A Gift for You

“A Gift for You” – Episode 142

Worried sick, Nicki decides to hire beagle-humanoid private investigator Clover Arlo Cookie and his trusty sun conure parrot assistant Conrad to track down her missing housemates, “Zig” Gneeecey and “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, AKA “Sooperflea.”

Across town, the two kidnapped canine-humanoids continue to find ways to amuse themselves—at evil Nurse Maudlyn’s expense.

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Transcript

Transcript / A Gift for You – Episode 142, written by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. 

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “Pay With Pie,” Nicki decides to hire a private investigator to track down her missing housemates, missing canine-humanoids “Zig” Gneeecey and “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, also known as “Sooperflea.”

SFX: [Magic Spell]

NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Oh, Doctor Idnas…Grandma…. We’ve got to find Gneeecey and Flea. I asked our Vice Quality of Life Commissioner, Jacob J. Qwertyuiop if he knew of any good private investigators. Of course, I didn’t mention anything about Gneeecey or Flea being missing. We can’t have anyone know about that.

DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: True. Did Mister Qvertyuiop come up vit any promising recommendations?

N: As a matter of fact, he did. He mentioned this Clover, PI. Says he has really high ratings.

THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Vell, he has to at least be pretty lucky, vit a name like dat! 

N: Right? I’ve already checked him out online. He’s a canine-humanoid—a beagle-humanoid, and his motto is, “Clover, PI, add an E to pay with pie.”

DI: Vary interesting. I’ve read recently dat dis ees a growing trend around here. Beagle-humanoid businesses are cropping up all over town, giving deir customers dee option to pay vit pie instead of cash or credit.

N: Thanks for the heads-up, Doctor Idnas. The more I know about this county, the more effectively I can lead. Y’know what else is kind of interesting? This Clover’s office is right next door to a restaurant called Street Spaghetti. 

IS: Street Spaghetti. Dat ees interesting.

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Cuckoo Clock] [Cell Phone Ring]

N: Thanks for getting back to me so quickly, Mister Cookie.

CLOVER ARLO COOKIE, PI: You can call me Clover. Any friend of Jacob J. Qwertyuiop is a friend of mine. He’s a Bassett hound canine-humanoid, and as you already know, I’m a beagle-humanoid. Us hound-humanoids, and all of us canine-humanoids, we gotta stick together in this strange dimension of Perswayssick County. 

N: Yes. And this dimension is strange. 

CAC, PI: SFX: [Beagle Howling]

N: I hear that. Y’know, Mister Qwertyuiop speaks very highly of you. 

CAC, PI: He and I have been friends for years. Now, you indicated that this matter is of great urgency and that you’d rather not discuss it over the phone. We can meet here in my office tomorrow morning at eleven.

N: Perfect! Thank you so much.

CAC, PI: Great! In a little while, my assistant, Conrad, will contact you. He’s a bird-humanoid. Bye-bye. SFX: [Beagle Howling]

N: That Clover Arlo Cookie is such a nice guy. Says I can call him Clover. I’ve noticed that he often punctuates his sentences with a beagle howl. Y’know, I’ve even heard Gneeecey say,“Woof”! Well, I have real confidence that Clover will find Gneeecey and Flea. And quickly. It’s such torture not knowing where they are or even if they’re okay.

DI: Yah, Nicki, eet ees actually unbearable, dee uncertainty. Dee not knowing…. 

IS: Yah….

N: Clover said his assistant, Conrad, will be contacting me shortly. Says he’s a bird-humanoid. On another subject, until I find a clean-out company I can trust, I’ve triple-locked that basement door. Both of you, please let me know right away if you hear any more of that spooky laughter and stuff crashing around coming from down there and—

SFX: [Cell Phone Ring]

N: That must be Conrad now. Hello? Grate Gizzy Nicki Rodriguez speaking.

CONRAD: SFX: [BirdSunConure] [Metal Click 4]

N: I really didn’t understand a word of that….

IS: Oh, I deed. Back on our Planet Eccchs I studied languages. I recognize dat as a sun conure—a vary large, intelligent parrot. He ees informing you dat you may pay een pie or, for your convenience, een street spaghetti, as dat restaurant ees located right next door to deir office.

SFX: [Metal Crash 1] [Metal Crash 3] [Comical Scary Laughter] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo] 

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, across town, being held hostage in evil Nurse Maudlyn’s home doesn’t keep canine-humanoids Gneeecey and Sooperflea from having fun. They’re beginning to feel quite comfortable, having chewed a giant mousehole behind Nurse Maudlyn’s drapes. While she’s at work, the two cook in her kitchen, decorate her Grimace tree with her torn-up underwear and tin cans, and they watch her TV, hack into her computer, and order lots of stuff she’ll be billed for. And they’ve substituted a tube of glue for her tube of toothpaste, poured oatmeal in her bed, considerately covering it with blankets to keep it warm. Making matters worse, Nurse Maudlyn’s cold, cruel heartthrob and supposed partner-in-crime, Doctor Gongilafromba Frombilagonga, keeps dissing her when she begs him for help. Oh, and Flea has poured hair remover into Nurse Maudlyn’s shampoo bottle….

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkUpstairs] [Door Open] [Door Slam] [Shower]

NM: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! My hair! 

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo] [Sawing Wood A] [Sawing Wood B]

“FLEA’ FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Y’know, Zig, that was a real smart idea of yours to chew another giant mousehole behind Nurse Maudlyn’s drapes across the room here. 

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Well, Fleaglossitty, they don’t call me a certifiable genius for nuthin’. We saw her wall here is hollow an’ goes all the way round to the other side of her livin’ room. So, now, we can not only utilizate all that wasted extra space to hang more deckookerations an’ keep all the junk we’re gonna order for ourselves on her computer. An’ we got us a safety exit, too. 

F: An’ a closer entrance to run to if she tries to get us from that side of the room.

G: Yeah. An’ it was smart of me to suggesticate chewin’ the bottom of the hole sevooveral inches above the floor so it don’t show when she looks at them drapes. Lemme finish hangin’ this expensive piece of art that we ordered an’ that she’s payin’ for from Seemingwhales. SFX: [Hammer] Stinkin’ home, sweet stinkin’ home….

F: Amazin’ how that delivery drone even managed to drop it down into our chimney.

G: Yeah. It jus’ fit. So did our lounging chairs. So cornvenient that all these stores an’ restaurants can drop all the junk we order down our chimney, ain’t it?

F: Yeah, Zig. Now, y’know, I’m hungry after all that work. 

G: Yeah, Fleaglossitty. I’m starvin’, too. SFX: [Rumbling Stomach] Let’s go in the kitchen an’ make some lunch.

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]

F: Ah, we do we got here? Looks like she left a frozen Freak O’Nature dinner out to thaw. Chicken parmesan. Wit’ slogfloths and bloonked parrumph, covered in melted cross-eyed cheese and spiced, fermented blurdle sauce. 

G: Yum! I’m in the mood for chicken! Let’s throw it into the oven. I mainly want the chicken, though. Not all that other junk. We can make our own side dishes.

F: Y’know, Zig, she’ll notice the chicken’s gone. 

G: Looky up on the wall there! Do you see what I see? 

F: Yeah! She still got her purple glitter-sprayed dead rubber holiday chicken hangin’ there on the wall. 

G: Are you thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’? 

F: Yeah, Zig. After we cook an’ eat the chicken that comes wit’ this dinner, we can place that dead rubber chicken in the empty space in this here tray an’ even leave it bakin’ till she comes home!

G: Great minds think alike. Ain’t no accident that you an’ me been best friends since we were kids back on Planet Eccchs!

F: Great! While that bakes, let’s make our side dishes!

SFX: [Barbecue Sizzle] [Metal Crash 1] [Glass Shatter] [CanMetalTin] [CanTin] [Dish Ceramic] [Splash 5] [Glass Shatter] [Bang] [Dogs Eating] [Giant Burp]

F: Chicken’s done! 

SFX: [Dogs Eating] [Giant Burp]

F: An’ now, we place the dead rubber chicken where the real chicken we jus’ ate was, an’ we cover it wit’ blurdle sauce an’ put it all in to bake. At four hundred fifty degrees. Should be ready to eat when she gets home.

G: You’re jus’ as good a cook as me! Let’s go watch some TV.

F: Yeah. Let’s watch her TV so we don’t run down the batteries in ours.

G: Yeah!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Metal Click 4]

TV: Ah, the calla lilies are blooming again—all over the place! SFX: [Comedy Boing]

G: Ehhh—this Earth movie’s boring. SFX: [Metal Click 4]

F: Yeah. Let’s go upstairs an’ order some more junk on her computer.

G: Yeah. If we use her computer, then weee don’t gotta pay for nuthin’. C’mon!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkUpstairs]

F: I can smell that dead rubber chicken cookin’, all the way up here! Now, let’s dig under all her underwear an’ find that laptop of hers…. Ah, here it is…. Let’s put in her password, “Gongilafromba.”

SFX: [Computer Keyboard]

F: An’ we’re in! What should we shop for today? 

G: Looky, Fleaglossitty—she got Squiggleman’s Hardware bookmarked! Oh, wowsickles! Do you see them outdoor garden deckookerations there? Ain’t that thirty-foot monster made of truck tires beaudiful?

F: Yeah! It got arms an’ a scary face—wit’ big, sharp teeth! Are you thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?

G: Proboobably, Fleaglossitty! Tell me what you’re thinkin’!

F: We’ll order it right now an’ instruct them to install it right in the middle of her lawn here!

G: Yeah, we—I mean, she—can pay the extra delivery an’ set-up fees.

F: Awright! SFX: [Computer Keyboard]

G: An’ looky, Fleaglossitty—there’s an option to text her a gift card!

F: I think we’re thinkin’ the same thing, ain’t we? SFX: [Computer Keyboard] “A gift for you. To Nurse Maudlyn from your lover boy, Gongilafromba!”

G & F: [laughing]

F: I gotta use the bathroom.

G: Me too!

F: I’ll be quick, Zig.

G: That’s what’cha always say.

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Door Slam]

G: I caaaan’t hold it. SFX: [Mud Drops] Ooops, couldn’t hold it. Fleaglossitty, ya comin’ out? I hadda relieve myself in her comfortable at-home shoes again!

SFX: [Flushing Toilet] 

F: Uh-oh….

G: What is it, Fleaglossitty? 

SFX: [Door Open]

F: I jus’ accidentally spilled all this glue all over her toilet seat here!

G: Y’know, Fleaglossitty, now, we’ll both hafta relieve ourselves in her shoes until that glue dries.

SFX: [Wood Demolition] [Bang]

F: That’s probably them delivery guys, puttin’ that beaudiful statue in place. We’d better get downstairs an’ go back into our little home behind the wall. She’s gonna be home soon.

G: Yeah. C’mon!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkDownstairs] [Sneakers Squeaking] [DoorLockUnlockKeys] [DoorOpen] [Door Slam]

NURSE MAUDLYN: Yaaaaaaaah! What’s that ugly statue of a monster doing in the middle of my formerly beautiful lawn! It’s absolutely hideous! Must be thirty feet tall! What’s this text message? “A gift for you! To Nurse Maudlyn from your lover boy, Gongilafromba!” That man! I do triple shifts at Florence Ferguson Memorial and Holy Krapp, and he avoids me the whole time. I have to buy an expensive wig before I go to work because my hair fell out in the shower last night. And I have to struggle home in this weird weather—wire clothes hangers raining out of the sky! And then I come home to this grotesque statue littering my garden…and…and…what’s that burning rubber smell?

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] 

NM: My beautiful dead rubber chicken is gone…and it’s cooking in the oven! Why, those two dastardly canine-humanoid mutts—if Gongilafromba won’t help me, I’m gonna take matters into my own hands and poison them! But first, I need the bathroom and have to change into my comfortable at-home shoes! 

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkUpstairs] [Door Open] [Door Slam]

NM: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

SFX: [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkDownstairs]

NM: Where are you two little dastardly canine-humanoids?

F: Do ya always go around wearing a terlit seat on your bimbus?

G: Enjoy your dinner!

G & F: [laughing]

NM: Where’s that coming from? I can’t see you—it sounds like your voices are coming from both sides of this room!

SFX: [Rock Logo] [Magic Spell]

G: It’s meee, Gneeecey! Stinkin’ thanks for listenin’! An’ if you enjoy this podcast, you’ll proboobably enjoy them two books that the Ig, Vicki Solá, wrote. Y’know, that these podcast epoopisodes are based on You Can’t Unscramble the Omelet and also The Getaway That Got Away. You can find ’em both on Amazon! But don’t believe none of what she wrote ’bout meee, except if she wrote anything possiboobly good. 

SFX: [Magic Spell]

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###