Transcript / We Got Demands! – Episode 149, by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Boxed In – Latin]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “Hit Send—Fast!”, evil Nurse Maudlyn has had enough of everything and everyone, especially the two canine-humanoids she’s kidnapped and continues to hold hostage in her home, “Zig” Gneeecey and “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, also known as “Sooperflea.”
NURSE MAUDLYN: I’ll have you know that I keep a plentiful supply of the appropriate medical supplies right here in my house! Both of you dastardly canine-humanoids will watch and feel everything I do to you, but be totally paralyzed—unable to move! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! First, I’m going to release this canine-humanoid obedience chemical into the air. It won’t affect me, but it will force you to comply with my command to come out, come out, wherever you are! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! My life is becoming more miserable by the day! But that’s all about to change! I’m releasing that canine-humanoid obedience chemical into the air, right now! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
SFX: [Metal Click 4] [Barbecue Sizzle]
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Hold your nose, Zig!
NM: That won’t work, you little jerks! Come out, come out, wherever you are!
F & DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY [in unison]: No!
G: This stuff stinks like a month-old moldy jackass burger!
NM: I said, come out, come out, wherever you are! Now!
F & G [groggy, in unison]: Okay…okay….
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: Oh, looky, Fleaglossitty…. She’s holdin’ a gigaaantical hypoopodermical needle!
F: Yeah, Zig! Filled wit’ this purple fluid! I don’t like the looks of this. Y’know, in case we don’t make it outta here, I want ya to know, Zig, ya always been my best friend. Just wanna tell ya, I love ya.
G: Thanks, Fleaglossitty. I love me, too.
F: I really don’t want it all to end like this. Let’s see if we can still run!
G: Yeah, c’mon!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: We can, a little…not as faaast, but a little….
NM: Oh, so you two dastardly canine-humanoids are gonna make me chase you? I will catch you!
G: She’s comin’ at us wit’ that gigaaantical hypoopodermical needle!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
NM: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
SFX: [Cartoon Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Duck Horn]
F: She jus’ slipped in our pee an’ fell on her bimbus!
G: An’ it looks like she injected herself wit’ that gigaaantical hypoopodermical needle of hers! She’s writhing around! An’ now she’s out—like a light!
F: Who woulda thunk it? We were saved by our own pee!
G: Let’s go back in our man cave an’ regroup….
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Shortly after that, Private Investigator Beagle-humanoid Clover Arlo Cookie and his trusty assistant, sun conure parrot Conrad arrive at Nurse Maudlyn’s 666 Van Pooop Lane residence. They’ve been hot on her trail and have brought the police with them.
SFX: [Police Sirens] [Screeching Brakes] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Bird-Sun Conure]
CLOVER ARLO COOKIE, PI: Well, guys, look, door’s open. We can walk right in…. Smells kinda funny in here. Like a month-old moldy jackass burger….
SFX: [Police Sirens] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Bird-Sun Conure]
CAC, PI: And look…. There’s our prime suspect…. Looks like she won’t resist arrest, though. There she is, laying in the middle of the floor…with a hypodermic stuck in her bimbus…. SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure] C’mon guys. Like Conrad here just said, we’d better call for an ambulance. Then let’s fan out and start combing through this place. Those two have to be here, somewhere. I just hope they’re okay.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Ambulance Sirens] [Police Sirens]
CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
CAC, PI: Well, there she goes. Nurse Maudlyn’s off to Holy Krapp where she’ll remain until she’s medically cleared. Then it’s off to the police station. Paperwork pressing charges—and there are a whole bunch of charges—is already filed. If that power-hungry, scheming kidnapper thought her life was unpleasant before, she hasn’t seen anything yet.
CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
CAC, PI: Yep, exactly right, Conrad. She’ll be handcuffed and guarded the whole time she’s in the hospital. Now, thanks to that warrant just issued for the thermal imaging, we kinda know where Gneeecey and Sooperflea are, and—
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Clover! Conrad!
CAC, PI: Why, Nicki, thanks for getting over here so quickly.
N: You both are amazing—you’ve gotten to the root of everything!
CAC, PI: All in a day’s work…all in a day’s work….
N: You found out that Nurse Maudlyn was responsible for Gneeecey and Flea’s disappearances—
CAC, PI: Kidnapping….
N: Yes. And you say now there’s no need to triple-lock our basement anymore! The footsteps, creepy voices, and crashing—there’s been no more of that! It’s quiet down there, totally quiet!
CAC, PI: Yup. We arrested two small—very small—clowns as they were climbing out of one of your basement windows. Turns out they were hired by Nurse Maudlyn to create havoc and scare you guys.
N: That they certainly did.
CAC, PI: Had to do with that weather machine in your basement. We’re pretty sure that’s why Nurse Maudlyn kidnapped Gneeecey and Sooperflea. She was desperate to gain control of that machine—literally, to find and possess the machine’s remote control. Turns out the clowns she hired, had other ideas. Those two clowns aren’t talking much, but we are getting info out of ’em. Slowly, but surely. Turns out they’re twins. Named One-half and Other-Half. Brothers of that nine-foot-tall, three-armed-three-legged clown named Three.
N: Three’s a pal of Sulak, the Evil Clown of Bathrooms! And they’re all part of STEM, that nefarious gang that wants to take control of Perswayssick County. Sulak, Three, plus Gneeecey’s evil double Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay who’s been seen lately skulking around in the woods, y’know, on Street Road, and those alien, waxy-faced Markmen, are all part of STEM. I’m pretty sure Nurse Maudlyn’s in cahoots with them, too.
CAC, PI: Well, those two little clowns have turned on Nurse Maudlyn. That’s what happens when a bunch of bad guys band together. They end up fighting trying to cheat each other. Clowns implicated Doctor Frombilagonga, too. I expect we’ll be paying him a visit in the very near future.
N: Wow, so it was all about that weather machine…. She had those two clowns engineer that freak whipped cream snowstorm, I’m sure, because she knew Gneeecey and Flea wouldn’t be able to resist running out there and gobbling it all up until they collapsed.
CAC, PI: And she knew they’d be taken to either of the hospitals she works at—Florence Ferguson Memorial or Holy Krapp. That would give her the opportunity to kidnap them.
But her plan backfired. Gneeecey and Flea tormented her and made her life so crazy that she began to break under the stress. Never got to try and drag any information out of them concerning that weather machine. But she was great at incriminating herself.
N: Well, now the question is, where are Gneeecey and Flea?
G: Youse two, stop stinkin’ talkin’ ’bout us like we ain’t even here! Fleaglossitty, I told ya that lousy remote control I flushed down the terlit had nuthin’ to do wit’ my weather machine an’ all them crazy storms! That remote I flushed was for somethin’ else that’s much more critickookally important. I’ll tell ya all ’bout it one day, an’—
F: Quiet, Zig! They’ll find us!
CAC, PI: We know you guys are hiding inside the walls down here. Thermal imaging detected you both.
G: Hey—ain’t it against the law to use teckooknology like that wit’out permission?
F: Quiet, Zig! They’ll find us!
G: They awready stinkin’ know we’re here, Fleaglossitty.
CAC, PI: Diroctor Gneeecey, a search warrant was issued for us to enter this house, and another warrant was just issued to employ this technology. C’mon out, guys. We know what you two have been up to.
N: Please. Diroctor Gneeecey…and Flea…we’ve been worried sick about you both! C’mon out. Please. Let’s go home, now. Grandma and Doctor Idnas are so worried about you, too.
CAC, PI: C’mon, guys. Time to come on out. You’re safe now.
G: We ain’t comin’ out! We’re kidnap victims, an’ we got rights!
CAC, PI: This is a crime scene now. You’ve got to come out, now. You can’t stay.
G: We don’t wanna be held liabooble for nuthin’ we busted!
F: We hadda survive! An’ considerin’ everything she put us through, we been priddy nice. We don’t wanna be held liable for all the junk we ordered on her computer—wit’ her money, an—
G: Shaaadup, Fleaglossitty—
CAC, PI: We already know about all that. Now, look, you’re both reasonable and—
G: No, we ain’t! We gotta negoshatrate for our rights! We got demaaaands! We don’t wanna be held responsibooble for nuthin’!
N: Guys, I’m sure we can work something out. As Grate Gizzy of Perswayssick County, I can even pardon you both, if needed.
CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
CAC, PI: Conrad and I agree with Nicki.
F: Zig, maybe we should jus’ call it a day an’ go home wit’ Nicki.
G: Here, Fleaglossitty. We’ll do a coin toss. Heads, I win. Tails, you lose. Tails—you lose!
F: Aww, c’mon, Zig. That wasn’t fair.
G: I need the bathroom.
F: Me too, Zig. But you blew up her terlit.
G: Shaaadup, Fleaglossitty! Now, us two ain’t comin’ outta here, so we need youse to bring us them two white shoes over by them steps there an’ put ’em right here in front of the lousy drapes.
F: Yeah, Nicki. Please bring us Nurse Maudlyn’s comfortable at-home shoes.
N: Okay. SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] Eeeeew—they’re all wet! Here.
G: Thanks, Ig.
F: Thanks, Nicki.
SFX: [Mud Drops x 2]
N: Okay, guys, you ready to come out now?
G: We still gotta think about it.
SFX: [Rock Logo] [Magic Spell]
G: It’s meee, Gneeecey! Stinkin’ thanks for listenin’! An’ if you enjoy this podcast, you’ll proboobably enjoy them two books that the Ig, Vicki Solá, wrote. Y’know, that these podcast epoopisodes are based on You Can’t Unscramble the Omelet and also The Getaway That Got Away. You can find ’em both on Amazon! But don’t believe none of what she wrote ’bout meee, except if she wrote anything possiboobly good.
SFX: [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###
