Transcript / Hit "Send"—Fast! – Episode 148, by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “Detective Clover is Closing In,” kidnapped canine-humanoids “Zig” Gneeecey and “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, also known as “Sooperflea,” accidentally blew up their captor Nurse Maudlyn’s newly installed toilet—(the one that replaced the one they’d previously blown up) ….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Flushing the Toilet] [Explosion] [Dish Ceramic] [Glass Shatter] [Water Splash]
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Oh, boy, Zig—what did ya jus’ do?
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Whaddaya mean, Fleaglossitty?
F: This mornin’, after this new terlit was installed, Nurse Maudlyn stomped outta here yellin’ she hadda go to work even though she ain’t got no jobs no more ’cause she resigned from them by mistake. She was priddy mad an’ now looky what’cha did—ya jus’ blew up her new terlit!
G: I didn’t do nuthin’! All I stinkin’ did was flush it!
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: So, to relieve themselves, only one choice remained ….
G: An’, now, we’ll jus’ hafta keep usin’ her comfortable at-home shoes. Y’know, her new ones.
F: Yeah. I think she left ’em down at the bottom of the stairs, y’know, in the livin’ room. She was kinda weird this mornin’.
G: Yeah. C’mon.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkDownstairs]
G: Here, Fleaglossitty. You take her right shoe an’ I’ll take her left one.
SFX: [Mud Drops x2] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: And while downstairs, the two heard a mysterious clown-voiced caller leaving Nurse Maudlyn a voicemail message on her landline, threatening to expose some of her misdeeds.
Realizing that everything in Nurse Maudlyn’ life was going badly, Gneeecey and Flea ran upstairs to her bedroom and ordered her some self-help books—not really for her sake, but for their own. If she does some reading, she might give up trying to kill them, they reason.
Nurse Maudlyn returned home that evening, only to find that pesky Beagle-humanoid private investigator Clover Arlo Cookie and his trusty assistant, sun conure parrot Conrad waiting on her doorstep—again. The persistent detective informed Nurse Maudlyn that her neighbors reported hearing lots of noise coming from her property, possibly an explosion of some sort. He also spots some items sitting on her steps.
CLOVER ARLO COOKIE, PI: Oh, look, a bunch of books were delivered to you here—look over there on your steps.
NURSE MAUDLYN: I didn’t order anything!
CAC, PI: Five of them. And each one’s wrapped individually in clear shrink wrap. Hmmm… How to Avoid Being Blackmailed by Clowns…and What to Do When You Accidentally Quit Both Your Jobs. Only a total fool would do something like that. SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
NM: I beg your pardon!
CAC, PI: I said, only a total fool would do something like that. And here’s another interesting title… Psychological Effects of Being a Kidnapper. Oh, and What to Do When Your New Toilet Explodes… here’s the last one… How to Be Nicer to Kidnap Victims Livin’ in Your Home. I’m not really much of a reader, but these books look very interesting…. Very, very interesting. You mind if I take pictures of ’em with my phone? I’d like to show them to my wife.
NM: I did not order these books, you will take no pictures, and, I am not a criminal! Now, I have to—
CAC, PI: Ma’am, who said anything about anyone being a criminal? Sounds like your life is going pretty badly these days, huh?
NM: Good night!
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: As she opens her front door, persistent Detective Clover adds….
SFX: [DoorUnlockLockKeys x3] [Door Open]
CAC, PI: Oh, and did that stuff work?
NM: What?
CAC, PI: That horse manure stain remover you got delivered here yesterday. Did it get the stains out of your nurse’s uniform? My wife hates stains, and so do I—
NM: I said, good night!
SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure] [Door Slam] [Sneakers Squeaking]
NM: Oh, I must’ve left my comfortable at-home shoes here by the living room stairs this morning, after I cleaned them.… My feet are killing me. I’m going to put them on right now.
SFX: [Water Splash]
NM: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
G: Heh hah, heh haah!
F: Quiet, Zig!
NM: Where’s that coming from?
G: Heh hah, heh haah!
F: Shut up, Zig! She’s gonna try an’ kill us again!
NM: And look at this—you made me spill that canine-humanoid pee you made in my comfortable at-home shoes all over my lovely wooden floor! I’ll clean it up later! This time, I swear I’m going to find you two dastardly canine-humanoids! And when I do, I’m going to inject you with something that will render you absolutely helpless until I decide upon the best way to dispose of you—permanently! Without leaving behind any incriminating evidence!
SFX: [Fail Horn]
G: Oh, stinkin’ noooo!
F: Quiet, Zig! She ain’t kiddin’!
NM: That’s right. I’ll have you know that I keep a plentiful supply of the appropriate medical supplies right here in my house! Both of you dastardly canine-humanoids will watch and feel everything I do to you, but be totally paralyzed—unable to move! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I’m going upstairs right now to get what I need!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkUpstairs] [Door Open]
NM: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! My beautiful new toilet—the one I just had installed this morning! I’m going to take care of those two dastardly canine-humanoids for good!
F: Uh-oh, she’s really mad, now! I told ya she’d be mad that ya blew up her new terlit!
G: I stinkin’ didn’t do it on purpoopose—it was a lousy accident! Now, listen, Fleaglossitty, she can’t kill us if she can’t find us!
F: Then you need to shut up!
G: Stinkin’ whatever!
F: Listen, Zig…in case, y’know, we don’t make it outta here, we should go to our own computer here in our mancave right now an’ write Nicki a email, apologizin’ for makin’ her worry ’bout us, an’ tellin’ her we love her, Doctor Idnas, an’ Graaandma.
G: Yeah, Fleaglossitty, that’s proboobably the right thing to do. But I still say, evil ol’ Nurse Maudlyn can’t kill us if she can’t stinkin’ find us!
F: Should I let Nicki know where we are, Zig?
G: I dunno, Fleaglossitty. Jus’ start typin’.
F: Okay….
SFX: [Computer Keyboard] [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkDownstairs]
NM: Okay, you two. First, I’m going to release this canine-humanoid obedience chemical into the air. It won’t affect me, but it will force you to comply with my command to come out, come out, wherever you are! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
G: Hit “send,” Fleaglossitty—quick!
SFX: [Computer Keyboard] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo] [Cuckoo Clock]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Hi Doctor Idnas, Hi Grandma. Well, here’s some good news. I’m almost afraid to say it out loud, but we haven’t heard a peep from our haunted basement all day.
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Yah, Nicki. Vhat an absolute relief!
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah. Seriously. Let’s hope eet stays dis vay!
SFX: [Electronic Button]
N: Oh, an email message on my phone here. I hope it’s from Detective Clover…no…. It’s from a weird address: “us two guys at blunderbuxx dot com” …. It says, “Dear Nicki, please don’t share this with nobody. We’re so sorry we made you worry about us so much. We love you, Doctor Idnas, and Grandma, and we want you to know….” And—and, the message cuts off right there!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
NM: You two, I’m going to release this biological chemical into the air right now—wait—my landline is flashing. Maybe that’s a message from Gongilafromba, apologizing for his behavior, and reinstating me at Florence Ferguson Memorial and Holy Krapp….
SFX: [Electronic Cash Register]
CALLER: Heya Nurse Maudlyn, you know who this is. It’s us, an’ we ain’t gonna do no more work for ya down here till ya pay us twice as much as we agreed to. Awready told ya twice last week that ya need to send us some extra dough, y’know, through your SmellMe app. If ya don’t, we might go to the authorities an’ tell ’em that you organized this whole thing an’ forced us to work for ya. We got proof we can use against ya! Have a real crummy day! G’bye! SFX: [Comical Scary Clown Laughter] [Electronic Cash Register]
NM: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
G: Looks like them self-help books ain’t helpin’ her, Fleaglossitty!
F: Quiet, Zig!
NM: Those books! They’re still outside! I’d better bring them so I can destroy them. Then that annoying Detective Clover can’t use them against me as evidence!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking]
NM: My life is becoming more miserable by the day! But that’s all about to change! I’m releasing that canine-humanoid obedience chemical into the air, right now! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
SFX: [Metal Click 4] [Barbecue Sizzle]
F: Hold your nose, Zig!
NM: That won’t work, you little jerks! Come out, come out, wherever you are!
F & G [in unison]: No!
G: This stuff stinks like a month-old moldy jackass burger!
NM: I said, come out, come out, wherever you are! Now!
F & G [groggy, in unison]: Okay…okay….
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: Oh, looky, Fleaglossitty…. She’s holdin’ a gigaaantical hypoopodermical needle!
F: Yeah, Zig! Filled wit’ this purple fluid! I don’t like the looks of this. Y’know, in case we don’t make it outta here, I want ya to know, Zig, ya always been my best friend. Just wanna tell ya, I love ya.
G: Thanks, Fleaglossitty. I love me, too.
F: I really don’t want it all to end like this. Let’s see if we can still run!
G: Yeah, c’mon!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: We can, a little…not as faaast, but a little….
NM: Oh, so you two dastardly canine-humanoids are gonna make me chase you? I will catch you!
G: She’s comin’ at us wit’ that gigaaantical hypoopodermical needle!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
NM: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
SFX: [Cartoon Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Duck Horn]
F: She jus’ slipped in our pee an’ fell on her bimbus!
G: An’ it looks like she injected herself wit’ that gigaaantical hypoopodermical needle of hers! She’s writhin’ around! An’ now she’s out—like a light!
F: Who woulda thunk it? We were saved by our own pee!
G: Let’s go back in our man cave an’ regroup….
SFX: [Police Sirens] [Screeching Brakes] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Bird-Sun Conure]
CAC, PI: Well, guys, look, door’s open. We can walk right in…. Smells kinda funny in here. Like a month-old moldy jackass burger….
SFX: [Police Sirens] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Bird-Sun Conure]
CAC, PI: And look…. There’s our prime suspect…. Looks like she won’t resist arrest, though. There she is, laying in the middle of the floor…with a hypodermic stuck in her bimbus…. But her nurse’s uniform’s really clean. Have to tell my wife, that horse manure stain remover really works…. SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure] C’mon guys. Like Conrad here just said, we’d better call for an ambulance. Then let’s fan out and start combing through this place. Those two have to be here, somewhere. I just hope they’re okay.
SFX: [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Magic Spell]
G: It’s meee, Gneeecey! Stinkin’ thanks for listenin’! An’ if you enjoy this podcast, you’ll proboobably enjoy them two books that the Ig, Vicki Solá, wrote. Y’know, that these podcast epoopisodes are based on You Can’t Unscramble the Omelet and also The Getaway That Got Away. You can find ’em both on Amazon! But don’t believe none of what she wrote ’bout meee, except if she wrote anything possiboobly good.
SFX: [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###
