Transcript / The Piddle Brothers – Episode 146, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo] [Cuckoo Clock] [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Hi, Doctor Idnas. Hi, Grandma.
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Hello, Nicki. You look very tired.
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIB, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah, Nicki, you look like you’ve had a long day, even though eet ees still morning.
N: Yesterday was a long day. Running this county is exhausting. I was downtown checking on the demolition of those condemned buildings damaged by those ten-foot-tall kanga-dyno-roos that Gneeecey invented. And also keeping tabs on our growing population of waxy-faced Markmen aliens.
DI: Dey are creepy. Dose vividly colored eyeballs of deirs look supernatural.
N: Yes, Doctor Idnas. And this morning, I received word there have been sightings of Gneeecey’s evil double, Ebegneeezer Gesundheit Eeeceygnay…. in the woods, y’know, on Street Road.
IS: Oh dear, I vunder eef he intends to take advantage of dee fact dat Gneeecey ees missing.
N: I don’t think he knows. We’ve kept that pretty quiet. But I’m sure he’s up to no good. As usual. I really, really wish we’d hear from Clover.
IS: Yah, vee are all vurried sick about Gneeecey and Flea.
DI: And vee need to know vhat ees going on in dee basement down dere, too.
N: The phone’s flashing—there’s a voice message on our landline!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Metal Cliuck 4] [Electronic Cash Register] [Bird-Sun Conure]
N: It’s Conrad! Grandma, can you translate?
IS: Yah. He says dat he and Clover tink dey are closing een on a suspect regarding dee disappearance of Gneeecey and Flea. He believes dey have been active online. And he also advises us to keep dee basement door triple-locked. He says dey vill be een touch vary soon.
N: Thank you, Grandma! This is such encouraging news! I can’t wait to see their furry faces again! I’d give the world—or wherever this is—to hear Gneeecey call me “Ig” again.
DI: Yah, vee miss dem so much! Dis whole ting has been a nightmare!
IS: Vee need all dee good news vee can get!
N: Well, do you wanna hear some more good news?
DI & IS [in unison]: Yah!
N: The evil clowns—y’know, Sulak, the evil clown of bathrooms, and his sidekick Three, that nine-foot-tall, three-armed, three-legged joker—there have been no sightings reported in weeks! The clowns have been pretty quiet lately.
SFX: [FootstepsGravel] [Metal Crash 1] [Metal Crash 3] [Comical Scary Clown Laughter]
DI: Oh, dear!
N: Except for these clowns or whoever’s down there in our basement.
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, across town, at 666 Van Pooop Lane, kidnapped canine-humanoids Gneeecey and Flea continue to be held hostage by evil Nurse Maudlyn.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Looky up there at the front door, Fleaglossitty! Nurse Maudlyn’s so messed up that she forgot to stinkin’ triple-lock us in!
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Yeah, Zig. I think last night, that visit from that private investigator Clover Arlo Cookie an’ his assistant Conrad really got to her. We can hear a lot from our mancave inside the walls behind the drapes here.
G: That Beagle-humanoid an’ his bird are closin’ in on her. She got particularly maaad when he mentioned them stains on her nurse’s uniform that she got from havin’ to move all them beaudiful six-hundred-pound bags of horse manure we ordered so she could get into her own house.
F: That Clover did mention that there were a buncha weird emails bein’ sent from an IP address from around here. Ya think he’s on to us?
G: Nah, Fleaglossitty. He proboobably thinks it’s her ’cause she’s weird. We ain’t.
F: Y’know, Zig, we could jus’ leave right now. Front door ain’t locked.
G: Nah, Fleaglossitty. We ain’t ready to leave. An’ besides, we gotta mackooksomize our time here. Everything we need an’ want is paid for. True, we gotta hide when she comes home, but all in all, it’s a free ride. We ain’t payin’ for nuthin’. An’ no one’s botherin’ us. It’s great—nobody knows where we are. Plus, since the Ig is now Grate Gizzy, I don’t gotta deal wit’ Perswayssick County’s problems no more. It’s all on her.
F: Don’cha miss Nicki? An’ Grandma, an’ Doctor Idnas?
G: Yeah. Kinda. But we got a real good situation here. We can do whatever we want an’ buy whatever we want. Do you really wanna leave all the nice junk we got here in our mancave? Our TVs, our computer, our new furniture, an’ deckookerations?
F: Not really, Zig. I suppose you’re right. An’ besides, I can’t even try an’ make up wit’ Prindl ’cause I saw online on BimbusSpace that she’s on vacation in Booolabeeezia. An’ your former fiancée Goonafina Blopperdang—that’s a lost cause, an’ besides, she’s still back on Planet Eccchs, in a different dimension, an’—
G: Shaddup, Fleaglossitty, if ya know what’s good for ya!
F: Sorry, Zig. I’ll change the subject an’ ask ya a nonrelated question. Back home, when ya flushed that remote control down the terlit an’ got so upset, I’m still wonderin’ if that remote was for your weather machine, y’know, down in our basement.
G: That wasn’t a askin’ question, Fleaglossitty. It was a regoogoolar sentence. Ya should know by now that I only answer askin’ questions.
F: Okay, Zig. Back home, when ya flushed that remote control down the terlit an’ got so upset, was that the remote for your weather machine, y’know, down in our basement?
G: That was a propooper askin’ question. An’ for the zillionth time, Fleaglossitty, it was not.
F: The weather’s been pretty crazy, Zig.
G: That stinkin’ remote I ackookcidentally flushed down the terlit was not for my lousy weather machine, which has remained dormant for years. The loss of that special remote control is much more horribooble—it’s for somethin’ extremely critickookally secret. An’ I ain’t ready to talk ’bout it ’cause I’m still processicatin’ its loss.
F: Okay, Zig. Let’s go in her kitchen an’ brew us some of that nice, bitter Freak O’Nature Merk Perk Coffee.
G: Yeah. The coffee that ya gotta eat wit’ a knife an’ fork. C’mon, Fleaglossitty.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Barbecue Sizzle] [Bang] [CanTin] [CanMetalTin] [Glass Shatter] [Splash Water] [Dish Ceramic] [Blow on Table] [Metal Crash 1] [Metal Crash 3] [Dog Eating] {Giant Burp x 2]
G: That tasted extra good!
F: Let’s go upstairs an’ order somethin’ on her computer!
G: Yeah! C’mon! Where else could we get away wit’ doin’ junk like this?
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkUpstairs] [Computer Keyboard]
F: Looky, Zig! Squiggleman’s also sells Horse Manure Stain Remover. Y’know, for them stains Detective Clover said she had on her nurse’s uniform?
G: Yeah! Says it’s quarantined to be delivered wit’in a half hour. Let’s have ’em leave it on her front steps. We don’t want it comin’ down the chimney here. Might have some dangerousical chemickookals in it.
F: Good thinkin’, Zig. SFX: [Computer Keyboard] Now that that’s done, I gotta use the bathroom.
G: Me too.
F: Let’s use her new comfortable at-home shoes again.
G: Yeah, might stinkin’ teach her she needs to install a new terlit. She got the mon-ney.
SFX: [Mud Drops x 2] [Magic Spell] [Boing] [Comedy Boing] [DoorLockUnlockKeys]
NURSE MAUDLYN: What the—it’s like I’m locked out of my own house—those two little—wait—I was so upset this morning that I forgot to lock them in—so I’ve actually done it now! My luck, with this freak storm! Springs are bouncing off my throbbing head!
SFX: [Comedy Boing]
CLOVER ARLO COOKIE, PI: I see you’re having some trouble there. You seem nervous.
CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
NM: What are you two doing here again?
CAC, PI: Real strange weather pattern, huh? Springs bouncin’ outta the sky?
NM: Whatever. These things happen.
CAC, PI: You seem to know a lot about the weather, don’t you?
CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
NM: I asked you before. Why are you here?
CAC, PI: Lost my good pen last night. Thought it might be here. Wife gave it to me. She’ll be really upset with me…. Oh look, you got a package. From Squiggleman’s. Says here on it, Horse Manure Stain Remover.
NM: I didn’t order anything! Why, those two piddle brothers—I’ll kill them—
CAC, PI: What’s that?
NM: Nothing!
SFX: [Door Slam] [DoorLockUnlockKeys]
NM: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! This is the icing on the cake! Wait till I find those dastardly canine-humanoids! And I’m gonna show that Gongilafromba a thing or two as well! I’ve had it!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkUpstairs]
NM: I am going to write an email to Gongilafromba just to get all this out of my system, and then I’ll delete it! SFX: [Computer Keyboard]
NM: I wrote, “Dear Doctor Gongilafromba Frombilagonga, I am sick and tired of you not appreciating all I do at Florence Ferguson Memorial and Holy Krapp. I am disgusted by the way you treat me and how you are ignoring me these days! And I know about that other woman, too! Stop sending me thirty-foot garden statues mad of tires and those six-hundred-pound bags of horse manure. This will hurt you more than it will me, I’m sure,” sarcasm, sarcasm, “but I hereby tender my resignation formally from my duties at both Florence Ferguson Memorial and Holy Krapp. Yes, you heard me, both! Worst wishes, Nurse Maudlyn.”
SFX: [Computer Keyboard]
NM: Oh nooooo! I just hit “send” instead of delete! I need these jobs! Aaaaaaaaaaah!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell
G: It’s meee, Gneeecey! Stinkin’ thanks for listenin’! An’ if you enjoy this podcast, you’ll proboobably enjoy them two books that the Ig, Vicki Solá, wrote. Y’know, that these podcast epoopisodes are based on You Can’t Unscramble the Omelet and also The Getaway That Got Away. You can find ’em both on Amazon! But don’t believe none of what she wrote ’bout meee, except if she wrote anything possiboobly good.
SFX: [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###
