Transcript / Explosive Ending – Episode 150, by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Boxed In – Latin]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “We Got Demands,” an unconscious Nurse Maudlyn is hauled away by ambulance after slipping and accidentally injecting herself with the poison she meant for her kidnap victims, Diroctor “Zig” Gneeecey and “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, also known as “Sooperflea.” The drug was meant to paralyze the two so she could dispose of them, once and for all. The foul odor of the canine-humanoid obedience chemical she had released still hangs in the air when Private Eye Beagle-humanoid Clover Arlo Cookie and his trusty assistant, sun conure parrot Conrad, and the Perswayssick Police arrive at Nurse Maudlyn’s 666 Van Pooop Lane residence.
Shortly thereafter, Nicki Rodriguez arrives. Detective Clover, who’s been hot on Nurse Maudlyn’s trail, informs Nicki that she no longer needs to triple-lock Gneeecey’s mansion’s basement door. Clattering and sinister laughter had been coming from down there.
SFX: [Comical Scary Clown Laughter] [Magic Spell] [Bird-Sun Conure] [Police Sirens]
CLOVER ARLO COOKIE, PI: Had to do with that weather machine in your basement. We’re pretty sure that’s why Nurse Maudlyn kidnapped Gneeecey and Sooperflea. She was desperate to gain control of that machine—literally, to find and possess the machine’s remote control. Turns out the clowns she hired had other ideas. Those two clowns aren’t talking much, but we are getting info out of ’em. Slowly, but surely. Turns out they’re twins. Named One-half and Other-Half. Brothers of that nine-foot-tall, three-armed-three-legged clown named Three.
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: And furthermore, he adds….
CAC, PI: Well, those two little clowns have turned on Nurse Maudlyn. That’s what happens when a bunch of bad guys band together. They end up fighting trying to cheat each other. Clowns implicated Doctor Frombilagonga, too. I expect we’ll be paying him a visit in the very near future.
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Wow, so it was all about that weather machine…. She had those two clowns engineer that freak whipped cream snowstorm, I’m sure, because she knew Gneeecey and Flea wouldn’t be able to resist running out there and gobbling it all up until they collapsed.
CAC, PI: And she knew they’d be taken to either of the hospitals she works at—Florence Ferguson Memorial or Holy Krapp. That would give her the opportunity to kidnap them. But her plan backfired. Gneeecey and Flea tormented her and made her life so crazy that she began to break under the stress. Never got to try and drag any information out of them concerning that weather machine. But she was great at incriminating herself.
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: And Gneeecey and Sooperflea are refusing to come out of their man caves they’d created, behind Nurse Maudlyn’s walls.
CAC, PI: C’mon, guys. Time to come on out. You’re safe now.
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: We ain’t comin’ out! We’re kidnap victims, an’ we got rights!
CAC, PI: This is a crime scene now. You’ve got to come out, now. You can’t stay.
G: We don’t wanna be held liabooble for nuthin’ we busted!
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: We hadda survive! An’ considerin’ everything she put us through, we been priddy nice. We don’t wanna be held liable for all the junk we ordered on her computer—wit’ her money, an’—
G: Shaaadup, Fleaglossitty—
CAC, PI: We already know about all that. Now, look, you’re both reasonable and—
G: No, we ain’t! We gotta negoshatrate for our rights! We got demaaaands! We don’t wanna be held responsibooble for nuthin’!
N: Guys, I’m sure we can work something out. As Grate Gizzy of Perswayssick County, I can even pardon you both, if needed.
CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
CAC, PI: Conrad and I agree with Nicki.
F: Zig, maybe we should jus’ call it a day an’ go home wit’ Nicki.
G: Here, Fleaglossitty. We’ll do a coin toss. Heads, I win. Tails, you lose. Tails—you lose!
F: Aww, c’mon, Zig. That wasn’t fair.
G: I need the bathroom.
F: Me too, Zig. But you blew up her terlit.
G: Shaaadup, Fleaglossitty! Now, us two ain’t comin’ outta here, so we need youse to bring us them two white shoes over by them steps there an’ put ’em right here in front of the lousy drapes.
F: Yeah, Nicki. Please bring us Nurse Maudlyn’s comfortable at-home shoes.
N: Okay. SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] Eeeeew—they’re all wet! Here.
G: Thanks, Ig.
F: Thanks, Nicki.
SFX: [Mud Drops x 2]
N: Okay, guys, you ready to come out now?
G: We still gotta think about it.
N: C’mon now, guys…. And, y’know, something smells really bad in here, too. Strange. Like …like….
N & F: …. Like a month-old moldy jackass burger!
G: Like a month-old moldy jackass burger!
CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
CAC, PI: Not good….
N: I don’t think it’s healthy to breathe this stuff in. I think we should all leave.
G: It’s proboobably jus’ that chemickookal—y’know, that dopey canine-humanoid obedience junk Nurse Maudlyn released into the air that didn’t work too good. I’m sure it’ll all evapooporate.
F: I dunno, Zig. My superhero ESP is makin’ me feel uneasy. I kinda agree wit’ Nicki. I think we should leave.
G: Fleaglossitty, you stinkin’ know that your lousy superhero ESP ain’t never workin’ good these days.
F: Look, Zig, ya don’t gotta get personal—
N: Guys! Guys! C’mon now. Let’s go.
CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
CAC, PI: Like I said, this is a crime scene, now.
G: An’ like I said, we are kidnap victims and we got rights. An’ we ain’t leavin’ until all our demaaaands are met.
F: Zig, maybe we should—
G: Shaaadup, Fleaglossitty.
N: Okay, Diroctor Gneeecey, so then, what are your demands?
G: Besides not wantin’ to be held liabooble for nuthin’ we busted or bought, we want some food brung in.
F: We do?
G: Shaaadup, Fleaglossitty. Now, we want some Street Spaghetti. Street Spaghetti sautéed on Hot Asphalt Mix, smothered in aged, mierk-free algae, an’ topped wit’ that grated cross-eyed cheese! That’ll help us think.
F: It will?
G: Shaaadup, Fleaglossitty. SFX: [Rumbling Stomach] Can’t stinkin’ think when my lousy stomach’s rumblin’.
CAC, PI: Okay, guys. I can call in to that great restaurant adjacent to my office. They deliver.
G: No. I want it from that new place on Vommel Dommel Drive. Two orders.
CAC, PI: Okay.
SFX: [Phone] [Magic Spell] [Hospital Room Ambience]
DOCTOR GONGILAFROMBA FROMBILAGONGA: Officer, I tink eet ees best to keep dose handcuffs on her.
NURSE MAUDLYN: Gongilafromba! I don’t believe—
DGF: Dat ees Doctor Frombilagonga to you, Nurse Maudlyn. Eeef you vould learn to behave, you vould not find yourself een such situations.
NM: I told you both, I must get back to my house—immediately! I forgot to do something critically important! It will result in disaster if you don’t! You must take me there! You must take me to my house, immediately!
POLICE OFFICER: Ma’am, the only place we’re taking you is the police station, now that Doctor Frombilagonga has cleared you medically.
DGF: Yah. I officially discharge you from Florence Ferguson Memorial.
NM: I must be taken to my house first! You don’t understand—I’ll lose everything!
DGF: You should have tought of dat before. Take her avay.
NM: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell] [Dog Eating] [Giant Burp x 2]
G: This junk’s priddy good!
F: Yeah. When we ordered from there from Nurse Maudlyn’s laptop—
G: Shaaadup, Fleaglossitty.
CAC, PI: Told you guys, we already know about all that.
CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
N: Now, Diroctor Gneeecey, we did what you wanted. You’ve had enough time to think. Now, lets’s—
G: Can’t stinkin’ think until I digest this food. SFX: [Giant Burp]
N: Well, maybe you can think better if we go outside so we can breathe in some fresh air.
CAC, PI: I agree. This odor keeps hanging in the air.
F: Somethin’ ain’t right. I jus’ feel it.
G: Shaaadup, Fleaglossitty. Your ESP don’t work. Ain’t budgin’ from here till I’m ready.
F: Zig, I mean it. Somethin’ jus’ ain’t right. I feel it! Zig!
G [over Flea]: La, la, la, I can’t hear you.
N: Oh, uh, by the way, Diroctor Gneeecey, I forgot to mention, there’s a check on my desk made out to you—
G: Ya Ig—wha’chooo doin’ wit’ a check of mine? How dare ya—
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, you left that check on my desk, in my office, which proves that you were there meddling in my affairs. My papers and classified reports had been rifled through as well. You are no longer Grate Gizzy of this county. I am.
G: Rub it in, Ig. Rub it in. Whatever ya stinkin’ say, I ain’t leavin’ till my beaudiful, gigaaantical meal digests. I can cash that check later. Tomorrow, or possiboobly the day after.
N: Well, uh, maybe not. It was issued by Stummix Bank a few days before you and Flea here were kidnapped. That check is for thirty-three zillion dollars and thirty-seven cents—and it’s void after today.
G: Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? Holy stinkin’ Saint Bogelthorpe! Ig—I need ya to take me by the house to get the check, an’ then to the bank—before it closes! C’mon, guys—let’s get outta here!
N, CAC, PI, & F: Let’s go!
G: Let’s go!
SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Explosion] [Glass Shatter] [Large Shatter Window] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
G: It’s meee, Gneeecey! Stinkin’ thanks for listenin’! An’ if you enjoy this podcast, you’ll proboobably enjoy them two books that the Ig, Vicki Solá, wrote. Y’know, that these podcast epoopisodes are based on You Can’t Unscramble the Omelet and also The Getaway That Got Away. You can find ’em both on Amazon! But don’t believe none of what she wrote ’bout meee, except if she wrote anything possiboobly good.
SFX: [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###
