Din-Din Time for Zombies

“Din-Din Time for Zombies” – Episode 132

Floating high up in icy, gray clouds, earthling Nicki encounters someone she knows all too well. And back in Perswayssick County, canine-humanoid temporary leader “Zig” Gneeecey comes up with a plan to deal with the hangry zombies milling about on Veggie Burger Avenue.

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Transcript

Transcript / Din-Din Time for Zombies – Episode 132, written by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. 

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Sad Strings] 

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “How Do We Stop Hate?”, a guilty and angry Nicki argues with wise Planet Eccchs leader Zinfandel as she floats in golden clouds….

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Heavenly Drone]

NICKI RODRIGUEZ: All I know is that I can’t live with myself knowing that I unintentionally—totally unwittingly—brought a virus of hate to the dimension of Perswayssick County—the place I am now charged with leading…. Everything I stand for means nothing…. Everything I ever stood for means nothing…. I mean nothing….

ZINFANDEL: My child, isn’t that all the more reason for you to return to Perswayssick County and make things right?

N: Easier said than done. How, I ask you, how do we stop hate?

Z: How do we stop hate anywhere? How do we stop hate wherever it festers in this infinite universe that we inhabit? How do we stop hate in Perswayssick County? How do we stop hate on your planet Earth? What can any of us do? What do each one of us have within our power to do? Mustn’t we each search within ourselves? If not now, when?

N: You’re not giving me any answers—just a bunch of questions without answers. Maybe then I’ll just return to my own planet and work on it there.

Z: My child, you must look within yourself for answers. And there are no simple answers. 

N: Like I said, with all due respect, I think I’ll just return to my own planet and work on it there. I know how to get back…. 

SFX: [Closing] [Magic Glitter]

N: Zinfandel…Zinfandel…. Where are you?

SFX: [Heavenly Drone] [Magic Ringing] [Alien Transform]

N: Well, if it’s gonna be like that—if you can leave, so can I. And I’m going to! I am outta here!

SFX: [Supersonic Aerodynamic Whoosh] [Orbital Fear Polisher]

N: I’m sorry, Zinfandel. I didn’t mean any disrespect…hey…I’m here floating in gray clouds, and I’m—I’m freezing…. Where, uh, in Bogelthorpe’s name am I?

NICKI RODRIGUEZ 2: Look, you’re even talking like them.

N: Who… who… what are you doing here?

N2: Same thing you’re doing. 

N: I thought I got rid of you—a long time ago! 

N2: You don’t honestly believe you can ever really get rid of your shadow side, do you?

N: I did before!

N2: Not really. You never will! Maybe you’ll just keep me quiet for a while, but….

N: Don’t you come any closer…. Just tell me what you’re doing here. I’ve got enough problems already. Why have you suddenly shown up?

N2: You’re so freakin’ smart, you tell me!

N: You wanna see just how smart I am?

N2: Get away from me! Don’t you dare float any closer to me!

N: Then you get out of here. No one told you to show up.

N2: Now you’re even more conflicted. 

N: It’s none of your business what I am.

N2: Oh, but it is. That’s why I’m here. You’ve called me back into existence. You and I are thinking the same thing, but I still detect some resistance.

N: How do you even know what I’m thinking?

N2: I was right there with you when you told Zinfandel that he didn’t give you any answers, just questions, and so you’re gonna go back to your own planet and work on things there. That’s the smartest thing you’ve ever said, and that’s why I’m here, to make sure you do this time. Well? I know. You’re gonna tell me that you can’t bear to leave Sooperflea, Gneeecey, Grandma, Doctor Idnas, and the rest of them there in that wacko dimension of Perswayssick County.  

N: I was angry with Zinfandel and the whole situation, but I’ve—I’ve made my life there.  

N2: Look down, you fool, we’re hovering right over Hackensack—again—on our planet Earth—right now. We can go home! Let’s just forget Perswayssick County! We need to stay here in our regular New Jersey! If we do, I’ll leave you alone.

N: Will you really? I don’t think so….

N2: You’re calling me a liar?

N: You—you don’t really understand….

N2: Oh, I don’t? Looks like you still just wanna stay stuck, don’cha! If you don’t return to your regular world here, I can’t either! What’s wrong with you, ya stupid fool?

N: How dare you!

N2: You’re still as selfish and wishy-washy as ever, aren’t you?

N: I’ve heard just about enough! It would be selfish and wishy-washy of me to leave my responsibilities in Perswayssick County. There’s a crisis down there that I caused!

N2: Can’t keep out of trouble, can you?

N: I didn’t ask for your input!

N2: Oh, didn’t you? Like I said, why do you freakin’ think I’m here?

N: I am going back to the dimension of Perswayssick County. Final decision.

N2: So, you care more about those mangy canine-humanoids Gneeecey and Sooperflea than you do about your own Earth family? 

N: I was elected leader of Perswayssick County, and it was cowardly of me to leave—

N2: No, it was smart of you to leave. You finally stopped sitting on your brain. You didn’t choose to be Grate Gizzy. You were forced by that mangy, devious canine-humanoid mutt.

N: Gneeecey didn’t force me. And he’s not a mangy mutt. He asked me to run for Grate Gizzy in his place because a constitutional technicality prevented him from running for another consecutive term. And I agreed, in order to keep the bad guys from taking over Perswayssick County.

N2: Some fine job you’ve done.

N: I need to go back and finish what I started. I have to put things right. 

N2: What about everything you started and never finished down there on Earth? Or put right? We are going back down to regular New Jersey right now!

N: Since when do I take orders from you?

SFX: [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, back in Perswayssick County, Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas has finally coaxed a scared “Zig” Gneeecey out from under his bed. 

SFX: [Magic Spell]

G: Well, Doctor Idnas, hiding makes a person hungry. Thanks for bringin’ me up that piece of Mrs. Dammit’s Sloggenberry Pie wit’ chicken-flavored ice cream on top.

SFX: [Dog Eating] [Giant Burp]

DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: As I said, I’m glad you finally decided to halp me. 

G: Now, meee, as the highly educated skientist that I am, in addition to all my other impressive qualifoolifications, I’m wonderin’ how long Graaandma, Fleaglossitty, an’ all them other people the Ig froze can stay like statues….. I’m wonderin’, y’know, ’bout their metaboliboolical functions an’ junk.

DI: Vall, vhile you vere shivering under your bed—

G: —ya mean, while my knees were knockin’ under my bed—

DI: —yah—vhatever—I had Officer Goodman give me a lift downtown to Veggie Burger Avenue. 

G: Well, I woulda, if I wasn’t so busy.

DI. Yah, right. So, I checked dee breathing of deese so-called statues. Eeet ees vary slowed down—almost like dey are een a state of hibernation.

G: Hiboobernation?

DI: Yah. Een all my years in medicine, I have never seen anyting like dis. I also did take a risk—I managed to take another blood sample from Grandma to compare vit dee vun I already have. She did not even blink.

G: Well, I’m gonna do more than stinkin’ blink when ya come at me wit’ that big needle in your hand!

DI: I told you, Diroctor Gneeecey, I need to ensure dat vhen you sneezed out dose dimes, eet vas nothing more dan dat. After all, you deed before test positive for dee Odiumisia antibodies.

G: Maybe if I put my lousy TeeeVeee on, it’ll calm me down so’s ya can steal some more of my precious blood.

DI: Alright, den….

SFX: [Metal Click 4] [Glass Shatter]

NEWS ANNOUNCER: Breaking news now! A sudden storm has materialized in downtown Perswayssick City, causing the frozen, statue-like crowd of citizens on Veggie Burger Avenue to come back to life. On the scene now is our Channel Three-and-a-half GAS-TV correspondent, Stu Pitt.

SFX: [Pouring Rain With a Thunderstorm] [Zombies Chanting]

NEWS ANNOUNCER: Stu…Stu?

SFX: [Pouring Rain With a Thunderstorm] [Zombies Chanting] 

G: I stinkin’ can’t bear to watch this coverage no more.

SFX: [Metal Click 4]

DI: Poor Stu. Do you tink he’s alright? Do you tink dee zombies got him? I vunder, vill vee ever see him again?

G: Stinkin’ whatever, nah, an’ proboobably. In that order.

DI: Vhy, Diroctor Gneeecey, you don’t sound awfully concerned about your employee, do you?

G: Looky, Doctor Idnas, I’m sure ol’ donkey-humanoid Stu Pitt is okay. 

DI: How can you be so sure?

G: ’Cause he ain’t got no brain! Heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah!

DI: You know, I still vant to take another blood sample from you, as I said, to make sure dat you have not come down vit an active case of Odiumisia. Hopefully, eet vas just your usual sneezing out of dimes and not an active case of dis virus. 

G: Later, Doctor Idnas. Remember when ya told me it was time for me to put on my big boy pants? Well, I’m gonna do that right now. I’ll put ’em on right over my stinkin’ shorts.

SFX: [Fabric Tear]

G: Well, never mind. Somehow, these dopey trousers grew a little small…. Anyways, me bein’ the genius that I am, I think I thunk up a way to control them zombies, an’ also to write off a nice loss for my Gneeezle’s Restaurant.

DI: Really?

G: Yeah. Y’know, in the Ig’s unauthorizated absence, I am now teckooknickly again Grate Gizzy of this here lousy Perswayssick County. We got a big multipoople crisis here. So, now it’s my job to take some action. I’m gonna call Altitude right now. He’s workin’ at the restaurant today.

DI: Vhat does your mouse-humanoid employee Altitude have to do vit all of dis?

G: You’ll stinkin’ see, Doctor Idnas. You’ll see….

SFX: [Cell Phone Dialing]

G: Smello? Altitude? It’s meee, your lousy boss…. Don’t get intelligent wit’ meee, or I’ll garnish your paycheck wit’ a expired date. Now, I need ya to do somethin’ for me…. Yeah…. It’s a plan to deal wit’ all them zombies on Veggie Burger Avenue. Uh-huh…. Listen up, mouse. Y’know how our customers are always sayin’ our jackass burgers taste like brains? Well, we got a ton of ’em in the freezer…yeah, them ones wit’ freezer burn. That’s ’cause they been in there a real long time…. Yeah. They’re proboobably expired. So, I wan’cha to cook ’em all up an’ pile ’em on our beaudiful outdoor tables…. Yeah. All of ’em. Next, I wan’cha to run down to Veggie Burger Avenue an’ let all the zombies know we got brains at the Gneeezle’s. Ya can use that ol’ cowbell as a dinner bell an’ lead ’em to Murgatroyd Avenue. But don’t let ’em inside. They can sit at the tables an’ eat…. Takes more than zombies to scare you? Good. I’ll be watchin’ on TV. G’bye.

SFX: [Cartoon One] [Magic Spell]

G: Lemme put on the TV….

SFX: [Metal Click 4] [Glass Shatter] 

NEWS ANNOUNCER: Breaking news now! Our GAS-TV Channel Three-and-a-half news cam shows that crowd of zombies marching down Veggie Burger Avenue behind a giant mouse who’s banging a bell of some sort. They all appear to be heading in the direction of Murgatroyd Avenue.

SFX: [Zombies Chanting] [Cowbell]

ALTITUDE THE MOUSE: Brains! Brains! Come get your brains! We got brains! Follow me!

SFX: [Zombies Chanting] [Cowbell]

ATM: Come get your din-din! It’s din-din time for zombies! C’mon, guys! I ain’t afraid of no zombies!

G: Brilliant plan, if I say so myself. In addition to a big write-off, this’ll buy me more time.

SFX: [Zombies Chanting] [Cowbell] [Rock Logo] [Magic Spell] [Alien Transform] [Orbital Fear Polisher]

N: I said I am returning to Perswayssick County! You can stay here!

N2: No, I can’t, you fool. I’ve gotta go wherever you go!

N: How can I stop hate when I hate you?

N2: Maybe that’s the problem.

N: Here we go—ready or not!

N2: Noooooo!

SFX: [Jet Engine Startup] [Supersonic Aerodynamic Whoosh] [Magic Glitter] [Closing x 2] [BodyFallHuman]

G: What in Bogelthorpe’s name was thaaat?

DI: Eeet came from upstairs!

SFX: [Squeaking Sneakers] [Human Walk Upstairs] [Door Open]

DI: Nicki—dere are two of you!

G: Two Igs—on the floor! I hate all these stinkin’ compooplications! Am I still Grate Gizzy?

N & N2 [in unison]: Not anymore!

SFX: [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]

G: It’s meee, Gneeecey! Stinkin’ thanks for listenin’! An’ if you enjoy this podcast, you’ll proboobably enjoy them two books that the Ig, Vicki Solá, wrote. Y’know, that these podcast epoopisodes are based on, You Can’t Unscramble the Omelet and also The Getaway That Got Away. You can find ’em both on Amazon! But don’t believe none of what she wrote ’bout meee, except if she wrote anything possiboobly good.

SFX: [Rock Logo] [Magic Spell]

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###