Transcript / “Ain’t No Place Like Home,” Episode 18, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2021 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey!
And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
Hey there, Nicki Rodriguez here! Due to dimension burn caused by my accidental travels between Earth and the zany, walking, talking dog Gneeecey’s Perswayssick County, my memory is like Swiss Cheese—full of holes. I’m still recalling things in bits and pieces. Yet another recollection has resurfaced, and I’m looking forward to sharing it with you. First, my alter ego Vicki and I want to thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., and Toni Aponte for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com!
Now, Gneeecey had just surprised me by showing up in my dimension—skipping down the stairs of my basement apartment in the wee hours. He informed me that he had to stay with me for a while due to his own dimension burn. He also came to retrieve a thousand-dollar bill that he’d stuffed inside his teddy bear Yammicles. The following morning, the white-and-black elbow-high canine-humanoid leader of Perswayssick County somehow hypnotized my landlord Rico Rosado into seeing him as a regular human—named Jack Russell. I knew it would be a mistake to leave Gneeecey alone in my apartment all day, but I had no choice. I had to go to work. Here’s what I came back to….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
SFX: [Screeching Brakes] My vintage red Mustang’s brakes howled bloody murder as I stopped short, giving myself whiplash. I peered up the steep driveway at the grayish wreck of a vehicle that littered my parking spot. Its engine was idling, and black smoke poured from its rusty, half-fallen tailpipe. And its tires appeared to be flat—that is, all three of them.
I lunged out of my car and tore up the pavement toward the side entrance, nearly spraining my ankle in a greasy pothole. Freakin’ door was wide open.
“Gneeecey! Gneeecey!” I hollered, rushing inside, gulping for air. “Where are you?”
I was met with ear-shattering silence…. That is, until Gneeecey’s shrill voice suddenly screeched from the next room, “Yeah? Really? It’s springtime on this side of your plaaanet!”
I flew down the staircase. “Someone there with you, Gneeecey? Gneeecey! Answer me!”
“That’s Diroctor Gneeecey,” the canine-humanoid informed me, traipsing into view. “An’ ya jus’ interrupticated my stinkin’ phone conversation. I was talkin’ to someone.”
“Who? Where?”
“I dunno. None of your business, really. Think I dialed a wrong number. I used your landline, so don’t worry, you’ll find all that out when ya get the bill. We talked for a coupla hours—till you came an’ started yellin’.”
“You just wait a minute here.”
“The guy, whoever he was, lives in a priddy interesticatin’ country, upside-down somewheres on the other side of your plaaanet. Either Australia or Antarctica. Started wit’ a A. Couldn’t even understand half of what he was sayin’—coulda been a penguin. Their language is kinda hard to understaaand.”
Blood pressure rising, I scooped the day’s mail, mostly bills, of course, off the wooden ledge. Gneeecey would pay for that long-distance call, one way or another.
“Okay, Diroctor, now, whose, uh, car is out there on the driveway…parked in my space? And why did you hang up on me? The bad guys! I saw one of ’em! They did follow you here!”
SFX: [Scary Ambience]
A pair of vividly colored eyeballs had floated past me at work, scaring the daylights out of me. When I phoned Gneeecey to tell him that the Markmen—alien gangsters whom he owed lots of money—had indeed followed him to my dimension, he’d hung up on me. Said he was too busy watching TV. The murderous Markmen creeps’ bodies were invisible—until they slathered Perswayssick County’s toxic, goopy mierk all over themselves. Thanks to Gneeecey, they were under the false impression that I had access to coordinates on Earth where they could find an endless supply of mierk.
“And,” I continued, “how dare you use my cell phone to take that stupid selfie of yourself on the freakin’ toilet and then send it to my boss and his bosses? You say you hypnotize Earthlings whenever you visit this dimension? Well, you sure didn’t hypnotize them!”
“Questions, questions, Ig. So many questions. Slow down, for Bogelthorpe’s stinkin’ sake, stinkin’ slow down!”
As my bleary eyes settled on him, the rest of my kitchen came into focus. Looked like a sewer had exploded. Dark liquid, splattered all over, dripped down my glossy white cabinet doors onto the matching countertops. The double sink was piled high on both sides with every pot and pan I owned. Large brown blobs, what looked like coffee grounds, gooped-up funnels, measuring cups, and utensils littered the floor, along with a half-dozen torn-up boxes of my store brand flavored gelatin. Even the cat-with-the-wagging-tail clock hanging up on the brick wall seemed to frown down upon the mess.
I gasped. “What the…”
“Hadda make me some decent coffee, Ig. Ya don’t want me to get a stinkin’ headache, do ya?”
“You…you did what?”
“Made summa that orange an’ lemon-flavored blobby stuff an’ mixed it wit’ your coffee. Y’know, that coffee in that big yellow can that’cha had hidden high up in that caboobinet behind lotsa other stuff, but I found anyway? Hadda borrow Rico’s ladder to stinkin’ get to it. Oh, an’ by the way, he fixed your stooopid shower. I helped him.”
I threw my mail at the table. SFX: [Rustling Papers] “Not my good coffee!”
“Yup, Ig. Used up all of it. Only thing missin’ was rindom extract. Couldn’t find none in this lousy dimension of yours. Coffee didn’t even come out bitter. Ain’t like my Merk Perk back home.” He held up a humongous mug, filled to the brim with jigglin’ joe. “But’cha know, Ig, it didn’t come out thaaat bad, if I say so myself. It’s kinda firm--ya can still eat it wit’ a knife an’ fork.”
Mumbling words that most likely weren’t real, I plopped into the only clean chair in the room.
“An’ ya know what else, Ig? I made dinner, too. Mastered, whaddayacallit, ethnic cookin’, in jus’ one afternoon!”
“Huh?” I was too exhausted to even tell him not to call me Ig.
“Cooked us rice an’ beans! Well, I cooked the beans. All I hadda do was dump five of them gigaaantical cans into a coupla them there big pots. Won’t hafta cook for days!” He pointed to the stove.
I bolted upright. “Five cans?”
“Yeah, they all smelt sooo good goin’ into them pots that I kept openin’ ’em an’ pourin’ ’em in! Was kinda surprised that I even liked any of your Earth stuff!”
Slumping, I cradled my aching head in my hands.
“Didn’t cook the rice, though. Woulda got soft if I prepooparated it like they said on the package.”
“Yeah,” I growled. “I forgot. Where you’re from, everyone eats screws and bolts.”
“Yeah. An’ tire gauges, too, Ig. Covered in green algae, with a side of stewed athletic socks. An’ ya know what else?”
“No. What else?”
Gneeecey grinned. “I fixed your TV so it gets “Oprah” reruns. All day long. In fact, it don’t get nuthin’ else! An’ I meant to ask ya, how come whenever there’s a commercial for products, y’know, for dirty an’ smelly stuff, they always show dogs in ’em?”
I leaped to my feet. I loved Oprah, could watch her all day long, every day. That is, if I had time to do anything but work. But it was the principle. “You messed with my TV?”
“Oh, an’ Ig, before I forget, some weird guy named Carlos called.”
My eyes widened. “What?”
“Asked if he could pick ya up at seven-thirty tonight, insteada seven. I tol’ him ya hadda cancel. That ya had other more important plans. Ya didn’t have no time for him tonight.”
I took a step toward Gneeecey. “You what? How dare you?”
“He seemed kinda maaad an’ asked who I was but I didn’t tell him ’cause I figured it wasn’t none of his stinkin’ business. An’ I crossed your salsa dancin’ lessons off of your calendar for tomorrow night…actually, for the resta this month.”
Fists clenched, I took another step toward him. “I’ll say it again. How dare you?”
“Heh hah, heh haah! Easy, Ig, easy! I need ya tonight, to take me to your dopey motor vehicles office to get license plates an’ junk for my new car. An’ tomorrow night, ya gotta take me to.…”
“Your new car?”
“Well, it’s new to me. That beaudiful automobile sittin’ out there on the driveway! Was lucky to find one in pastel black. Such a priddy color! An’ it ain’t shiny, won’t hurt nobody’s eyes when that dopey Earth sun of yours shines!”
My jaw dropped. “And, by the way, it’s still out there, uh, running.”
“Oh, yeah—reminds me, after motor vehicles, ya gotta take me to that auto store up the street. Gotta ask ’em ’bout the fallin’ apart exhaust system’s probooblem wit’ carbon trioxide. I’m jus’ lettin’ it run now to try an’ clean it out.”
“You bought a car while I was at work?”
“Yup, Ig. Gotta get around while I’m livin’ here wit’ you, which might be quite a while.”
I felt lightheaded. “You…you…”
“Rico’s friend’s uncle-in-law’s brother’s cousin’s dad had this lovely vehicle for sale. Right nearby, in Hackensack. Nice guy. He was so happy I bought it that he had one of them tow trucks deliver it here, right to our door.”
“Our door?”
“Price was right, too, only a grand! An’ I also see youse Earth people hold garage sales all over the place. Maybe I can buy a garage, too!”
My muscles tensed. “So, I imagine you paid for this—this car of yours with that thousand-dollar bill you, uh, retrieved from your teddy bear Yammicles’ mouth when you first busted into my place last night, right?”
“Nah, Ig. Wanna save that one for myself. I saw in your desk ya had all these funny checks from your credit card companies, wit’ papers talkin’ ’bout how smart it is to transfer balances an’ save lotsa mon-ney an’ get lotsa stuff ya want. Y’know, Ig?”
“What?” I took another step toward Gneeecey, and he fell backward into a chair.
“Ooow! My stinkin’ bimbus! An’ my tail—I mean, I forgot to pick up my mail—”
“You used my checks?”
“I was doin’ ya a favor, Ig! Honest! On them checks it said how ya hadda use ’em up by a certain date or they wouldn’t be no good no more, an’ how they’d be real hapoopy if ya used ’em, an’ I didn’t want them real important finaaancial people to get maaad at’cha, so I….”
I smashed my fist on the table, right into a quivering glob of coffee. SFX: [Blow on the Table] Several chunks flew into Gneeecey’s face. “You used my checks? You forged my signature?”
Blinking, he bent down, picked up a gooped-up spoon off the floor, and began to lick it. SFX: [Dog Eating Noises] [Belch]
“Ugh. You’re gross, among other things.”
“Thaaanks! Now, I practiced writin’ your name a whole buncha times,” he volunteered, between slurps and a burp. “Finally got it perfect. Came out priddy good if I say so myself. Nobody won’t know the difooference, Ig.”
“Do you realize what you did?” I wiped the glop off my hand with a paper napkin and crumpled it on my way to the trash can, imagining that it was that piece of rusted junk out on the driveway. “You know, I can make a call right now and have you….”
He jumped up. “Arresticated? You’ll do nuthin’ of the stinkin’ sort, Ig. Yooou still owe meee! Bigtime!”
Teeth clenched, I pivoted.
He shrank back. “Heh, heh, now be a nice Ig. I’ll pay ya back. One of these days. Can’t tell ya which one, though.”
Swearing that the top of my skull was about to blow off, I lifted him high into the air. “I want this whole freakin’ kitchen cleaned up. Right now!”
“Okay, okay, Ig! Ya made your stinkin’ point. Now, put me down!”
I dropped Gneeecey and stared, through narrowed eyes, at the disaster of a mess he had made.
I stared intently until suddenly, a searing flash of white light blinded me, and an invisible force smashed me up against the brick wall. Couldn’t move a muscle. Felt like I’d been sucked inside a jet engine. The very fabric of time seemed to stretch.
SFX: [Spooky Hollow Fear] [Jet Engine Start-up] [Supersonic Aerodynamic Whoosh] [Magic Glitter]
After what seemed like an eternity and a half, I gathered the courage to open my eyes. The entire kitchen was sparkling clean, immaculate, every single item back in place. Two dinner plates sat side-by-side on the pristine table, piled high with mounds of steaming rice and beans, savory aroma beckoning.
“Wow, Ig!” Gneeecey gawked at me, his egg-shaped peepers nearly popping out of his head. “How in Bogelthorpe’s name did ya do thaaat?”
SFX: [Magic Spell]
SFX: [Fail Horn]
Well, through another series of unfortunate events, I’ve been whisked away from my Planet Earth, back to the dimension of Perswayssick County, where I’m living with and working for Gneeecey—again. As usual, I accompanied Gneeecey to his appointment with licensed therapist and veggie meatball shop owner Ingabore Scriblig, AKA, Grandma. Gneeecey had been such a handful during his last session that Grandma had to call for backup. Concerned about Gneeecey’s worsening Redecoritis—a neurological condition caused by exposure to Perswayssick County’s toxic, omnipresent manufacturing byproduct known as mierk—Grandma had called upon Gneeecey’s neurologist, Doctor Idnas. Unbeknownst to Gneeecey, Grandma and Doctor Idnas have teamed up in an effort to better help him. Here’s how it went….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
SFX: [Door Open]
IS: Hallo, hallo, Nicki and Gneeecey, how doodle you do? Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!
G: That’s stinkin’ Diroctor Gneeecey—I’m a doctor an’ director of this here lousy county! How many times do I gotta remindicate ya? And it ain’t funny!
DI: Vhy, hallo, Nicki, and Diroctor Gneeecey!
G: Graaandma! Doctor Idnas! What are youse both doin’ here? Gangin’ up on me? I don’t stinkin’ like this—I am sooo outta here! SFX: [Door Open] [Boing] [Duck Horn] Ow! My lousy nose! Can’cha get ridda that stooopid wall, Graaandma?
IS: Dee vall ees not stupid, it helps hold dis place up, Diroctor, just like your neck holds up dat wery big head of yours.
G: Yeah, I do got a lotta brains!
IS: Now, Doctor Idnas and I vant to halp you!
DI: Dat is right. Grandma and I are radder concerned about you. Vee vunder eef your Redecoritis ees vursening. Vee vant to halp you.
G: Youse jus’ want me to help youse both by payin’ youse both.
DI: Grandma and I are vurking together, and vee have cleared tings vit your insurance company. Vee just vant to evaluate you. Vee really do care about you and vant to rule out any new problems like vursening Redecoritis, you know, vhere you tink trees and furniture are chasing you.
IS: Yah, Diroctor Gneeecey, vee vant to ewaluate you. Your sessions hawe been preautorized.
G: You ain’t gonna hospoopitalize me!
DI: No, Diroctor Gneeecey. Please make yourself comfortable on dee couch, and vee will do some vurd association accompanied by some pretty music.
G: Stinkin’ aaawright. I could make myself comfoofortable if only this lousy couch was comfoofortable.
IS: Now, Diroctor Gneeecey, here, leesten. Close your eyes. Relax and tell us vhat you are seeing.
SFX: [Violin and Piano]
G: That is Priddy music! I see me playin’ my white, very igspensive electric voaline—it’s a Stradivopoulous! An’ I see my pal Sooperflea tryin’ to play piano. Why, that’s our recordin’ of Zirbert Shriekensobb’s claaassic “Plight of the Goonafish”! Them poor two-tailed fish wit’ no heads! Popoopular menu items at my Gneeezle’s Restaurant! Soon me an’ Sooperflea will be makin’ mon-ney from this very beaudiful music!
DI: Very good, Diroctor Gneeecey. Now, please tall us vhat else you are seeing.
IS: Yah, Diroctor, please do tell us!
G: Umbrellas in pastures playin’ football wit’ kitchen sinks before they get on a bus. A big, giagaaantical bus. Usin’ toilet plungers as baseball bats—recycled plungers they bought on sale, marked down for the holidays at Squiggleman’s Hardware, y’know, right here in town, on Murgatroyd Avenue where runaway goats always used to graze before their drivin’ lessons ’cause they were so nervooovous that their horns would obstruct their rearview mirrors an’ possiboobly tear up the seats. But ever since the city paved the pasture over, the goats gotta go to Shisskey’s Bakery an’ get donuts instead or the airplanes wearin’ uniforms will get maaad an’ not let huuumans get on ’em to go nowheres. Then the ravioli would demand tickets, too, unlike spaghetti, which usually travels business class for free… SFX: [Snoring]
DI: Vall, Grandma, I tink dee music has certainly relaxed Diroctor Gneeecey. He has fallen asleep and ees dreaming.
IS: Yah, Doctor Idnas, I tink vee are asleep, too!
DI: Yah, vee practically are sleeping!
SFX: [Fail Horn]
SFX: [Magic Spell]
Nicki Rodriguez here again! Hopefully soon, in a future episode, I’ll get a chance to talk to Grandma and also Doctor Idnas about these new powers I seem to possess. In the meantime, special thanks to co-producer Sam Leviatin for his musical contribution to Gneeecey’s therapy segment! And thank you so much for listening to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy!” You could’ve been anywhere else, listening to anything else, but you chose to be here with us—and we’re honored! Please help us spread the word—please let a friend know about us! We’re trying to do our part to bring some light and laughter to this planet. And again, thank you, Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., and Toni Aponte, for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com!
Time now to turn it back over to my alter ego, Vicki. Be well and stay safe!
SFX: [Magic Spell]
Music/Outro: Thanks, Nicki! Vicki here again. Thanks so much for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to subscribe and tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###