The Universe Is a Rather Large Place: Unintended Expedition, Pt. 7

Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy, by Vicki Solá

“The Universe Is a Rather Large Place: Unintended Expedition, Pt. 7” – Episode 157

Chaos aboard Gneeecey’s out-of-control Starship Waterloo continues. Will Nicki be able to summon her special powers and bust herself, Gneeecey, and Sooperflea out of the second deck prison cell? If so, can they wrestle control of the spacecraft from Gneeecey’s evil doppelganger Ebegneeezer? And how will they deal with rotten Nurse Maudlyn, who is roaming around, who knows where? 

Back on the ground, in Perswayssick County, Detective Clover Arlo Cookie, his assistant Conrad, Grandma, Doctor Idnas, and Clover’s mysterious and glamorous new client Brunhilde are visited by another strange but familiar individual who supplies them with disquieting information.

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Transcript

Transcript / The Universe Is a Rather Large Place: Unintended Expedition, Pt. 7 – Episode 157, by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. 

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Intro Blue Danube Fight]

NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Unintended Expedition, Day Six, aboard Gneeecey’s wretched Starship Waterloo… Nicki Rodriguez here…. We continue to hurtle out-of-control through space as Gneeecey’s evil stowaway doppelganger from Planet HyenaZitania, Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay, attempts to fly this miserable spacecraft. And the key word here is, “attempts.” Judging by the turbulence, sharp turns, and weird electronic racket—and the snooty canine-humanoid’s cursing—it’s clear he doesn’t know what in Bogelthorpe’s name he’s doing. And he’s blaming it all on Gneeecey’s newly found pet, Space Duck, and his necklace that’s comprised of ninety-nine percent difalconiumyte, supposedly one of the most rare and powerful substances known. Much to Gneeecey’s horror, Ebegneeezer has threatened to lock the poor malted cauliflower-loving mallard in a lead-lined vault.

Speaking of evil stowaways, rotten Nurse Maudlyn has escaped from the second deck holding cell we’re still trapped in. But she’s seen to it that Gneeecey, Sooperflea and I remain locked up here. She is roaming about free, and up to no good. That warped, wicked woman’s never been up to anything good, as long as we’ve known her.  And yep, those two canine-humanoids, Zig Gneeecey and Flea, can’t stop insulting each other and fighting, over the most trivial things, even as I contemplate how I might use my powers, to save all of us…. I’m still trying to figure out what Professor Willard Wallbang—well, his mental projection—meant when he suddenly appeared, seemingly out of nowhere….

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Logo Eerie Sharp]

NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Professor Wallbang—what are you doing here?

“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: This ship’s sensors didn’t detect no sixth person aboard!

PROFESSOR WILLARD WALLBANG: Greetings, Ms. Rodriguez. 

N: What—are you here to try and collect the rest of my tuition even though I was tricked into signing that contract that committed me to completing a year at your Perswayssick Superhero Academy—which I have no intention of doing? Like I don’t have enough trouble right now?

PWW: No, Ms. Rodriguez, no. I am merely here to remind you that although your performance at our venerable academy was rather dismal, you still do possess considerable powers that you perpetually seem to disregard. Down on the ground below, your Perswayssick County is in a mess, as you are presently, up here. Perhaps utilizing some of these powers might assist you in extricating yourself and your friends here from this predicament. That is all for now. Have a good day.

N: Wait! Don’t go! Maybe now that you’re here, you can help us! Unlock this cell, and—

PWW: I am not physically present with you. What you are seeing and hearing right now is a mere projection—emanating from my mind. And even I, as disciplined as I may be, do not possess sufficient energies to sustain this projection from such a vast distance. Goodbye, Ms. Rodriguez….

N: Wait! Professor Wallbang!

SFX: [Logo Eerie Sharp] [Magic Spell] [Intro Blue Danube Fight]

N: Guys! Guys! Stop this right now!

F & DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY [in unison]: Only if he does, first!

N: I said, stop!

SFX: [Spaceship Alien]

N: That’s better. Now, you heard what Professor Wallbang said.

G: Maybe he don’t hate ya, Ig!

F: Zig!

G: Don’choo “Zig” me, Fleaglossitty, ya red-caped, make-believe superhero loser!

F: Why you—it’s all your fault that we’re here, in this predicament!

G: La, la, la, I can’t hear you! La, la, la, I can’t hear you!

F: I can make ya hear me!

N: Guys! Guys!

F: Sorry, Nicki.

G: Sorry, Ig!

N: Look, I need some peace and quiet so I can, y’know, try and use my powers to break us out of this cell! It’s the only way we’ll have any chance of surviving! My powers are spotty, and—

G: An’ ya keep forgettin’ ya have ’em—

F: Zig!

N: Please—both of you! I’ve gotta concentrate!

SFX: [Spooky Hollow Fear] [Jet Engine Start-up] [Supersonic Aerodynamic Whoosh] [Bang] [Metal Crash 1] [Metal Crash 3] [Magic Glitter] [Metal Door Open] [Magic Spell] 

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: And, back in Gneeecey’s mansion, as Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas,  therapist Ingabore Scriblig, also known as “Grandma,” Beagle-humanoid Detective Clover Arlo Cookie, his assistant, sun conure parrot, Conrad, and their new client, the glamorous, mysterious Booolabeeezian Dachshund-humanoid Brunhilde sit around the dinner table, discussing her need to find what she says is her missing “malted falcon”…. 

SFX: [Magic Glitter]

CONRAD ARLO CLOVER, PI: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]

DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Dere ees dat two-headed canine-humanoid alien een dat silver spacesuit vee told you about earlier, Clover!

VLOXX: It is I, Vloxx, just stopping by to say that I believe that my team and I, and Brunhilde share a mutual goal. I will see you in your office very soon, Detective Clover.

DI, THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “Grandma,” CAC, PI [in unison]: Wait!

CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]

V: Goodbye.

SFX: [Magic Glitter] 

CAC, PI: Brunhilde, do you know this guy?

BRUNHILDE: No…. Vell, I’m not really sure, dahling….

CAC, PI: Well, it’s really funny. He seems to know you.

CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]

CAC, PI: Brunhilde, if you wanna retain our services, if ya want us to find your, uh, malted falcon, as you so desperately say ya do, ya have to be transparent with us. Now, do you know this Vloxx character?

B: I—I really don’t know, dahling…. I’m not sure eef I vas dreaming or not! Please, you must get me back my malted falcon! You must! 

CAC, PI: We’ll do our best, ma’am. But we’re gonna need your full cooperation. 

B: I vill pay you vit all dee street spaghetti you vant, plus some, dahling!

CAC, PI: Yes, but you must be truthful with us. As delicious as your street spaghetti is, keep in mind, even if we decide to drop your case, the street spaghetti is nonrefundable. Says so in our contract. The one you signed. Names all the reasons we could drop your case. By the way, my wife really enjoyed your street spaghetti. Ya paid us with so much, I brought some home.

B: Dahling, I assure you dat dere ees much more vhere dat came from. And I can afford eet!

CAC, PI: I’ll keep that in mind, Brunhilde…. Now, as for the disappearances of Nicki, Gneeecey, and Sooperflea, I’ve got a hunch….

SFX: [Doorbell Ring]

DI: Oh, dear…. Who could be calling dis late?

SFX: [Doorbell Ring]

IS: I’ll get eet. Coming!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Logo Eerie Sharp]

IS: Vhy, Professor Vallbang—vhat are you doing here? Nicki, Gneeecey, and Sooperflea are not here.

PWW: I realize that fully. That is why I am here.

IS: Do you know something vee don’t?

PWW: There are many who choose to malign my character, but I am not nearly as sinister as I am made out to be. I come here in good faith. Or, more accurately, in good conscience. 

IS: Vell, tell us—do you know vhere dey are?

PWW: Just a short while ago, I succeeded in visiting them.

IS: You did? Vhere are dey? 

PWW: I actually was not physically present. My special abilities enabled me to communicate with them, in the form of a projection—emanating from my mind. But even I, as disciplined as I may be, do not possess sufficient energies to sustain that projection from such a vast distance. I can assure you that they are alive—for now. Their future is dependent upon Ms. Rodriguez’s resolve and ability to utilize her powers. That is all.

IS: Vait, don’t go! You must have some idea vhere dey are, den!

PWW: Unfortunately, I have no clue. The universe is a rather large place. Mrs. Scriblig. Au revoir.

SFX: [Logo Eerie Sharp] [Magic Spell] [Spaceship Alien] 

F: Ya did it, Nicki!

G: Ya did it, Ig! Ya busted us out!

N: And now, guys, we have to be real quiet and—

G: Ya stinkin’ gotta find my Space Duck—before he unbreathes himself to death, locked in that lousy lead-lined vault!

N: Quiet, Diroctor Gneeecey! Quiet! We will find him, but we have to sneak around quietly. We don’t want Ebegneeezer or Nurse Maudlyn to know we’ve escaped.

F: Yeah. We need to make sure we see them before they see us!

N: Exactly, Flea.

G: Why ya always on his side?

N: Quiet! I’m on his side, your side, and my side!

G: How can there be three sides to anything?

N: Quiet! Now, I suggest we quietly walk down the stairs there and check out the main deck, without entering.

G: But, Ig, we don’t stinkin gotta walk. We have an evoovilator!

F: Quiet, Zig!

N: Now both of you, follow me.

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]

N: Okay, Stop—here…. Holy crap—there she is—Nurse Maudlyn! And there’s Ebegneeezer! See him from the back, bent over the controls and wearing headphones?

NURSE MAUDLYN: Oh, there you are, you dastardly Diroctor Gneeecey!

N: Diroctor—she thinks Ebegneeezer’s you! And she’s got a syringe in her hand—pointed at his bimbus!

NM: Some of my medical supplies have been compromised in this hostile environment, but I’ve got a little something here that will put you to sleep for a while! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!

SFX: [Cartoon Slip] [BodyFallHuman]

NM: Oh—now I see his face! I think I got Diroctor Gneeecey’s hideous lookalike!

G: How stinkin’ dare she call my lookalike “hideous”?

N: You always do! Now, quiet! 

NM: Rest assured, I will inject the original Diroctor Gneeecey, and that dopey, red-caped Sooperflea! 

F: I ain’t dopey!

N: Quiet!

NM: And their stupid human companion—that girl from Earth. I’ll get all three of them while they’re sleeping—in that prison cell upstairs that I made sure was locked! And I’ll find that duck, too! I can make a pretty penny on him back in Perswayssick County! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha! But first….

N: She’s picking up her comfortable at-home shoes…and walking over to the replicator!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] 

NM: Hmmm…. A replicator…I think I’m gonna replicate these comfortable at-home shoes of mine. I could use several more pairs!

SFX: [Electronic Button] [Intarface 2] [Explosion] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###