Transcript / Looks Like You Got Your Wish: Unintended Expedition, Pt. 3 – Episode 153, by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…SFX: [Magic Spell] [Intro Blue Danube Fight]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Unintended Expedition, Day Two, aboard Gneeecey’s Starship Waterloo… Nicki Rodriguez here, keeping this diary…. In case…in case…we don’t survive, someone in the universe might find this and possibly even let our loved ones know what happened to us. Then our lives might have some meaning. And if we do survive, I’ve sure got one heck of a story to write. Here we are, Gneeecey, Flea, and myself, prisoners on this partially reconditioned flying saucer as it hurtles, out of control, through space.
Like I said, partially reconditioned…. The gravity aboard this ship, which Flea says should be more accurately named the SS Titanic—it’s intermittent—one second everything’s normal, then the next second, I’m floating. I can’t get use to it. And the air is so stale. Gneeecey said he hadn’t finished working on the ship’s ventilation system, and that it still has a few bugs. Knowing him, it might be real bugs, and who knows what else. He has no idea where this UFO came from. And of course, Gneeecey never got around to working on the ship’s communication or navigation systems. But he is really skilled at passing gas, and that mixture of methane and hydrogen endangers all of us in this small, pressurized cabin. He claims it’s the replicator’s food causing that problem. And the only foods the replicator produces are jackass burgers with melted cross-eyed cheese, sides of malted cauliflower, and fermented Slog wit’ extra pulp. I may die of starvation….
And Flea and Gneeecey’s constant fighting… as if we don’t already have enough problems. Flea confided in me that he wished he and Gneeecey were facing a common enemy again. “I wish me an’ Zig had a common enemy, like before,” he said, “so we could be friends again.” And I remember replying, “Don’t wish too hard, Flea…don’t wish too hard….”
Just when I thought things couldn’t get much worse, this eardrum-shattering warning alarm began blasting….
SFX: [Airplane Alarm]
N: Guys! Look at the screen, it’s suddenly saying it’s detected that there are five people aboard—two more than this spacecraft can accommodate!
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: That’s proboobably impossibooble—there’s only the stinkin’ three of us!
SFX: [Airplane Alarm] [Spaceship Alien]
N: It took us half the night. The three of us scoured every nook and cranny on each of the spaceship’s three decks but found no evidence of anyone else being aboard.
G: Well, Ig—
N: That would be Nicki—
G: Yeh, Ig, so as I was sayin’ before ya rudely interrupticated me, perhaphoops because of all the vibrations, y’know, from that fistfight Fleaglossitty here started—
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Ya mean that you started, Zig—
G: Stinkin’ whatever. What I’m tryin’ to say is that proboobably possiboobly, the vibrations an’ all the junk we busted, which wasn’t really important junk, got the sensors confused an’ made it think there were a couple more people on board.
F: Let’s hope there’s no one else aboard—
G: Yeah, ’cause even though this spaceship has all them levels, right now, until I can work on it more, it only got the capacity to support three comfoofortably—an’ safely.
SFX: [Airplane Jet] [Spaceship Resonant]
N: Yaaaaaaah! We’ve suddenly speeded up again! Like we did yesterday! We’re gonna crash—into those huge—
G: Ig, how many times do I gotta tell ya, it only looks like we’re gonna crash. Relax. There’s so much stinkin’ space between all them billions of gigaaantical, planet-sized asteroids we’re flyin’ through, that ya could—
F: That ya could park your humongous ego?
G: Why, you—I’m gonna stinkin’—
N: Guys! Guys! Please!
F: An’ furthermore, Zig, if ya didn’t cheat on your eye exam, ya woulda had proper glasses, an’ ya never would hit the “launch” button insteada the “lunch” button!
G: I’ll have you know, Fleaglossitty, I didn’t cheat on that lousy eye exam! I studied for it! I memorized the eye chart!
F: Yeah, I remember you walkin’ around mumblin’, “IGZEDFILOPSIDED… IGZEDFILOPSIDED.”
G: Well, I aced the stinkin’ test! I got one hundred on it!
F: But ya failed, ’cause ya didn’t get the glasses ya needed, to see properly!
G: I passed wit’ flyin’ colors!
SFX: [PhartzzByFrank]
F: Oh, Zig!
G: I’m tellin’ ya, it’s the food from that repooplicator. I caaan’t stinkin’ help it!
F: You better start helpin’ it, Zig. You’re gonna blow up this whole ship an’ get us all killed!
G: La, la, la, I can’t hear you. La, la, la, I can’t hear you.
F: Oh yeah? I got a way of makin’ ya hear me!
N: Guys, please! Diroctor Gneeecey, why don’t you go over to the communication panel and see if you can—
G: Don’choo try an’ tell me what to do, ya Ig. I’m goin’ up to the third deck where I ain’t gotta stinkin’ see or hear youse two!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Airplane Cabin Open] [Door Slam] [Magic Spell]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, down below, back in Perswayssick County….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
CLOVER ARLO COOKIE, PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR: Well, Mrs. Scriblig—
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Please, Detective Clover, call me Grandma!
CAC, PI: That whole grain spaghetti was delicious—as good as the Street Spaghetti I buy from the shop next to my office. And the veggie meatballs were delicious as well!
IS: Vhy, tank you, Detective Clover!
CONRAD: SFX: [BirdSunConure]
IS: And I see dat your assistant Conrad agrees!
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: You know, Detective Clover, vee are so vary tankful dat you and Conrad stopped by. Vee must find Nicki, Flea, and Gneeecey. Eet ees like dey just disappeared—into tin air!
IS: Yah! You rescued Gneeecey and Flea from dat evil kidnapper Nurse Maudlyn, and now dey and Nicki are missing!
CAC, PI: Yeah. And I understand that Nurse Maudlyn escaped from prison. She has nowhere to go—through her stupidity, she blew up her own house! Y’know, I’m sorry I wasn’t around to help you yesterday. We will find your three housemates. And, we’ll find out more about those silver-suited aliens who came calling on you last night.
DI& IS [in unison]: Tank you!
CAC, PI: Conrad and I were out in the far reaches of the county. We hadda meet with a new client in Booolabeeezia. A mysterious gal named Brunhilde. Glamorous, longhaired dachshund-humanoid. Not easy to understand her—she speaks with a heavy Booolabeeezian accent.
IS: In addition to speaking Conrad’s language, I also speak fluent Booolabeeezian. I vould be happy to help you!
CAC, PI: Why, thank you, Grandma. As best as I could understand, she wants me to find some missing malted falcons. Not sure what she means, but she says it’s really important, and—
SFX: [Door Bell]
DI: I’d better get dat.
SFX: [Door Bell]
DI: Coming! I am coming!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open]
DI: Hallo?
VLOXX: Hello. My name is Vloxx. I came to return the keys to that antiquated, obsolete orange-and-purple land vehicle that my colleagues brought back to you last night. Here they are.
SFX: [Keys]
IS: Vhy, he looks like dee two space-suited aliens dat returned Nicki’s car yesterday—except dis vun has two heads!
V: Goodbye.
DI: Vait—please!
IS: Yah! Please!
CAC, PI: Sir, I’d like to have a word with you—
SFX: [Magic Glitter]
CAC, PI: Why, that silver-suited, two-headed canine-humanoid just dematerialized, right in front of our eyes!
SFX: [BirdSunConure] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [SciFi Spaceship] [Airplane Cabin] [Blue Danube Silly Kazoo] [Sneakers Squeaking]
F: Oh, so ya decided to come back an’ grace us wit’ your presence, Zig?
N: Yeah, he came back, but the gravity just left!
G: I think I’m allergical to somethin’ on this lousy ship! Ah hah, haah, fiduciary!
SFX: [Clinking Coins]
N: He just sneezed out a bunch of dimes—must be five dollars’ worth!
F: An’ wit’out gravity, the whole slimy mess is orbiting around his head—like planets an’ moons!
N: And, where’s that crazy music coming from?
F: It seemed to come wit’ him when he came through the door.
SFX: [Airplane Alarm]
G: That’s possiboobly proboobably nuthin’. Ain’t no one else on this lousy ship ’cept the three of us. Ah hah, haah, fiduciary!
SFX: [Clinking Coins] [Airplane Cabin] [Sneakers Squeaking]
NURSE MAUDLYN: Oh, I wouldn’t be too sure about that! Ah, ha, ha, ha!
N: Looks like you got your wish, Flea.
G: It’s stinkin’ evil Nurse Maudlyn!
NM: That’s right, tis I, Nurse Maudlyn! And I’ve lost everything because of you! So, I have nothing left to lose now! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!
SFX: [Terror Tension] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###
