Transcript / Nurse Maudlyn’s New Shoes – Episode 145, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “More Fun at Her Expense,” Beagle-humanoid Private Eye Clover Arlo Cookie and his trusty assistant, sun conure parrot Conrad, have, at Nicki Rodriguez’s request, arrived at Gneeecey’s mansion to check out what may be causing all the commotion in the basement, and also to try and get a lead on finding missing canine-humanoids “Zig” Gneeecey and “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, also know as “Sooperflea”….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
CLOVER ARLO COOKIE, PI: Okay, Nicki, could you unlock that basement door for us?
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Will do…. And, uh, that monstrous metallic spiked thing down there that looks kinda like a combination horse and porcupine—it’s a weather machine that, uh, Gneeecey invented.
CAC, PI: Very interesting…. Confirms one of my hunches….
SFX: [DoorLockUnlockKey x 3] [Metal Door Open]
CAC, PI: Okay, c’mon, Conrad. Let’s go.
CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Metal Crash 1] [Metal Crash 3] [Bird-Sun Conure] [Dog-Beagle]
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIB, AKA “GRANDMA”: Eet appears dey may have found someting of interest down dere.
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Bird-Sun Conure] [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkUpstairs] [Metal Door Open]
CAC, PI: Yup, what we found down there sure does confirm my theory….
N: Would you care to elaborate on that, Clover?
CAC, PI: I will when the time’s right, Nicki. Got a little legwork to do first. Just keep that basement door triple-locked till I tell you otherwise—for your own safety.
N: But—but—
CAC, PI: I know it’s unnerving, but you’ll be okay if you just follow my instructions. We’ll let ourselves out.
CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Slam]
IS: I do believe dat I understood Conrad to say dat dey are going to be paying somevun a visit.
SFX: [Big Band Logo] [Cinematic Boom A] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, across town, at 666 Van Pooop Lane…. Kidnapped canine-humanoids Gneeecey and Sooperflea had, from Nurse Maudlyn’s laptop computer, ordered twenty six hundred pound bags of horse manure from Squiggleman’s Hardware, with instructions to pile half the shipment up against her front door and the other half against her back door. They’d also sent her a gift card via text. Soon afterward, Nurse Maudlyn returned home after another bad day working triple shifts at Florence Ferguson Memorial and Holy Krapp….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Screeching Brakes] [Sneakers Squeaking]
NURSE MAUDLYN: What the—my front door is completely blocked! I can’t get into my own house! And what’s this? A text message? “Dear Nurse Maudlyn, it is I, your lover boy Gongilafromba. So sorry about this morning. She means nothing to me. This lovely gift symboobolizes our wonderfoofal relationship.” Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Boy, Fleaglossitty, she was in a real stinkin’ baaad mood this mornin’ when she was leavin’ for work, wasn’t she?
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Yeah, Zig. Stinkin’ was right. I guess movin’ all them six hundred pound bags of horse manure so she could get in the house got her in a bad mood.
G: Guess she didn’t appreciate our thoughtful gift card from Doctor Frombilagonga, either. Y’know, Fleaglossitty, I wonder, if she wants to get information outta us, why would she try an’ kill us?
F: I dunno, Zig. I really dunno. I think she must got some kinda personality disorder. Y’know, the minds of killers are strange. Who knows, we might wake up one mornin’ an’ find bludgeoned-to-death boxes of cereal in her sink. She could be a ax murderer.
G: Yeah. We might even find chopped-up axes in her sink one mornin’.
F: Anyways, now that she’s finally left for work, I need the bathroom.
G: Me too. C’mon.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkUpstairs] [Door Open]
F: Oh, looky! She bought herself a new pair of comfortable at-home shoes!
G: Yeah! Sparklin’ white!
F: Well, Zig, I sure ain’t gonna use that hole in the floor where her exploded terlit used to be. That’s downright uncivilized.
G: True that, Fleaglossitty. Totally uncivoovilized. We’re kidnap victims! We got rights!
F: Yeah. Considerin’ all that, we been priddy nice an’ thoughtful! An’ I ain’t gonna use her old comfortable at-home shoes that we been usin’ all this time, either.
G: Yeah. That’s so unsanitary! Let’s use her new shoes here. How ’bout a change of scenery? This time, you take her right shoe, an’ I’ll take the left one.
F: Sounds like a plan, Zig!
SFX: [Mud Drops x 2] [Magic Spell] [DoorLockUnlock x 3] [Door Open] [Squeaking Sneakers] [Door Slam] [Squeaking Sneakers]
NM: Another horrible day of triple shifts at Florence Ferguson Memorial and Holy Krapp. And Gongilafromba won’t even see me. I want answers! I’m worn out from moving all those bags of horse manure!
SFX: [Doorbell Ring]
NM: Who could be coming here this late? I’m not expecting anyone.
SFX: [Doorbell Ring]
NM: Coming! Coming!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open]
NM: Hello. Who are you, and what do you want?
CAC, PI: Nurse Maudlyn?
NM: Yes?
CAC, PI: Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Private Investigator Clover Arlo Cookie, and this is my assistant, Conrad.
CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
NM: Well, what do you want?
CAC, PI: Just wanted to let you know there’s some strange things going on. A little birdie tells me that there’s been a whole lot of weird emails being sent from an IP address from around here.
CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
NM: Well, if you knew anything about law enforcement, you must know that an IP address cannot be used to identify a criminal.
CAC, PI: Oh, ma’am, who’s calling anyone a criminal?
NM: I’m sure you haven’t gotten a subpoena!
CAC, PI: You seem to know a lot about stuff like this.
NM: Not really. Now, I’m busy and—
CAC, PI: We were just passing by to, y’know, make sure everything’s alright.
NM: Well, it is, and like I said, I’m busy! Good night!
SFX: [Door Slam] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Doorbell Ring]
NM: Now, what?
SFX: [Doorbell Ring]
NM: Coming! Coming!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open]
CAC, PI: Oh, and, uh, you’ve got some stains on your nurse’s uniform there. Thought you’d wanna know.
CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
SFX: [Door Slam]
NM: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
SFX: [Big Band Logo] [Cinematic Boom A] [Magic Spell]
G: It’s meee, Gneeecey! Stinkin’ thanks for listenin’! An’ if you enjoy this podcast, you’ll proboobably enjoy them two books that the Ig, Vicki Solá, wrote. Y’know, that these podcast epoopisodes are based on You Can’t Unscramble the Omelet and also The Getaway That Got Away. You can find ’em both on Amazon! But don’t believe none of what she wrote ’bout meee, except if she wrote anything possiboobly good.
SFX: [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###
