Pay With Pie

“Pay With Pie” – Episode 141

After another visit from strange, supposed Perswayssick Girls Club member Dorothy, Nicki is convinced that someone within the county police or fire departments has a big mouth. Meanwhile, across town, while the captor’s away, the kidnapped canine-humanoids will play. 

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Transcript

Transcript / Pay With Pie – Episode 141, written by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. 

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “Vanishing Act, Kind Of,” strange, stubbled-faced, supposed member of the Perswayssick Girls Club “Dorothy” comes calling, claiming he’s heard Gneeecey’s garbage dump of a basement needs to be cleaned out. He offers to “do it for real cheap.” Nicki has never trusted him. She declines his offer and makes excuses when he demands to speak with the missing Gneeecey. Who, except for the police officer who came to the house or the individual in the fire department receiving his report would know about the hazardous situation? Nicki now has good reason to believe that someone has a big mouth. She’s determined to get to the bottom of that and also find out who or what is down in Gneeecey’s cellar terrorizing her, Doctor Idnas, and Grandma. 

As newly elected Grate Gizzygalumpaggis of Perswayssick County, Nicki has a lot on her plate, but her priority is to find missing housemates Gneeecey and Sooperflea.

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Cuckoo Clock] 

DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Eet’s late, Nicki. You’ve been vurking nonstop since sunrise.

THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”:  Yah, Nicki. You should really get some rest.

NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Oh, Doctor Idnas…Grandma…. We’ve got to find Gneeecey and Flea. I asked our Vice Quality of Life Commissioner, Jacob J. Qwertyuiop if he knew of any good private investigators. Of course, I didn’t mention anything about Gneeecey or Flea being missing. We can’t have anyone know about that.

DI: True. Did Mister Qvertyuiop come up vit any promising recommendations?

N: As a matter of fact, he did. He mentioned this Clover, PI. Says he has really high ratings.

IS: Vell, he has to at least be pretty lucky, vit a name like dat! 

N: Right? I’ve already checked him out online. He’s a canine-humanoid—a beagle-humanoid, and his motto is, “Clover, PI, add an E to pay with pie.”

DI: Vary interesting. I’ve read recently dat dis ees a growing trend around here. Beagle-humanoid businesses are cropping up all over town, giving deir customers dee option to pay vit pie instead of cash or credit.

N: Thanks for the heads-up, Doctor Idnas. The more I know about this county, the more effectively I can lead. Y’know what else is kind of interesting? This Clover’s office is right next door to a restaurant called Street Spaghetti. 

IS: Street Spaghetti. Dat ees interesting. 

SFX: [Door Bell] [Door Pounds]

N: Lemme go see who’s there…. At least tin cans are no longer raining out of the sky….

DI: Nicki, eesn’t eet radder late for somevun to come calling?

N: Yeah, but I need to see who it is and what they want. 

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Bell] [Door Pounds] [Door Open] [Scary Ambience]

DOROTHY (REDHEADED BROKEN-NOSED MARK): Hi, it’s me. Dorothy. Y’know, from the Perswayssick Girls Club?

N: Uh, Dorothy. I’m really busy now.

D(RBM): Youse always say dat when I stop by.

N: Well, Dorothy, how can I help you, then?

D(RBM): Da story is, how can I help you?

N: I don’t know what you mean. Like I said, I’m really very busy right now, and—

D(RBM): A little birdie told me dat youse are lookin’ for a private investigator, heh, heh. 

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, across town, an exhausted Nurse Maudlyn returns home, dog-tired after working shifts at Florence Ferguson Memorial and Holy Krapp.

The two canine-humanoids she’s kidnapped and holds hostage in her dwelling, Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey and “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, also known as Sooperflea, have escaped from the little black box that once contained them. The two have a new hiding place. They’ve chewed a giant mousehole in the wall behind her drapes. And Gneeecey, after relieving himself in her comfortable “at home shoes,” has placed a tube of glue where Nurse Maudlyn usually keeps her toothpaste—same size, shape, and color. 

SFX: [Magic Spell]

NURSE MAUDLYN: What a terrible day! Exhausting shifts at Florence Ferguson and Holy Krapp, then crazy weather! Tin cans are literally pouring out of the sky—a big one hit me in the head! And Gongilafromba was too busy to see me to deal with our big problem—and what’s that I see? Four red high-top sneakers running around all by themselves! I’ll bet those two dastardly canine-humanoids found my jar of vanishing cream! You two, get back here! I am gonna show you a thing or two!

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: If ya can catch us! Heh hah, heh haah!

“FLEA’ FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Scatter! 

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Duck Horn]

NM: Why you! Ow—my bimbus! Who spilled all this cooking oil all over my floor? I am gonna go upstairs right now and phone Gongilafromba. He’s gonna help me put an end to all this! I’m gonna give him an ultimatum! I’m gonna make that man’s life as miserable as he makes mine!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkUpstairs]

NM: Before I call that man, I’m gonna change into my comfortable “at home” shoes. My feet are killing me! SFX: [Mud Splash] Yaaaaaah—I forgot! Y’know, I’m not even hungry. Let me go into the bathroom and brush my teeth so I can dive right into my bed after I speak with that Gongilafromba!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Human Brush]

NM: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: And, adding insult to injury, Gneeecey and Flea have dumped a large bucket of hot oatmeal in Nurse Maudlyn’s bed, at least having the decency to cover it with blankets so it’ll be warm for her to enjoy breakfast in bed. 

SFX: [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Slam]

NM: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

F: Hear that, Zig? She musta jus’ gone to bed. I hope her porridge is still warm.

G: Fleaglossitty, we better run into our new little home behind them drapes so she don’t find us!

F: Yeah. I have the feeling she’s really gonna be mad!

NM: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

SFX: [Magic Spell] 

F: Okay, Zig, we’re safe for a while—she jus’ left for work. Let’s go in the kitchen an’ cook up some breakfast. 

G: Yeah! C’mon! I’m starvin’!

SFX: [Rumbling Stomach] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Barbecue Sizzle] [Can Tin] [Can Metal Tin] [Dish Ceramic] [Glass Shatter] [Splash] [Bang] [Dog Eating] [Giant Burp]

F: I’m still hungry!

G: Me too! Ain’t much food left in her lousy kitchen now that we finished cookin’. Even her stinkin’ refrigerator an’ freezer are empty now.

F: Let’s go upstairs an’ see if she’s hidin’ any food up in her room!

G: Yeah, Fleaglossitty—c’mon! Let’s go!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkUpstairs] [Door Open]

G: Looky at that trail of oatmeal goin’ from her room to the bathroom—watch out! Don’t slip in it!

F: An’ look at her bed, still full of it!

G: Disgustipatin’, ain’t it?

F: Well, it was your idea.

G: Well, we were jus’ tryin’ to be considerate. Y’know, provide her wit’ breakfast in bed.

F: Yeah, I suppose. We were trynna be nice. Hey, looky here, under this mountain of underwear!

G: What, Fleaglossitty, what?

F: A computer! You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’? 

G: Yeah. Proboobably. Only thing is, we don’t know her stinkin’ password.

F: I’m priddy sure I do.

G: How’s thaaat, Fleaglossitty? 

F: Remember when me an’ Nicki were trapped several floors down in her basement, in that lab?

G: Yeah. That lab kinda blew up.

F: Yeah. I awready checked. The entrance to that basement is all sealed up. But I happen to remember the password that saved our lives. There was a deadly chemical reaction an’ we hadda guess the password to open the door an’ get out. An’ we did, jus’ in time. Only bad thing was, Nurse Maudlyn was waitin’ for us on the other side of the door. But….

G: Why’re ya smilin’ like that, Fleaglossitty?

F: ’Cause I’m priddy sure the password for that door will work on her computer here too! 

SFX: [Computer Keyboard] 

F: We’re in! 

G: Well, stinkin’ what was it, then?

F: The first name of the jerk she’s in love wit’—Gongilafromba!

G: Looky! She got Seemingwhales Department Store bookmarked! Let’s order some junk we need an’ charge it to her account here!

F: But we can’t open the front or back door here. So, how are we gonna get what they deliver?

G: Easy! Look! They got an option to deliver by drone—they’ll even drop it right into your lousy chimney!

F: Awright! We need some cookin’ an’ campin’ supplies. A battery powered lamp for our giant mousehole would be nice. A couple cots an’ small chairs, an’ an area rug. We can also both use new watches, an’ a little radio. An’ as long as she’s holdin’ us hostage, a portable TV— 

SFX: [Computer Keyboard]

G: An’ some prebiotics, probiotics, an’ postbiotics.

F: Nah, forget the postbiotics.

G: An’ some new smellphones. An’ looky, some new red high-top sneakers, a coupla pairs for each of us. Size thirteen, narrow. An’ we could both use new laptops! Wit’ extra memory. 

F: Don’t get greedy now, Zig. Jus’ what we can use.

G: Okay, one laptop. 

SFX: [Computer Keyboard]

F: Order placed. Drone is guaranteed to drop this order in several boxes in the chimney of 666 Van Pooop Lane in one hour. Guaranteed. Now, we gotta look up some food.

G: Looky here—she got a new restaurant bookmarked! Street Spaghetti! 

F: Yeah! An’ it says here that ya can pay with pie! 

G: Y’know, I’ve heard ’bout this. It’s a growin’ trend here in Perswayssick County. Beagle-humanoid businesses are croppin’ up all over, offerin’ customers the option to pay wit’ pie instead of mon-ney.

F: It looks like she awready got an account wit’ them. Hmmm, this looks exotic. Pavement-fried pasta, any type, choose your sauce—regular or custom-made.

G: Spaghetti wit’ regoogoolar sauce. Charge it to her. That’s what she gets for kidnappin’ us!

F: They got drones an’ do chimney drops, too.

G: Order a whole bunch so we’ll have plenny to eat.

SFX: [Computer Keyboard]

F: Okay, Zig, mission accomplished. Should be here in forty-five minutes. Now, I need the bathroom.

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Door Pounds]

G: Fleaglossitty, what’s takin’ ya so long in there? I hadda relieve myself in her comfortable “at-home” shoes again.

SFX: [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking]

F: Sorry I took so long, Zig. I noticed her shampoo bottle was almost empty, so I poured some hair remover into it. It’s almost full now. Didn’t wanna spill none.

G: Are we still invisible, y’know, from that vanishin’ cream? 

F: Yeah, Zig. Except I do see your tail. Let’s go downstairs now. We gotta be ready to move all that stuff into our giant mousehole behind them drapes when it’s delivered.

G: Yeah! Let’s go!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeakin’] [HumanWalkDownstairs] [Magic Spell] 

G: Wow, I’m pooped after draggin’ all that junk from the fireplace into our mousehole.

F: Me too, Zig. Me too. Why don’t we catch our breath an’ watch a little TV?

G: Sounds like a plan, Fleaglossitty.

SFX: [Metal Click 4] [SciFi Glimmer] [Shout FX] [Male Scream 3] [Finale Epic]

G: I’m stinkin’ glad we tuned in late an’ missed most of that movie—too scary!

F: Yeah. Me too.

SFX: [Metal Click 4] [DoorLockUnlock]

G: An’ that’s even scarier—she’s home—early again!

F: Quick—back to our mousehole!

NM: Another hideous day working at Florence Ferguson Memorial and Holy Krapp! As if that wasn’t bad enough, my insurance didn’t cover ungluing my teeth! Wait till I get hold of those two dastardly canine-humanoids! Oh, look at my kitchen—they’ve been at it again! What—text messages? I owe Seemingwhales thirty-a-zillion dollars? And I owe Street Spaghetti Restaurant three hundred pies, any flavor? Wait till I get ahold of those two! First, I’m going to take a shower and wash my hair. And then, after I’m refreshed, I’m going to step into my comfortable at-home shoes and give Gongilafromba a call. I’ll give him a piece of my mind—he’s got to do something about this! He has ways to get what we want from those two dastardly canine-humanoids and then make them disappear for good! Oh, and I forgot—I’ve got to clean up all that oatmeal, too.

F: Hey, do ya always talk to yourself like that?

NM: Where’s that coming from? Where’s that coming from? 

F & G: [laughing]

NM: I can’t even, right now. I’ll deal with you two later. And when I do, you will be sorry!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkUpstairs] [Door Open] [Door Slam] [Shower]

NM: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! My hair!

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]

G: It’s meee, Gneeecey! Stinkin’ thanks for listenin’! An’ if you enjoy this podcast, you’ll proboobably enjoy them two books that the Ig, Vicki Solá, wrote. Y’know, that these podcast epoopisodes are based on You Can’t Unscramble the Omelet and also The Getaway That Got Away. You can find ’em both on Amazon! But don’t believe none of what she wrote ’bout meee, except if she wrote anything possiboobly good. 

SFX: [Magic Spell] 

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###