Transcript / More Fun at Her Expense – Episode 144, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “Street Spaghetti,” ….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
CLOVER ARLO COOKIE, PI: Now, I assure you, we will find former Grate Gizzy Gneeecey and Sooperflea. Don’t you worry—Conrad and I will get to the bottom of this.
CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure] & CAC, PI: SFX: [Beagle Howl]
CAC, PI: And Nicki, speaking of the strange weather pattern we’ve been experiencing here in Perswayssick County, I have a real hunch that this, plus the strange noises in your basement and Gneeecey’s and Sooperflea’s disappearances, are all related.
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Really?
CAC, PI: In fact, Nicki, I’m going to ask you to hold off on hiring a cleanout company to empty that noisy basement of yours until we can go down ourselves and check it out. We don’t want to disturb any evidence or let loose any criminals who might be hiding down there.
N: It is creepy, all that cacophony and sinister laughter coming from down there.
CAC, PI: I know. For now, just keep that door to the basement triple-locked. We’ll schedule a visit as soon as possible. Conrad will give you a call.
C: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
SFX: [Magic Spell]
N: Clover, Conrad, thank you so much for coming by so soon to check out our basement here.
C: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
CAC, PI: My pleasure, Nicki. Made it a priority. Us good folks here in Perswayssick County—canine-humanoids and humans alike—hafta stick together. And by the way, that Street Spaghetti sautéed on Hot Asphalt Mix, smothered in aged, mierk-free algae, topped with grated cross-eyed cheese that you paid us with, and the Sloggenberry pie, were absolutely delicious! SFX: [Beagle Howl]
C: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
CAC, PI: And Conrad here agrees!
N: Private Investigator Clover Arlo Cookie, I’d like you and Conrad to meet my fellow housemates, Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas, and therapist Ingabore Scriblig, also known as “Grandma.”
CAC, PI: Doctor Idnas, Ms. Scriblig, pleased to meet you.
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Pleased to meet you, as vell. And please call me Grandma.
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: And please, feel free to call me Alexandra.
CAC, PI: And you guys, please call me Clover.
DI: You know, Clover, we’ve all been vun happy family under dis roof until our dear Gneeecey and Sooperflea vent missing after dat freak vhipped cream storm vee had.
IS: Yah! And dee intermittent commotion coming from dis basement ees downright terrifying!
CAC, PI: Well, don’t you worry, Grandma and Alexandra. As I told Nicki, we’re gonna get to the bottom of this.
C: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
IS: And Conrad here agrees. Says dat’s a fact!
CAC, PI: You understand Conrad? I thought only I did.
IS: Oh, yah, I do understand him. Back on our Planet Eccchs, I studied many languages.
CAC, PI: That’s really commendable.
IS: Vhy, tank you, Clover.
CAC, PI: Well, Conrad and I had better go down and check that basement. Nicki, could you take our matching trench coats and Sherlock Holmes hats here?
N: Sure. These are very stylish!
CAC, PI: Why, thank you. Hadda have Conrad’s trench coat specially tailored. Hat was easier to find.
C: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
CAC, PI: Okay, Nicki, could you unlock that basement door for us?
N: Will do…. And, uh, that monstrous metallic spiked thing down there that looks kinda like a combination horse and porcupine—it’s a weather machine that, uh, Gneeecey invented.
CAC, PI: Very interesting…. Confirms one of my hunches….
SFX: [DoorLockUnlockKey x 3] [Metal Door Open]
CAC, PI: Okay, c’mon, Conrad. Let’s go.
CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Metal Crash 1] [Metal Crash 3] [Bird-Sun Conure] [Dog-Beagle]
IS: Eet appears dey may have found someting of interest down dere.
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, across town, at 666 Van Pooop Lane, kidnapped canine-humanoids Gneeecey and Sooperflea are thoroughly enjoying making their already miserable evil captor Nurse Maudlyn’s life even more miserable. In short, they’re having more fun at her expense. They’d thwarted her efforts to poison them with the little brown balls imprinted with skulls and crossbones she’d left on the floor.
SFX: [Magic Spell]
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: We can raid her refrigerator later. Let’s run upstairs an’ flush these little poison balls.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Human Walk Upstairs] [Door Open] [Marbles into Jar] [Splash Water] [Flushing the Toilet] [Explosion] [Glass Shatter] [Dish Ceramic] [Sneakers Squeaking]
F: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe! Her terlit jus’ blew up!
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: A chemikookal reaction! From now on, we’ll both hafta relieve ourselves in her comfortable at home shoes.
F: Yeah. C’mon. Don’t know about you, but I gotta go. SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: You take her left shoe. I’ll take her right shoe. SFX: [Mud Drops] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: And Nurse Maudlyn’s had another terrible day. Not only has she worked triple shifts at Florence Ferguson Memorial and Holy Krapp, but her cruel boss, cold heartthrob Doctor Gongilafromba Frombilagonga, has dissed her once more. After taking her frustrations out on her patients, Nurse Maudlyn returns home and falls on her bimbus twice—slipping on several of the little leftover poison balls Flea hadn’t swept up, and some Street Spaghetti Gneeecey had spilled on the floor. She finally pulls herself upright and heads upstairs.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkUpstairs]
NURSE MAUDLYN: Ah, my comfortable at home shoes! SFX: [Mud Splash] Ahhhhhhhhh! There’s some solid matter in my comfortable at home shoes! I’d better run into the bathroom to clean up! Ahhhhhhhhh! My toilet! There’s a hole in the floor where it used to be!
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Gneeecey and Flea, hidden in their mancave inside Nurse Maudlyn’s walls, sleep soundly until morning when a heated phone conversation awakens them.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Toy Piano] [Cartoon Snoring]
G [in between snores]: Oh, Goonafina, ya look so beaudiful, like ya jus’ came back from the beauty saloon!
F [in between snores]: Oh, Prindl, I’m so glad ya ain’t mad at me no more. Ya look so priddy!
NM: I’m putting you on speakerphone now, Gongilafromba SFX: [Toy Piano & Cartoon Snoring abruptly end] because I am very busy and important! Maybe not to you, but I am to many others!
DOCTOR GONGILAFROMBA FROMBILAGONGA: Nurse Maudlyn, how many times do I have to tell you? Eet’s Doctor Frombilagonga to you. Now, after dat failed pharmaceutical enterprise—you know, vit’ dee Dimeosacion—vhen your lab blew up—
NM: Our lab!
DF: Vhatever. After dat disaster vhich you precipitated by holding dat Earth girl and dat Sooperflea hostage in your home—in your lab, vhich vas so stupid of you—eet ees even more brainless for you to have abducted Gneeecey and Sooperflea and be holding dem een your house.
NM: They have answers.
DF: To vhat, I may ask?
NM: I have good reason to believe they know how to control the weather here in Perswayssick County!
DF: Dat ees ridiculous, even coming from you, Nurse Maudlyn!
NM: I think there could be something in this for both of us! It could set us up for life!
DF: After dee Dimeosacion lab blew up because of your sheer incompetence, I’ve managed to make up my losses vit’ my cryptocurrency dealings, and of course, running Florence Ferguson Memorial and Holy Krapp. Dat ees enough for me.
NM: If you don’t help me find those two dastardly canine-humanoids, I’ll have to try and kill them again. My attempt yesterday failed, but I guarantee you, I won’t fail today!
G [whispers]: Uh-oh! She still wants to kill us—
F [whispers]: Quiet, Zig!
DF: I hardly tink murder ees a good solution. Just leave your door open and let dem leave.
FEMALE [giggling]: Oh, Gongilafromba, stop!
NM: Someone’s in there with you!
FEMALE [giggling]: Oh, Gongilafromba!
NM: Who’s there with you?
DF: Dat ees none of your business, ees eet? I have to go now. Goodbye.
NM: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
SFX: [Wood Demolition Band] [Large Shatter Window] [Glass Shatter] [Bang] [Dish Ceramic] [Blow on the Table] [Fabric Tear] [Can Gin] [Metal Tin] [Comedy Boing]
F: She’s really mad!
G: Yeah! She’s wreckin’ all her own junk!
SFX: [Cartoon Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Duck Horn]
NM: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
G [whispers]: She’s so maaad, she jus’ fell on her bimbus!
SFX: [Wood Demolition Band] [Large Shatter Window] [Glass Shatter] [Bang] [Dish Ceramic]
NM: I have to go to work now, but if you two dastardly canine-humanoids can hear me, I will be back! And I am going to kill you!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Slam x 3] [DoorLockUnlockKey x 3]
G: Uh-oh—she even busted her TV!
F: Yeah. Now we’re gonna hafta watch ours! I got a idea, Zig—let’s go upstairs!
G: Stinkin’ okay, Fleaglossitty!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkUpstairs] [Door Open]
G: What’cha thinkin’, Fleaglossitty?
F: I’m thinkin’, to get her in a better mood so she’ll stop thinkin’ of killin’ us, we’ll order her a little present. Ah, here’s her laptop, under all this junk…password…Gongilafromba…. SFX: [Computer Keyboard] Now, where can we buy some horse manure?
G: Proboobably Squiggleman’s Hardware. An’ she got Squiggleman’s bookmarked.
F: Yeah. They got a nice gardenin’ section. That’s where we ordered that beaudiful thirty-foot garden monster made of truck tires—y’know, that she blew up?
G: Yeah, an’ the best part is, she’s payin’ for whatever we order.
F: True that. Looky, Zig…. They got six-hundred-pound bags of horse manure, ready to deliver.
G: Obvooviously, Fleaglossitty, them bags will be too heavy to deliver by drone. An’ too big for our chimney, anyways. Plus, we wouldn’t wanna hafta smell the stuff ourselves. So, let’s order ten bags to be delivered and piled up against her front door, an’ an equal amount to be piled up against her other entrance—her back door!
F: Zig, you are a genius!
G: I know, Fleaglossitty. I know.
SFX: [Computer Keyboard]
F: Done! Thirty-a-zillion dollars an’ sixty-seven cents, charged to her account! Generic brand—y’know, cheaper.
G: Perfoofect! Says delivery in a half-hour is quarantined! We also still got that option, like last time, of texting her a gift card to go wit’ it.
F: Let’s go for it! SFX: [Computer Keyboard] How’s this sound? “Dear Nurse Maudlyn, it is I, your lover boy Gongilafromba. So sorry about this morning. She means nothing to me.”
G: Add, “This lovely gift symboobolizes our wonderfoofal relationship.”
F: Perfect, Zig. Perfect. SFX: [Computer Keyboard] Okay, now before we run back down to our mancave to watch some TV, I gotta relieve myself. As we accidentally blew up her terlit yesterday, we’ll have to use her comfortable at-home shoes again.
G: Yeah, Fleaglossitty. You take her left shoe again. I’ll take her right shoe.
SFX: [Mud Drops] [Magic Spell] [Screeching Brakes] [Sneakers Squeaking]
NM: What the—my front door is completely blocked! I can’t get into my own house! And what’s this? A text message? “Dear Nurse Maudlyn, it is I, your lover boy Gongilafromba. So sorry about this morning. She means nothing to me. This lovely gift symboobolizes our wonderfoofal relationship.” Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
G: It’s meee, Gneeecey! Stinkin’ thanks for listenin’! An’ if you enjoy this podcast, you’ll proboobably enjoy them two books that the Ig, Vicki Solá, wrote. Y’know, that these podcast epoopisodes are based on You Can’t Unscramble the Omelet and also The Getaway That Got Away. You can find ’em both on Amazon! But don’t believe none of what she wrote ’bout meee, except if she wrote anything possiboobly good.
SFX: [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###
