Transcript / Planet HyenaZitania – Or Your Duck Gets It: Unintended Expedition, Pt. 5 – Episode 155, by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Intro Blue Danube Fight]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Unintended Expedition, Day Four, aboard Gneeecey’s Starship Waterloo… Nicki Rodriguez here… More fighting…those two canine-humanoids, Zig Gneeecey and Flea, just can’t seem to get along…. And this, this Starship Waterloo that Gneeecey never finished refurbishing—we continue to hurtle through space, out of control. No one, including self-proclaimed scientific genius Gneeecey, knows how to fly this freakin’ thing. But Gneeecey does know how to pass gas and possibly blow us all up. And gravity in this spaceship remains intermittent. Still can’t get used to it…don’t think I ever will….
Making matters worse, if matters could even be made worse, rotten Nurse Maudlyn, who’d escaped from prison back in Perswayssick County, had somehow managed to stow away onboard here, along with some of her deadly medical supplies. At least the stale air on this flying saucer was good for something. It caused her to pass out, buying us a little extra time. Gneeecey, Flea, and I almost killed ourselves dragging her to a holding cell up on the ship’s second deck. She was still comatose when we locked her in. And thank goodness for that elevator…. Gneeecey and Flea were too worn out to go back up to that deck to use the bathroom, so they made use of Nurse Maudlyn’s comfortable at-home shoes which she’d left on the main deck.
SFX: [Magic Spell]
N: Guys, this isn’t gonna be too pretty, y’know, the next time we lose gravity.
G: Don’t ruin our fun, Ig! Okay, Fleaglossitty. You take her left shoe, an’ I’ll take her right shoe. Ironical, ain’t it, someone else’s shoes savin’ us steps?
SFX: [Mud Drops x 2]
But locking Nurse Maudlyn up was by no means the end of our troubles….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Airplane Cabin] [Blue Danube Silly Kazoo] [Sneakers Squeaking]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: There’s that weird music again.
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: It’s Zig. He’s back….
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: When I was up on the second deck jus’ now, checkin’ to make sure the ol’ gasbag ain’t escaped from her little prison cell, looky who I found!
DUCK: Quack, quack, quack, quack!
N: A duck!
F: Looks like he ain’t from Perswayssick County. He’s wearin’ a space helmet, aviator shades, an’—
G: An’ a expensive gold necklace. I think he musta came wit’ this spaceship. I found him clingin’ to some equipment up there.
DUCK: Quack, quack, quack, quack!
G: He seems priddy friendly. I think we can let him roam free here. Looky, there he goes. He’s priddy faaast! I will name him Space Duck.
F: The sensors on this ship must’ve picked him up as the fifth person aboard. So now we know, it’s jus’ us three—you, Nicki, an’ me, plus that rotten Nurse Maudlyn, an’ your Space Duck.
G: Yeah, Fleaglossitty, you’re proboobably right. These high-tech, sophistiphoosticated sensors are priddy sensitive. They picked up the duck, even though he’s kinda light. I’m gonna go over to the repooplicator an’ see what I can feed Space Duck…. Let’s see…maybe I’ll start him off on some malted cauliflower…hope it don’t give him gas.
DUCK: Quack, quack, quack, quack!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Spaceship Alien]
EBEGNEEEZER GESUNDHEIT EEECEYGNAY: Can someone do something with this bloody duck, before I do?
DUCK: Quack, quack, quack, quack!
G: It’s Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay—my hideous, evil lookalike from Planet HyenaZitania!
SFX: [Spaceship Alien]
E: You are what you call me, you daft fool.
DUCK: Quack, quack, quack, quack!
G: Get your lousy four-fingered hands offa my duck!
E: I shall retain custody of this disgusting mallard of yours until you give in to my demands.
G: Space Duck ain’t disgustipatin’. You are. Now stinkin’ what might your demaaaands be?
E: You will transport me back to my home planet, Planet HyenaZitania—or your duck gets it!
G: Get’s whaaat?
E: Use your bloody imagination, old boy.
G: But—but—I ain’t figured out how to fly this spaceship yet!
E: How bloody unfortunate for you—and this rather miserable, filthy-feathered creature of yours.
G: How dare yooou? My duck ain’t miserabooble! An’ I’m gonna give him a bath—after he eats!
E: Right, old chap. Right.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
DUCK: Quack, quack, quack, quack!
G: You gimme back my duck! Right stinkin’ now! It’s time for him to eat. Repooplicator light jus’ came on! SFX: [Electronic Buzzer] His malted cauliflower’s gonna get cold! Bring him baaaack! Now! Ya can see his eyes bulgin’ out—he smells it! He wants it! He’s starvin’!
DUCK: Quack, quack, quack, quack!
G: Why yooou—I’m gonna—
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Comedy Accent]
G: Yaaaaah! Made me fall on my lousy bimbus! Gravoovity never fails around here when I need it to!
F: Don’choo worry, Zig, we’ll get your Space Duck back.
N: Yeah, Diroctor Gneeecey. Ebegneeezer has to sleep sometime. We’ll find ’em both. Don’t you worry. We can throw him in the clink with Nurse Maudlyn. They deserve each other.
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Cuckoo Clock]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, back in Perswayssick County, Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas and therapist Ingabore Scriblig, also known as “Grandma,” sit in Gneeecey’s mansion, worried sick about their three missing housemates.
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Ingabore, I really vish vee vould hear from Detective Clover. I hope he ees making some kind of progress finding Nicki, Flea, and Gneeecey. Dees ees really unbearable.
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah, Alexandra. Eet ees kind of late now, nearly bedtime. I vould also like to speak vit Clover and Conrad. I deed make some progress. I spoke vit hees client, Brunhilde, as I said I vould.
DI: Oh, dat glamorous mystery voman—dee longhaired Dachshund-humanoid?
IS: Ya. Eet vas even difficult for me to understand her tick Booolabeeezian accent. She kept referring to some malted bird, saying she needs to find eet. I’m not really sure dat she means a falcon…. I tink Clover and Conrad may have misunderstood vhat she vas meaning.
SFX: [Magic Glitter]
IS: Vhat een dee vurld—
DI: Vhat ees dis?
IS: Eet ees dat two-headed canine-humanoid alien in a silver space suit again—he just magically materialized in dee kitchen here!
VLOXX: Yes, it is I, Vloxx. My people have the ability to appear and disappear.
DI: Eet ees not vary polite of you to just barge into our home like dis, ees it?
IS: Vee trust dat you vill not make a habit of doing dis!
V: I do not have time for antiquated pleasantries.
IS: Vell, please do tell us, vhy are you here?
V: I want you to interface me with your Beagle-humanoid Detective Clover and his assistant, that noisy bird Conrad. They need help, you need help, and so do I and my team. Perhaps with our needs overlapping, we may assist each other.
DI: Vell, eef you can show up anyvhere you vant like you just deed now, vhy don’t you just ask Clover to—
V: Goodbye.
SFX: [Magic Glitter]
IS: He ees gone—he dematerialized—just like dat!
DI: Dis ees creepy!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Spaceship Alien]
G: How can I stinkin’ not worry? We jus’ looked all over this lousy spaceship, an’ there ain’t no sign of my Space Duck or that evil, hideous lookalike of mine! I gotta worry!
NURSE MAUDLYN: Who’s worried? Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!
F: How did you escape from that cell? We had ya locked in!
G: Yeah—what he said!
N: You’re supposed to be—
NM: Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha! I have my ways, don’t I? Ah, and there are my comfortable at-home shoes, right where I left them—hey—why’s there liquid in them?
G & F [in unison]: Heh heh, heh heh….
NM: Oh no—what’s happening with the gravity? I’m floating!
F: An’ them comfortable at home shoes are floatin’ right over your head, ya ol’ gasbag!
G: An’ they’re gonna pour what’s in ’em right on top of your dopey noodle!
SFX: [Splash Water 3] [Splash Water 4]
N: Gravity’s back….
NM: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
G & F [in unison]: Heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah!
NM: Oh, so you’re all doubled over laughing at me? You think it’s funny? I’ll show you! I’ve got my trusty hypodermic needle here, and it’s filled with enough poison to take out both of you dastardly canine-humanoids!
F: Zig!
N: Diroctor Gneeecey—watch out—turn around! She’s headed straight for your bimbus with her needle!
SFX: [KazooPhartzzByFrank]
F: Oh Zig—you’re gonna kill us all, passin’ gas like that!
SFX: [BodyFallHuman] [Wood Demolition Bang]
G: No, I ain’t, Fleaglossitty. Look—it knocked her out!
SFX: [Cartoon 1] [Magic Spell] [Spaceship Alien]
N: Okay, we’ve got ol’ Nurse Maudlyn back in the holding cell. Let’s take a minute to catch our breath. Bad enough that the recirculating air on this ship’s so stale.
F: Yeah, Nicki. I’m really winded now. Worse than last time.
G: Yeah, me too. Look at the ol’ battle-ax down there on the floor. She’s still out cold.
F: Yeah, Zig, your gas helped us this time, but I still say you’re gonna get us killed one of these days.
N: We’ve gotta lock her in and make sure she can’t escape again.
F: Yeah…let’s see how we can do this…. Any ideas, Zig, ya brilliant genius?
SFX: [Bang] [DoorLockUnlock]
N: Holy crap!
F: Ebegneeezer!
E: Looks like the four of you aren’t going anywhere!
G: Yooou stinkin’ let us outta this lousy cell right now!
E: I intend to do nothing of the kind!
G: An’ where’s my Space Duck? What have you done with him?
E: That is for me to know, and you possibly to never find out. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a spaceship to fly.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Spaceship Cabin Locked] [SciFi Spaceship] [Airplane Jet Continuous] [Music Accent, Terror Tension] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###
