Transcript / “In His Pocket,” Episode 19, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2021 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey!
And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
Hey there, Nicki Rodriguez here! I’m still suffering from dimension burn caused by my accidental travels between Earth and zany, walking, talking dog Gneeecey’s Perswayssick County. I continue to remember incidents in bits and pieces. Today, I’m going to share what happened during a recent session I had with Gneeecey’s therapist Ingabore Scriblig, who prefers to be called Grandma, and Gneeecey’s longtime neurologist, Doctor Idnas. The two are now working together. But, first, my alter ego Vicki and I want to thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., and Toni Aponte for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com!
Now, here’s how that session went….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
DI: Now, Nicki, just relax. Grandma and I vill try to halp you deal vit dee anxiety caused by dealing vit’ Gneeecey and deese terrible memories dat keep resurfacing.
IS: Yah, like my colleague Doctor Idnas just said, vee are here to halp you.
N: Thank you, Doctor Idnas. And thank you, Grandma. It’s not easy living with and working for Gneeecey, plus having all these unpleasant memories constantly resurfacing. And I’m very concerned about this dimension burn…weak leg muscles, purplish skin, and impaired memory. Sometimes I feel downright stupid!
DI: Vee totally understand, Nicki.
IS: Dat’s right, Nicki, vee do. And you are not stupid!
DI: I do have heartening news for you, dat you now test negative for Redecoritis, you know, dee neurological disorder dat Gneeecey soffers from, making him tink dat trees and chairs and other inanimate objects are stalking and chasing him. It ees a real pity, how dis county’s toxic, substance mierk ees seriously impacting so many of our citizens’ lives!
IS: Yah, and Nicki, in addition, you’ve tested negative for ooglistis, dee Redecoritis-related speech infection dat Gneeecey also has.
N: Very good news, on both counts! I just long for my old life back on Earth. I’ve had enough of being trapped, over and over again, here in this Perswayssick County dimension—no offense to you both. You’ve been really great….
DI: Vee vary much understand, Nicki. Now, please tell us about dis latest resurfacing memory.
N: Okay, Doctor Idnas and Grandma. Here goes….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
SFX: [Car Engine] [Horns] My heart hammered out staccato rhythms as I strained to stretch my leg down to get my foot to the pedal.
Still couldn’t freakin’ reach it. Had to stop. Red light. Truck stopped in front of us, getting bigger and bigger.
I squeezed the old Splodge’s oversized steering wheel and screamed, “Holy crap!”
“Whassamatter, Ig?” inquired Gneeecey, sprawled in the passenger seat beside me, chewing gum noisily. SFX: [Dog Chewing Noises] “Ain’cha hapoopy we ain’t still straaanded in that other kooky universe?”
Purple dimension-burned face flushed—creating what I imagined to be an unearthly new shade of magenta—I slid so far down off the Splodge’s bench seat that I could barely see over the dash. I threw all of my weight onto the brakes.
SFX: [Brakes Screech]
They screeched with relief, almost as if they knew we were nanoseconds away from rear-ending the humongous brown Freak O’Nature Foods tractor-trailer idling in front of us. Its tailpipe spewed clouds of gray smoke that matched the day’s dreary skies.
“Ya rememboober, Ig, that dimension wit’ the other lousy meee? That jerk lookalike Ebegneeezer that followed us here?”
“I...I just don’t understand….”
Gneeecey’s shrieky voice rose at least three octaves. “Whaaat’s there to stinkin’ understaaand?”
“I...I didn’t have this problem even a few minutes ago. When we got back into the car, you know, after we left Shisskey’s Bakery….”
Gneeecey cracked his off-white, fur-covered knuckles. “I’m gonna fix that dopey extra-fingered, strobe-eyed imposter! That Ebegneeezer’s gonna find out that this here’s my lousy universe! Thinks he’s so stinkin’ sophistiphoosticated! Gonna kick him back to his Planet HyenaZitania!”
Perspiration chilled my upper lip. “I said, I didn’t have this problem before!”
“Whaaat probooblem?”
“What am I, shrinking or something?”
Gneeecey sat up straight. “Oh yeah, Ig. Forgot to tell ya. Sometimes ya experience body shrinkage wit’, y’know, dimension burn. Now, after that sugary cupcake, I want somethin’ salty. Why don’cha take me to—"
“What? You mean I’m gonna freakin’—”
SFX {Horns] Horns blared, drowning out the rest of my response as the light turned green. My feet swung several inches above the gas pedal.
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell]
Found myself sitting in the middle of a white—well, make that a grimy off-white— overgrown lawn. An itchy one. “Gneeecey,” I began, squirming as I stared up at the canine-humanoid from the center of his furry palm, “this is crazy!”
“Stop movin’ ’round, Ig,” he ordered. “You’re makin’ me all itchy. An’ that’s Diroctor Gneeecey—I’m a stinkin’ doctor an’ director of this here lousy Perswayssick County!”
I shouted through cupped hands, struggling to be heard. “Stinkin’ Diroctor Gneeecey—uh, Diroctor Gneeecey, I need your help! Now! Pleeease!”
He raised his arm until I found myself gazing straight into his wet, black, runny nostrils.
“Can’t hardly hear ya, Ig, which is weird for me, considerin’ my superior hearing abilities. Ya should see yourself! You’re the size of a matchstick! A puny one!”
Through stinging tears, I peered down at something green stuck to his fur, near the base of his thumb. He stared back through two shiny, bloodshot oval marbles. “Well, Ig, as long as you’re shrunk like this, you’re gonna hafta live in my pocket so’s I can keep an eye on ya. Y’know, protect ya.”
“Noooooooo!” I hollered as a flick of his wrist sent me tumbling into his lumpy, endless pit of a T-shirt pocket.
A warm wind rushed up around me, blowing my shoulder-length, blond-dyed hair upward. I couldn’t breathe.
“Don’cha worry, Ig,” Gneeecey assured me. “Every once in a while, I’ll toss sevooveral, y’know, crumbs down there for ya. In fac’, there’s proboobably some there now. Help yourself.”
My ear-popping free fall was broken by a soft, fluffy clump of something. Possibly lint. Hopefully lint.
I drew a deep breath. The air was stale but welcome.
SFX: [Click] Suddenly, a light flashed on, and I could see. “Heya, Ig,” Gneeecey shouted down to me, “forgotted that I had this here dollar store clip-on pocket light. Should help ya for a while. At least till its cheap battery dies.”
Nearby, a vertical brass tube made me squint. Had to be that trombone piece Gneeecey always carried in case he ever came across one missing that very same part.
Thanking my lucky stars (if I had any) that I hadn’t smashed into it face-first on my way down, I continued to survey my surroundings. A me-sized crumb...of something. His pocket plunger…the one he’d bought on sale at Squiggleman’s Hardware for the holidays. A broken ballpoint pen, leaking purple goop. Part of a banana peel...maybe. Stuck to some pizza...or something. A lumpy tower of hardened puke-pink Freak O’Nature bubble gum that resembled some avant-garde sculpture. Half a half-shattered wooden gavel. A chewed-up, striped health cigar butt….
And a pea-green spider, whose spindly, shifty legs began to move my way. The creature appeared to be smiling. My overworked heart lunged up into my throat.
“Gneeeeeecey!” I screamed with all my might, causing the grinning arachnid to disappear behind a massive morsel of moldy muffin…something that I wouldn’t eat unless I were…well… starving to death…which I almost was…. I shuddered.
SFX: [ Ringing Phone] That moment, a fist plunged into my new living space, just missing me. “Careful!” A flat orange rectangle beeped as it flew upward past my face, dislodging and knocking me all the way down to the bottom of Gneeecey’s pocket. Right into a half-used packet of ketchup. Half-used a long time ago….
I could feel Gneeecey’s body heat. My new environment had suddenly become quite humid and not-too-good-smelling. I groaned.
Gneeecey’s phone finally stopped ringing. “Yeah, whaaat is it?” he demanded, in athunderous voice that caused my tiny skull to vibrate. “Whaaat? Whaddaya mean?” His body trembled, rattling my world. “You’re stinkin’ tellin’ me that the other stinkin’ meee imposter is on his way to Knapsackville? The courthouse? Wearin’ sunglaaasses so nobody can’t see his creepy purpoople eye that lights up? An’ he’s gonna pass himself off as meee to try an’ take over my lousy Perswayssick County?”
He smacked his chest, just missing me.
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell]
My rumbling stomach woke me. Didn’t know how long I’d been out. Did know that it was the first time I’d ever slept inside anyone’s pocket.
Sore eyes darting about, I attempted to determine whether any of the crumbs and blobs in my new environment seemed larger in relation to my body than they had before.
Sure enough, they did. My heart sank. I was still shrinking.
Huddled beneath a clump of something fuzzy and grayish, I looked down to see a broken stitch. One that I could fall through.
As I clutched onto grimy aqua polyester for dear life, Gneeecey’s phone began wailing again. At least it sounded like wailing to my mini-eardrums. SFX: [ Ringing Phone] Down zoomed his furry fist. Again. Rocking my world once more, he fumbled around, finally locating his device.
“Stinkin’ what is it?” Gneeecey’s screeching pierced my eardrums. “Yeah. My delivery mouse ain’t drivin’ for a while. Traffic court judge jus’ regurgitated Altitude’s license again, for another whole six months. Dopey oversized rodent. Jumps real good but his drivin’ stinks. Almost as bad as my socks. So, I put him to work ironin’ my mon-ney.”
The way he pronounced the word “money” sounded so dorky.
SFX: [Belch] Gneeecey belched. Loudly. “Ain’t payin’ him to sit ’round doin’ stinkin’ nuthin’.”
A familiar, booming voice on the other end responded. SFX: [Scary Ambience] I couldn’t make out the words.
“Yeah,” continued Gneeecey. “Gotta stand right there an’ stupervise the lousy little rat when he’s ironin’ my mon-ney to make sure he don’t try an’ take none, y’know, when I’m makin’ believe I ain’t watchin’.”
The gravelly voice on the other end muttered something unintelligible.
“Yeah, Mark. For you an’ the guys. Don’t worry. I’ll be sendin’ Altitude ’round on his bicykookle till he can drive again.”
Mark? Not Blond Big-nosed Mark, the alien gangster…and his evil Markmen. Acid poured into my miniature stomach. Gneeecey owed them money. Lots of it. And he’d convinced them that I could give them coordinates on Earth where they could find all the precious mierk they’d ever need—the mucky, toxic glop they slathered on their invisible bodies to give themselves form.
“Yupperooney,” added Gneeecey, “an’ I got somethin’ of interest right here in my shirt pocket. This time, youse guys’ll get igzactly what youse need!”
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell]
DI: Vall, Nicki, vee certainly understand vhy you are vanting to return to your own vurld. I tink Grandma and I can offer you some coping mechanisms for dealing vit Gneeecey for dee duration of your time here in Persvayssick County, however long dat vill be. He ees certainly a self-centered, self-serving individual vit little empathy for anyvun but himself.
IS: Yah, Nicki. Vee certainly do understand.
SFX: [Door Open]
G: An’ I certaintaneously stinkin’ heard everything youse all said! I been hidin’ here in Graaandma’s closet, listenin’! That Ig’s trynna ruin my repooputation!
IS: You’re pretty good at doing dat yourself, Diroctor Gneeecey.
G: Thaaanks! Youse did also compoopliment me though when youse said I’m a self-centered, self-serving individual, wit’ no empoopathy for anyone else! If I don’t look after me, who will? Hah?
IS: Now, vhat are you doing here?
DI: Yah, vhat are you doing here?
N: Yeah, what are you doing here?
G: I stinkin’ told ya, hidin’ in the closet an’ listenin’.
DI: Dis is Nicki’s session, not yours.
G: It’s my stinkin’ session if she’s talkin’ ’bout me! Now, Graaandma an’ Doctor Idnas, after this, I proboobably can’t really trust youse two no more. What do youse two know anyways? Got a intelligentness test for youse. What two things can you never eat for breakfast?
IS: Vhat?
G: Sheesh. Lunch an’ dinner! Youse both failed, miseraboobly.
DI: Vhat does dat have to do vit anyting vee are discussing?
G: Looky, don’t brush a gift horse’s teeth—I’ve just given youse a gift of information that will help youse function in life—but like most gifts, it ain’t free. I’ll be sendin’ youse a bill for my services. An’ remember, Ig, as long as you’re livin’ in my Perswayssick County, you’re in my pocket! Heh hah, heh haah! An’ I don’t have a speech impedipoodiment! Guh-bye, alla youse!
DI: Nicki, you are looking at Diroctor Gneeeecey radder intently!
IS: Yah! Nicki, are you alright?
DI: Grandma, I do not tink she is processing our inquiries.
IS: She is completely motionless, staring vide-eyed at Diroctor Gneeecey.
DI: And he ees just standing dere, staring back.
SFX: [Nicki’s Powers]
[Boing] [Duck Horn]
DI: Vow! Simply incredible!
IS: Yah! Dat dimension burn must’ve given Nicki super powers!
G: Stinkin’ ow! Some gigaaantical force jus’ made me fall on my lousy bimbus!
DI: Sounds like instant karma!
IS: Yah! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha! Boompity-boomp!
G: We ain’t discussin’ automobiles, an’ I ain’t your mom! An’ it ain’t funny!
[Fail Horn]
SFX: [Magic Spell]
Nicki Rodriguez here again! This time around, Grandma and Doctor Idnas didn’t have to ask Gneeecey what he learned! Thank you so much for listening to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy!” Please help us spread the word—please let a friend know about us! We appreciate every single download! We’re trying to bring some much-needed light and laughter to this sparkling blue planet. And again, thank you, Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., and Toni Aponte, for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com!
Time now to turn it back over to my alter ego, Vicki. Until next time, be well and stay safe!
SFX: [Magic Spell]
Music/Outro: Thanks, Nicki! Vicki here again. Thanks so much for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to subscribe and tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###