Lead Me to Your Taker: Adventures on Opposite Earth

“Lead Me to Your Taker: Adventures on Opposite Earth,” Episode 165

Nicki and her canine-humanoid companions, Gneeecey, Sooperflea, Ebegneeezer, rotten human Nurse Maudlyn, and seven-foot-tall Space Duck have survived a “soft hard” crash landing on Opposite Earth. Nurse Maudlyn has disappeared, and alas, so has Starship Waterloo. Nicki and the motley crew find themselves stranded in a world aptly named, as nothing is as it seems. 

Meanwhile, far away, back on the ground, in Perswayssick County, in Gneeecey’s mansion, Beagle-humanoid Detective Clover Arlo Cookie and his trusty sun conure parrot assistant Conrad have called on Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas and her colleague, therapist Ingabore Scriblig, also known as “Grandma.” Detective Clover shows them a shiny metallic item he’s found, one that causes two-headed, silver-suited canine-humanoid alien Vloxx to suddenly materialize. The detective also tells the two women that he believes that his glamourous new client, the long-haired Dachshund-humanoid Brunhilde, is not telling him everything she knows.

Episode Artwork created by ChatBox AI

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

Episode Artwork created by ChatBox AI

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Transcript

Transcript / Lead Me to Your Taker: Adventures on Opposite Earth – Episode 165, by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…. 

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Spaceship Alien] [Spaceship Resonant] [SciFi Glimmer]

NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Nicki Rodriguez here. Might be Day Six….might be Day Seven of this unintended expedition. I don’t even know anymore…. The only thing I do know is that whenever I think things can’t possibly get any worse…they do…..

SFX: [Airplane Alarm]

N: Holy crap—look at the screen! Looks like we’re being pulled into the gravitational field of some planet!

SFX: [Airplane Alarm] [Sneakers Squeaking] 

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY & “FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA” [in unison]: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe!

SD: Quack!

G: Ig, it looks jus’ like a photootographical negative of your planet Earth!

N: Like an “opposite Earth”!

E: Bloody hell—we’re on a collision course—with Opposite Earth!

SFX: [Spaceship Alien] [Spaceship Resonant] [SciFi Glimmer]

N: Since good ol’ canine-humanoid “Zig” Gneeecey knew nothing about flying his runaway Starship Waterloo because he was too busy programming the food replicator and didn’t expect the spacecraft to take off anytime soon—and that was his fault too, inviting his fellow canine-humanoid buddy “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, also known as “Sooperflea,” and me aboard for lunch, and pressing the launch button instead of the lunch button—well, I tried to step in….

EBEGNEEEZER GESUNDHEIT EEECEYGNAY: Okay, Earth Girl you might as well give it a go, then!

SFX: [Computer Keyboard] [Electronic Cash Register] [Electronic Button] [Intarface 2]

N: I can’t get it to change course! Nothing’s working!

N: So, we were headed for catastrophic collision….through our spacecraft’s windshield, the strange planet—a negative of my Earth—kept getting bigger and bigger, until it filled the entire windshield…and there was nothing any of us—Flea, Gneeecey, his evil, obnoxious stowaway doppelganger Ebegneeezer, or rotten stowaway Nurse Maudlyn or seven-foot-tall, mutated magic necklace-wearing Space Duck could do….except wait to be smashed to pieces….

SFX: [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [SciFi Spaceship, Ship Crash] [Space Shuttle Cargo] [Magic, Magic Puff] [Magic Twinkle Tone] 

G & F [in unison]: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe!

G: It was a craaash landing—a soft hard crash landing!

SPACE DUCK: Quack!

SFX: [Metal Door Open] 

E: Look—the bloody door—it’s opening all on its own!

NURSE MAUDLYN: And I’m no longer paralyzed! I am outta here! Bye, guys!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Footsteps Gravel]

F: Good riddance, ya ol’gasbag!

N: Is it safe to go out there? We don’t even know the makeup of this atmosphere!

F: Yeah!

G: Well, perhaphoops youse guys forget, in addition to many other things, I am a reknowndicated sckientist. I have a doctorate degree in Advanced Gasometry, from P.U.N.I., the one an’ only Perswayssick University of New Ideas! An’ I jus’ happen to have this little doohickey in my T-shirt pocket here somewheres…hmmm…where is it? No, that’s my portable collapsin’ terlit plunger I got on sale at Squiggleman’s…. Ah, here it is…. When I stick this out the door an’ press this little here button, it will tell me the exact compooposition of this planet’s atmosphere.

F: So, you’re actually good for somethin’, huh, Zig?

G: Don’t get intelligent wit’ meee, Fleaglossitty.

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Electronic Button x7]

G: It is perfoofectly safe to leave the spaceship. My sckientific doohickey here is tellin’ me that this atmosphere is compoopromised of seventy-eight percent nitrogen, twenny-one percent oxygen, zero-point nine percent argon, zero-point zero four carboobon dioxide, an’ some other junk like methane. Same as on our Planet Eccchs, our Perswayssick County, an’ the Ig’s lousy Earth. An’ ol’ Ebegoogoo’s dopey Planet HyenaZitania.

E: That’s Ebegneeezer to you, old chap.

F: I’m sure you’ll add to the methane, Zig.

G: I’ll ignauzeate that remark, Fleaglossitty.

N: Well, I guess then we can venture outside the ship?

E: Right-o.

F: Okay, Zig….

G: Come on, guys! Let’s go!

SD: Quack!

SFX: [Footsteps Gravel] [Magic Glitter]

N: Holy crap—look behind us! Our whole freaking spaceship just disappeared!

G & F [in unison]: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe!

SFX: [Footsteps Gravel] [Glass Debris]

G: Holy stinkin’ Saint Bogelthorpe!

E: Bloody hell!

SD: Quack! 

F: What are we gonna do?

N: We’ve gotta find some shelter, then put our heads together, see what we’re dealing with here,  and come up with a plan. We’re very vulnerable out here in the middle of who-knows-where….

N: Hey, guys….you notice this grass we’re walking on, and looks so soft, is actually crunching under our feet, like broken glass?

F: Yeah, Nicki. At first it looked green but now it looks kinda red when ya look real close….

N: Yeah, Flea, it’s sort of a magenta….and when you pick some up—ow! Just cut myself on a blade!

G: Looky, Ig! Your red blood jus’ turned green! I always knew ya were some kinda Martian—y’know, from that planet in your home solar system!

N: My blood was red at first, when my finger started bleeding….

E: And look up there at all those bloody magenta orbs in the sky! The brighter they shine, the colder I feel!

N: Me too.

G: An’ looky, there’s a planet up there that looks like the Ig’s Saturn, but I don’t think it is!

N: Diroctor Gneeecey, I don’t think we’re anywhere near my solar system.

SFX: [Rumbling in Stomach]

F: That your stomach rumblin’, Zig?

G: Yeah, Fleaglossitty….but I ain’t even hungry….

F: Lemme go check out that lake over there. Looks blue. Maybe we can get some drinkin’ water from it.

SFX: [Footsteps Gravel] [Glass Debris]

F: Guys, as soon as I got near it, it turned yellow!

G: Wouldn’t wanna drink thaaat, Fleaglossitty, would ya? Heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah!

SFX: [Glass Shatter]

F: It ain’t water—I jus’ put my fist in, an’ it shattered like glass! Lucky I didn’t cut myself!

N: Guys! Look over here! Here are Nurse Maudlyn’s “comfortable at-home shoes”! But I don’t see her anywhere!

E: Thank goodness for that.

SFX: [Footsteps Gravel] [Glass Debris]

N: Diroctor Gneeecey! Flea! What are you two doing? 

G: We both gotta relieve ourselves. I don’t see no men’s room. An’ our spaceship’s gone. Here, Fleaglossitty, you take her left shoe, an’ I’ll take her right shoe!

F: Okay, Zig! I don’t feel the need, but I’ll do it anyways.

SFX: [Mud Drops x 2] [Scary Dramatic High-pitched Metal Stabs] [Glass Debris] [Magic Glitter]

N: Holy Crap! Nurse Maudlyn’s shoes just ran away all by themselves, and disappeared!

G: Don’t look at us like thaaat, Ig! Ain’t our fault—me an’ Fleaglossitty didn’t stinkin’ pee on our lousy spaceship an’ make it disappear!

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo] 

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, very far away, back on the ground, in Perswayssick County, in Gneeecey’s mansion, Beagle-humanoid Detective Clover Arlo Cookie and his trusty sun conure parrot assistant Conrad have called on Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas and her colleague, therapist Ingabore Scriblig, also known as “Grandma.”

SFX: [Magic Spell]

DI: Eet has not been easy, Detective Clover. And in dee middle of dee night, vee had an unexpected visitor—dat two-headed canine-humanoid alien Vloxx, again. 

CAC, PI: Y’know, he said he was gonna stop by my office to see me, but he never did.

IS: Vell, he just floated trough our valls here, said he vas looking for something he lost. Some small, shiny metallic fragment. Triangular, vit’ part of a symbol on eet.

DI: Vhat ees dat sparkling ting you are holding up dere, Detective Clover?

CAC, PI: Ya think Vloxx might be looking for this little trinket that we found on the ground at Falcon Farms—out in Booolabeeezia? 

CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]

CAC, PI: Well, I’m gonna put this little piece of metal back in my pocket here for safe-keeping until I can take it over to the lab to have it analyzed. Lucky my wife showed me how to sew. I recently repaired a big hole in this pocket. Wife said I did a pretty good job. Y’know, I still feel that Brunhilde is holding out on me. She knows a lot more than she’s telling me….

CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]

SFX: [Magic Glitter]

DI & IS [in unison]: Vloxx!

VLOXX: It is I, Vloxx. I felt magnetically drawn here. Detective Clover, I think you’re hiding something from me. I think you know something that I don’t know.

CAC, PI: Perhaps, Vloxx, if you tell me what you know, I’ll let you in on what I might know.

SFX: [Magic Glitter]

IS: And just like dat, he ees gone!

CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]

SFX: [Orchestra Cliff Hanger] [Magic Spell] [Footsteps Gravel] [Glass Debris] 

F: Hey, guys—come over here! By this tree!

G: All these trees got red leaves!

N: And bluish-gray trunks!

F: These orange rocks under this tree are soft! An’ it’s much warmer in the tree’s shade! C’mon!

E: Alright, mate.

SFX: [Footsteps Gravel] [Glass Debris] 

N: Yes, this is better. Much better, Flea.

E: Yes, warmer, and much more comfortable. Now, we must take a few moments to collect ourselves and strategize here—

SD: Quack!

G: Space Duck! He’s shrunk! My Space Duck has shrunk! 

F: He ain’t seven-feet-tall no more, that’s for sure! He’s only three inches tall now, if that!

E: That bloody mallard. He’s nothing but trouble. I vote we leave him here!

G: Ain’t no one asked yooou, Ebegoogoo, my hideous lookalike!

E: That’s Ebegneeezer to you, old chap!

G: Maybe we’ll stinkin’ leave yooou here! Space Duck is my pet duck, an’ I will keep him safe here inside my T-shirt pocket!

N: C’mon, guys. Now, we have to decide what to do here. Our stomachs are rumbling, but we’re not hungry. And the lake isn’t composed of water—

G: Not even H-two-O wit’ extra O!

N [clears throat]: Now, this planet’s atmosphere is comprised of elements found in the same proportions as the worlds that each one of us is from, but….but, if we can’t find anything to eat or drink….we’re not gonna survive. And we don’t know what other crazy stuff we’re going to run into here—

F: —or what might run into us! 

N: Exactly, Flea. And who knows what’s even become of our spaceship?

G: The only stinkin’ lousy good thing is that Nurse Maudlyn’s missin’!

E: So, Earth Girl, what do you propose we do, then?

N: Well, it seems to me that the only course of action left would be for us to say those four magical words….

G: Ya mean, them three numbers an’ a color that enabled me an’ you to travel back an’ forth between your Earth an’ my dimension of Perswayssick County?

E: And that enabled you and the Earth Girl to travel to my superior Planet HyenaZitania, and then accidentally bring me back to Perswayssick County?

G: You were stinkin’ holdin’ on to us, Ebegoogoo, ’cause you were scared! Your bodyguard Jerko turned on ya an’ was tryin’ to stage a coop de tat, or somethin’ like that.

E: You want to see a bloody coup d'état, old chap? I’ll show you—

N: Guys! Guys! Stop! 

F: Uh, Nicki, if we said them four words, wouldn’t we get bad dimension burn? You ain’t even totally recovered from all your dimension jumpin’!

N: Flea, I think dimension burn would be better than staying here on this weird planet and starving to death, or even being confronted by what we can’t even imagine!

F: Ya got a point there, Nicki. The Perswayssick Superhero Academy did teach us that there are times we jus’ gotta retreat, an’ that even retreatin’ ain’t wit’out risks.

SFX: [Space Exploration] [Scary Dramatic High-pitched Metal Stabs]  

N: What on Earth—uh—I mean—

G & F [in unison]: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe!

SFX: [Space Exploration] [Scary Dramatic High-pitched Metal Stabs]  

E: It’s a bloody three-headed purple alien!

HEADLESS: My name is Headless.

G: But’cha got three stinkin’ heads an’ you’re gonna scare my duck!

H: I said, my name is Headless. 

G: Well, guy wit’ three heads, I guess this proves there’s other life on this here planet!

N [whispers]: Diroctor Gneeecey, maybe don’t be so confrontational?

G: Shaddup, Ig! Now, guy wit’ three heads, take me to your leader!

H: No, I will lead you to our taker.

G: C’mon, guys. Perhaphoops he can take us to some food an’ shelter, an’ we can stinkin’ find out what’s goin’ on here. Let’s follow this dude. Purple guy, lead me to your taker.

H: No. I will follow you.

N, G, F, & E [in unison]: What?

SFX: [Reverse Magic Spell] [Magic Spell]

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###