“Not Now, I’m Watchin’ Oprah,” Episode 16
In this recollection, Nicki discovers that she possesses strange new powers after zany canine-humanoid Gneeecey invades her dimension—and her basement apartment.
Ever since Nicki’s escape back to Earth from Gneeecey’s unearthly Perswayssick County, she’s been struggling to adjust to her old life. All goes from bad to worse when white-and-black furred Perswayssick County leader Gneeecey announces that he’s staying with her until his dimension burn clears up. After creating havoc in Nicki’s home, he gets her into big trouble with radio station boss Bill Fernández without even really trying.
As if things couldn’t deteriorate further, a luminous pair of lime-green eyeballs float past Nicki’s face, out of her production studio, and into the dimly lit corridor. Muffled laughter echoes in the hallway. Shaken to the core, Nicki realizes that the murderous alien gangster Markmen have followed Gneeecey to her dimension.
After many attempts, Nicki finally reaches Gneeecey by phone. After snarling that he’s busy watching an “Oprah” episode, the walking and talking Jack Russell dog slams the phone receiver down.
After the surfacing of this disturbing memory, Nicki, trapped in Perswayssick County again, decides to consult with Gneeecey’s therapist, Ingabore Scriblig, AKA, Grandma. Thanks to Gneeecey, that doesn’t go awfully well either.
Vicki, Nicki, Grandma, and even Gneeecey thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sandi Solá, Sal Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., and Toni Aponte, for being generous supporting members via BuyMeACoffee.com! We appreciate their sponsorship and support more than words can say!
https://buymeacoffee.com/Perswayssick (Please support us with a one-time gift or monthly sponsorship amount—various levels available—to help keep us coming to you via BuyMeACoffee.com! We’ll shout you out during our podcast episodes and in our show notes here, plus supply you with more fun perks!)
https://www.amazon.com/Vicki-Sola/e/B07J29RVMQ (Amazon Author Page, check out our Gneeecey/Nicki e-books and paperbacks!)
https://www.nfreads.com/interview-with-author-vicki-sola/ (Interview with Vicki Solá)
https://perswayssickradio.buzzsprout.com (right here, our Buzzsprout website w/episodes & transcripts!)
And much thanks to disproportionately cool artist Jay Hudson for our podcast logo! https://yojayhudson.com/
This Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy podcast is made possible in part by a generous grant from The Ardelle Institute, providing Executive Coaching for aspiring and established professionals who want to develop their careers, including upwardly-mobile executives, professionals who may be in between jobs, and college graduates transitioning to the workforce. The Ardelle Institute helps with resumes, cover letters, LinkedIn profiles, interview skills and effective job search strategies. For more information, please call (201) 394-6939, that's (201) 394-6939, or visit them on the web at ardelle-institute.com, that's A-R-D-E-L-L-E dash institute dot com. Take it from me, Gneeecey!
Transcript / “Not Now, I’m Watchin’ Oprah,” Episode 16, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2021 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey!
And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
Hey there, Nicki Rodriguez here, looking forward to sharing another adventure with you! My alter ego Vicki and I thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., and Toni Aponte for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com!
SFX: [Horror Scary Moment]
I’ve just remembered what happened the day after zany alien, walking and talking Jack Russell dog Gneeecey shocked me by showing up in my dimension—at my basement apartment—on Earth…in New Jersey. Ever since my escape from his unearthly world of Perswayssick County, I’d been struggling to adjust to my old life. I didn’t need this new complication!
Gneeecey had come pounding on my steel door at three a.m. SFX: [Door Pounding] And strangely, the door appeared to open all by itself. SFX: [Steel Door Opening] The white-and-black-furred canine-humanoid then skipped down my staircase and stated that due to dimension burn, which I also suffered from, he’d have to stay with me for a while. I’d said no! No way!
Gneeecey proceeded to make himself too comfortable, jumping into my bed, red high-top sneakers and all. And he refused to get out of my bed. A tall tumbler of icy liquid sparkled on my night table beside him. As I fantasized about how I’d love to dump its contents on his head, the glass levitated—all by itself—and did just that. SFX: [Splash]
After only a couple hours of sleep, I rose at five-thirty a.m. SFX: ][Digitaal Alarm Clock] I needed to get to the radio station early to finish producing a bilingual commercial for a constipation remedy. For one of WUGG’s newest clients—Grunts Aplenty. Gneeecey was already up. And he had plastered my shower stall and bathroom tiles with my last roll of toilet paper because the package was labeled “bath tissue.”
Then, my usually sensible landlord Rico Rosado, a good guy, came downstairs into my kitchen. Defying my orders to stay out of sight and keep quiet, Gneeecey shook hands with Rico, introducing himself as Jack Russell. Miraculously, Rico appeared to believe that Gneeecey was human. Over an unpleasant breakfast, Gneeecey informed me that whenever he visits my “mudball planet” —which he says he does pretty frequently—he goes by the name “Jack Russell,” and has the ability to hypnotize Earthlings into seeing him as being one of them.
Gneeecey blew me off when I expressed worry that the Markmen—the evil alien gangsters who tried to kill both of us back in Perswayssick County—might’ve followed him to my dimension. These creeps looked like a bunch of vividly colored floating eyeballs until they slathered Perswayssick County’s poisonous, sticky mierk all over their invisible forms to create bodies.
I had to go to work—had no choice. And I felt extremely nervous, leaving Gneeecey alone in my apartment all day. When I’d instructed him to behave until I returned home, he’d laughed uproariously. I mentioned complications earlier. Well, with Gneeecey’s unexpected arrival, I began discovering something new about myself. Here’s how my day went….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
SFX: [Door Open] “What’s this?” demanded Bill Fernández as he scrambled into Production Studio A, waving his smartphone. “You even sent this—this picture—to my boss! And to her boss!” Jaw muscles twitching, my employer thrust his pricey device into my hands.
My face burned as I viewed the high-def image on the large screen, sent from my number, a selfie that Gneeecey had taken sitting on my toilet, grinning the stupidest grin on this side of the universe, his orange-and-purple plaid boxer shorts bunched up around his furry ankles. My new phone. I’d freakin’ left it home again.
With my bug-eyed boss standing over me, I stared at the photo with laser-like intensity until the image disintegrated. [Spooky Hollow Fear] Totally disappeared. Right in front of us. As I rose and held out his cell, I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. “I...I don’t know what you’re talking about, Mr. Fernández. I don’t see anything here.”
Slack-jawed, he snatched his phone and began swiping. “It was here two seconds ago… that… that stupid-looking dog sitting on a commode!”
Evidently, Jack Russell had not succeeded in “hypoopnotizing” Bill Fernández.
“Don’t think,” continued my boss, practically choking himself as he attempted to loosen his too-tight navy necktie, “that you’re gonna get out of this simply by deleting it.”
My legs gave way as I flopped back into my chair. “I didn’t delete anything.”
“Ms. Rodriguez, I may delete your upcoming week of vacation.” An expression of smug righteousness on his gaunt face, Fernández turned on his heels and strode out of the room, his shiny black oxfords squeaking. SFX: [Wood Door Slam]
I slumped over the audio board and exhaled.
Last night, the door opening all by itself…the glass of ice water dumping itself on Gneeecey’s head…and now, this. The photo vanishing in front of our eyes….
Shivering, I reached for the bottle of antacid that I kept stashed underneath the chipped beige counter and took a generous swig.
SFX: [Fail Horn]
SFX: [Magic Spell]
Here it was, nearly noon, and I had only just put the final touches on the Grunts commercial.
That’s because Fernández wouldn’t, or couldn’t, stop meddling.
Every five seconds, he would burst through the studio door, veins popping out all over his balding, egg-shaped pate. “Ay, bendito,” he’d mutter, “estás volviéndome loco!”
“Yeah,” I’d reply each time, under my breath, “and you’re drivin’ me nuts, too!”
It always turned out that I’d produced whatever spots and programming he’d accused me of not finishing, like the promos for a new bilingual Hollywood gossip show. The teasers had only been running six times an hour for the last week. Just keeping his scrawny butt in his too-tidy office and bothering to check the program logs, or actually listening to the always booming radio on his desk, could’ve prevented ol’ Bill from tearing out hair he couldn’t spare.
Each time I’d proven my innocence, he’d slink out of the room, head hung low.
Until this morning’s fiasco.
Time to set my hairy houseguest straight. Sighing, I reached across the controls for the clunky old studio phone. Decided to punch in my mobile number first. SFX: [Dialing Phone 1] My stomach acids churned as I listened to it ring. And ring and ring. [Phone Ring 1] I groaned. Gneeecey could play with my cell phone, but he couldn’t freakin’ answer it.
I muttered some choice words and slammed the receiver down. SFX: [Blow on the Table] Then, in my peripheral vision, I detected motion. SFX: [Scary Ambience]
No one else was in the room. Heart pounding through my ribcage, I lurched out of my chair just in time to see a luminous pair of lime-green eyeballs float past my face, through the doorway, and out into the dimly lit corridor. Muffled laughter echoed out in the hallway.
SFX: [Muffled Laughter]
Shivering and perspiring simultaneously, I collapsed back into my seat, knocking my full coffee mug to the floor. SFX: [Ceramic Dish] [Splash] I sat frozen for maybe five minutes. Finally, I grabbed the phone, and with trembling fingers, rang my home landline. SFX: [Dialing Phone 2] And let it ring. And ring and ring. SFX: [Phone Ring 2]
Finally, Gneeecey picked up. “Whaaat?”
“That’s stinkin’ Diroctor Gneeecey—I’m a lousy doctor an’ director of Perswayssick County!”
“Stinkin’ Diroctor—uh, Diroctor Gneeecey, the bad guys, they did follow you here! Your Markman buddies…I…I just saw a pair of eyeballs float by! Here at work!”
“Not now, ya lousy Ig! I’m watchin’ Oprah!” SFX: [Bang]
SFX: [Cartoon] [Fail Horn]
As I speak now, through a series of unfortunate events, I find myself trapped once more in Gneeecey’s dimension of Perswayssick County. Living in his mansion and working at his GAS Broadcast Network. Reliving the memory of that disturbing workday back on Earth really raised my anxiety levels. I thought it would be helpful to speak with Gneeecey’s therapist, Ingabore Scriblig, AKA, “Grandma.” Luckily, she had time for me. So, I jumped into my ’75 Splodge—the dilapidated old Gneeezle’s delivery car Gneeecey had given me—for a price, of course—and I headed for Grandma’s Murgatroyd Avenue office. Here’s how that went….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
SFX: [Car engine starts] [Horns]
“Wow,” I exclaimed aloud, “thank goodness Grandma has an opening for me today!” Talking to myself had become pretty routine lately.
“Ugh! What the—”
I looked up to see the head of a familiar white-and-black canine-humanoid rise in my rearview mirror. SFX: [Brakes Screech] “Holy crap—”
“It’s meee, Ig! Keep on drivin’!”
“Gneeecey—what are you doing here—”
“That’s Diroctor Gneeecey to you! An’ I heard you’re goin’ to see Graaandma!”
“So, you’ve been eavesdropping on my calls again?”
“Nope, Ig, jus’ listenin’ in. Now, if you’re gonna see Graaandma, I wanna go, too!”
“Well, Diroctor Gneeecey, just please don’t interrupt or try to take over my session.”
“Stinkin’ whatever, Ig.”
“And, uh, that’s Nicki to you. Nicki Rodriguez.”
SFX: [Horns] [Car Engine Starts]
SFX: [Magic Spell]
IS: Hello, hello, Nicki, how doodle you do?
N: Kind of okay, Grandma, well not really—
G: Heya, Graaandma, whazzup wit’ you always greetin’ her first?
IS: Vell, Diroctor Gneeecey, I vas about to ask vhat are you doing here? Dis is Nicki’s session, not yours!
G: Well, Graaandma, I’m sure the lousy Ig here would agree—
IS: Dat vould be Nicki, and she is not lousy!
G: Stinkin’ whatever, Graaandma. Now, I got some probooblems an’ I thought it would be cheaper, y’know, cost me half as much if I disgust ’em wit’ you durin’ her session!
IS: Dat is not how it vorks. As usual, Diroctor Gneeecey, you are full of tricks.
G: Why, thanks, Graaandma.
IS: My professional opinion, Diroctor Gneeeecey, is dat you are off dee beam!
G: Geewhizzicles, thanks! These wonderfoofal compoopliments jus’ keep rollin’ in!
IS: Diroctor, I tink it best if you make your appointment for another day.
G: Ya tellin’ me to leave?
IS: Vell, I am just suggesting—
G: Suggesticatin’ stinkin’ whaaat? I’ll tell ya whaaat! I did learn somethin’ today. Y’know how they say that when you’re good to others, you’re best to yourself? I say, save yourself some time an’ troubooble—jus’ cut out all that other people junk. Jus’ be best to your lousy self!”
IS: Vell, Diroctor Gneeecey, you certainly do seem to live by dat rule!
G: Yep, Graaandma. Gotta, y’know, keep up my repooputation. Ig, I’ll be waitin’ in the lousy car I gave ya.”
N: It is a lousy car.
G: I’ll ignauzeate that remark. An’ don’t keep me waitin’ too long. SFX: [Boing] [Duck Horn] Ow! My stinkin’ nose! Can’cha get ridda that stoopid wall, Graaandma? [Door Slam]
SFX: [Fail Horn]
Nicki Rodriguez here, thanking you and everyone listening to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy!” Please help us spread the word—tell a friend about us! Again, we thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., and Toni Aponte for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com!
Time now to turn it back over to my alter ego, Vicki. Until next time, be well and stay safe!
SFX: [Magic Spell]
Music/Outro: Thanks, Nicki! Vicki here again. Thanks so much for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to subscribe and tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###