Transcript / “Gneeecey & Perswayssick Players Present: 'Altitude, a Mouse for Some Seasons,'” Episode 21, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2021 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey!
And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
Hey there, Nicki Rodriguez here, bringing you yet another special presentation this week—another holiday event taking place at the iconic Perswayssick Civic Auditorium. Again, I’m assisting with simulcasting this segment for my employer Gneeecey’s GAS-TV Channel 3½, and his GAS-AM and GAS-FM radio stations.
Before we get started, my alter ego Vicki and I thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., and Toni Aponte for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com! Now let’s join our live audience!
SFX: [Magic Spell]
AUTUMN RAINES: Greetings, everyone! GAS producer Autumn Raines here! Tonight, our very own Diroctor Gneeeecey and the Perswayssick Players present “Altitude, A Mouse for Some Seasons”! And we at Diroctor Gneeecey’s GAS Broadcast Network have the pleasure of simulcasting this rather delightful, dramatic holiday performance!
SFX: [Audience Applause]
AR: It is, at this time, my distinct honor to introduce to you the President of the Board of Directors of our Perswayssick Players, who also happens to be our Perswayssick County’s Grate Gizzygalumpaggis, and our county’s Quality of Life Commissioner, and CEO and owner of our GAS Broadcast Network, plus owner of that oh, so yummy, Gneeezle’s Restaurant! And he’s a self-made zillionaire, as well! I present to you, the one and only Diroctor Bizzig Gneeecey! SFX: [Audience Applause]
GNEEECEY: Thanks, Autumn. Ya finally got it right this time. An’ thanks everyone for payin’ to be here tonight. Youse can all siddown now. To reward youse for comin’, we got some of them scrumpooptious Gneeezle’s Freak O’Nature snacks to give out to youse all as youse leave!
SFX: [Belch]
’Scuze me, heh, heh…them snacks are reeeal, reeeal tasty!
SFX: [Audience Applause]
Now, this is the story of my Gneeezle’s Restaurant delivery boy, Altitude, a wise guy of a overgrown mouse. Tonight, his part will be played by my favorite GAS intern Stu Pitt ’cause Altitude was too embarrassed to play himself. An’ you’ll see why. In fact, he’s left town.
Now, Stu ain’t really a mouse—he’s actually a donkey-humanoid, but he ain’t never too embarrassed to embarrass himself. The part of Bob Bearly will be played by Barely Bob, an’ the part of his daughter Betty Bearly will be played by Autumn Raines here, a proud participoocipatin’ member of our Perswayssick Players. She’s known for bein’ dramatical, ’specially when she tries to cover her mistakes. An’ I will be your narrator.
AR: [clears throat]
G: Ya stinkin’ know it’s true, Autumn.
AR: [clears throat again] And now, the curtain rises!
SFX: [Audience Applause] [Kazoo Flourish]
G: Hope youse all liked that beaudiful music. Youse ever wonder, y’know, in all them Earth movies ’bout ancient times, how they got all them different notes outta them long strange horns that looked like stems an’ didn’t have no valves to, y’know, press down? These guys were actually usin’ kazoos! Like I jus’ played for youse now on my concert kazoo! Anyways, let’s start the dramaticalization of our story here. Our true story.
Now, ya see, Altitude had a whole lot of trouble landin’ his first gig, ’cause when fillin’ out job apooplications, he’d write down “mouse” in that blank where they want you to say what species you are—don’t all job apooplications have blanks for that?
Anyways, whenever prospective employers eyeballed Altitude, they’d promptly an’ rightfully, I’m afraid, take him for a dishonest rogue of a rodent, an’ they’d order him to vacate their premises, pronto. How could a apooplicant fill in “mouse” on a apooplication, then have the nerve to be over two feet tall?
Either the little rat was delibooberately misrepoopresentin’ his height—tryin’ to look taller so as not to get hired—or quite possiboobly underestimatin’ the prospective bosses’ intelligence, implying that their brains were smaller by implyin’ that he was larger but not as large as he seemed to be. In all truth, it was a little of each. Altitude was actually a quarter of an inch shorter than he looked, an’ the bosses who got maaad were usually a can or two short of a six-pack. Either way, no cigar.
Altitude did have a sudden reversal of fortune, though, but not luck. One day, rollin’ down the street, practicin’ bein’ round so he could apply for a job as a bowlin’ ball, he crashed into the crouchin’, shoe-tyin’ Bob Bearly, owner an’ boss of Barely Balconies. Although Altitude had barely jus’ met Bob, an’ therefore barely knew him, the sports-equipment-impersonatin’ rodent immediately regaled the huge grizzly bear wit’ his personal sob story, the one ’bout bein’ too-tall-for-a-rodent-to-be-hired-by-anyone.
Because the concussion from the chance meetin’ made him punchy, Bob Bearly barely listened, but listen he did. Kinda. An’ bein’ a rather large guy himself, although slightly cross-eyed, he could understaaand—once, in order to make a livin’, he hadda wear roller skates on his hands an’ feet, an’ glue large decals of a major corporation’s logo on his big furry rump, so he’d be a convincin’ cross-county movin’ van. Ya could hear his screams all the way down in the noisy part of New Buttzville after the job was done, an’ it was time to rip off all them stickers. So, Bob Bearly hired Altitude on the spot.
At first, since Altitude barely worked, an’ the Barely Balconies he an’ Bob built were in fact barely balconies, things went pretty well….
.... Until that fateful mornin’, while barely workin’ on Bob Bearly’s own Barely Balcony balcony, Altitude accidentally an’ repeatedly spied unauthorized glimpses of his boss’s daughter, Betty Bearly, when he accidentally pressed his annoyin’ pointy rodent nose, not to mention his beady eyes, against her bedroom window, ten thousand times.
Betty Bearly barely acknowledged Altitude’s miserable existence, which of course, made him want to get to know her all the more. Typical rat.
To make a baaad situation worse, Altitude pulled out an old four-stringed guitar that had never been tuned in its life an’ ran down under the Bearly’s barely built balcony an’ began serenadin’ her, like he was some kinda Romeo.
SFX: [Ukulele]
This was more than Betty Bearly could bear. “Dad!” she wailed as her father entered the room searchin’ for aspirin, “Make it stop! Pleeeeeease! Make it stop!”
“Make what stop, my little Betty?” he asked his daughter, who was two heads taller than him.
“Thaaaaaat down there! Can’choo heeeeear it?”
“I can barely hear myself, Betty Bearly!” Bob shouted. “Whaddaya want stopped, the mouse, or the ukulele?”
“Both, Daddy, both! An’ it’s a guitar, not a ukulele! Can’cha drop a brick on them or somethin’?”
Bob peered down at Altitude. “Nah. I might get caught. Then I’d lose my whole business plus everythin’ else I’ve worked so hard for—I’d go to jail. But, you’re right, Betty, they’re not very good entertainers—the mouse or the blasted ukulele!”
“Guitar, Daddy, guitar!”
“No, Betty, it’s a mouse an’ ukulele, not a guitar an’ ukulele. It’s not a guitar playin’ the ukulele, or the ukulele playin’ the guitar—it’s Altitude—can’cha see him?”
“No! I meant it’s a guitar Altitude’s playin’, not a ukulele!”
“Altitude’s playin’ a guitar? That don’t sound like music to me!”
“No, Dad,” agreed Betty.
“Whaddaya mean, no? Ya said it was a guitar an’ not a ukulele, an’ now I’m finally agreein’ wit’cha—ya got me convinced, yeah it ain’t a ukulele, it’s a guitar, an’ now you’re sayin’ ‘no’?”
“No! I’m sayin’ no, it doesn’t sound like music, I’m agreein’ wit’cha, an’ yeah, it’s a guitar an’ not a ukulele!”
“Whatever. They’re all flat!”
“Oh, Dad, you’ve gotta do somethin’!” Betty snatched up a giant pea-green Hatchoo Dynasty vase from the 15th Boingtang an’ prepared to hurl it through the window wit’ all her might.
“No, Betty, nooooooooooooooooo! Not our giant pea-green Hatchoo Dynasty vase that’s more than fifteen boingtangs old! Put it down! I’m savin’ it for a rainy day—it holds lots of water!”
“Well then, doooooooooooo somethin’ awready!” she shrieked, droppin’ the vase.
SFX: [Shattering Glass]
“Okay,” he replied, grabbin’ a broom an’ a dustpan to sweep up the ancient pieces. “Lemme see. It’s true, I ain’t payin’ him for this—this ain’t Vaudeville! It’s masonry!”
“I thought we lived in New Buttzville!”
“No, Betty, not for some time. I’ll tell you the story one day.”
“Did we live in Vaudeville too? Or Masonry? Maybe when I was little? Or maybe we went on vacation there? Or near there? When I was reeeeal little? Was it before Mom left to join the circus?”
Bob barely heard Betty. “Hmmmm,” he thought loudly to himself so as to drown out all the racket, “I got a hunch that this balcony I’m standin’ on don’t really appreciate Altitude’s music neitherwise. I feel it shakin’ under me.”
Altitude was still down there, caterwaulin’ an’ pluckin’ away, an’ by now, so enchanted wit’ his own sour strummin’ that he’d forgotten all ’bout Betty Bearly, an’ was fallin’ in love wit’ himself. Eyelids squeezed shut, a goofy smile spread across his grimy fuzz face.
“Hmmmmm, yeah,” mumbled Bob Bearly, still standin’ on the shiverin’ slab, his voice vibratin’. “I got a hunch I won’t hafta lift a single finger to stop that mouse’s music...this balcony’ll take care of it for me...somehow…yupperooney....”
To make a shockin’ short story even more shockin’ but not shorter, the Bearly’s balcony began convulsin’ to Altitude’s lopsided rhythms an’ tossin’ bits an’ pieces of itself at the oblivious rodent. SFX: [Falling Bricks] Concrete cracked an’ columns split—it was almost as if the Bearly’s balcony felt it worth sacrificin’ its very existence to stop the horrendous noise masqueradin’ as entertainment. Talk ’bout altruism. Or maybe the thing simply didn’t have a brain. We’ll never know. Balcony chunks jus’ kept rainin’ down on the hapless, talent-deprived troubadour.
Bob Bearly barely noticed. He jus’ stood, strokin’ his furry brown chin, mutterin’ somethin’ or other ’bout not havin’ to go to jail or lose his business, an’ never ever goin’ back to New Buttzville, not even the quiet part, an’ suggestin’ to Betty that she join the circus to go look for her mother.
SFX: [Wood Demolition Bang] [Explosion] [Falling Bricks]
Wit’ a thunderous thud, the Bearly’s entire balcony, wit’ Bob Bearly onboard, had ripped itself off the side of the brick mansion an’ plunged four stories down, landin’ on top of the still-oblivious Altitude an’ his still-playin’ guitar. Well, the guitar had finally stopped….
After a few minutes, Bob hauled his ponderous body up off the jagged remains of the balcony, dusted himself off an’ stumbled out into the middle of the road to read the letterin’ engraved on the back of Altitude’s projectile instrument’s torn-off neck. Its strings were still attached. “Look! It was a ukulele! Wait till I tell Betty I was right!”
“Dad! Oh my gosh! Are you alright?” Betty screamed as she waddled across the front yard to meet him.
“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” Father an’ daughter strolled into the house, arm-in-arm.
Needless to say, Bob Bearly fired Altitude on the spot (after he dug him out of all the rubble). An’ thankfully, since the Bearlys’ balcony had so battered Altitude’s thick noggin, he couldn’t even remember how not to not play a guitar anymore. Or a ukulele.
The giant rodent did manage to find another gig, several months later, workin’ in Broken-nose Tommy’s sploggle factory. (Sploggles are them plaaastic—sometimes, if you’re rich enough like meee, gold or platinum—devices that attach to the backs of toilet seats to, y’know, keep furry people’s tails high an’ dry.)
Anyways, things went awright for a few weeks, ’cause Broken-nose Tommy understood Altitude, for a while, anyways—Tommy’s nose had been busted years ago, once when a balcony jumped on him.
SFX: [Fail Horn]
SFX: [Audience Applause]
G: Now, wasn’t I the bestest stinkin’ narrator youse ever heard? I think I was the bestest dopey performer here tonight! C’mon, gimme that applause! Youse know I was the bestest tonight!
SFX: [Audience Applause]
AR: I must say, you did rather well tonight, Diroctor Gneeecey. You did have many, many big words to say!
G: Well, Autumn, you jus’ had a bit part an’ Stu Pitt didn’t even have no speakin’ parts! Jus’ hadda look stooopid like his name implies! Heh hah, heh haah! Gimme more applause, folks!
SFX: [Audience Applause]
AR: Oh dear, I’ve witnessed this calamitous scenario countless times before! Unfortunately, quite unfortunately, our Diroctor Gneeecey here is walking backward, right into the theater drapes—you know, the stage curtains, while bowing overly deeply…and—and—
SFX: [Fabric tear] [Bang] [Wood Demolition Bang] [Boing] [Duck Horn]
G: Ow! My lousy bimbus!
SFX: [Audience Laughter]
AR: I guess it is irrefutably true—pride does come before a fall!
G: I stinkin’ heard that!
SFX: [Fail Horn]
SFX: [Magic Spell]
Nicki Rodriguez here again! We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode of “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy!” And we thank you for listening. Please help us spread the word—please tell a friend about us! We appreciate every single download! And again, thank you, Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., and Toni Aponte, for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com!
Time now to turn it back over to my alter ego, Vicki. Until next time, be well and stay safe! We wish you and yours a 2022 filled with good health, peace, joy, and happy laughter!
SFX: [Magic Spell]
Music/Outro: Thanks, Nicki! Vicki here again. Thanks so much for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to subscribe and tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###