Transcript / Detective Clover Is Closing In – Episode 147, by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Beagle-humanoid private investigator Clover Arlo Cookie and his trusty assistant, sun conure parrot Conrad are hot on evil Nurse Maudlyn’s trail. Her kidnap victims “Zig” Gneeecey and “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, also known as “Sooperflea,” seem to be having the last laugh, though, hiding behind her walls in the mancaves they’ve created, messing up her house, ordering expensive items on her computer and charging them to her accounts, and relieving themselves in her comfortable “at-home” shoes. Making matters worse, a frenzied Nurse Maudlyn accidentally resigns from her jobs at Florence Ferguson Memorial and Holy Krapp. Could her life possibly get any worse? Proboobably, as Gneeecey would say….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Flushing the Toilet] [Explosion] [Dish Ceramic] [Glass Shatter] [Water Splash]
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Oh, boy, Zig—what did ya jus’ do?
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Whaddaya mean, Fleaglossitty?
F: This mornin’, after this new terlit was installed, Nurse Maudlyn stomped outta here yellin’ she hadda go to work even though she ain’t got no jobs no more ’cause she resigned from them by mistake. She was priddy mad an’ now looky what’cha did—ya jus’ blew up her new terlit!
G: I didn’t do nuthin’! All I stinkin’ did was flush it!
F: But ya poured somethin’ in first!
G: It was kinda dirty so I jus’ thought I’d clean it, an’ so I poured some stuff in from that there bottle—an’ when I flushed it, it exploded! Musta been some kinda chemickookal reaction!
F: Well, Zig, she’s gonna have a reaction when she sees this. She might even try an’ kill us again!
G: I ain’t scared. An’, now, we’ll jus’ hafta keep usin’ her comfortable at-home shoes. Y’know, her new ones.
F: Yeah. I think she left ’em down at the bottom of the stairs, y’know, in the livin’ room. She was kinda weird this mornin’.
G: Yeah. C’mon.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkDownstairs]
G: Here, Fleaglossitty. You take her right shoe an’ I’ll take her left one.
SFX: [Mud Drops x2] [Phone Ringing]
F: Oh, listen. Her landline is ringin’.
SFX: [Metal Click 4]
NURSE MAUDLYN’S VOICE: This is Nurse Maudlyn. I am unable to answer your call right now because I am probably working triple shifts at Florence Ferguson Memorial and Holy Krapp. Leave your name, number, and reason for calling. And don’t mumble. Mumbling makes me angrier than I already am. I hope your day is as crummy as mine.
SFX: [Electronic Cash Register]
CALLER: Heya Nurse Maudlyn, you know who this is. It’s us, an’ we ain’t gonna do no more work for ya down here till ya pay us twice as much as we agreed to. Awready told ya twice last week that ya need to send us some extra dough, y’know, through your SmellMe app. If ya don’t, we might go to the authorities an’ tell ’em that you organized this whole thing an’ forced us to work for ya. We got proof we can use against ya! Have a real crummy day! G’bye! SFX: [Comical Scary Clown Laughter] [Electronic Cash Register]
G: Wowzickles, Fleaglossitty! Her life really is goin’ baaad!
F: Yeah, Zig. Let’s go upstairs to her computer an’ order her some self-help books. Might help her to try not to kill us again!
G: Good idea, if I say so myself! C’mon, Fleaglossitty!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkUpstairs] [Door Open]
F: Here’s her laptop, on that chair under all them clothes.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Computer Keyboard]
F: Let’s see…books…self-help books….
SFX: [Computer Keyboard]
G: Looky, that one looks interesticatin’! How to Avoid Bein’ Blackmailed by Clowns!
F: Okay, we’ll get that one. An’ this one, too—What to Do When You Accidentally Quit Both Your Jobs.
G: An’ get this one too—Psyckookological Effects of Bein’ a Kidnapper! An’ How to Be Nicer to Kidnap Victims Livin’ in Your Home!
F: An’, What to Do When Your New Terlit Explodes. I’ll go ahead an’ place the order.
G: An’ let’s make her life easier. Have ’em deliver each book individually wrapped in clear shrink wrap so she can decide which one to read first. An’ also have ’em leave ’em all on the steps right outside the front door.
F: Brilliant, Zig! That way she can start readin’ before she even comes into the house!
SFX: [Computer Keyboard] [Cartoon 1] [Magic Spell] [Bird-Sun Conure]
NURSE MAUDLYN: What—what are you two doing here on my doorstep again? I have nothing else to say to you!
CLOVER ARLO COOKIE, PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR: Oh, y’know, I found that pen I thought I lost—y’know, the one my wife gave me? Was in my shirt pocket the whole time. But I think last night when Conrad and I were here, SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure] I might’ve lost one of the gold cufflinks my wife gave me, y’know, for our anniversary. Twenty-fifth anniversary. She’ll be very upset with me—they were twenty-four-carat.
NM: I already told you both, I have nothing else to say to you! Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve had a very rough day, and—
CAC, PI: I’m sure you have. Oh, and, before we go, neighbors around here heard a whole lot of noise coming from around here this morning—they say it sounded like an explosion of some sort.
NM: Well, that’s ridiculous, isn’t it?
CAC, PI: Is it, ma’am? Oh, look, a bunch of books were delivered to you here—look over there on your steps.
NM: I didn’t order anything!
CAC, PI: Five of them. And each one’s wrapped individually in clear shrink wrap. Hmmm… How to Avoid Being Blackmailed by Clowns…and What to Do When You Accidentally Quit Both Your Jobs. Only a total fool would do something like that. SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
NM: I beg your pardon!
CAC, PI: I said, only a total fool would do something like that. And here’s another interesting title… Psychological Effects of Being a Kidnapper. Oh, and What to Do When Your New Toilet Explodes… here’s the last one… How to Be Nicer to Kidnap Victims Living in Your Home. I’m not really much of a reader, but these books look very interesting…. Very, very interesting. You mind if I take pictures of ’em with my phone? I’d like to show them to my wife.
NM: I did not order these books, you will take no pictures, and, I am not a criminal! Now, I have to—
CAC, PI: Ma’am, who said anything about anyone being a criminal? Sounds like your life is going pretty badly these days, huh?
NM: Good night!
SFX: [DoorUnlockLockKeys x3] [Door Open]
CAC, PI: Oh, and did that stuff work?
NM: What?
CAC, PI: That horse manure stain remover you got delivered here yesterday. Did it get the stains out of your nurse’s uniform? My wife hates stains, and so do I—
NM: I said, good night!
SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure] [Door Slam] [Sneakers Squeaking]
NM: Oh, I must’ve left my comfortable at-home shoes here by the living room stairs this morning, after I cleaned them.…My feet are killing me. I’m going to put them on right now.
SFX: [Water Splash]
NM: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
G: Heh hah, heh haah!
F: Quiet, Zig!
NM: Where’s that coming from?
SFX: [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
G: It’s meee, Gneeecey! Stinkin’ thanks for listenin’! An’ if you enjoy this podcast, you’ll proboobably enjoy them two books that the Ig, Vicki Solá, wrote. Y’know, that these podcast epoopisodes are based on You Can’t Unscramble the Omelet and also The Getaway That Got Away. You can find ’em both on Amazon! But don’t believe none of what she wrote ’bout meee, except if she wrote anything possiboobly good.
SFX: [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###
