Urgl’s winged outhouse comes flying though the magenta skies again—headed for Nicki, Gneeecey, Sooperflea, and Ebegneeezer. Urgl, muttering his usual nonsense,  hurls Gneeecey’s kidnapped pet Space Duck out of his half-moon-doored shack. Silver necklace missing, the feathered mallard sprints into what appears to be a wormhole—chased by Gneeecey.

Episode Artwork created by ChatBox AI

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

https://buymeacoffee.com/Perswayssick (Please support us with a one-time gift or monthly sponsorship amount—various levels available—to help keep us coming to you via BuyMeACoffee.com! We’ll shout you out during our podcast episodes and in our show notes here, plus supply you with more fun perks!)  

https://www.amazon.com/Vicki-Sola/e/B07J29RVMQ (Amazon Author Page, check out our Gneeecey/Nicki e-books and paperbacks!)

https://www.nfreads.com/interview-with-author-vicki-sola/ (Interview with Vicki Solá)

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And many thanks to disproportionately cool artist Jay Hudson for our podcast logo! https://yojayhudson.com/

Transcript

Transcript / If It Was Really a Wormhole, We’d Be Unalive: Adventures on Opposite Earth, Pt. 7 – Episode 172, by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Space Exploration] [SciFi Glimmer]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: And we’re back with Earth human Nicki Rodriguez, her three canine-humanoid companions—Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey, “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, also known as “Sooperflea,” plus Gneeecey’s evil doppelganger from Planet HyenaZitania, Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay—and another human, rotten Nurse Maudlyn, and Gneeecey’s feathered pet, Space Duck. Because their spaceship, the Starship Waterloo, has dematerialized, they find themselves stranded, zillions of miles away, on the strange planet Opposite Earth. This is our season finale….

SFX: [Magic Spell]

SFX: [Footsteps Gravel] [Glass Debris] [Crow]

NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Look up there—in the sky! There’s another one of those cloud-shaped black liquid pools, filled with white crows!

EBEGNEEEZER GESUNDHEIT EEECEYGNAY: And look—right underneath is a bloody outhouse—with wings! Crikey—it’s flying toward us! 

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY & “FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA” [in unison]: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe!

F: I didn’t really think outhouses could fly, when I said that!

G: Awready told ya, Fleaglossitty, it’s out-hice. That is the propooper plural of the word “outhouse.” 

SFX: [Magic Puff] [Magical Twinkle Tone] [Reverse Magical Spell] [Door Open] [Monster] [Animal Lion]

G: It’s that stinkin’ Urgl, sittin’ on his golden terlit! An’ he looks maaad—his orange fuzzy hair’s even more messier than mine! It’s stickin’ out in a zillion directions!

URGL: My blue peaches dissected the entire round building and shouted that I have to take your silver gloog until my elliptical dashboard reunites with the moon’s speeding dictionary.

SFX: [SuperPowerFlyBy]

SPACE DUCK: Quack!

G: My Space Duck! He vacuumed him from outta my pocket, right into his hands! Gimme back my pet duck!

SFX: [Reverse Magic Spell] [Magic Glitter]

E: Bloody hell….

N: Holy crap!

F: He’s gone!

G: Wit’ my poor pet Space Duck! All I got left of him is a lousy buncha feathers!

SFX: [Space Exploration]

G: What are we stinkin’ gonna do? Our dopey spaceship disappeared, an’ now we’re straaanded here on this lousy planet wit’ three-headed purpoople aliens an’ flyin’ out-hice!

F: Ya mean outhouses, Zig.

G: No, I mean outhice. Jus’ ’cause I’m straaanded don’t mean I’m gonna give up the rules of grammar an’ waste vowels an’ consonants.

F: Y’know, Zig, we can’t worry about your grammar, we got much more serious problems here.

G: Well, what are we stinkin’ gonna dooo?

N: Let’s just keep walking, Diroctor Gneeecey. That’s all we can do. We’ve gotta keep walking until we find food and shelter….

G: An’ we gotta find that lousy silver gloog, or that orange monster on the terlit in the flyin’ outhouse won’t tell us how I can get my spaceship back—or my duck!

E: Well, old chap, we’ve got no choice…. Let’s bloody keep walking then… 

N: Yep, let’s keep crunching through this red glassy grass….in search of anything that makes sense….

SFX: [Footsteps Gravel] [Glass Debris]

F: Y’know, Zig, things gotta be priddy bad back in Perswayssick County, y’know, wit’ you an’ Nicki missin’. I mean, you’re our county Quality of Life Commissioner an’ Nicki’s our leader, our new Grate Gizzy, an’ you know, all them bad guys, them power-hungry Markmen alien gangsters, and them evil clowns, y’know, the whole Surprise Party that ran against Nicki in the election? An’ me, our county’s head superhero, I ain’t even around to help keep order. I’m sure our Vice Quality of Life Commissioner, that Basset Houd-humanoid, he ain’t able to control all of them. I’ve always thought he was kinda wishy-washy an’ weak. An’ poor Grandma an’ Doctor Idnas, tryin’ to keep themselves an’ your mansion safe. 

N: Flea—Flea! C’mon--let’s maybe change the subject!

F: An’ who knows what’s happenin’ to your Gneeezles’s Restaurant? I don’t think your giant, lazy mouse Altitude’s up to the task. Jus’ like I don’t think that dope of a donkey-humanoid—your brown-nosin’ intern Stu Pitt—is up to runnin’ your GAS Broadcast Network! An’ now, we’re helpless, stuck here on this—Zig! Zig! Stop! What are ya doin’? 

N: He’s chewing up and down his arm—just bit his wrist—

SFX: [Duck horn]

G: Ow! That stinkin’ watch always hurts my nose!

N: He’s reverting to dog behavior!

E: He bloody sure is. Next he’ll be chasing his tail….

F: Zig! Zig! Stop! We may have descended from dogs back on Planet Eccchs, jus’ like dogs descended from wolves, but them canine tendencies were trained out of us—many boingtangs ago! We are proud canine-humanoids—good, productive citizens walkin’ upright on two legs! Drivin’! Runnin’ businesses! Zig—Zig—stop! Don’t scoot your bimbus! You’ll be real sorry! Them blades of grass down there are made of glass!

N: C’mon, Diroctor—stop!

G: Look what’cha made me do, Fleaglossitty, talkin’ ’bout all them problemnical probooblems! If I cut up my lousy bimbus, it woulda been your stinkin’ fault!

F: Always blamin’ others for what you do, Zig. Never takin’ any responsibility yourself.

G: La, la, la! La, la, la, I can’t hear you! La, la, la, I can’t hear you!

N: Guys—guys!

SFX: [Eerie Sharp Scary Logo]

N: Professor Wallbang!

PROFESSOR WILLARD WALLBANG: Yes, it is I, Professor Willard Wallbang, or rather a mental projection of myself. I just wanted to inform you that I have been experimenting with the transferal of physical matter over vast distances. Don’t get your hopes up just yet, but in future, I may be able to assist you. That is all. Good day.

N: Professor Wallbang—please—

SFX: [Eerie Sharp Scary Logo]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, very far away, back in the dimension of Perswayssick County….

SFX: [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo] [Cuckoo Clock] [Doorbell]

THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG. AKA “GRANDMA”: Alexandra, dat must be Detective Clover and his assistant Conrad.

DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: I hope dey have some good news for us. Vee need some good news.

SFX: [Doorbell]

IS: I vill get eet.

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open]

IS: Detective Clover, and Conrad. Please come een.

CLOVER ARLO COOKIE, P.I.: Hello, Mrs. Scriblig. Hello Doctor Idnas.

CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]

IS: Detective Clover, do you have any news for us?

DI: Yah, vee really need some good news. Eet has somehow gotten out dat Nicki and Gneeecey are missing, and dee Surprise Party—you know, dee vuns dat opposed Nicki in dee recent election—dose Markmen aliens and dee evil clowns—dey are calling for a new election!

IS: Yah. Vit’ Gneeecey missing, Jacob J. Qwertyuiop ees now temporarily een charge, as Vice Quality of Life Commisioner. And he just does not seem capable of dealing vit’ all dis mounting pressure.

CAC, P.I.: Ladies, I wish I had good news for you, but I don’t yet. Are you sure you haven’t found that strange little silver triangular fragment of metal here?

IS: No. Vee searched everyvhere, but dere ees no sign of eet. 

CAC, P.I.: Thanks. I still can’t imagine how I lost that thing. I sewed up that hole in my pocket pretty well. And my stitches have held. Even my wife said I did a good job. This is a rough case. I have a feeling it’s tied up somehow with my new client Brunhilde. She’s still not telling me everything.

CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]

SFX: [Evil Clown Laugh 6] [Comical Scary Clown Laugh]

IS: Listen to dat—dey mus be on dis property!

DI: Tings are not good here.

SFX: [Carnival Creepy Music Box] [Magic Spell] [Space Exploration] [Footsteps Gravel] [Glass Debris]

G: We been walkin’ all this time an’ we still ain’t seen nuthin’ worth seein’!

F: I think that’s about to change, Zig!

N: Yeah—look up there in the sky—comin out of that big cloud-shaped black liquid pool, filled with white crows

SFX: [Crow] [Magical Twinkle Tone] [Reverse Magical Spell] [Metal Door Open] [Monster] [Animal Lion]

E: Bloody hell!

G: It’s that stinkin’ Urgl, sittin’ on his golden terlit!

URGL: My gelatin briefcase always causes blue spaghetti to swallow running vehicles as they write new songs. I demand that silver gloog so I can have more to vacuum televisions stuck in green traffic. 

G: Stinkin’ whaaat?

SFX: [SuperPowerFlyBy]

SPACE DUCK: Quack!

G: My Space Duck! He jus’ threw him outta the outhouse! 

SFX: [Reverse Magic Spell] [Magic Glitter] [Quack]

G: Space Duck—stinkin’ come back! He’s runnin’ into that tunnel of light—faaast—an’ his silver necklace is missin’! I’m comin’ after ya, Space Duck—don’t run so faaast!

N: Diroctor Gneeecey—that looks like a wormhole of some kind—don’t go in! You might get yourself killed!

F: Zig—no! 

E: Daft fool!

SFX: [Footsteps Gravel] [Glass Debris] 

N: He moves fast—but I still see him! I’m going in after him!

F: Me too! 

E: Bloody hell….

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Quack]

F: It’s like we’re runnin’ on a regular floor here!

N: Diroctor Gneeecey! Turn around! Come back! Ya wanna get killed? It’s a wormhole!

G: It ain’t dangerousical, Ig! If it was really a wormhole, we’d be unalive!

N: These lights—they’re hurting my eyes! C’mon, guys—we’re already near the end of this thing!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] 

N: Holy crap—look out there! It looks like Hackensack—in my New Jersey—back on my planet Earth! There’s the Anderson Street Bridge!

SFX: [Music Eerie Dramatic] [Magic Spell] 

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###