Everything's Fine: Van Pooop Lane Chronicles, Pt. 4

“Everything’s Fine: Van Pooop Lane Chronicles, Pt. 4” – Episode 93

Nicki and her canine-humanoid companion “Sooperflea” think they’re escaping from rotten Nurse Maudlyn’s laboratory, but, surprise, surprise…she’s on the other side of the door. And she carries them outside but drops them when she spots her heartthrob, roguish Doctor Frombilagonga. His offhand, callous manner angers her, and she goes about damaging his car with an axe she just happened to be carrying.

Doctor Frombilagonga converses with one of the fifty policemen on the scene. Looks like the evil Markmen have infiltrated the Perswayssick County police force. The creepy doctor indicates to Officer Redheaded Broken-nosed Mark that he can secure the premises, and he also reminds the waxy-skinned alien that he has something that can help him and his brothers become twice as productive.

Gneeecey and his double show up, followed by Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas and his therapist Ingabore Scriblig, AKA “Grandma.” And it’s a real party when Nurse Maudlyn’s double shows up! The two begin fighting, and as Nurse Maudlyn’s blood pressure rises, she rises.

We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sandi Solá, Sal Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean and Sammie for being generous supporting members via BuyMeACoffee.com! We appreciate their sponsorship and support more than words can say! 

https://buymeacoffee.com/Perswayssick (Please support us with a one-time gift or monthly sponsorship amount—various levels available—to help keep us coming to you via BuyMeACoffee.com! We’ll shout you out during our podcast episodes and in our show notes here, plus supply you with more fun perks!)  

https://www.amazon.com/Vicki-Sola/e/B07J29RVMQ (Amazon Author Page, check out our Gneeecey/Nicki e-books and paperbacks!)

https://www.nfreads.com/interview-with-author-vicki-sola/ (Interview with Vicki Solá)

https://perswayssickradio.buzzsprout.com (right here, our Buzzsprout website w/episodes & transcripts!)   

And many thanks to disproportionately cool artist Jay Hudson for our podcast logo! https://yojayhudson.com/

This Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy podcast is made possible in part by a generous grant from The Ardelle Institute, providing Executive Coaching for aspiring and established professionals who want to develop their careers, including upwardly-mobile executives, professionals who may be in between jobs and college graduates transitioning to the workforce. The Ardelle Institute helps with resumes, cover letters, LinkedIn profiles, interview skills, and effective job search strategies.  For more information, please call (201) 394-6939, that's (201) 394-6939, or visit them on the web at ardelle-institute.com, that's A-R-D-E-L-L-E dash institute dot com. Take it from me, Gneeecey!

Transcript

Transcript / Everything’s Fine: Van Pooop Lane Chronicles, Pt. 4 – Episode 93, written by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. 

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Laboratory Bubbles]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Our previous episode, “A Deadly Leak: Van Pooop Lane Chronicles, Part Three,” found Nicki and her canine-humanoid companion “Sooperflea,” also known as Flea, still trapped inside Nurse Maudlyn’s laboratory, below ground. The evil nurse had locked the two in her manure-filled garden shed before going off to work a twelve-hour shift at Florence Ferguson Memorial Hospital. 

Their plan to use their powers to escape backfired—they ended up plummeting several levels down. Down there, Flea confides to Nicki that he and pal “Zig” Gneeecey’s doctor, Alexandra C. Idnas, both think that the medicine, dimeosacion, that Doctor Frombilagonga prescribed her, Gneeecey, and himself during their horrible stay at Florence Ferguson Memorial and administered by Nurse Maudlyn herself caused their doubles—their shadow selves—to manifest physically. And Nicki agrees. She believes they’re trapped in a place that processes the omnipresent weird yellow weeds into dimeosacion. She also concludes that Nurse Maudlyn and creepy Doctor Frombilagonga must be working together. 

Speaking of those two, Doctor Frombilagonga calls Nurse Maudlyn into his office to inform her that her laboratory has been compromised. 

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Ambience Hospital] 

DOCTOR GONGILAFROMBA FROMBILAGONGA: Nurse Maudlyn, may I see you for a moment?

NURSE MAUDLYN: Oh, why, of course, Doctor Frombilagonga!

DG: Please, privately. Een my office here.

NM: Why, yes, certainly!

SFX: [Door Open]

NM: Aren’t you going to close the door?

DF: No. I have asked you here to inform you dat I have received an alert dat your “secure” laboratory has been compromised.

NM: You mean, our laboratory!

DF: Your laboratory. Somevun has gained entry, but luckily dey are unable to leave, tanks to dee multi-level safeguards een place.

NM: We’d better get down there!

DF: No, you’d better get down dere. But as you are nearing dee end of your shift, you vill complete eet and den investigate. Dee intruder or intruders cannot escape. Be on your vay, please—and be more careful next time.

SFX: [Door Slam] [Magic Spell] [Laboratory Bubbles]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: And so, disappointed once more by the object of her affections, Nurse Maudlyn takes out her frustrations on her patients….

Meanwhile, in Doctor Idnas and therapist Ingabore Scriblig’s office, the two Gneeeceys—Gneeecey and his shadow-side double—won’t stop fighting. The usually reliable Nicki and Sooperflea were due hours ago to return and pick up the two canine-humanoids. 

SFX: [Two “Zig” Gneeeceys Fighting] [Phone Ringing]

INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Alexandra, ees dat dee phone? I can just about hear it over all dis fighting!

DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Yah, Ingabore. I vill get eet. I’m hoping eet’s dee police calling back, vit some information. Hallo? Ah, Officer Imbroglio…yah, no, nothing’s wrong here…just a couple of noisy patients. Have you found out anyting yet about vhere Nicki and Sooperflea might be? Yah…. Really? Oh my goodness! Tank you so much! Please keep us posted and let me know eef vee can halp een any vay!

IS: Vhat did he say, Alexandra?

DI: He said dat dey spotted Nicki and Flea’s purple and orange ’75 Blimmbutt parked on dee corner of Mayhem Terrace and Van Pooop Lane. But no sign of dem! And dat dere has been some kind of break-in at Six Six Six Van Pooop Lane!

G & G2: [in unison]: Whaaat? 

SFX: [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking] 

DI: Diroctor Gneeecey—and Diroctor Gneeecey! You two come back here right now!

IS: Yah! Immediately!

G & G2: [in unison]: Noooooo!

SFX: [Door Slam] [Magic Spell] [Laboratory Bubbles]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Back in the laboratory, which Flea had wished was a lavatory, he unwittingly causes another disaster….

[Magic Spell] [Laboratory Bubbles]

“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Oh, Nicki…. I’m sorry for the indelicacy, but my bladder is so full…I can’t jus’ hold it no more….

NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Flea, maybe there’s a place around here that you can, uh, discreetly find somewhere to relieve yourself.

F: Yep…I’m gonna go over there to one of them weird potted yellow plants…. I’m sorry, Nicki….

N: No apologies needed, Flea, ever. I wish I could give you more privacy. I’ll turn around and, y’know, face the other way. 

F: Thanks, Nicki. 

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Explosion]

N: Flea! Are you all right?

F: Uh…too soon to tell….

N: Flea!

F: I don’t know how I missed seein’ that sign over there that says. “Danger: Ammonia Strictly Prohibited”!

SFX: [Barbecue Sizzle] [Fire Alarm]

N & F: [Coughing] 

N: It’s set off some kind of chemical reaction!

F: We gotta get outta here while we still can! 

N: Over there—by that door that wouldn’t open—there’s a small screen and a panel with buttons!

F: If we can figure out what to punch in, we can get that door to open—while we can still breathe!

N: Okay. It wants us to type in a username. 

F: Let’s try “Nurse Maudlyn”! SFX: [Electronic Cash Register] Bingo! Now it’s asking for a password…hmmm…lessee…I’m sure she’s in love wit’ that Doctor Frombilagonga…let’s put in his name! SFX: [Electronic Cash Register] Nope…oh, boy….

N: Try his first name. Gongilafromba—that’s G-O-N-G-I-L-A-F-R-O-M-B-A!

SFX: [Electronic Cash Register] [Electronic Button]

N & F [in unison]: Bingo! 

SFX: [Closing] [Metal Door Opening]

NM: Bingo! Gotcha! 

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]

NM: You two are coming with me! Right now!

F: No, we ain’t! 

N & F [in unison]: Hey!

F: Put us down! Put us down!

N: Yeah! Put us down!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]

NM: Put a sock in it, you two! 

SFX: [Emergency Scene] [Police Sirens] [Ambulance Sirens] [Fire Engine Sirens]

N: Wow! What’s going on out here?

F: Amazing, what a few drops of ammonia can do!

NM: They are here because of you two! Oh, I see his car!

F: Whose car?

NM: His car! And he just parked! Here he comes now! 

N & F [in unison]: Ow! 

F: She just dropped us!

NM: Oh, why Doctor Frombilagonga! 

DF: Nurse Maudlyn.

NM: I didn’t know you cared!

DF: I don’t. I merely came down here to speak vit my friends from dee Persvayssick Police Department so dat I can, uh, you know, retain control of dee situation.

NM: I agree, Gongilafromba!

DF: Dat ees Doctor Frombilagonga to you. How many times do I have to remind you? Are you stupid or something?

NM: Well! I may just take that better-paying supervisory position at Holy Krapp Hospital!

SFX: [Scary Ambience]

N: Look, Flea—these cops are all Markmen—those evil aliens with the amber-tinged, waxy skin and weird-colored eyeballs! There must be fifty of ’em here!

F: Yeah, Nicki! They’ve infiltrated our police department! Looks like he’s talkin’ to Redheaded Broken-nosed Mark there. They were keepin’ a low profile….

N: Until now….

POLICE OFFICER MARK: Heya, Doc, ya want us to go inside an’ have a look?  Y’know, secure the place for ya? Neighbors reported hearin’, y’know, some explosions.

DF: No, Officer Mark, I vill take eet from here. Everytin’s fine. And don’t forget vhat vee talked about. You know, my plan a vay to help you and your Markmen brothers.

M: Thanks, Doc. It’ll be a real easy way for there to be twice as many of us…heh, heh… We can get twice as muh done an’, y’know, go twice as many places! Heh, heh, heh….

N: Look, Flea! Nurse Maudlyn has climbed up on top of Doctor Frombilagonga’s car—

F: —wit’ an axe! An’, Holy Saint Bogelthorpe—she’s—she’s—

SFX: [Glass Shatter] [Crash Metal] [Bang] [Metal Crash 1]

M: Heya Doc, ya want us to, y’know, go take care of that woman who’s bustin’ up your car there?

DF: No, Mark. Let her be. Let her take out her aggressions on dee car dere.. 

M: Ya sure? We’ll be happy to—

DF: Eet’s okay. Dee vehicle belongs to vun of my girlfriends. No vurries, I vill know nothing about eet. Everyting ees fine.

SFX: [Glass Shatter] [Crash Metal] [Bang] [Metal Crash 1]

M: Okay, Doc, if you say so. C’mon, guys—let’s go! We’re done here!

DF: Vould you guys mind giving me a ride back to dee hospital?

M: No problem, Doc. Hop right in!

SFX: [Emergency Scene fades out] [Car Engine] 

F: Looks like Nurse Maudlyn is finished destroyin’ Frombilagonga’s car. She’s climbin’ down. An’ looky—there’s that “other her” she was talkin’ to earlier!

N: And that double is marching toward her! 

F: They both look really mad!

NM: You brainless fool—well, maybe I’m the stupid one! I left you here in charge while I was working my shift at the hospital! And you, you idiot—you let all this happen!

NM2: Well, maybe you didn’t secure those two properly—you idiot!

NM: I did, and you know it, my other me! And now, because of you, Gongilafromba has lost all confidence in me! And because of you, I’ve totally destroyed his car!

NM2: Does that really look like a car he’d drive? I’ll bet it belongs to someone else—another woman! He doesn’t care about you! He never did, and he never will! You’re a fool!

NM: How dare you? I can eliminate you and make another me, just like that!

NM2: And I can do the same—just like that!

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Hey, looky! There’s two of them stooopid Nurse Maudlyns! 

G2: Yeah! Stinkin’ two of ’em! Fightin’ wit’ each other, like we always do!

DI: Diroctor Gneeecey—and Diroctor Gneeecey—you both come back here right now! Dis minute!

IS: Yah! Immediately!

G & G2 [in unison]: Noooooo! SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]

G: An’ there’s the Ig! An’ Fleaglossitty!

NM: Oh, so you two want trouble too?

G & G2 [in unison]: Yoooou owe us mon-ney!

NM2: I’m outta here!

NM: You’re going to leave me here outnumbered? 

NM2: I sure am! When the going gets tough, the tough get going! Bye!

SFX: [TwistPopScrunch Balloon]

NM: I feel my blood pressure rising to a dangerously high point!

N: Look! She’s blowing up!

DI: Yah, she ees!

G & G2 [in unison]: Like a balloon!

IS: And she ees rising off dee ground!

G: Quick! Before she gets away! We gotta jump up an’ bite her!

SFX: [Snap Rubber]

F: Look at them two canine-humanoids—revertin’ to dog behavior! Embarrassin’ an’ disgustin’!

SFX: [Snap Rubber] 

G: We popped her! Jus’ lie a stinkin’ balloon!

SFX: [Rustling Papers]

G: An’ looky—all this cash flew outta her!

G2: My zillion-dollar bills!

G: Stinkin’ noooo! My zillion-dollar bills!

G & G2 [in unison]: No! Mine! No! Mine!

SFX: [Two “Zig” Gneeeceys Fighting]  

IS: Stop eet! Stop eet!

DI: Yah, stop eet, you two!

G: Stinkin’ awright, But jus’ for a little while. Let’s count this mon-ney. 

G2: Stinkin’ awright…whatever….

SFX: [Rustling Papers] [Magic Spell]

G: Hey! We both counted it twice, an’ there’s only one-zillion dollars here!

G2: Yeah! There’s supposed to be two zillion! That’s how much we had stashed away in Yammicles! Half the lousy mon-ney’s missin’!

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger]

G: I bet that other her has it! That Nurse Maudlyn that ran away!

G2: Yeah! Ya know, my other self, I kinda admire ya, but at the same time feel threatened by your excellence.

G: Well, keep feelin’ threatened ’cause yooou stink!

G2: Oh yeah? Yoooou stink!

G: Y’know, stinkin’ might not be such a bad thing!

G2: You’re right!

G & G2 [in unison]: Weeee stink!

DI: Vell, at least dey agree on dat!

G: Yeah, my other self! High-five me!

G2: Sure thing, buddy!

SFX: [Laser] [Closing]

G: I’m back into myself! I’m one me again! But I’m so sore all over!

F: That’s ’cause you been beatin’ uo on yourself all this time. I felt the same way after my shadow side merged back into myself.

DI: Vhat I vant to know, Diroctor Gneeecey, ees, how did you know to come here? Vas eet dat you vere vurried vhen you heard dat your friends Nicki and Flea’s purple and orange ’75 Blimmbutt vas parked on dee corner of Mayhem Terrace and Van Pooop Lane, but dere vas no sign of dem?  

G: Nah. They’re kinda my friends, but I got real, real interesticated when you said there was a break-in here at Six Six Six Van Pooop Lane.

IS: Diroctor Gneeecey, vee don’t understand….

G: Well, that address rung a bell in my head ’cause they ordered lotsa food—y’know, deliveries from my Gneeezle’s Restaurant, an’ their credit card turned out to be no good.

F: Couldn’t ya tell at the time they ordered? Y’know, before ya delivered the food?

G: My dopey delivery mouse Altitude messed up an’ delivered all the lousy junk to them wit’out puttin’ the card through first. Left it for me to do, stinkin’ after. An’ when I finally got to it, the lousy card was declined. An’ that lazy dope Altitude didn’t take no phone number neitherwise. Every time I sent him back there, no one answered the lousy door.

N: How much do they owe you?

G: Well, Ig—

N: Uh, that would be Nicki—

G: Well, Ig, evoovidently, it’s that Nurse Maudlyn. An’ she ordered tenbowls of simmered ice block soup, twenny jackass patties, medium-rare wit’ grilled cross-eyed cheese an’ them expensive squirts of zurt on the side, twenny-five goonafish seaweed melts, five cases of cold Slog wit’ extra pulp, eighteen snack bags of Freak O’ Nature Rindom Doodles, ten gooosey cakes, fifteen sloggenberry pies wit’ double-scoops of chicken-flavored ice cream on top, an’ forty jumbo cups of blue cheese pudding sprinkled wit’ pie. That’s at least a half-zillion dollars she owes me—plus the other zillion bucks that were stashed inside my teddy bear Yammicles!

SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com. 

 And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###