Vote for the Ig!

“Vote for the Ig” – Episode 110

Election night proves to be a real nail-biter, as in the Perswayssick Superhero Academy’s Professor Willard Wallbang remarks, nefarious influences abound. 

We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sandi Solá, Sal Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean and Sammie for being generous supporting members via BuyMeACoffee.com! We appreciate their sponsorship and support more than words can say! 

https://buymeacoffee.com/Perswayssick (Please support us with a one-time gift or monthly sponsorship amount—various levels available—to help keep us coming to you via BuyMeACoffee.com! We’ll shout you out during our podcast episodes and in our show notes here, plus supply you with more fun perks!)  

https://www.amazon.com/Vicki-Sola/e/B07J29RVMQ (Amazon Author Page, check out our Gneeecey/Nicki e-books and paperbacks!)

https://www.nfreads.com/interview-with-author-vicki-sola/ (Interview with Vicki Solá)

https://perswayssickradio.buzzsprout.com (right here, our Buzzsprout website w/episodes & transcripts!)   

And many thanks to disproportionately cool artist Jay Hudson for our podcast logo! https://yojayhudson.com/

This Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy podcast is made possible in part by a generous grant from The Ardelle Institute, providing Executive Coaching for aspiring and established professionals who want to develop their careers, including upwardly mobile executives, professionals who may be in between jobs and college graduates transitioning to the workforce. The Ardelle Institute helps with resumes, cover letters, LinkedIn profiles, interview skills, and effective job search strategies.  For more information, please call (201) 394-6939, that's (201) 394-6939, or visit them on the web at ardelle-institute.com, that's A-R-D-E-L-L-E dash institute dot com. Take it from me, Gneeecey!

Transcript

Transcript / Vote for the Ig! – Episode 110, written by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. 

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In our last episode, “Election Day” …

SFX: [Magic Spell]

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Ig, yooou stinkin’ better win this lousy election so I retainerate control in this here county! Me an’ Fleaglossitty can’t go out to vote in person lookin’ like citrus fruits, but luckily we can vote from my high-tech terlit. Y’know, my Electronic Water Cyclone 3000? Great feature, we jus’ press a coupla buttons on the tank, drop our ballots into the bowl, an’ flush—an’ through the beaudiful magic of technology, our votes are automatically counted! C’mon, Fleaglossitty, let’s go upstairs an' vote for the Ig!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Human Walk Upstairs] [Rock Logo] [Flushing Toilet x2]

G & “FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA” [in unison]: Jus’ voted!

G: For yooooou, Ig! 

NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Thanks, guys. 

G: An’ like I said, ya better stinkin’ win so I an keep runnin’ Perswayssick County from behind the scenes!

N: I’m doing my best. I’m not in this to lose and let the bad guys—that Surprise Party—take charge of our county.

F: An’ Zig, we should thank Nicki here for orderin’ us these two new pairs of red high-top sneakers!

G: Yeah. Thank her, Fleaglossitty.

N: You’re welcome.

G: For what, Ig? Y’know, when you win this here lousy election an’ ya win the title of Grate Gizzy—as jus’ a figurehead, wit’ meee really in control—you will have earned a pair of these beaudiful red high-tops for yourself. Now, I gotta go downstairs an’ make some phone calls…

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [BodyfallHuman] [Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Duck Horn] 

G: Jus’ fell on my lousy bimbus! Ain’cha gonna come help me, Fleaglossity?

F: The more things change, the more they stay the same…

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Cuckoo Clock] [Phone Dial]

G: Vote for the Ig!

SFX: [Phone Dial]

G: Vote for the Ig!

SFX: [Phone Dial]

G: Vote for the Ig!

SFX: [Phone Dial]

G: Vote for the Ig!

SFX: [Phone Dial]

G: Vote for the Ig! Heya, Ig, I jus’ made five-zillion an’ three campaign calls on your behalf, urgin’ our snitizens to vote for ya! 

N: Uh, thanks, Diroctor Gneeecey.

G: Now, I hope yooou stinkin’ voted! 

N: Of course I did! Doctor Idnas, Grandma, and I just voted at School Three-and-a-half, you know, down on Mayhem Street. Some pretty strange people were in line with us. Now, I’m gonna make some snacks for us to have, y’know, when we all watch the election returns together in the Grate Room tonight.

G: What’cha makin’, Ig? More of them weird vegoogitarian snacks? Your plants might get mad when we eat ’em! Heh hah, heh haah!

N: Y’know, if you combine beans or nuts with any whole grain, you get a complete protein! And I just bought us some really tasty—

G: Well, you’re awready half there—you’re awready nuts!

N: Oh yeah? When I win tonight, you may find out how nuts I really am!

SFX: [Rock Logo] [Magic Spell]

DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Deese snacks are really good, Nicki!

THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Ya, dey are delicious! Dey are sveet but savory at dee same time!

F: Yeah, Nicki, I love them!

G: I hope if the Ig wins, she ain’t gonna try an’ make us eat like this all the time! 

N: Look! Look—on TV! They’re showing my speech at the rally!

N: We must rebuild our Perswayssick City in the aftermath of the havoc and destruction caused by those monster Kanga-Dyna-Roos. I will, in full cooperation with County Quality of Life Commissioner Gneeecey and his Vice Commissioner Jacob J. Qwertyuiop, ensure that all of our affected downtown buildings are thoroughly inspected and repaired where possible or otherwise rebuilt, especially those high-rises on Veggie Burger Avenue! 

SFX: [Applause]

N: And I assure you that if elected to this great office, I will not cut any corners when it comes to our citizens’ safety. Our electrical grid will be modernized and made safe!

SFX: [Applause]

N: I believe that equal opportunity must exist for all of us in this county—humans, canine-humanoids, mouse-humanoids, donkey-humanoids, and even Earth humans like me!

SFX: [Audience Laughing] [Applause]

N: In my Perswayssick County, no one will be left behind! I will designate funding to accelerate existing scientific research to enable our stranded Planet Eccchsers who wish to return to their beloved Planet Eccchs, to return! 

SFX: [Applause]

N: And yes, I said that no one will be left behind! That also includes our growing homeless dog population who hide in those abandoned, condemned dog houses on the edge of town—on Boulevard Avenue! We will help them! I will allocate funds for them to live in decent housing and have healthy food and medical care. And we will also accelerate our efforts to clean the toxic, mucky mierk that coats our Perswayssick County’s riverbanks! 

SFX: [Utter Astonish Shock] 

N: Diroctor Gneeecey and I may come from different places, but he and I share the same vision, the same dream—that of making our Perswayssick County a safe and fair place where all can thrive! A safe and fair place—with a level playing field where all of us citizens have equal opportunity and are free to follow our dreams! So, again, I humbly ask for your vote next WetNoodlesday! Thank you!

SFX: [Applause]

DI: Dat vas a vunderful speech, Nicki!

IS: It sure vas, Nicki!

F: It even sounded good to Zig an’ me, all the way out there on Dorothy’s fruit stand!

G: Speak for yourself, Fleaglossitty! Now, Ig, I wanna know, how in Bogelthorpe’s name are ya gonna keep all them promises ya made to our snitizens? Makin’ all them promises is quarantined to backfire on ya! How ya gonna even get the funding for these dopey projects? Ah. Hah, hah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins]

F: Well, Zig, looks like ya jus’ sneezed out five bucks worth of dimes there. So, I’ll buy a whole lotta pepper an’ sure ’nuff, Nicki will be able to fund all them projects!

G: Ain’t funny, Fleaglossitty! An’ look how the Ig changed the lousy speech I left for her!

N: Diroctor Gneeecey, I will get the funding. And you really expected me to go up on that stage and say, “Concernin’ my following Grate Gizzy Gneeecey’s metaphorical rise to power, I’m hapoopy to serve now in his place, wit’ all due disrespect. So, I thereforthically pledge, yeah-an’-a-half, to continue to conservate vowels an’ consonants, in order to bring more eckookoonomical an’ alphoophabetical equality an’ justice to our fair county! It’s a new stinkin’ day! I promise youse two pots in every garage an’ two garages in every pot! An’ driver’s licenses for chickens!”

G: Sounds fine to me, ya Ig!

DI: Oh look, dey are interviewing people as dey exit dee polls!

NURSE MAUDLYN: I am a hardworking nurse. I work shifts around the clock at Florence Ferguson Memorial and Holy Krapp, and I am also a homecare medical professional. I voted for The Surprise Party! And so did my sisters!

IS: I vunder how many of her sisters voted as vell—you know, her doubles dat she continually creates using dat Dimeosacion substance dat she and dat Doctor Frombilagonga grow and process! 

G: We’ll defoofinitely be lookin’ into votin’ irregoogularities! I don’t like the stink of this!

IS: And dere is Mary Shisskey!

MARY SHISSKEY: My husband Burt and I own and operate Shisskey’s Bakery on Murgatroyd Avenue. We recently expanded and serve meals, too. We work hard! We’ve known Nicki Rodriguez since she arrived here in Perswayssick County. She’s a hard worker, and she’s honest, too! We’re confident that she’ll ensure we all have a fair shake! She has a plan! As for that Surprise Party—they’ve never said what they’d do to improve life around here! And who exactly is running against her? The Surprise Party has never come forth and identified its members!

N: Mary tells it like it is! And I happen to know that STEM—Sulak the Evil Clown of Bathrooms, his rotten nine-foot-tall three-armed, three-legged clown pal Three, and Diroctor Gneeecey’s wicked lookalike from Planet HyenaZitania, Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay, and the alien gangster Markmen are The Surprise Party! And, oh, look—there’s Professor Wallbang!

PROFESSOR WILLARD WALLBANG: As proprietor and headmaster of the esteemed Perswayssick Superhero Academy, all I shall venture to state is that nefarious influences abound.

REDHEADED BROKEN-NOSED MARK (DOROTHY): Dis is Dorothy, from da Perswayssick Girls Club. I proudly cast my vote for da Surprise Party. Got lotsa friends there, an’ besides, I always love a good party.

N: Ugh…so far, Mary Shisskey’s the only one who came out for us.

DI: Vell, no vun polled us, right, Ingabore?

IS: Dat’s right, Alexandra! 

G: An’ no-stinkin’-body counted the votes casted in terlits like my high-tech Electric Water Cyclone 3,000!

F: I hope I hit the “vote button” before I pressed “flush,” Zig!

G: I hope ya did too, Fleaglossitty! An’ speakin’ of stuff, Ig, when ya win—an’ ya better—ya don’t get no special privileges as Grate Gizzy! No perks come wit’ these government jobs! An’ remember, I’m still Quality of Life Commissioner…an’ y’know, I need a new limo—got my eye on this sleek silver thirty-six-door beauty wit’ two built-in wet bars an’—

SFX: [Large Shatter Window]

TV ANNOUNCER: Breaking news now! We interrupt our election coverage to bring you more election coverage! With ninety-five percent of precincts reporting, this election for Grate Gizzy is too close to call! It’s a real nail-biter! Back to our regular GAS-TV Channel three-and-a-half election coverage, already in progress!

N, F, DI, & IS [in unison]: Nooooo!

G: Oh, stinkin’ noooo! Ig, we’re gonna lose everything! Ya shoulda made that lousy speech I gave ya—word for word!

SFX: [Comical Scary Clown Laugh] [Evil Clown Laugh 6]

N: Oh no—what’s that? Sounds like it’s right outside!

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger]

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###