Vanishing Act, Kind Of

“Vanishing Act, Kind Of” – Episode 140

Nicki, Dr. Idnas, and Grandma continue to be plagued by the mysterious racket, accompanied by menacing laughter, coming from the missing Gneeecey’s garbage dump of a basement. And more crazy weather manifests.

Meanwhile, across town, kidnapped canine-humanoid pals Gneeecey and Sooperflea continue to torment their captor—rotten Nurse Maudlyn. 

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Transcript

Transcript / Vanishing Act, Kind Of – Episode 140, written by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. 

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “Ain’t Gonna Make It to the Bathroom in Time,” Nicki Rodriguez and Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas rush home to therapist Ingabore Scriblig, also known as “Grandma,” after they hear her frantic voicemail message. A police officer on the scene reports that after thoroughly inspecting Gneeecey’s humongous garbage dump of a basement, he’s found nothing suspicious—only garbage, and tons of it. He informs them the mess is a fire hazard and he must submit a report to the Perswayssick Fire Department. He adds that they will most likely advise them to clean it up within a certain timeframe or pay a hefty fine.  

SFX: [Magic Spell] [HumanWalkUpstairs] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Metal Door Open]

THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”:  Nicki, vee vere getting vurried.

DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Yah, you vere down dere qvite a vhile.

NICKI ROGRIGUEZ: I have checked everything, everywhere and still don’t see any signs of anyone or anything out of the ordinary. Only trash.  I am gonna have to get this place cleaned out. I’m gonna ask our Vice Quality of Life Commissioner Jacob J. Qwertyuiop if he can recommend a good cleanout company. After all that rubbish is removed, I’m gonna temporarily work from down there so I can keep an eye on the situation.

DI: I vould tink dat once dat basement ees emptied out, dere should be no noises anymore.

IS: Yah.

N: I would hope. But my biggest priority is to find Gneeecey and Flea. I’m gonna hire a private investigator to track them down.

DI: Good idea, Nicki. Dee Persvayssick Police Department ees of no help. 

N: It’s a busy day. I’ve also gotta run downtown to Veggie Burger Avenue and check on the demolition of all those condemned buildings there.

IS: Yah. Gneeecey’s ten-foot-tall kanga-dyna-roos did qvite a job on dose buildings. Tank goodness de little monsters have disappeared.

N: And I’ve gotta work on our budget too. But the main thing is to find Gneeecey and Flea.

SFX: [Door Bell] [Door Knock]

N: Lemme go see who’s there….

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Bell] [Door Knock] [Door Open] [Scary Ambience]

DOROTHY (REDHEADED BROKEN-NOSED MARK): Hi, it’s me. Dorothy. Y’know, from the Perswayssick Girls Club?

N: Uh, Dorothy. I’m really busy now.

D(RBM): Youse always say dat when I stop by.

N: Well, Dorothy, how can I help you, then?

D(RBM): Da story is, how can I help you?

N: I don’t know what you mean. Like I said, I’m really very busy right now, and—

D(RBM): A little birdie told me youse need someone to come clean out dat junkyard of a basement of yours. I’ll do it for youse real cheap.

N: I don’t know where you heard that, but we’re perfectly capable of taking care of things here.

D(RBM): Go get the doc. It’s his house, ain’t it? He loves stuff bein’ done cheap.

N: Uh, Diroctor Gneeecey is busy right now.

D(RBM): Heh, heh…. Ya sayin’ the doc is tied up?

N: I’m saying he’s too busy to come to the door right now. And I’m too busy for this right now. I have to get back to work.

D(RBM): Awright then. But I got a funny feelin’ I’ll be hearin’ from ya. Later….

SFX: [Door Slam]

IS: Doroty ees really a nuisance!

DI: Yah. So persistent.

N: Evidently, someone in our police department has a big mouth.

DI: A lot of dose strange, vaxy-faced aliens—you know, dee vuns vit dee crazy-colored eyeballs dat look like dey’re related to Doroty—dey have infiltrated our police department.

N: That’s another thing I have to take care of—

SFX: [Can Tin Bag] [Can Metal Tin]

N: Holy crap!

DI & IS [in unison]: Oh my goodness!

N: It’s—it’s raining tin cans! Actual tin cans are pouring out of the sky!

SFX: [Can Tin Bag] [Can Metal Tin] [Footsteps Gravel] [Metal Crash 3] [Comical Scary Clown] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, across town, kidnapped Diroctor “Zig” Gneeecey and “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge continue to be imprisoned in rotten Nurse Maudlyn’s 666 Van Pooop Lane home. While she’s at work, the two get carried away, celebrating Flea’s birthday by redecorating her home.

SFX: [Magic Spell] 

G: Look! Her Grimace tree is still up! If we tear all her underwear into lotsa pieces, we’ll have more to deckookerate the tree with! SFX: [Fabric Tearin’]

F: Great idea, Zig! An’ we can use all these recyclables I found in the kitchen! They’ll look very priddy on this tree, too! Y’know, multicolored tin cans! Wow! I’m in the holiday spirit! This is turnin’ into the most fun birthday celebration ever!

SFX: [Magic Spell]

G: Well, Fleaglossitty, it was certaintaneously worth all the effort! That grimace tree looks beaudiful, don’t it?

F: Yeah, Zig! 

G: An’ thank Bogelthorpe that gigaaantical glass jar of prune juice didn’t break when ya dropped it. It looks so priddy upside-down on the very top of the tree! There’s still some juice drippin’ out of it, which makes for a very nice, shiny artistical effect.

F: An’ I ain’t cleanin’ all that spilt juice offa the floor either. It’s my birthday!

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: They whisk her expensive Sloggenberry cake out of her refrigerator and gobble half of it up. The two canine-humanoids scurry under the dining room table when they hear Nurse Maudlyn at the  door. Needless to say, when she enters, she is furious.

SFX: [Magic Spell] [DoorUnlockKeys] [Door Open] [Door Slam]

NM: What a long day! Shifts at Florence Ferguson Memorial and Holy Krapp. It’s so good to be home! I’ve been looking forward to coming back here and digging into that exquisite, expensive Sloggenbery Cake all day long! SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] What the—my cake! And my Grimace tree! It’s covered in tin cans and rags! Hey, what’s this trail of brown liquid on the floor?

SFX: [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn]

NM: Ow—my bimbus! I’ll bet those two mangy, no-good little creeps have escaped! I’d better go upstairs and check that black box! 

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Earlier, Gneeecey, unable to make it to the bathroom in time, had relieved himself in Nurse Maudyn’s comfortable “at home” shoes. SFX: [Magic Spell]

G: But first I gotta, y’know, relieve myself…ain’t gonna make it to the bathroom in time, but I see she cornveniently got a big pair of shoes right here! SFX: [Mud Drops] Ah, that’s better!

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Surveying the damage upon her return home from an exhausting day, Nurse Maudlyn rushes upstairs. SFX: [Magic Spell] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn]

NM: Ow—my bimbus! I’ll bet those two mangy, no-good little creeps have escaped! I’d better go upstairs and check that black box! 

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkUpstairs] [Door Open]

NM: Just as I thought—they’ve escaped! Wait till I catch them…. I must call Gongilafromba to tell him of this horrible, unanticipated development! But first, I must change into my comfortable at-home shoes. My feet are killing me! SFX: [Mud Splash]

NM [shrieks]: That does it!

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: And so, Nurse Maudlyn phones her cold, uncaring heartthrob, Doctor Gongilafromba Frombilagonga. He blows her off, as usual. When the doorbell rings, she rushes downstairs to answer. All she sees on her doorstep is a mountain of expired appetizers, entrees, snacks, desserts, and beverages from Gneeecey’s Gneeezle’s Restaurant—with an attached receipt informing her that her account has already been billed. 

Pranked and defeated, unable to find the two escaped canine-humanoids, she retires for the night, only to rise with the sun, to go back to work multiple shifts at Florence Ferguson Memorial and Holy Krapp.  

SFX: [Magic Spell]

FLEAGLOSSITTY “FLEA” FLOPPINSPLODGE: Okay, Zig. Now that’s she’s gone, we can come out from under this dining room table. What an uncomfortable night.

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: I’ll say, Fleaglossitty. What an igstremely uncomfoofortable stinkin’ lousy night. We’ll hafta find a better place to hide.

F: Y’know, we can’t hide forever. I’m doin’ an assessment here.

G: Assessment of what, Fleaglossitty? 

F: Our failures. We ain’t even made no attempt to escape. 

G: Well, all them locks on her doors are too high up an’ she got bars on all them windows. An’ we got caught up in smellebratin’ your birthday too, an’ redeckookeratin’ her dopey house.

F: All the same, if Professor Wallbang an’ the Perswayssick Superhero Academy ever found out how I mishandled this whole thing, I’d lose my accreditation. We even didn’t try to get out. We didn’t even try lookin’ for our missin’ mobile phones. We pranked her by orderin’ all them zillions of dollars’ worth of spoiled food from your Gneeezle’s Restaurant—

G: Which ’cause she’s a deadbeat she’ll never pay for even though I charged it all to her account, I’ll write it all off when I get outta here—

F: If we ever get outta here. Y’know, when we ordered all that food usin’ her landline over there, we didn’t even think of askin’ Altitude to send for help! We really, really messed up!

G: Like I said, we were too caught up in smellebratin’ your birthday. An’ then she came home an’ we hadda run an’ hide. Lemme see if I can get a outside line now.

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Phone Dialing] [Chimes]

AUTOMATED VOICE: If you wish to make an outgoing call, you must in the next five seconds enter your security code consisting of fifty-three numbers and letters or you will be automatically disconnected and barred from ever trying again. SFX: [Chimes] Sorry. You are about to be disconnected.

G: Oh, stinkin’ no! 

F: She’s thought of everything. Well, Zig, while we try an’ figure this out, we gotta find a better hidin’ place.

G: I got a real good idea, Fleaglossitty. SFX: [Atmosphere] Thinkin’ of my giant mouse delivery boy Altitude an’ his rodential heritage made me think of this!

F: Think of what, Zig?

G: See them drapes over there—them real hideous swamp-green ones dotted wit’ designs of smilin’ frogs? There’s a wall behind them drapes!

F: There usually is a wall behind drapes. We can’t hide behind drapes forever.

G: No, Fleaglossitty. The way we chewed our way outta that black box, we can chew a hole in that wall behind them drapes! We can chew a gigaaantical mouse hole in that there wall behind them drapes. Then we can gather food an’ other junk we need an’ keep it in there along wit’ ourselves. An’ we can think in peace an’ rest more comfoofortably, too!

F: Gotta give it to ya, Zig. That is a good idea! I mean, whadda we got to lose?

G: C’mon! Let’s go!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Sawing Wood A] [Sawing Wood B] [Magic Spell]

F: Well, Zig, we done it. An’ looky, it’s priddy roomy in there, too.

G: Yupperooney, Fleaglossitty. They don’t call me a certifiable genius for nuthin’! 

F: We’ve raided her refrigerator an’ cooked up a storm. Got plenny of food, now.

G: Made a real mess, too. But that’s what good cookin’ is all about. If ya don’t make a mess, ya didn’t try hard enough an’ it won’t taste good. An’ we used zillions of ingredients, too! 

F: We’re set for a while. I think we made too much oatmeal. It’ll go bad before we can eat it all.

G: I know—we’ll put some in her bed wit’ the covers over it to keep it warm! That way she can eat breakfast in bed before she goes to work!

F: We’re bein’ too nice an’ thoughtful, but yeah, we’ll do that. What the heck. Let’s go ahead an’ bring that extra bucket of oatmeal upstairs. I wanna go up there anyways to brush my teeth after all that chewin’. Brush all that plaster away.

G: Okay, let’s go! Help me carry this here lousy big bucket—it’s stinkin’ half as big as me! An’ watch out for all that slipoopery cookin’ oil I spilt on the floor there! Must be a bottle’s worth.

SFX: [Squeaking Sneakers] [HumanWalkUpstairs] [Magic Spell] [Mud Drops] [Mud Splash]

G: Okay, Fleaglossitty. Jus’ poured all them gallons of oatmeal in her bed an’ covered it up to keep it nice an’ warm for her. We’re bein’ too nice, ain’t we? Hey, ya been in that bathroom so long I hadda relieve myself in her shoes again. Ya gonna be out soon?

SFX: [Door Open] 

F: Yeah, Zig. Ya can come on in. Jus’ finishin’ brushin’ my teeth. SFX: [Human Brush] Found a new toothbrush still in the package. I wanna bring it down to our little hideaway. This toothpaste, too. But I don’t see no more. She might notice it’s missin’.

G: No worries, Fleaglossitty. You take that wit’ you. See this tube of glue I found here? We’ll put it right here where the toothpaste used to be. It’s the same size, shape, an’ color. She won’t never know the difference!

F: Looky! A jar of vanishin’ cream! 

G: Let’s put some on! If we’re invisible, it’ll make it easier for us to get junk done around here!

F: I dunno, Zig….

G: C’mon, Fleaglossitty! 

F: Looky! You’re almost all gone! I think I will try some of this! 

G: Uh-oh—lousy jar’s empty awready! We ain’t got enough to cover our red high-top sneakers!

F: Oh, well. Let’s go back downstairs. Maybe we can watch TV for a while before she gets home.

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Hyena Laugh] [Audience Laughing] [Audience Applause]

G: This show ’bout hyenas was kinda interesticatin’, but I’m glad I turned it off before I get nightmares. SFX: [Metal Click 4] It brung back all them memories of when I was straaanded on that hyena-infested prehysterical island after that jetliner I was flyin’ dumped itself right into the middle of the Stomachian Sea. Them hyenas are real, real mean!

F: As we found out. Remember when my superhero ESP worked good enough to find ya there in the middle of nowhere? 

SFX: [DoorLockUnlock] [Door Open]

G: Well, Fleaglossitty, your superhero ESP ain’t workin’ now. If it was, ya would know that she jus’ came home early!

NURSE MAUDLYN: What a terrible day! Exhausting shifts at Florence Ferguson and Holy Krapp, then crazy weather! Tin cans are literally pouring out of the sky—a big one hit me in the head! And Gongilafromba was too busy to see me to deal with our big problem—and what’s that I see? Four red high-top sneakers running around all by themselves! I’ll bet those two dastardly canine-humanoids found my jar of vanishing cream! You two, get back here! I am gonna show you a thing or two!

G: If ya can catch us! Heh hah, heh haah!

F: Scatter! 

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Duck Horn]

NM: Why you! Ow—my bimbus! Who spilled all this cooking oil all over my floor? I am gonna go upstairs right now and phone Gongilafromba. He’s gonna help me put an end to all this! I’m gonna give him an ultimatum! I’m gonna make that man’s life as miserable as he makes mine!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkUpstairs]

NM: Before I call that man, I’m gonna change into my comfortable “at home” shoes. My feet are killing me! SFX: [Mud Splash] Yaaaaaah—I forgot! Y’know, I’m not even hungry. Let me go into the bathroom and brush my teeth so I can dive right into my bed after I speak with that Gongilafromba!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Human Brush]

NM: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

SFX: [Cartoon 1] [Magic Spell] 

G: It’s meee, Gneeecey! Stinkin’ thanks for listenin’! An’ if you enjoy this podcast, you’ll proboobably enjoy them two books that the Ig, Vicki Solá, wrote. Y’know, that these podcast epoopisodes are based on You Can’t Unscramble the Omelet and also The Getaway That Got Away. You can find ’em both on Amazon! But don’t believe none of what she wrote ’bout meee, except if she wrote anything possiboobly good. 

 We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###