Wrong Way! Do Not Enter!

“Wrong Way! Do Not Enter!” – Episode 113

When he hears about financial and political consequences he may suffer, the furious soon-to-be-former Grate Gizzy of Perswayssick County “Zig” Gneeecey finally decides to come out from under the couch in time to swear in his human Earthling successor Grate Gizzy-elect Nicki Rodriguez. If they don’t make it to Seemingwhale Square by noon, the county’s constitution allows The Surprise Party to take control by default.

Only problem is, the canine-humanoid takes matters into his own furry hands, literally. He insists on doing the driving himself….

Meanwhile, rotten Nurse Maudlyn finds herself locked up in the county jail, charged with voting five zillion and three times—something she claims Gneeecey instructed her to do.

The two collide when Gneeecey’s reckless driving lands him in jail where they find out they share the same attorney, John Smiff, Equestrian. He hasn’t returned their frantic phone calls but shows up unexpectedly, offering them a deal to walk. Nurse Maudlyn consents, but with fifteen minutes left until noon and swear-in time, will Gneeecey agree to Smiff’s terms? “That’s like askin’ me to choose between my money an’ my life,” replies Gneeecey, adding that he needs to think it over.

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Transcript

Transcript / Wrong Way! Do Not Enter! – Episode 113, written by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. 

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In our last episode, “Lame Duck,” Perswayssick County’s soon-to-be-former Grate Gizzygalumpaggis “Zig” Gneeecey is so infuriated by an anonymous gift—a quacking cane with a note attached referring to him as a lame duck—that smoke literally billows out of his black triangular ears, setting off his mansion’s fire alarm. Fellow canine-humanoid “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, also known as Sooperflea, quickly remedies the situation. He dumps a bucket of ice-cold water on his pal’s head, making him even angrier.

Sooperflea and human companions Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas and therapist Ingabore Scriblig, also known as “Grandma,” are horrified when the enraged Gneeecey announces that he does not intend to attend Gizzygalumpaggis-elect Nicki Rodriguez’s inauguration. According to the county’s constitution, only he, as Grate Gizzy, can swear in his successor. If he fails to show up, the bad guys—The Surprise Party—are permitted, by default, to take over.

[Magic Spell]

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Shaaadup, Ig! I got news for all of youse! I ain’t goin’ to your lousy inordination! 

“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”:  Zig! Ya gotta go! G: No, I don’t! 

NICKI RODRIGUEZ: But you’re supposed to swear me in! 

G: I’ll more likely swear at’cha!

N: But we’re supposed to have a smooth, orderly transition of power!

G: Stinkin’ says who?

N: Says our county’s constitution!

G: Since when did you become an expert on that junk?

N: Since I began running for office, that’s when!

G: Well, I don’t give a deck of vlecks! I ain’t goin’, an’ youse can’t make me!

DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS Diroctor Gneeecey, please reconsider dis. How can Nicki even try and change dee law so dat you could be permitted to run again eef you violate dis county’s constitution?

THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah, Alexandra ees right! Nicki vill not even be svorn een. 

G: I don’t stinkin’ care what any of youse say. I’m goin’ under the couch, an’ youse can’t make me come out!

F: Oh, gee, he’s awready under the couch!

SFX: [Parade Marching Band] [Police Sirens]

F: Listen, Zig—the Perswayssick Marchin’ Band is awready marchin’ to Seemin’whale Square for Nicki’s inauguration! C’mon, Zig, please! We can’t do this wit’out ya! 

G: Told youse, I ain’t comin’ out!

F: I’m sure the bad guys sent ya that cane on purpose, to get ya so mad ya wouldn’t show up for the ceremony! Then they can try an’ take power! C’mon, Zig—don’cha care about the fate of our county?

G: I don’t care what’cha tell me, Fleaglossitty—I ain’t comin’ out. My mind’s made up. I ain’t goin’! An’ get off your hands an’ knees. What are ya, prayin’ to me? I’m flattered, but I ain’t changin’ my dopey mind!

F: C’mon, Zig—ow! He jus’ bit me!

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Cuckoo Clock]

G: Awready told ya, Fleaglossitty, I ain’t comin’ out! Ain’t goin’ to the Ig’s inordination!

F: That’s inauguration, Zig! An’ stop bitin’ up an’ down your arm! You’re exhibitin’ dog behaviors that were supposed to be trained out of us many boingtangs ago! It’s true, back on Planet Eccchs, us talkin’, upright-walkin’ canine-humanoids descended from dogs, jus’ as dogs descended from wolves! We canine-humanoids are proud, productive citizens now! So, stop chewin’ on your wrist—you’re gonna damage your watch! An’ come on out from under that couch!

G: No! No! No! No! No! No! No! I don’t care what’cha say! I ain’t!

N: Look, he is comin’ out from under the couch—but now he’s eating a hole in it!

F: Zig, when ya come back to your senses, you’ll be pretty mad that you’ve chewed up your expensive new couch!

N: Oh, no—now he’s scooting across the carpet!

G: Ow! My lousy bimbus is still sore from all them falls! 

F: Only got yourself to blame, Zig! Now stop all this dog behavior right now! This is unbefittin’ of a Grate Gizzy! You’re losin’ all your dignity—if ya ever had any!

G: Shaaadup, Fleaglossitty!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]

DI: Oh dear, now Diroctor Gneeecey ees running circles around dee perimeters of dee room here, on dee vooden floor!

IS: I believe dey call dat dee “zoomies,” Alexandra!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Bodyfall Human] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn]

G: Jus’ fell on my lousy bimbus again! 

SFX: [Dog Barking]

F: Oh, no, Zig! Now ya got me barkin’ too! I’m so embarrassed! 

DI: Don’t vorry, Flea. Vee all realize dat dis ees a vary stressful situation.

SFX: [Glass Shatter]

TV ANNOUNCER: Breaking news now! We interrupt our previously interrupted programming to tell you that as of this moment, soon-to-be-former Grate Gizzy Diroctor “Zig” Gneeecey and his successor, Grate Gizzy-elect Nicki Rodriguez, have not yet arrived at Seemingwhale Square, where the transfer of power is to take place. Only Gneeecey may swear Rodriguez in at precisely noon, as mandated by our county constitution, or The Surprise Party takes control by default. Furthermore, Gneeecey will suffer consequences. He will forfeit his title of Perswayssick County Quality of Life Commissioner, including all pay, and will be ineligible to run for any county office for the remainder of his lifetime. He and Rodriguez have forty-five minutes to make it to Seemingwhale Square. 

G: C’mon, guys—let’s stinkin’ go! Does this clean dirty T-shirt look dirty enough?

F: Well, Zig, now that ya mention it—

G: I said, c’mon! Let’s stinkin’ go! Gotta get to Seemin’whale Square! Now!

SFX: [Squeaking Sneakers] [Door Open] [Door Slam] [Magic Spell] [25 Police Station]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, across town in Perswayssick County Jail….

POLICE OFFICER: Well, ma’am, you already got your one call!

NURSE MAUDLYN: But my attorney, John Smiff, Equestrian, is not calling me back! I demand another phone call! I’m being unjustly held here in this, I must say, primitive medieval prison—

PO: I wouldn’t go that far, ma’am. You’ve already had three cups of the same coffee we drink and two three-foot-long hero sandwiches—

NM: Young man, I find myself incarcerated here against my will! 

PO: Well, ma’am, you’re being held here because—

NM: Because I am unjustly charged with voting five zillion and three times! Well, Grate Gizzy Diroctor Gneeecey should be the one behind bars, not me! He called me five zillion and three times—and I’m sure that electronic cellphone records will confirm this—he called that many times, telling me to vote for that Nicki Rodriguez—he called her “Ig” or something. Anyway, this being a free county, I voted five zillion and three times, authorized by county leader Grate Gizzygalumpaggis Gneeecey, but for my choice, The Surprise Party! Now, I demand—

SFX: [TonePhoneRingElectronic]

PO: That might be your attorney now…hello…yeah…she’s right here. Here, Ma’am, it is for you.

NM: Hello? John?

DOCTOR GONGILAFROMBA FROMBILAGONGA: No, eet ees me, Doctor Frombilagonga.

NM: Oh, that’s even better! Oh, Gongilafromba—

DF: Dat ees Doctor Frombilagonga to you.

NM: I didn’t know you cared!

DF: I don’t. I vas merely attempting to find out vhy you have missed your shifts at Florence Ferguson Memorial and Holy Krapp. 

NM: I am in Perswayssick County Jail—being held against my will because that—that dastardly, rotten-to-the-core Diroctor Gneeecey ordered me to vote five zillion and three times—

DF: How unfortunate for you. 

NM: And my attorney hasn’t even called back yet. Can you help me?

DF: No. Vee are short-staffed at both hospitals. I must find replacements. Have a nice day. 

SFX: [Metal Click 4]

NM: Gongilafromba! Doctor Frombilagonga! Pleeeaze! That man doesn’t even deserve me!

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Car Engine] [Harley Davidson Engine] [Car Horns] [Screeching Brakes]

F: Zig—you shouldn’t be drivin’! Ya don’t even know how to drive—let me drive!

G: Nah, Fleaglossitty—I can get us there faster! Gotta get to Seemin’whale Square before it’s too stinkin’ late!

DI: Diroctor Gneeecey, vee vould prefer to get dere alive!

IS: Yah!

N: C’mon, Diroctor Gneeecey—let Flea drive! Or me—

SFX: [Horns] [A Car Crashing]

N: Holy crap!

G: Don’t worry, Ig—that accident’s in back of us awready!

F: Zig! You’re gonna get us killed—

N: Diroctor, let one of us drive!

IS: Yah, please!

G: I know a shortcut!

N: Noooo! Not through there—it says—

F: —wrong way—do not enter!

G: Ya can’t believe everything ya read—

SFX: [Horns] [Scream] [Male Screams 3 & 6] [Screeching Brakes] [Police Siren] [Magic Spell] [Police Station]

N: Oh, this is great, Diroctor Gneeecey! My inauguration is in thirty minutes, and now you’re locked up here in jail, and I can’t be sworn in without you, so the bad guys will take over! We’re powerless! All is lost!

F: All ’cause you hadda act like a big baby an’ take your so-called shortcut!

DI: You did not exhibit good judgment, Diroctor Gneeecey.

IS: Yah, your judgment vas radder poor.

G: Stinkin’ shaaadup, all of youse. Can’cha lock the four of them up?

POLICE OFFICER 2: Nope. You were the reckless driver, not them.

G: I aaam wreckless!

PO2: What? Already told ya, ya have the right to remain silent and consult an attorney—

G: I am wreckless—ain’t got no wrecks on my record! An’ my attorney John Smiff, Equestrian ain’t called back yet!

NM: Oh, I hear a rather familiar voice! That of Diroctor Gneeecey!

F: I’m almost afraid to ask—is that Nurse Maudlyn I’m hearin’?

NM: Be afraid. Very afraid. Tis I, the one and only legendary Nurse Maudlyn! And it appears that Diroctor Gneeecey and I share the same attorney, John Smiff, Equestrian!

G & F [in unison]: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe!

NM: It’s your fault, Diroctor Gneeecey, that I am wrongly locked up! You commanded me to vote five zillion and three times, and you are mistaken if you think I will take the rap for you!

SFX: [Door Open]

JOHN SMIFF, EQUESTRIAN: Hey, guys, it’s me!

G: Hey—is that yooou, John Smiff, Equestrian? Ain’t seen ya in years! Your hair’s gray—it used to be dark! Only know ya by your voice ’cause I always hear it on your voicemail! Ya musta come in person this time ’cause ya smelled mon-ney!

NM: John Smiff, I trust that you listened carefully to my message and know who’s at fault here!

JSE: Hold onto your skivvies, both of ya!

G: Hers mus’ be priddy big!

NM: And yours must be pretty dirty!

JSE: Look, I represent both of youse here—

N: That doesn’t even sound legal! I’ve studied our county’s constitution and—

JSE: Well, Miss, ya musta missed Section BS 399, Article 43. Now, let’s not waste time here. I jus’ cut a deal so both of youse could walk—for now. We’ll discuss details later. Youse jus’ both gotta agree to it.

NM: Well, John, I certainly agree to let that fraudster walk if it means that I can.

JSE: And you, Diroctor Gneeecey? 

G: That’s like askin’ me to choose between my mon-ney an’ my life!

N: Diroctor Gneeecey, please! You and I only have fifteen minutes to get to Seemingwhale Square before all is lost!

G: Gotta think about it. Hey, Mister Police, whose paychecks I sign, can I go to the bathroom?

PO2: Yeah, but unfortunately for me, I have to accompany ya.  

SFX: [DoorLockUnlock] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Door Slam] [Clock Tick] [Toilet Flush] [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Magic Spell]

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###