Soft Hard Crash Landing: Adventures on Opposite Earth

“Soft Hard Crash Landing: Adventures on Opposite Earth,” Episode 164

Things ain’t goin’ so well aboard canine-humanoid Gneeecey’s runaway Starship Waterloo. It’s being pulled into the gravitational field of some strange planet. And no one aboard can change course. (Gneeecey never learned to fly the spacecraft. He was too busy programming the food replicator.)

Back on the ground in Perswayssick County, in Gneeecey’s mansion, Dr. Alexandra C. Idnas and therapist Ingabore Scriblig, AKA “Grandma,” have not slept a wink. They’re worried sick about Nicki, Sooperflea, and Gneeecey. And they wonder how long they can hide from the public that Nicki, their county’s new Grate Gizzygalumpaggis, is missing, along with county Quality-of-Life Commissioner Gneeecey, and local superhero Sooperflea. 

Dr. Idnas and Grandma wish that Beagle-humanoid Detective Clover Arlo Cookie and his assistant, sun conure parrot Conrad, would make some headway in finding their three missing housemates. Sure enough, Detective Clover and Conrad come calling. Clover shows them an item of interest, a strange metallic fragment he found when he accidentally encountered his glamorous but mysterious new long-haired dachshund client, Brunhilde, feeding ducks on a farm—Falcon Farms—in faraway Booolabeeezia.

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

Episode Artwork created by ChatBox AI

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Transcript

Transcript / Soft Hard Crash Landing: Adventures on Opposite Earth – Episode 164, by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…. 

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Spaceship Alien] [Spaceship Resonant] [SciFi Glimmer]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Things ain’t goin’ so well aboard “Zig” Gneeecey’s runaway Starship Waterloo…the one he found and began refurbishing, but never quite learned to fly…. And if canine-humanoid Gneeecey, his evil stowaway doppelganger Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeeceygnay, and “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, also known as “Sooperflea,” and humans Nicki Rodriguez and rotten stowaway Nurse Maudlyn, and quacking seven-foot-tall Space Duck thought things couldn’t possibly get any worse…well…they’d better think again….

“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: So, Zig, ya self-proclaimed genius that got us into this whole mess, ya got any brilliant ideas to get us out of it?

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: I’ll ignauzeate your snarkasm, Fleaglossitty.

EBEGNEEEZER GESUNDHEIT EEECEYGNAY: I quite agree with your, uh, friend, you high-voiced, dim lightbulb.

G: Hey! How dare you?

F: Hey! Zig can’t help that his voice never changed! And that his expensive voice transplant that he was so dopey to pay for failed—

G: I’m gonna get both of youse!

SFX: [Danube Fight]

NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Guys! Guys! Stop!

SPACE DUCK: Quack!

SFX: [Airplane Alarm]

N: Holy crap—look at the screen! Looks like we’re being pulled into the gravitational field of some planet!

SFX: [Airplane Alarm] [Sneakers Squeaking] 

G & F [in unison]: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe!

SD: Quack!

G: Ig, it looks jus’ like a photootographical negative of your planet Earth!

N: Like an “opposite Earth”!

E: Bloody hell—we’re on a collision course—with Opposite Earth!

NURSE MAUDLYN: Well, do something! I don’t wanna get hurt!

SFX: [Airplane Alarm] [SciFi Spaceship, Ship Crash] 

E: Well, bloody do something, you daft fool! This is your ship—fly it!

G: Awready told youse, I never got to the flyin’ part! I was still programmin’ the food repooplicator—didn’t expect this stinkin’ thing to take off before I finished refurbishin’ it!

N: Doesn’t matter whose fault it is, now! Lemme see if I can do anything here to change course! 

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] 

E: Okay, Earth Girl you might as well give it a go, then!

SFX: [Computer Keyboard] [Electronic Cash Register] [Electronic Button] [Intarface 2]

N: I can’t get it to change course! Nothing’s working!

SD: Quack!

G: We’re stinkin’ doomed! Fleaglossitty…Ig…I really don’t not not hate youse!

F: Same here, Zig—I really don’t not not hate you either!

NM: Didn’t anyone hear me when I said I don’t want to get hurt?

E: Belt up, Maudlyn—shut your bloody pie hole! 

SFX: [Airplane Alarm] [SciFi Spaceship, Ship Crash] [Space Shuttle Cargo] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo] 

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, very far away, back on the ground, in Perswayssick County, in Gneeecey’s mansion, Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas and her colleague, therapist Ingabore Scriblig, also known as “Grandma,” have not slept all night. Already worried sick about their missing housemates, Nicki, Gneeecey, and Sooperflea, they had become further freaked out when an uninvited visitor materialized in their kitchen…. 

SFX: [Magic Glitter] 

DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Look—dere ees dat two-headed canine-humanoid alien een dat silver spacesuit! Coming right truogh our valls again! 

THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Vun of dese days I am going to have a heart attack! Vhat are you doing here? Vhat do you vant?

VLOXX: It is I, Vloxx. I have been looking for something valuable that I have lost. 

DI: And vhat vould dat be?

V: It is a metallic fragment, triangular, small and shiny, bearing part of a symbol. If you find it, just say my name and I will appear briefly to reclaim it. Goodbye.

DI & IS [in unison]: Vait!

SFX: [Magic Glitter] [Magic Spell] [Cuckoo Clock] [House-Residential]

DI: You know, Ingabore, I didn’t sleep a vink.

IS: Me either, Alexandra. Here vee are, already vurried sick about Nicki, Gneeecey, and Flea, and den dat two-headed canine-humanoid alien Vloxx appears in our midst out of novhere.

DI: Yah. And I don’t know how long vee can keep hiding dee fact from dee public dat Nicki, our county’s new Grate Gizzygalumpaggis is missing, along vit’ Gneeecey and Flea.

IS: Yah. I don’t know how long vee can keep dis a secret, either. Our Qvality of Life Vice Commisioner, Jacob J. Qwertyuiop, has been covering for Nicki and trying to run dis county, but dee poor Basset Hound-humanoid ees so stressed out dat he called me yesterday to see if I can see him een our office for a series of terapy sessions.

DI: I can only imagine vhat he ees going trough. More of deese creepy alien troublemaking Markmen are infiltrating our police departments, and dere have even been sightings of some of dee evil clowns, in dee voods. And who knows vhere rotten Nurse Maudlyn ees, now.

IS: Yah. And I imagine dat Gneeecey’s evil lookalike Ebegneeezer vill take advantage of dee situation eef eet comes out dat Gneeecey ees missing. Even though Nicki ees Grate Gizzy now, Gneeecey ees still Qvality of Life Commisioner and has considerable power. 

DI: And who knows vhat ees going on at Gneeecey’s GAS Broadcast Network. Dee only competent person dere, een my opinion, ees Cleve Vheeler, and he can’t vurk tventy-four/seven. 

IS: And he also has to contend vit dat idiot intern, dat donkey-humanoid Stu Pitt.

DI: And who knows vhat’s happening at Gneeecey’s Gneeezle’s Restaurant, vit his unpleasant protégé, dat overgrown mouse Altitude.

IS: Vee are een a mess, Alexandra. A real mess. I vish Detective Clover vould bring us some news about Nicki, Gneeecey, and Flea.

SFX: [Doorbell]

IS: I vill get eet.

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] 

IS: Vhy, Detective Clover! Conrad! Please, come een. Vee vere just mentioning you.

CLOVER ARLO COOKIE, P.I.: Good morning, ladies.

CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]

DI: Do you have any news about Nicki, Gneeecey, and Sooperflea?

CAC, PI: No, Doctor Idnas, I’m afraid we don’t. We just stopped by to see how you both are holding up. 

DI: Eet has not been easy, Detective Clover. And in dee middle of dee night, vee had an unexpected visitor—dat two-headed canine-humanoid alien Vloxx, again. 

CAC, PI: Y’know, he said he was gonna stop by my office to see me, but he never did.

IS: Vell, he just floated trough our valls here, said he vas looking for something he lost. Some small, shiny metallic fragment. Triangular, vit’ part of a symbol on eet.

DI: Vhat ees dat sparkling ting you are holding up dere, Detective Clover?

CAC, PI: Ya think Vloxx might be looking for this little trinket that we found on the ground at Falcon Farms—out in Booolabeeezia? 

CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]

SFX: [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [SciFi Spaceship, Ship Crash] [Space Shuttle Cargo] [Magic, Magic Puff] [Magic Twinkle Tone] 

G & F [in unison]: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe!

G: It was a craaash landing—a soft hard crash landing!

SD: Quack!

SFX: [Metal Door Open] 

E: Look—the bloody door—it’s opening all on its own!

NM: And I’m no longer paralyzed! I am outta here! Bye, guys!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Footsteps Gravel]

F: Good riddance, ya ol’gasbag!

N: Is it safe to go out there? We don’t even know the makeup of this atmosphere!

F: Yeah!

G: Well, perhaphoops youse guys forget, in addition to many other things, I am a reknowndicated sckientist. I have a doctorate degree in Advanced Gasometry, from P.U.N.I., the one an’ only Perswayssick University of New Ideas! An’ I jus’ happen to have this little doohickey in my T-shirt pocket here somewheres…hmmm…where is it? No, that’s my portable collapsin’ terlit plunger I got on sale at Squiggleman’s…. Ah, here it is…. When I stick this out the door an’ press this little here button, it will tell me the exact compooposition of this planet’s atmosphere.

F: So, you’re actually good for somethin’, huh, Zig?

G: Don’t get intelligent wit’ meee, Fleaglossitty.

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Electronic Button x7]

G: It is perfoofectly safe to leave the spaceship. My sckientific doohickey here is tellin’ me that this atmosphere is compoopromised of seventy-eight percent nitrogen, twenny-one percent oxygen, zero-point nine percent argon, zero-point zero four carboobon dioxide, an’ some other junk like methane. Same as on our Planet Eccchs, our Perswayssick County, an’ the Ig’s lousy Earth. An’ ol’ Ebegoogoo’s dopey Planet HyenaZitania.

E: That’s Ebegneeezer to you, old chap.

F: I’m sure you’ll add to the methane, Zig.

G: I’ll ignauzeate that remark, Fleaglossitty.

N: Well, I guess then we can venture outside the ship?

E: Right-o.

F: Okay, Zig….

G: Come on, guys! Let’s go!

SD: Quack!

SFX: [Footsteps Gravel] [Magic Glitter]

N: Holy crap—look behind us! Our whole freaking spaceship just disappeared!

SFX: [Terror Tension] [Magic Spell]

 We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###