Never Ask If Things Could Be Worse: Unintended Expedition, Pt. 8

“Never Ask If Things Could Be Worse: Unintended Expedition, Pt. 8” – Episode 158

Things ain’t goin’ so well aboard Gneeecey’s runaway Starship Waterloo. Rotten Nurse Maudlyn has inadvertently blown up the food replicator after attempting to “replicate her comfortable at-home” shoes.” Everyone onboard will starve to death unless canine-humanoids Gneeecey and Sooperflea can repair it, and this they must do from outside the spaceship. 

Meanwhile, Gneeecey’s evil stowaway doppelganger, Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay remains on the floor unconscious after Nurse Maudlyn injected him with one of her nasty medical substances—thinking he was Gneeecey. And Gneeecey’s pet, Space Duck, is still missing—rare, precious necklace and all.

Back on the ground in Perswayssick County, Beagle-humanoid Detective Clover Arlo Cookie and his sun conure parrot assistant Conrad pay Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas and therapist Ingabore Scriblig, AKA “Grandma,” a visit, offering them some new information. Turns out Clover’s hunch was right. And another hunch leads Clover and Conrad to Booolabeeezia, on the outskirts of the county—and the dimension.

And sinister Perswayssick Superhero Academy’s Professor Willard Wallbang suddenly appears inside Gneeecey’s mansion, bringing Doctor Idnas and Grandma more startling news. 

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Transcript

Transcript / Never Ask If Things Could Be Worse: Unintended Expedition, Pt. 8 – Episode 158, by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. 

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Spaceship Alien] [Spaceship Resonant] [SciFi Glimmer]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: It’s still Day Six, aboard Gneeecey’s runaway Starship Waterloo, and if Nicki’s learned anything, it’s never to ask if things could be worse….

SFX: [Spaceship Resonant] [SciFi Glimmer]

NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Okay, Stop—here…. Holy crap—there she is—Nurse Maudlyn! And there’s Ebegneeezer! See him from the back, bent over the controls and wearing headphones?

NURSE MAUDLYN: Oh, there you are, you dastardly Diroctor Gneeecey!

N: Diroctor—she thinks Ebegneeezer’s you! And she’s got a syringe in her hand—pointed at his bimbus!

NM: Some of my medical supplies have been compromised in this hostile environment, but I’ve got a little something here that will put you to sleep for a while! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!

SFX: [Cartoon Slip] [BodyFallHuman]

NM: Oh—now I see his face! I think I got Diroctor Gneeecey’s hideous lookalike!

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: How stinkin’ dare she call my lookalike “hideous”?

N: You always do! Now, quiet! 

NM: Rest assured, I will inject the original Diroctor Gneeecey, and that dopey, red-caped Sooperflea! 

“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: I ain’t dopey!

N: Quiet!

NM: And their stupid human companion—that girl from Earth. I’ll get all three of them while they’re sleeping—in that prison cell upstairs that I made sure was locked! And I’ll find that duck, too! I can make a pretty penny on him back in Perswayssick County! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha! But first….

N: She’s picking up her comfortable at-home shoes…and walking over to the replicator!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] 

NM: Hmmm…. A replicator…I think I’m gonna replicate these comfortable at-home shoes of mine. I could use several more pairs!

SFX: [Electronic Button] [Intarface 2] [Explosion] [Spaceship Resonant] [Spaceship Glimmer] [Spaceship Alien]

G: Ya ol’ gasbag! Ya jus’ busted our repooplicator!

F: Yeah! Who’s the dope now?

N: That replicator was our only source of food! We’re gonna freaking starve to death! 

NM: I’m not going to starve. I have my own supply of food aboard this ship. And no, I am not sharing! 

N: Could things even be worse?

F: Don’t ask, Nicki…don’t ask….

G: Listen, guys, don’t be so oogdimonious! I got a plaaan!

SFX: [Atmosphere] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Back on the ground, in the dimension of Perswayssick County, in Gneeecey’s mansion, Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas and therapist Ingabore Scriblig, also known as Grandma, sit in the kitchen….

DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Dat vas a vary tasty dinner, Ingabore. Dat pasta and your veggie meatballs vere delicious!

THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Tank you, Alexandra, tank you. You know, I just can’t stop tinking dat Detective Clover’s client—you know, Brunhilde—ees not telling us everyting. She ees vary charming, but I feel dat she ees holding someting back from all of us. Something important….

DI: I agree, Ingabore. And I hope soon dat Detective Clover vill find out vhere Nicki, Flea, and Gneeecey are. All dis vurry has become unbearable.

IS: Yah. Eet certainly has.

SFX: [Doorbell]

DI: I’ll get eet.

SFX: [Doorbell] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open]

DI: Vhy Detective Clover! Conrad, come een, please!

CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] 

IS: I tought you two vould still be out een Booolabeeezia, you know, taking Brunhilde home.

CLOVER ARLO COOKIE, PI: No, Grandma. I offered to drive her home after our dinner, but she insisted on taking a cab. So…remember I said I had a hunch?

DI & IS [in unison]: Yah!

CAC, PI: Well, it stays lighter longer this time of year, so Conrad and I decided to follow that hunch, all the way to Area Fifty-and-Four-Fourths.

DI: Eesn’t dat a vary classified military facility?

IS: Vit all kinds of rumors, you know, about UFOs?

CAC, PI: Yes. 

CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]

CAC, PI: And look what I found there, by some strange circular pattern burned into the ground. 

DI & IS [in unison]: Oh, my goodness!

CAC, PI: Here. 

DI: Eet ees a badge possessed only by dee Grate Gizzygalumpaggis of Persvayssick County. 

IS: Dis has to have been dropped either by Nicki or Gneeecey!

CAC, PI: Yeah. After that little visit from that two-headed canine-humanoid wearing that silver spacesuit—y’know, the one who calls himself Vloxx—I kinda had a hunch that we should check things out there. This is progress. Real progress.

DI & IS [in unison]: Yah!

CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]

CAC, PI: We’ll see ourselves out. It’s still gonna be light out there for a while. So, we are gonna take a little drive out to Booolabeeezia…to follow another hunch….

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Spaceship Alien] [Spaceship Resonant] [SciFi Glimmer]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, back in space, aboard Starship Waterloo, Gneeecey and Flea are preparing for a little spacewalk….

G: I told ya, Fleaglossitty, the only way we can fix our repooplicator is from outside this spaceship. Now, make sure ya got that spacesuit on good an’ tight!

F: Zig—I really don’t know ’bout this—I got a bad feelin’!

G: Looky, Fleaglossitty, yooou volunteered to help me wit’ this!

F: Against my better judgement. An’ you volunteered me!

G: That’s ’cause that bigger spacesuit, y’know, for humans, didn’t fit the Ig propooperly. Anyways, we can use her to let us back in—I shown her all the junk to do, an’ she wrote it down. She jus’ gotta stay in radio contact an’ pull all them levers an’ press all them buttons I told her to, y’know, on the control panel, when we’re ready to go, an’ when we wanna come back in. The crank on the outer airlock is still busted. Never got ’round to fixin’ it, so we can let ourselves out, but not back in. 

F: I thought ya said ya didn’t know nuthin’ ’bout operatin’ this spaceship! 

G: I don’t. But I did get to the part about food, y’know, opooperatin’ an’ fixin’ the repooplicator. Ya wanna stinkin’ starve? 

F: We’ll probably be dead either way!

G: I’ll ignauzeate that remark. An’ don’t worry, we ain’t gonna float away—we’ll stinkin’ tether each other. Now, I do wish I hadn’t left the lousy opooperatin’ manual back home in my office. Well, what’cha waitin’ for? To win the stinkin’ lottery? C’mon—we gotta go decompressurate. Y’know, get all that lousy nitrogen outta our blood. Gotta pre-breathe, y’know, so we can post-breathe. We gotta get all oxidated for sevooveral hours so we don’t rust. Ooops, almost forgot my tool box here…. C’mon….

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Car Engine]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Back in Perswayssick City, Detective Clover and his assistant Conrad have taken a little drive out to Booolabeeezia….

SFX: [Car Engine] 

CAC, PI: Okay, Conrad, evidently, we’ve arrived.

C: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]

CAC, PI: Yep, here we are…. GPS never leads us wrong. Falcon Farms…. Let’s get out and take a look around!

SFX: [Metal Click 4]

DUCKS: Quack, quack, quack, quack! Quack, quack, quack, quack!

BRUNHILDE: Vhy, Detective Clover! Conrad! Dahlings! Vhat are you doing here?

CAC, PI: Why, Brunhilde, I was just about to ask you the same thing. What are you doing here? You didn’t tell me you worked on a farm!

B: I don’t vurk here. I own eet!

CAC, PI: It sure looks like you’re working. If you’re not, then, what are you doing?

B: Vhy, I’m feeding my falcons dere dinner! Eet ees past dere mealtime and dey get een a bad mood!

DUCKS: Quack, quack, quack, quack! Quack, quack, quack, quack!

CAC, PI: Those aren’t falcons—they’re ducks!

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, Doctor Idnas and Grandma still sit in Gneeecey’s kitchen, just staring at the badge that Detective Clover left with them, when, suddenly….

SFX: [Logo Eerie Sharp]

PROFESSOR WILLARD WALLBANG: Ladies, please excuse the intrusion….

IS: Professor Vallbang! Vhat are you doing here?

DI: Yah—you came right tru our vall—like a ghost!

PWW: It is just my mental projection. I am not physically present with you. I was not in the mood to walk back to your residence. 

IS: Vell, vhat do you vant?

PWW: Just to add a detail I neglected to convey when I last visited. When I did communicate with Ms. Rodriguez, I did most definitely hear the quacking of a duck wherever she is. That is all. Au revoir….

SFX: [Logo Eerie Sharp] [Magic Spell] [Spaceship Alien] [Spaceship Resonant] [SciFi Glimmer]

N: Gneeecey and Flea have been out there a long time. It’s been hours! Hopefully they’re okay, and their repairs are coming along—so we don’t starve to death! 

NM: I already told you, it doesn’t matter to me. I have my own food here!

N: Yeah, right….

SFX: [Radio Static] 

G: Ig! Can ya hear me! We’re ready to come back in.

N: Let me step over the still unconscious Ebegneeezer so I can get over to that control panel and let them back in!

NM: Not so fast, Earth girl! 

N: What?

SFX: [Cartoon Slip] 

N: Ow!

SFX: [BodyFallHuman]

NM: Same little treat I had for that dastardly Diroctor Gneeecey’s hideous lookalike! A nice little injection in the bimbus always does it!

SFX: [Radio Static] 

G: Ig! Can ya hear me! We’re ready to come back in, now!

NM: The Earth girl is a bit indisposed right now.

F: What have ya done wit’ Nicki?

NM: That’s for me to know and you to never find out!

G: Stinkin’ let us back in! Ya gotta pull that red lever on your left!

NM: Sorry, Diroctor, I can’t do that!

G: We’re gonna run outta air soon! Ya gotta stinkin’ let us back in!

F: Yeah! Let us back in! Now—or else! 

NM: Or else, what? Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!

SFX: [Terror Tension] [Magic Spell]

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###