Transcript / It’s Your Fault: Unintended Expedition, Pt. 2 – Episode 152, by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Spaceship Alien]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, humans Nicki Rodriguez, Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas, and Grandma, and canine-humanoids “Zig” Gneeecey, and “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, also known as “Sooperflea,” were all hoping for a return to normalcy after the latter two were rescued from evil kidnapper Nurse Maudlyn’s home…but…when Gneeecey invites Nicki and Flea for lunch aboard a secret spaceship he’s been reconditioning…one that had been invisible until he accidentally flushed its invisibility remote control down the toilet….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Now, for meals, we got this here repooplicator. Ya pick out what ya wanna eat on this little electronical menu on the side an’ then ya press the correspondin’ buttons here. All I got programmed here so far is jackass burgers wit’ melted cross-eyed cheese, sides of malted cauliflower, an’ to drink, fermented Slog wit’ extra pulp.
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Yummy!
NICKI RODRIGUEZ : Uh, I’m not really that hungry. I can wait till we get back home. I can make a sandwich and eat upstairs while I work.
G: Don’t be a soiled sport, Ig. Now, I’m gonna order complete meals like I jus’ described, for the three of us. SFX: [Intarface x 9] [SciFi Glimmer] An’ youse hear that priddy sound? That means our meals are awready ready. I’m so stinkin’ proud of my work!
F: So, where is our food, then, Zig?
G: Follow me, youse two.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: I made it all very cornvenient. The food all comes outta these little doors upfront, y’know, right by where we sit when we opooperate an’ drive this spaceship, so youse don’t even gotta get up outta your seat while you’re flyin’. See them buttons? They’re labeled. There’s one for each meal—breakfast, lunch, an’ dinner. Lemme press ours now!
SFX: [Intarface 2] [Electronic Button] [SpaceshipByResonantSpaceship] [Spaceship Takeoff]
F: Zig!
N: Diroctor Gneeecey—you pressed the “launch” button instead of the “lunch button”! Can you abort takeoff? Please—you gotta!
G: I would if I could but I caaan’t! Don’t know how to fly this thing yet!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Spaceship Alien]
N: Holy crap, Gneeecey—
G: That’s Diroctor Gneeecey—
N: Gneeecey, I can’t freakin’ believe you hit the launch button instead of the lunch button, and now you tell us you don’t know how to fly this thing! If we all die, it’s gonna be your fault!
G: It’s gonna be your fault! Youse two were pressurin’ me an’ makin’ me all nervous ’cause youse wanted lunch right away so youse could get back home, an’ youse ingratitudinous iggleheimers, youse didn’t even want a tour of my beaudiful Starship Waterloo that I been spendin’ so much time an’ hard work refurbishing!
F: Zig, you really gotta learn to take responsibility for your actions an’ not blame others. You need to grow up! If anything happens to us, Nicki’s right—it’s all gonna be your fault!
G: La, la, la, I can’t hear you. La, la, la, I can’t hear you. La, la, la, I can’t hear you. La, la, la, I can’t hear you.
N: Yaaaaaah—
G: Now, stinkin’ whaaat?
N: This gravity—it’s intermittent—one second everything’s normal, then the next second, I’m floating.
F: Yeah, Zig! I can’t get used to this, either!
G: Looky, Ig, I told youse two, I’m still workin’ on this spaceship, an’ I ain’t had no time to fix the artificial gravoovity meckookanism an’ other junk yet! Jus’ remember, like I warned youse before, when youse use the terlits here, make sure youse strap yourself in wit’ the seatbelts!
SFX: [Airplane Jet] [Spaceship Resonant]
N: Yaaaaaaah! We’ve just suddenly speeded up—we’re gonna crash—into those huge—
G: Relax, Ig. We’re jus’ flyin’ highspeed a zillion miles an hour through a aaasteroid belt or somethin’. Looks like were gonna crash, but there’s really lots an’ lotsa space between all them billions of gigaaantical, planet-sized rocks!
F: Yeah, Zig, an’ there’s lotsa space between your ears, too—an’ it’s all empty space!
G: Why, you—I’m gonna—I’m gonna—
N: Guys! Guys! Is anyone else having trouble breathing?
F: Yeah, Zig, this air is really stale!
G: Looky, when youse two agreed to come aboard for a lovely lunch, I told youse I was still workin’ on the ventilization system. Still has a few bugs.
N: I hope it’s not real bugs….
G: Ya never know, Ig. Ya never know what kinda contaminants might be hidin’ on this flyin’ saucer. I told youse, it was abaaandoned, an’ I found it. Don’t know where it came from. An’ remember, youse two said youse didn’t wanna put on one of them silver spacesuits that came wit’ this spaceship. Told youse, they got suits for canine-humanoids, complete wit’ tails, like I’m wearin’ here, an’ ones for huuumans, too!
N: Can we at least see if we can communicate with someone? Anyone?
G: Okay, Ig. Okay….
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Electronic Button] [Computer Keyboard] [AFX Spaceship Control Inter] [Radio Static]
G: Ain’t workin’. Guess I didn’t get ’round to fixin’ it yet….
N: Oh, great! What else are we gonna find out—the hard way—that doesn’t work on this ship?
F: Only better name for this flyin’ ship would be the SS Titanic!
G: I’ll ignauzeate that snarkastic remark, Fleaglossitty! Y’know, this beautiful, high-tech, sophistiphoosticated spaceship got a evoovilator, an I’m gonna take it up to the third floor to get away from youse two ingratitudinous iggleheimers for a while.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
F: Y’know, Nicki, I wish me an’ Zig had a common enemy, like before, so we could be friends again.
N: Don’t wish too hard, Flea…don’t wish too hard….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, down below, back in Perswayssick County….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Cuckoo Clock] [DoorLockUnlock] [Door Open] [Squeaking Sneakers]
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Nicki! Diroctor Gneeecey! Flea! Vee’re home!
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: You know, Alexandra, I don’t tink dey’re back yet.
DI: You’re right, Ingabore. I didn’t see Nicki’s car outside.
IS: Yah, Alexandra. Dat old seventy-five Splodge dat Gneeecey got for Nicki—vee couldn’t miss dat orange and purple antique, vit’ eet’s giant fins! I’ll go into dee kitchen and heat up dee veggie meatballs and pasta so eet vill be nice and varm vhen dey get home.
DI: Yah, eet vill be so nice, dee five of us, safe and sound, finally sitting together around dee dinner table again! Oh, look—on dee news app on my phone, eet says dat Nurse Maudlyn has escaped from prison!
IS: Oh, dear!
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Cuckoo Clock]
DI: Ingabore, look vhat time eet ees!
IS: Yah, Alexandra—eet ees bedtime, and Nicki, Flea, and Gneeecey have not returned yet! Someting ees wrong!
DI: Vary wrong! I am going to phone Detective Clover! Please stay here vit’ me in case I get his assistant Conrad. Den, since you understand his language, you can translate for me.
SFX: [Phone] [BirdSunConure]
IS: He says dat dee office ees closed and dat dey are unavailable until tomorrow afternoon. But, vee can leave a message.
DI: Okay, tank you, Ingabore.
SFX: [Electronic Cash Register]
VOICE: This voicemail box is full. Please try again, later.
DI: Oh, dear….
SFX: [Doorbell Ring]
DI: Coming! I am coming!
IS: Alexandra—I see Nicki’s car out front, through dee vindow!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open]
DI: Hallo? Who are you?
ALIEN: As you can see, we brought back the vehicle—as low-tech and obsolete as it is—but we want ours back. We appreciate the free repairs but the process has been too slow. We will be in touch.
DI: Vait! Come back! I don’t understand! Who are you?
A: Goodbye.
DI: Look at dat, Ingabore. Dose two guys een silver space suits—vhat appears to a human and a canine-humanoid—dey brought Nicki’s car back, but not Nicki, Flea, or Gneeecey. And I have absolutely no idea about vhat dey vere talking about.
IS: Vee really need dee police—and Detective Clover!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [SciFi Spaceship] [Sneakers Squeaking]
F: Ya in a better mood now, Zig, after bein’ away from us?
G: Stinkin’ no. How could I be, stranded here in outer space wit’ you two lousy iggleheimers? This is all your stinkin’ fault.
SFX: [PhartzzByFrank]
F: Oh, Zig! Speakin’ of stinkin’!
G: Can’t help it, Fleaglossitty. The food from outta our repooplicator seems to give me gaaas!
F: Wipe that smile offa your face, Zig! Passed gas, is flammable—y’know, its’s methane an’ hydrogen! An’ both are highly flammable an’ fast movin’—’specially in a pressurized space! An’ you’re lucky the gravity was workin’. Ya woulda been propelled into the wall.
G: Ya want me to hold it in an’ be uncomfoofortable? You sayin’ my gaaas is dangerousical?
F: If this spaceship blows up ’causa your passin’ gas, an’ we all die, it’ll be your fault!
G: Aaaah—you’re jus’ maaad, Fleaglossitty, ’cause ya couldn’t get back to see your girlfriend Prindl! She don’t wan’cha! She ain’t interesticated in yooooou!
N: Guys! Guys! Stop! And the gravity is intermittent again! On and off, on and off—
F: Oh yeah, Zig? Come over here an’ say that!
G: I aaam over here!
F: An’ y’know, Zig, you’re ex-fiancée Goonafina Blopperdang, she ain’t interested in you neitherwise, ’cause she knows you’re a jerk, an’ besides, she’s back on Planet Eccchs, an’ you’re stranded in Perswayssick County an’ so you’ll never see her again, an’—
G: Why yooou—
SFX: [Blue Danube] [FistFight] [Glass Shatter] [Blow on Table] [Wood Demolition] [BodyFallHuman] [CanTin] [CanMetal] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Duck Horn]
F & G [in unison]: It’s all your fault!
G: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
F: Ow!
N: Guys! Guys!
SFX: [Airplane Alarm]
N: Guys! Look at the screen, it’s suddenly saying it’s detected that there are five people aboard—two more than this spacecraft can accommodate!
G: That’s proboobably impossibooble—there’s only the stinkin’ three of us!
SFX: [Airplane Alarm] [Fail Horn] [Spaceship Alien] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###
