Transcript / Let’s Do Lunch: Unintended Expedition, Pt. 1 – Episode 151, by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…
SFX: [Magic Spell]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Hey there, Vicki here, thanking you so much for listening to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” This coming August 10th, 2024 marks the third anniversary of this podcast. But I couldn’t wait until then to bring you a brand-new season! So, here it is! Enjoy!
SFX: [FinaleEpicSound] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo] [Cuckoo Clock] [HouseResidential]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Guys, it’s sure great to have you back home safe, sitting here with us at the breakfast table again. You were both very missed.
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Thanks, Ig.
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Thanks, Nicki.
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Yah. Dis place vas not dee same vitout Diroctor Gneeecey and Sooperflea. And vee vere vurried sick, right, Ingabore?
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah, Alexandra. Vee certainly vere!
N: And you guys are really lucky that Judge Blobbert was so lenient with you two, y’know, for ordering all that expensive stuff online from Nurse Maudlyn’s computer, using her money. No need now for me, as Grate Gizzy of this county, to issue pardons to you.
F: That mean ol’ Nurse Maudlyn did kidnap us, an’ we hadda survive—y’know, we hadda order food an’ other necessities. An’ even Judge Blobbert was sittin’ there tryin’ not to laugh when he was talkin’ ’bout how we pranked her, y’know, like orderin’ them six-hundred-pound bags of horse manure. But I guess we did get kinda carried away, orderin’ all that other junk wit’ her money to furnish them cozy mancaves we carved out behind her walls.
N: Well, Nurse Maudlyn’s house blew up—due to her own actions—so all that’s gone.
G: Yeah, due to a chemickookal reaction that esckookoolated because she forgot to release the lousy neutralizin’ agent after she released her stinkin’ canine-humanoid obedience chemickookal into the air. It’s nice that Judge Blobbert gave her a gigaaantical prison sentence!
N: Yes, Diroctor Gneeecey. And Flea, Judge Blobbert did recognize the fact that you’ve always been an exemplary, well-respected citizen of Perswayssick County. A real asset to us all.
G: Whuddabout meeee?
DI: And Nicki, eet vas beyond lucky dat you tought of telling Diroctor Gneeecey about dat thirty-tree zillion dollar check made out to him dat vas about to be void. He vasn’t going to leave dat house oddervise, but dat made him run out.
N: Yes, Doctor Idnas, that check for thirty-three zillion dollars and thirty-seven cents saved all of our lives. That whole house blew up seconds after we ran out. Was blown to smithereens.
G: Ain’t that somewheres in Texas?
IS: Yah. Dat check made out to Diroctor Gneeecey saved your lives.
G: Stop talkin’ ’bout me like I ain’t here! SFX: [Dog Eating] [Giant Burp]
N: Oh, we all know you’re here, Diroctor Gneeecey.
F: Yeah, Zig. Like Nicki jus’ said, we all know you’re here.
G: Who asked yooou, Fleaglossitty?
F: Looks like you an’ me got along better when we had a common enemy.
N: Uh, maybe we can try to have some peace now and return to some kind of normal life? We’ve got enough bad guys running around Perswayssick County. Doctor Idnas, Grandma, would you like some more coffee before you head out?
DI: Oh, no tank you, Nicki. Breakfast vas delicious, but vee must get going.
IS: Yah, Nicki. Alexandra and I have to leave for dee office. Vee have a full slate of patients to see. But vee’ll be back home for dinner. I’ll bring us some veggie meatballs and whole grain pasta from my shop. Deese dishes from your planet are really becoming popular in dis dimension!
N: Thank you so much, Grandma.
DI: Vee look forvard to normalcy and all five of us sitting around dee dinner table again! See you later.
SFX: [Magic Spell]
N: Well, guys, it’s been really great sitting around this table talking and enjoying a leisurely breakfast, but I’ve really got to get back to work now. Problems in this county seem to be multiplying. More and more of those evil, alien, waxy-faced Markmen are showing up in our dimension and infiltrating our police departments. And Diroctor Gneeecey, your no-good look-alike from Planet HyenaZitania—that Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay—has been spotted skulking around in that wooded area, y’know, by Street Road.
G: Ya mean, my hideous look-alike.
N: Yeah. And Detective Clover informs me that the nefarious twin clowns hired by Nurse Maudlyn that terrorized us, making all that racket in the basement…there are actually three of them. One-Half, Other-Half, and Third-Half. Brothers of that nine-foot-tall, three-armed-three-legged clown named Three.
G: Speakin’ of that Detective Clover, that Beagle-humanoid an’ his assistant, that bird Conrad, are real annoying.
F: Well, Zig, it’s because of them that we’re still alive!
N: Yup! He’s the one who found you guys! You both would’ve blown up in that house!
G: Then I wouldna been able to cash my thirty-three zillion dollar an’ thirty-seven cent check!
N: Speaking of that check, Diroctor Gneeecey, I can’t believe you didn’t deposit it. I mean, you cashed that whole check and now you’re carrying around all that cash in your T-shirt pocket.
G: It’ll be safe here. I’m waitin’ to get an appointment wit’ my new accountant, IggZigg Iguannickels. He’s a iguana-humanoid. Comes from a very distinguished family back on my Planet Eccchs.
N: I’m surprised you’d consider anyone with “Ig” as part of their name. That’s a derogatory label on your planet.
G: The “Zigg” attached makes it regal. Like I said, he comes from a from a very distinguished family back on Planet Eccchs.
SFX: [Electronic Button]
N: Uh-oh…just got a notification on my phone here…. Seems overnight, Nurse Maudlyn escaped from prison. Why did our police department wait so long to inform me?
F: Could be ’cause of all them Markmen infiltratin’ our police department.
N: I mean, it’s almost lunchtime! She escaped last night!
G: Speakin’ of lunch, guys, I’m invitin’ ya out for a meal—on meee!
N & F [in unison]: Really?
G: Stinkin’ yeah! Let’s do lunch! Ig, you’ll drive.
N: I will? And, uh, that would be Nicki.
G: Okay, Ig. An’ you can do all your leadership junk—y’know—as Grate Gizzy of this county—when ya get back from lunch.
N: I can? I mean, I have some really pressing matters to take care of and—
G: I’m gonna take youse two somewheres really special. Youse won’t believe your eyes when I show youse two what I’m gonna show youse. An’ we’ll kill two stones wit’ one bird—I’ll treat youse to lunch there.
F: You will?
G: Fleaglossitty, ain’cha sorry ya kept accusin’ me of flushin’ my weather machine’s remote control down the terlit, an’ sayin’ it was my fault the weather in this county was goin’ so crazy—whooped cream blizzards an’ metal springs an’ tin cans raining outta the skies?
F: Yeah, Zig. I’m sorry.
G: Say it louder!
F: I said, I’m sorry, Zig.
G: Turns out them lousy clowns that stinkin’ Nurse Maudlyn hired had it all that time.
F: So, okay, Zig, so what remote control did ya flush down the terlit that day? Ya were priddy upset. I do remember that.
G: It’ll all be clear to youse when we get to where I’m takin’ youse. Seein’ it will be easier than explainin’ it. It was a remote control to maintainerate somethin’ real, real secret. If that remote has been damaged, we might have a critickookally dangerousical situation on our hands.
N: Sounds like we have another potential crisis here.
G: Could be, Ig. Could be….
N: C’mon. Let’s go.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Car Engine] [Car Horns] [Police Siren]
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, I’ve been driving for over an hour, now. Where is this freaking place?
F: Yeah, Zig! Are we there yet? I wanna get back home in time to see if I can catch Prindl at Shisskey’s Café. I hope she ain’t still mad at me for standin’ her up, but once I explain we were kidnapped—
G: Shaaadup, Fleaglossitty. We’re almost stinkin’ there. Now, Ig—
N: That would be Nicki.
G: Okay, Ig, make a left turn there right before that sign for Mile High Point Goozey, y’know, at the intersection of Nostrillville Lane an’ Runny Schnozz Road.
N: Okay.
G: An’ then keep followin’ them signs for Area Fifty-an’-four-fourths—till I tell ya to stop.
N: Okay.
G: Stop! Stinkin’ now!
SFX: [Screeching Brakes] [Music Eerie Dramatic]
G: I knew it! I knew it! Ya can stinkin’ seeeee it, now! That remote I flushed musta been irrepooparably damaged by all that water! Ya can stinkin’ seeeee it! That lousy remote I flushed was a invisiboobability remote! Looky!
N & F [in unison]: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe!
N: Holy crap—a flying saucer! A real flying saucer!
G: Yes, Ig. It is a abaaandoned spaceship I jus’ hapoopened to find. An’ little by little, meee, the skientifically certifiable genius, I been refurbishing it. An’ I been doin’ it all in secret, until now. But now, we got a real security problem. This flyin’ machine is now visibooble to everyone.
N: I don’t suppose you would have thought of briefing me about the existence of this—this thing, y’know, when I took over your position of Grate Gizzy?
G: Now, don’t get snarkastical, Ig. You’ll think of some way to solve this, I’m sure.
F: Zig, I thought ya invited us out for lunch.
G: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did. I’ll treat youse both to lousy lunch aboard the almost completely reconditioned, beaudiful updated Starship Waterloo, right now. That Earth guy, Napoleon, he was real famous, y’know? Follow me, guys.
F: Okay, Zig.
N: Whatever….
G: Well, ya don’t gotta say it like that, Ig, so oogdimonius. C’mon. Let’s stop wastin’ time. Time can never be got back unless ya can go backward in it. An’ I’m workin’ on thaaat, too. Let’s go!
SFX: [FootstepsGravel] [Airplane Cabin]
G: C’mon in, guys.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
F: Wow, Zig, this is the first time I been on a real spaceship.
N [mumbles]: And it won’t be the last, I’m sure….
G: Whaaaaaat?
N: Uh, nothing….
G: Lemme show youse two around.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
F: I must say, Zig, I am impressed.
G: I’m still workin’ on the gravoovitational system. An’ the ventilization system still got a few bugs in it, but I’ll have it all under control soon. We got several high-tech bathrooms aboard this here ship. An’ I gotta tell ya, in flight, when the gravoovity ain’t workin’ propooperly, ya gotta use the seatbelts attached to them terlits or you’ll float away. Could be quite embarrassin’.
N: I, uh, would think so….
SFX: [Airplane Cabin]
N: Uh, what are those silver things you’re pulling out of that panel?
G: Spacesuits, Ig. Spacesuits. I’m convinced this beaudiful ship was abaaandoned by folks like us. Canine-humanoids an’ huuumans. See how these smaller suits got tails?
N: Uh, yeah. Now, what about lunch?
G: Ya wanna try ’em on?
N: Uh, no. You promised us lunch. So, let’s eat, and then I absolutely have to get back to work!
F: Yeah, Zig. Let’s eat, so we can get back home. We been away so long, y’know, after bein’ kidnapped, that I got lotsa stuff to take care of, now that we’re back.
G: Don’cha wanna tour the ship after we eat?
N: Maybe for now, we can skip the tour.
F: Yeah, we can do that another time.
G: Stinkin’ whatever, youse two. Your loss. Now, for meals, we got this here repooplicator. Ya pick out what ya wanna eat on this little electronical menu on the side an’ then ya press the correspondin’ buttons here. All I got programmed here so far is jackass burgers wit’ melted cross-eyed cheese, sides of malted cauliflower, an’ to drink, fermented Slog wit’ extra pulp.
F: Yummy!
N: Uh, I’m not really that hungry. I can wait till we get back home. I can make a sandwich and eat upstairs while I work.
G: Don’t be a soiled sport, Ig. Now, I’m gonna order complete meals like I jus’ described, for the three of us. SFX: [Intarface x 9] [SciFi Glimmer] An’ youse hear that priddy sound? That means our meals are awready ready. I’m so stinkin’ proud of my work!
F: So, where is our food, then, Zig?
G: Follow me, youse two.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: I made it all very cornvenient. The food all comes outta these little doors upfront, y’know, right by where we sit when we opooperate an’ drive this spaceship, so youse don’t even gotta get up outta your seat while you’re flyin’. See them buttons? They’re labeled. There’s one for each meal—breakfast, lunch, an’ dinner. Lemme press ours now!
SFX: [Intarface 2] [Electronic Button] [SpaceshipByResonantSpaceship] [Spaceship Takeoff] [Space Laser Lab] [Spaceship Alien]
F: Zig!
N: Diroctor Gneeecey—you pressed the “launch” button instead of the “lunch button”! Can you abort takeoff? Please—you gotta!
G: I would if I could but I caaan’t! I don’t know how to fly this thing yet!
SFX: [SciFi Spaceship] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###
