You Can't Eat Money: Adventures on Opposite Earth, Pt. 5

“You Can’t Eat Money: Adventures on Opposite Earth,” Episode 168

After arguing among themselves, Nicki and her canine-humanoid companions Gneeecey, Sooperflea, and Ebegneeezer have no choice but to keep crunching their way through Opposite Earth’s glassy red grass, in search of food and shelter. Before dematerializing, the planet’s fuzzy, orange leader—uh, make that taker—told them he will help them recover their missing spaceship only if they retrieve a silver gloog and place it in his hands.

Far away, back in Perswayssick County, it distresses Beagle-humanoid Detective Clover Arlo Cookie and his sun conure parrot Conrad that a certain strange silver, triangular piece of metal is no longer in his pocket. And three-headed canine-humanoid alien Vloxx pays Detective Clover’s mysterious new client, longhaired Dachshund-humanoid Brunhilde a visit, searching for the same.

Back on Opposite Earth, after trekking many miles, Nicki and her three companions come across what seems to be a restaurant. But it turns out not to be what it seems. And, horror of horrors, once inside they see previously missing, rotten Nurse Maudlyn, quarreling with staff.

Episode Artwork created by ChatBox AI

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

https://buymeacoffee.com/Perswayssick (Please support us with a one-time gift or monthly sponsorship amount—various levels available—to help keep us coming to you via BuyMeACoffee.com! We’ll shout you out during our podcast episodes and in our show notes here, plus supply you with more fun perks!)  

https://www.amazon.com/Vicki-Sola/e/B07J29RVMQ (Amazon Author Page, check out our Gneeecey/Nicki e-books and paperbacks!)

https://www.nfreads.com/interview-with-author-vicki-sola/ (Interview with Vicki Solá)

https://perswayssickradio.buzzsprout.com (right here, our Buzzsprout website w/episodes & transcripts!)   

And many thanks to disproportionately cool artist Jay Hudson for our podcast logo! https://yojayhudson.com/

Transcript

Transcript / You Can’t Eat Money: Adventures on Opposite Earth, Pt. 5 – Episode 168, by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…. 

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Space Exploration] [SciFi Glimmer]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “Say What?”, human Nicki Rodriguez, her canine-humanoid companions “Zig” Gneeecey, his evil doppelganger from Planet HyenaZitania, Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay, and “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, also known as “Sooperflea,” finally find out who’s in charge on Opposite Earth. Stranded, they need to find their missing spaceship. As directed, they’ve led three-headed purple alien Headless to their “taker” and his palace. Sure enough, in the magenta-orb-dotted skies above, a cloud-shaped black liquid pool, filled with white crows heralds their arrival. The grand palace turns out to be a wooden outhouse. Inside, perched upon a golden toilet, is Urgl, a fuzzy orange monster who talks no apparent sense.

URGL: My telephone just rode a cow to your moon. Not over it but onto it. 

HEADLESS: What Urgl means to say is that he may help you recover your spaceship, but first you must bring him something.

U: My goat is a dog because the squirrel has a faster glass suitcase.

NICKI RODRIGUEZ, DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY, &“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA” [in unison]: Say what?

EBEGNEEEZER GESUNDHEIT EEECEYGNAY: Say bloody what?

H: Do not disrespect your taker by questioning him, or he may not help you.

N: But—but—we really don’t understand what he means!

G: Shaddup, Ig. Now, we really don’t understandicate what he means!

H: Urgl says in order for him to help you, you must bring him back something.

G: Stinkin’ what? 

H: You must recover a valuable, missing silver gloog, and place it in his hands. 

F: What’s a gloog? 

G: Quiet, Fleaglossitty. I’m in charge here. Stinkin’ what’s a gloog?

U: This is all a mistaken backache filled with grape syrup.

H: He means that you will know it when you see it, and that is all. You must comply if there is to be any hope for you.

SFX: [Animal Lion] [Monster, Growl] [Magic Puff x 2] [Reverse Magical Spell] [Magic Glitter]

G & F [in unison]: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe!

N: They’re gone—they both jus’ dematerialized!

E: Even the bloody outhouse dematerialized—right before our eyes! 

SFX: [Space Exploration]

N: They’re gone—just like that!

G: Now, what are we stinkin’ supposed to do?

F: You’re the brilliant genius who got us into this whole mess, Zig. You tell us.

G: Shaaadup, Fleaglossitty. I’ll ignauzeate that remark.

E: I quite agree with Mister Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge here, you daft fool. You tell us how you plan to extricate us from this rather dire predicament. You may resemble me, but your brainpower certainly is no match for mine.

G: Who asked you to stow away on my spaceship anyways? I’ll stinkin’ show yooou—

E: Alright, then. Bloody show me, you high-voiced excuse for a man!

G: Why yoooou!

F: Hey you can’t talk to my friend like that—awready told youse, he can’t help that his dopey, expensive voice transplant didn’t work—

G: Why, yooou!

SFX: [Blue Danube Fight]

N: Guys! Guys!

F: We shoulda known better than to fight while we’re standin’ here on this here red grass that’s as sharp as glass!

G: Lemme check on poor Space Duck…. Good…he’s still asleep in my T-shirt pocket. If any of youse hurt my lousy pet duck, I’ll—

N: Guys! Stop this right now! We can’t afford to be here fighting each other. First off, we have to survive. And we have to get back our spaceship!

G: My spaceship!

N: Yeah, Diroctor Gneeecey. Your spaceship.

G: Well, don’t say it like thaaat, Ig, so oogdimonious!

N: Name’s Nicki. Now, we have to find somewhere to shelter. And we ‘ve gotta find something to eat.

F: Yeah. We can’t depend on another cake on wheels, disguised as a red sportscar, to drive right up to us again.

N: Right, Flea. After we find some food and shelter, then we can regroup and try to figure out, what is this silver gloog we’re supposed to find and deliver to this, this Urgl?

E: So, let’s bloody stop talking and start walking, then. At least that bloody, obnoxious Nurse Maudlyn is no longer plaguing us with her presence. 

N: True. Let’s go.

G: Stinkin’ whatever.

F: One more thing, though, Nicki. Since everything here on Opposite Earth is opposite, how do we know what we’re supposed to be lookin’ for?

G: Yeah! An’ another thing, Ebegoogoo, my hideous lookalike. You must know somethin’ ’bout this place that ya ain’t sharin’ wit’ us. You were the first one to call it “Opposite Earth” when my beaudiful, lousy Starship Waterloo was bein’ pulled into its gravoovitational field!

E: The name is Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay, old boy, and I assure you that I know nothing more about this planet than you do. 

N: C’mon, guys, we’ve gotta keep walking. We have to run into something sooner or later.

G: Or perhaphoops somethin’ will stinkin’ run into us!

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Restaurant Ambience] [Dish Ceramic]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, far away, back in Perswayssick County, Beagle-humanoid Detective Clover Arlo Cookie thought the peculiar silver  piece of metal he and his assistant, sun conure parrot Conrad had found at his mysterious client, Dachshund-humanoid Brunilde’s Falcon Farms, was safe in his pocket.

CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]

CLOVER ARLO COOKIE, PI: Okay, Conrad, let’s try the street spaghetti here in this new place. It’s supposed to be pretty tasty. 

CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]

CAC, PI: Lemme put my car keys away before I lose ’em again. Wife says I need to be more careful. Says I should put ’em away in the same place every time…. Lemme put ’em in my pocket here that I just did such a good job of sewin’ up…y’know, where I put that strange little piece of metal, for safe-keepin’…. Hey—what the—it’s gone—that little piece of metal I put in my pocket here for safe-keeping—it’s gone! How could that happen? My sewing job held—there’s no hole in my pocket! 

CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure] [Dish Ceramic]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Detective Clover immediately rang Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas and therapist Ingabore Scriblig, also known as “Grandma,” at Gneeecey’s mansion, where he and Conrad had last been, to ask them to check if the item may have somehow fallen out of his pocket while they were there. A couple hours later….

SFX: [Cell Phone Ring] 

CAC, PI: That must be them, now. Hello?

DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Hallo, Detective Clover, dis ees Alexandra. Ingabore and I have searched dee entire downstairs here, several times, but vee have not come across dat little piece of metal. Vee’re so sorry. Vee hope you find eet.

CAC, PI: Thanks, Doc. This is a real mystery. That hole in my pocket I sewed up—it’s still sewn up. My wife was right. She said I did a really good job…. I’ve gotta find this thing….

CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]

SFX: [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Magic Glitter] 

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, on the outskirts of Perswayssick County, in Booolabeeezia….

SFX: [Ducks]

BRUNHILDE: Vhy, Vloxx, vhat are you doing here? I deed not agree to go to dinner vit’ you yet! [giggles]

VLOXX: Yes, it is I, Vloxx. I will be inviting you to dinner again, however now I must prioritize  finding that shiny, silver triangular piece of metal. Have you seen it here, anywhere here on your Falcon Farms property? 

B: I don’t know! Eeet depends, doesn’t eet! [giggles]

SFX: [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Magic Spell] [Space Exploration] [Footsteps Gravel] 

F: We musta walked five miles awready!

G: An’ we ain’t seen nuthin’ yet! Great plan of yours, huh, Ig?

N: Well, what do you propose we do, Diroctor Gneeecey? Just stay where we are and wait for nothing? 

E: Look—ahead! Straight ahead! There’s an eatery of some sort.

F: Yeah! The sign on the buildin’ says “Food”! C’mon!

SFX: [Footsteps Gravel] [Glass Debris]

N: Here we are!

G: Meee first! 

SFX: [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking]

NURSE MAUDLYN: What kind of establishment is this? I demand to know! The sign on this building says “Food”! And you’re telling me, Nurse Maudlyn, that I’m supposed to give you food so that you can give me money? Why, I haven’t eaten in a couple of hours! If I had food, I wouldn’t be here! I can’t eat money!

E: Bloody hell….

G: The ol’ gasbag’s stinkin’ right ’bout one thing—ya can’t eat mon-ney! Ya really shouldn’t!

N: Ssssssh—c’mon, guys! Let’s go—before she sees us!

SFX: [Space Exploration] [Magic Spell]

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###