Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy
Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy
If Only! Unintended Expedition, Pt. 10
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“If Only! Unintended Expedition, Pt. 10” – Episode 162
Space Duck—who has mutated into a seven-foot-tall mallard with special powers—has defeated rotten Nurse Maudlyn…for the time being. He’s let spacewalking canine-humanoids Gneeecey and Sooperflea back inside their runaway Spaceship Waterloo’s airlock, something the evil nurse had gleefully refused to do. He has also somehow rendered her paralyzed—except for her big mouth which can’t seem to stop blabbering. Aggravated, Gneeecey, Sooperflea, and Ebegneeezer come up with a plan to jettison her from the ship, out into cold, dark, empty space. Only thing is, Nicki is not onboard with the idea. She reminds Ebegneeezer that he’d once volunteered that murder was not a solution.
Back in Perswayssick County’s Booolabeeezian region, Beagle-humanoid Detective Clover Arlo Cookie wishes that his mysterious new client, the glamorous Dachshund-humanoid Brunhilde, would tell him everything she knows. She replies that it’s time to put her falcons to bed. And he reminds her that they are ducks, not falcons.
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
https://buymeacoffee.com/Perswayssick (Please support us with a one-time gift or monthly sponsorship amount—various levels available—to help keep us coming to you via BuyMeACoffee.com! We’ll shout you out during our podcast episodes and in our show notes here, plus supply you with more fun perks!)
https://www.amazon.com/Vicki-Sola/e/B07J29RVMQ (Amazon Author Page, check out our Gneeecey/Nicki e-books and paperbacks!)
https://www.nfreads.com/interview-with-author-vicki-sola/ (Interview with Vicki Solá)
https://perswayssickradio.buzzsprout.com (right here, our Buzzsprout website w/episodes & transcripts!)
And many thanks to disproportionately cool artist Jay Hudson for our podcast logo! https://yojayhudson.com/
Episode Artwork created by ChatBox AI
Vicki's related comedy/fantasy/sci-fi books, You Can't Unscramble the Omlet and The Getaway That Got Away are available at Amazon!
https://www.amazon.com/Vicki-Sola/e/B07J29RVMQ (Amazon Author Page, check out our Gneeecey/Nicki e-books and paperbacks!)
It's a one-woman show! Vicki does all the writing, character voices, and audio production!
Transcript / If Only! Unintended Expedition, Pt. 10 – Episode 162, by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Spaceship Alien] [Spaceship Resonant] [SciFi Glimmer]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: And yup, it’s still Day Six, aboard Gneeecey’s runaway Starship Waterloo…and there’s been quite a new development…one that evil Nurse Maudlyn hadn’t counted on. After neutralizing Nicki and Ebegneeezer, she’d thought she’d had it made. Her plan to not let spacewalking Gneeecey and Sooperflea back in to the spacecraft’s airlock was working perfectly, until….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Music Eerie Dramatic] [Explosion] [Bang] [Wood Demolition] [Glass Shatter] [Metal Crash 1] [Metal Crash 3]
NURSE MAUDLYN: What—
SFX: [Wood Demolition x 6] [Giant Quack]
NM: A giant quack! It’s that horrible Space Duck! He’s escaped from the vault! And he’s seven-feet-tall! Professor—where are you? Help! He’s coming toward me with an evil look!
SFX: [Wood Demolition x 6] [Giant Quack]
PROFESSOR WILLARD WALLBANG: Nurse Maudlyn, I’m going back to where I came from, to mind my own business. And good luck…. Well, not really.
SFX: [Logo Eerie Sharp]
NM: Forget that useless professor… Now, there are several of those expensive necklaces around that duck’s neck! I could make a fortune with these, back in Perswayssick County!
SFX: [Wood Demolition x 6] [Giant Quack] [ComputerKeyboard] [Laser]
NM: He’s letting those two dastardly canine-humanoids back in! Ruining all my plans!
SFX: [Radio Static] [AirplaneCabin]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY & “FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA” [in unison]: Thanks!
NM: That dastardly giant duck is staring at me now—and I can’t move! I’m—I’m paralyzed!
SFX: [Fade FinaleEpicSound] [Spaceship Alien] [Spaceship Resonant] [SciFi Glimmer]
F: Thank Bogelthorpe we’re back inside this spaceship!
G: Stinkin’ yeah! We were just about runnin’ outta lousy oxygen!
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: You guys had better thank Space Duck here. I was just coming to when I saw him pull that red lever on the control board to let you back in. Wow…I’m still woozy….
NM: Help! I’m paralyzed! And it’s that horrible duck’s fault!
F: If only your big mouth was paralyzed, too, ya ol’ battle ax!
NM: I said, I’m paralyzed! Doesn’t anyone care?
G: Heya guys, since ol’ Nurse Maudlyn can’t move, why don’t we all jus’ roll her out through the airlock an’ then dump her out there in outer space?
EBEGNEEEZER GESUNDHEIT EEECEYGNAY: Why yes, my lookalike. I must say that our brains do operate in somewhat similar fashion. Tis also my desire, to jettison this useless blob of redheaded protoplasm into cold, dark, lonely space—a fate she richly deserves.
N: If only….
E: Me bloody bimbus still smarts from that rather primitive needle she used to inject me.
NM: You can’t do that to me! You cannot throw me out of this spaceship!
SPACE DUCK: Quack!
G: Poor Space Duck—he must be starving!
F: Yeah, he must be seven feet high! He ain’t the size of a regular duck no more. An’ he suddenly got more of them shiny gold necklaces, too!
NM: How did that dastardly duck manage to escape from that lead-lined vault he was locked in?
F: You should know, ya escape artist!
E: As I’ve previously noted, I have determined that this mallard’s original necklace is comprised of ninety-nine percent difalconiumyte, one of the most rare and powerful substances known. Evidently, this substance interacted with the lead in the vault and caused him to expand rather exponentially—and enabled him to escape.
SPACE DUCK: Quack!
NM: If only I can find out more about this!
F: Shaaadaaap, ya ol’ gasbag.
G: We may make your wish come true—we may send ya packin’, out into the stars! Heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah!
SPACE DUCK: Quack!
G: Now, my poor Space Duck is starvin’. An’ he can have all the malted cauliflower he can eat!
SPACE DUCK: Quack!
G: Lemme go over to that repooplicator now an’ make sure it’s workin’ propooperly, y’know, after them repairs me an’ Fleaglossitty hadda make from the outside of this spaceship which almost got us seriously kilt….
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
E: Let’s hope it wasn’t a botch job, old boy.
G: Who asked yooou, Ebegoogoo?
E: The name is Ebegneeezer, old chap, and I’m merely observing that you’re a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
G: I’ll ignauzeate that remark, my hideous lookalike. Now, lemme get my poor duck some nice food.
NM: What about me? Doesn’t anyone care?
F: Not really.
N: Nurse Maudlyn, I thought you said you had your own supply onboard—and that you weren’t gonna share any of it.
NM: But I can’t get to it! I’m paralyzed! I can’t move! Help!
G: Too stinkin’ bad. Ya won’t need it no more anyways when we push ya out through that airlock! Now, lemme order a real big portion of malted cauliflower for my duck here since he got so big.
SFX: [IntarFace] [Electronic Button] [Electronic Cash Register] [Mud Drops]
G: Success—we done it, Fleaglossitty! We fixed it!
E: That’s a bloody miracle, that….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: And back in Booolabeeezia, a region on the outskirts of Perswayssick County, Beagle-humanoid Detective Clover Arlo Cookie and his trust sun conure parrot assistant Conrad are not convinced that their new client, the glamorous but mysterious longhaired Dachshund-humanoid Brunhilde is telling them all she knows….
DUCKS: Quack, quack, quack, quack! Quack, quack, quack, quack!
CLOVER ARLO COOKIE, PI: Those aren’t falcons—they’re ducks!
DUCKS: Quack, quack, quack, quack! Quack, quack, quack, quack!
CAC, PI: Oh, look…over there…on the ground….
BRUNHILDE: Vhat, Detective Clover, vhat?
CAC, PI: I wonder what this bright, shiny object is…. Hmmm…. This is a fragment of a very strange metal…. My wife would find this interesting. Do you mind if I take it with me?
B: I don’t suppose I vould mind.
CAC, PI: It looks like part of some medallion. I can make out the letter X. What do you suppose that means, Brunhilde?
B: I—I don’t know! Maybe eet ees an abbreviation for our Planet Eccchs….
CAC, PI: No, I don’t think that’s it. Our Eccchs is spelled E-C-C-C-H-S. We never abbreviate it.
B: [giggles]
CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
DUCKS: Quack, quack, quack, quack! Quack, quack, quack, quack!
CAC, PI: If only you could tell us everything you know, Brunhilde. If only….
B: I have to put my falcons to bed now. Eet ees getting dark.
CAC, PI: They’re not falcons, they’re ducks….
CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure] [Magic Spell] [Spaceship Alien] [Spaceship Resonant] [SciFi Glimmer]
NM: I demand that you help me! I demand that you get that dastardly duck away from me!
SD: Quack! SFX: [Laser x2]
NM: Every time he looks at me with those eyes, he’s keeping me paralyzed! Help!
F: Don’cha wish ya never escaped from prison back in Perswayssick County, ya ol’ gasbag? Don’cha wish ya never stowed away on this spaceship?
G: C’mon, guys, let’s keep rollin’ her toward the airlock so we can throw her out into space! She’s pretty easy to move now.
E: Right-o, old chap. SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
F: Yupperooney, Zig! C’mon!
NM: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
N: Ebegneeezer—
E: That’s Mister Eeeceygnay to you, Earth Girl!
N: This isn’t the right thing to do! You even said once that murder isn’t a solution!
G: We’re doin’ this, Ig! We’ve had stinkin’ enough! We’re almost to the door.
N: You can’t do this! We can find another way to control her, but this is wrong! Totally wrong! If only you’d listen to me!
G: La, la, la, I can’t hear you. La, la, la, I can’t hear you. La, la, la, I can’t hear you.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Orchestra Cliffhanger]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###