Transcript / Street Spaghetti – Episode 143, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “A Gift for You,” Nicki has an appointment to meet with beagle-humanoid Private Investigator Clover Arlo Cookie to discuss finding her missing canine-humanoid housemates “Zig” Gneeecey and “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, also known as “Sooperflea.” Clover’s assistant, sun conure parrot-humanoid Conrad, has informed Nicki that she may pay in pie or in street spaghetti as their office is located right next door to a Street Spaghetti Restaurant. Seems Beagle-humanoids are opening up these specialty restaurants all over Perswayssick County.
SFX: [Magic Spell]
CLOVER ARLO COOKIE, PI: Well, Grate Gizzy Rodriguez—
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: You can call me Nicki.
CAC, PI: Well, Nicki, you sure went above and beyond here!
CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
CAC, PI: And my assistant Conrad here agrees! You’ve brought us Street Spaghetti sautéed on Hot Asphalt Mix, smothered in aged, mierk-free algae, and topped with grated cross-eyed cheese! This must’ve cost you a pretty penny, Nicki. SFX: [Beagle Howl]
N: My pleasure, Clover. I’m glad you and Conrad like it!
CONRAD: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
CAC, PI: And Conrad here is also marveling at this juicy Sloggenberry Pie you’ve brought!
N: Straight from Shisskey’s, on Murgatroyd Avenue!
CAC, PI: You’re a real class act.
N: Why, thank you. And I’m so sorry I was a few minutes late. Our county is still cleaning up after that wire hanger storm we had last night.
CAC, PI: No problem. Now, I assure you, we will find former Grate Gizzy Gneeecey and Sooperflea. Don’t you worry—Conrad and I will get to the bottom of this.
C: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure] & CAC, PI: SFX: [Beagle Howl]
CAC, PI: And Nicki, speaking of the strange weather pattern we’ve been experiencing here in Perswayssick County, I have a real hunch that this, plus the strange noises in your basement and Gneeecey’s and Sooperflea’s disappearances, are all related.
N: Really?
CAC, PI: In fact, Nicki, I’m going to ask you to hold off on hiring a cleanout company to empty that noisy basement of yours until we can go down ourselves and check it out. We don’t want to disturb any evidence or let loose any criminals who might be hiding down there.
N: It is creepy, all that cacophony and sinister laughter coming from down there.
CAC, PI: I know. For now, just keep that door to the basement triple-locked. We’ll schedule a visit as soon as possible. Conrad will give you a call.
C: SFX: [Bird-Sun Conure]
CAC, PI: In the meantime, Conrad and I are gonna have an early lunch and dive into this Street Spaghetti and Sloggenberry Pie you’ve so kindly paid us with! Would you like to join us?
N: Uh, thanks so much, but, uh, I have to get back to work. In addition to running this county, I’m overseeing operations at Gneeecey’s GAS Broadcast Network, y’know, in his absence and also watching over his mouse-humanoid Gneeezle’s employee Altitude, and that whole place.
CAC, PI: Maybe next time, then. Excuse us while we dig in.
SFX: [Dog-Beagle] [Bird-Sun Conure] [Dog Eating] [Beagle Howl] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, across town, at 666 Van Pooop Lane, kidnapped canine-humanoids Gneeecey and Sooperflea have not only made themselves at home but are having a blast complicating their evil captor Nurse Maudlyn’s already miserable life.
They’ve cooked her precious purple glitter-sprayed holiday dead rubber chicken, they’ve expanded their man cave behind her walls, they’ve poured hair remover into her shampoo bottle, they’ve spilled glue on her toilet seat—which she unwittingly sat upon after an exhausting day of multiple shifts at Florence Ferguson Memorial and Holy Krapp—and they’ve hacked into her computer, ordering food and other items that drones drop into their chimney. And much to Nurse Maudlyn’s horror, they’ve pranked her by ordering something very special for her….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkUpstairs]
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: I can smell that dead rubber chicken cookin’, all the way up here! Now, let’s dig under all her underwear an’ find that laptop of hers…. Ah, here it is…. Let’s put in her password, “Gongilafromba.”
SFX: [Computer Keyboard]
F: An’ we’re in! What should we shop for today?
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Looky, Fleaglossitty—she got Squiggleman’s Hardware bookmarked! Oh, wowsickles! Do you see them outdoor garden deckookerations there? Ain’t that thirty-foot monster made of truck tires beaudiful?
F: Yeah! It got arms an’ a scary face—wit’ big, sharp teeth! Are you thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?
G: Proboobably, Fleaglossitty! Tell me what you’re thinkin’!
F: We’ll order it right now an’ instruct them to install it right in the middle of her lawn here!
G: Yeah, we—I mean, she—can pay the extra delivery an’ set-up fees.
F: Awright! SFX: [Computer Keyboard]
G: An’ looky, Fleaglossitty—there’s an option to text her a gift card!
F: I think we’re thinkin’ the same thing, ain’t we? SFX: [Computer Keyboard] “A gift for you. To Nurse Maudlyn from your lover boy, Gongilafromba!”
G & F: [laughing]
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo] [Explosion]
F: Oh, no, Zig! Looky—out the window here!
G: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe, Fleaglossitty! That beaudiful thirty-foot lawn deckookeration we had delivered here jus’ blew up!
F: Guess she didn’t like it.
G: Well, it’s her mon-ney. Glad she left for work early. We got the house to ourselves again.
F: Yeah, Zig, remember last night she said she was gonna take matters into her own hands an’ poison us, ’cause lover boy Gongilafromba Frombilagonga ain’t helpin’ her get rid of us?
G: Yeah, Fleaglossitty, I do rememboober. Not very nice of her.
F: Well, we ain’t stupid enough to eat any of them things rollin’ around all over the floor here.
G: They look like little chockookolate marbles wit’ skull an’ crossbone symboobles on ’em.
F: They ain’t chocolate, Zig. They’re poison. We’re gonna sweep ’em all up here an’ flush ’em down the toilet upstairs.
G: Good idea, Fleaglossitty. Then she’ll think we ate ’em an’ we’re dead, an’ we can get away wit’ doin’ even more!
F: Exactly, Zig. Now, lemme sweep all these little things up. SFX: [Marbles into Jar] [Sweeping] Almost impossible to get all of ’em.
G: Yeah. They’re like slipoopery little ball bearin’s. Let’s go empty this dustpan upstairs in her toilet now. An’ speakin’ of slipoopery stuff, watch out for that Street Spaghetti I spilled all over the floor there. Street Spaghetti, sautéed on Hot Asphalt Mix, smothered in aged, mierk-free algae, an’ topped wit’ grated cross-eyed cheese! Expensive stuff, but it ain’t our money!
F: We can raid her refrigerator later. Let’s run upstairs an’ flush these little poison balls.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Human Walk Upstairs] [Door Open] [Marbles into Jar] [Splash Water] [Flushing the Toilet] [Explosion] [Glass Shatter] [Dish Ceramic] [Sneakers Squeaking]
F: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe! Her terlit jus’ blew up!
G: A chemikookal reaction! From now on, we’ll both hafta relieve ourselves in her comfortable at home shoes.
F: Yeah. C’mon. Don’t know about you, but I gotta go.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: You take her left shoe. I’ll take her right shoe.
SFX: [Mud Drops] [Magic Spell] [Hospital Room Ambience]
DOCTOR GONGILAFROMBA FROMBILAGONGA: I already told you, Nurse Maudlyn, it vas not me who sent you dat strange gift! I vould never buy you a gift.
NURSE MAUDLYN: Gongilafromba—
DF: Must I constantly remind you? Dat ees Doctor Frombilagonga to you.
NM: Well, Doctor Frombilagonga, I know it was from you!
DF: I can assure you eet vas not from me.
NM: It was, and I’ve paid to have it demolished today! That hideous thing should be all gone by the time I get home!
DF: Fine. Eet’s not my money. Again, Nurse Maudlyn, I assure you, I vould never buy you a gift. Face eet, you have an unlikely admirer who appears to have qvestionable taste. Now, eef you aren’t interested een purchasing cryptocurrency, you’d better go do your rounds here, and den get over to Holy Krapp and do dee same.
NM: Well!
DF: And here, dis ting dat looks like a dead longhaired orange hamster fell off your head.
NM: Well!
SFX: [Door Slam] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open]
NM: Time for injections, people!
SFX: [Door Open] [Male Scream 3] [Male Scream 6]
NM: Didn’t hurt me!
SFX: [Door Slam] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Scream x 2]
NM: Toughen up, you people! What are you? Soft?
SFX: [Door Slam] [Magic Spell]
TV: I don’t wanna go to the chair. I don’t wanna go to the chair. SFX: [Finale Epic Sound]
G: Another boring Earth movie. SFX: [Metal Click 4] [DoorUnlockLock]
G: Stinkin’ uh-oh! She’s home—early again!
F: Yeah! Let’s run back into our man cave!
G: An’ let’s be real quiet so she’ll think we’re real dead!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [DoorUnlockLock] [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking]
NM: Another hideous day working triple shifts at Florence Ferguson Memorial and Holy Krapp. And speaking of hideous, I see they’ve demolished that hideous thirty-foot statue that Gongilafromba sent me but said he didn’t. Hmmmm…. It’s awful quiet in here…. Most of the poison pellets I put down on the floor here before I left for work are gone. Hmmm…. No more trouble from those two dastardly canine-humanoids! Let me go upstairs and put on my comfortable at home shoes! Ahhhhhhhhh!
SFX: [Cartoon Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Duck Horn]
NM: Ow! My bimbus—it’s still sore from having to pry that glued-up toilet seat off last night! I guess these poison pellets must’ve killed those two dastardly canine-humanoids before they could eat them all. And I forgot, these pellets are like little ball bearings. Very slippery! Let me get up and try to make it upstairs again….
SFX: [Cartoon Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Duck Horn]
NM: Ahhhhhhhhh! My poor bimbus! What’s all this filthy spaghetti doing all over my floor? Let me get up and try again.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkUpstairs]
NM: Ah, my comfortable at home shoes! SFX: [Mud Splash] Ahhhhhhhhh! There’s some solid matter in my comfortable at home shoes! I’d better run into the bathroom to clean up! Ahhhhhhhhh! My toilet! There’s a hole in the floor where it used to be!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
G: It’s meee, Gneeecey! Stinkin’ thanks for listenin’! An’ if you enjoy this podcast, you’ll proboobably enjoy them two books that the Ig, Vicki Solá, wrote. Y’know, that these podcast epoopisodes are based on You Can’t Unscramble the Omelet and also The Getaway That Got Away. You can find ’em both on Amazon! But don’t believe none of what she wrote ’bout meee, except if she wrote anything possiboobly good.
SFX: [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###
