Ain’t Gonna Make It to the Bathroom in Time

“Ain’t Gonna Make It to the Bathroom in Time” – Episode 139

The Perswayssick Police Department proves to be of no help investigating the footsteps, crashing, and sinister laughter emanating from Gneeecey’s junkyard of a basement.

Meanwhile, kidnapped canine-humanoid pals Gneeecey and Sooperflea celebrate Sooperflea’s birthday in captivity by redecorating evil Nurse Maudlyn’s home. 

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Transcript

Transcript / Ain’t Gonna Make It to the Bathroom in Time – Episode 139, written by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. 

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Boxed-In (Latin Mix)]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “Thinkin’ Inside the Box,” unable to get any information regarding the whereabouts of canine-humanoids Zig Gneeecey and Fleaglossitty “Flea” Floppinsplodge, also known as “Sooperflea,” from either Florence Ferguson Memorial or Holy Krapp, Nicki Rodriguez and Doctor Idnas head for the Perswayssick Police Department to file missing canine-humanoids reports….

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Police Station] [Police Siren]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m sorry, ladies—

NICKI RODRIGUEZ: That would be Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas and me, Nicki Rodriguez, Grate Gizzy of your Perswayssick County. We need to file missing persons, uh, missing canine-humanoid reports on both of them.

PO: They’re both over eighteen, so legally, they don’t have to return home. 

N: Y’know, I sign your paychecks. Please—surely you can do something! 

PO: Not really. Most missing person cases are resolved within a couple of days. If we don’t find them in a few weeks—

N: A few weeks? 

PO: Yep. After a few weeks, we can, y’know, hand the case over to our missing persons, uh, missing canine-humanoids squad. But unless we can prove that their disappearances were involuntary, we really can’t do much more beyond filing the paperwork.

SFX: [Fail Horn] Magic Spell] [Boxed-In (Latin Mix)]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Upon leaving the police station, Nicki and Doctor Idnas suddenly see a series of missed calls on their mobile phones—from housemate therapist Ingabore Scriblig, also known as “Grandma.” They’d asked her to phone them immediately if she heard any more commotion coming from Gneeecey’s basement. Grandma had volunteered to “hold down the fort” during Nicki’s and Doctor Idnas’s absence.

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Car Engine] [Car Horns] [Police Siren] [Ambulance Siren]

N: Oh look, Doctor Idnas—my phone is showing a dozen missed calls from Grandma!

DI: Mine, too! You know, often in deese hospitals, vee don’t get a signal. Eet’s due to dee nature of dee construction of dee buildings—you know, thick steel and concrete.

N: Evidently, the police station has a similar problem. That’s real comforting.

DI: Oh look, dere ees a voicemail message from Grandma!

SFX: [Electronic Cash Register Button] [Footsteps Gravel] [Metal Crash 3] [Comical Scary Clown]

THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”:  Oh, dear, I have called dozens of times. Vhy are dey not picking up?

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Car Engine] [Police Sirens] [Car Horns]

DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Nicki, vee’d better get back to Grandma immediately!

N: Yeah, c’mon!

SFX: [Car Engine] [Car Horns] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [HumanWalkUpstairs] [Metal Door Open]

POLICE OFFICER: Well, I’ve just scoured that entire mess of a basement and all of its hallways and smaller rooms. There’s nothing down there but garbage. Tons of trash!

IS: But, Officer, vee keep hearing footsteps and crazy laughter coming from down there! 

DI: Yah! And metal crashing about! Vee all hear eet!

IS: I know dat vee are not dreaming all of dis!

N: Listen, Officer, I have proof! Listen to this voicemail message Grandma—uh, Mrs. Scriblig just left us a little while ago while we were out! SFX: [Metal Click 4] [Electronic Cash Register] [Footsteps Gravel] [Metal Crash 3] [Comical Scary Clown]

IS: Oh, dear, I have called dozens of times. Vhy are dey not picking up?

PO: Well, ma’am—

N: That would be Grate Gizzy Rodriguez—

PO: Uh, Grate Gizzy Rodriguez, that doesn’t really prove anything.

N: Oh, it doesn’t? What—do we have to suffer a tragedy around here to give you proof?

PO: I assure you, Grate Gizzy Rodriguez, I’ve gone through every room and combed through all that garbage down there and found nothing—except for garbage. And just out of curiosity, what’s that gigantic thing that looks like a combination of a horse and a porcupine?

N: Oh, uh, that would be Diroctor Gneeecey’s, uh, weather machine.

PO: I can tell you one thing. That basement down there’s a real fire hazard if I’ve ever seen one.  I’m gonna have to file a report and recommend that the fire department inspects this mess. They’ll most likely tell you to clean it up within a certain timeframe or pay a hefty fine.

N: But—but, this is Diroctor Gneeecey’s mansion, and he’s missing and—

PO: Sorry, ladies. I’ll let myself out.

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell] [Car Engine]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, missing canine-humanoids, Gneeecey and Flea have awakened, imprisoned in pitch-blackness, inside some of some sort of sealed box that’s being transported somewhere.  SFX: [Magic Spell] [Engine stops]

F: We’re stoppin’!

SFX: [Bang] [Metal Door Open] 

DRIVER: Okay, ma’am. Where ya want this big black box?

NURSE MAUDLYN: Oh, you’re here already! I just finished my shift at Holy Krapp and have to run back over to Florence Ferguson Memorial—where you just came from—in a few minutes. Please bring this sealed box upstairs to my second-floor bedroom!

SFX: [Splash Water 3] [Splash Water 4]

FLEAGLOSSITTY “FLEA” FLOPPINSPLODGE: Oh, Zig, ya didn’t! Now I’m gonna have yellow sneaker laces like you!

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Sorry, Fleaglossitty. This always hapoopens when I’m real, real nervous!

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell] [Sawing Wood A] [Sawing Wood B]

F: Well, Zig, jus’ a little more chewin’ here, an’ we should be outta this box!

G: See, Fleaglossitty, I always knew it was a good thing I hardly never brush my teeth. The resulticatin’ protective coatin’ is now savin’ my precious pearly whites!

F: Your breath could wilt one of them giant redwoods they got on Earth. Now, keep chewin’.

SFX: [Sawing Wood A] [Sawing Wood B] [Atmosphere]

G & F [in unison]: We’re out!

F: From the looks of it, we must be in Nurse Maudlyn’s bedroom.

G: That’s where she told the delivery guy to bring us, ya Iggleheimer—

F: Well, ya don’t hafta—

G: Looky, she got some real interesticatin’ junk here…look at this here magazine…. Seven Foods to Prevent Check Fraud…lemme put this in my T-shirt pocket so I can read it later. I wanna find out what to eat to keep my mon-ney safe. Well, whassamatter, Fleaglossitty? 

F: It’s my birthday, Zig. My birthday. An’ I’m spendin’ it here, wit’ yooou—

G: That ain’t so bad, is it?

F: —in evil Nurse Maudlyn’s house!

G: That is bad…. Hey! I, the brilliant genius, got me an idea!

F: Ya do? 

G: Let’s smellebrate! 

F: How, Zig?

G: By redeckookeratin’ her house! 

F: Redecoratin’ her house?

G: Yeah. But first I gotta, y’know, relieve myself…ain’t gonna make it to the bathroom in time, but I see she cornveniently got a big pair of shoes right here! SFX: [Mud Drops] Ah, that’s better! SFX: [Large Shatter Window] [Bang] Jus’ busted somethin’…looks like it was a gigaaantical glaaass statue of some sort…that held water…oh, well…. SFX: [Wood Demolition] Think I jus’ knocked over a priddy big chair or somethin’…. 

F: Hard to tell. Everything’s covered wit’ her underwear. She really is sloppy—look, she even got underwear strewn all over the floor!

G: Let’s bring it all downstairs! We can use it to decorate!

SFX: [Cartoon Slip x 2] [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkDownstairs]

G: Look! Her Grimace tree is still up! If we tear all her underwear into lotsa pieces, we’ll have more to deckookerate the tree with! SFX: [Fabric Tearin’]

F: Great idea, Zig! An’ we can use all these recyclables I found in the kitchen! They’ll look very priddy on this tree, too! Y’know, multicolored tin cans! Wow! I’m in the holiday spirit! This is turnin’ into the most fun birthday celebration ever!

SFX: [Can Tin Metal] [Can Tin Bag] [Fabric Tear] [Magic Spell]

G: Well, Fleaglossitty, it was certaintaneously worth all the effort! That grimace tree looks beaudiful, don’t it?

F: Yeah, Zig! 

G: An’ thank Bogelthorpe that gigaaantical glass jar of prune juice didn’t break when ya dropped it. It looks so priddy upside-down on the very top of the tree! There’s still some juice drippin’ out of it, which makes for a very nice, shiny artistical effect.

F: An’ I ain’t cleanin’ all that spilt juice offa the floor either. It’s my birthday!

G: Instead, let’s dig into this scrumpooptious Sloggenberry Cake I found in her refrigerator! I’ll put it on her coffee table here. An’ a one, an’ a two, an’ a one, an’ a three-an’-a-half….

G [sings]: Hapoopy hatchday to you, hapoopy hatchday to you, hapoopy hatchday dear Fleaglossitty, hapoopy hatchday to yooou!

F [sings at same time]: Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear myself, happy birthday to me!

SFX: [Dog Eating] [Giant Burp] [DoorUnlockKeys]

G: Oh, stinkin’ no—it’s her! She’s home!

F: We gotta hide—quick! 

G: Lemme bring the rest of the cake!

F: Ain’t got time for that, Zig! C’mon!

SFX: [Mud Splash] 

G: Oh, stinkin’ no—I jus’ dropped the lousy cake—it’s busted! All over the floor! 

F: Ain’t got time for that, Zig! C’mon!

G: We can still eat it off the floor!

F: C’mon, Zig—under the dining room table—quick!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Giant Burp] 

F: Quiet, Zig!

G: Ow—think I jus’ sprained my crappezoid muscle!

SFX: [DoorUnlockKeys] [Door Open] [Door Slam]

NM: What a long day! Shifts at Florence Ferguson Memorial and Holy Krapp. It’s so good to be home! I’ve been looking forward to coming back here and digging into that exquisite, expensive Sloggenbery Cake all day long! SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] What the—my cake! And my Grimace tree! It’s covered in tin cans and rags! Hey, what’s this trail of brown liquid on the floor?

SFX: [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn]

NM: Ow—my bimbus! I’ll bet those two mangy, no-good little creeps have escaped! I’d better go upstairs and check that black box! 

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkUpstairs] [Door Open]

NM: Just as I thought—they’ve escaped! Wait till I catch them…. I must call Gongilafromba to tell him of this horrible, unanticipated development! But first, I must change into my comfortable at-home shoes. My feet are killing me!

SFX: [Mud Splash]

NM [shrieks]: That does it! SFX: [Phone dial] [Phone Ring]

DOCTOR GONGILAFROMBA FROMBILAGONGA: Hallo. Do you vant to buy some cryptocurrency?

NM: No! It’s me!

DGF: Oh, Nurse Maudlyn.

NM: Gongilafromba—

DGF: Dat ees Doctor Frombilagonga to you. Now, make eet qvick.

NM: We have a problem!

DGF: Most likely, you’ve got a problem….

NM: No, we’ve got a problem. Those two dastardly canine-humanoids have escaped! I was assured that box was escape-proof. They’re loose in my house, creating untold havoc!

DGF: Vee vill have to do something about dis, von’t vee. I vill get back to you. Right now, I’m on anudder line, conducting a transaction. Goodbye.

SFX: [Door Bell Ring] 

NM: Now, what? I’ve got all these locks so they can’t escape!

SFX: [HumanWalkDownstairs] [DoorUnlockKeys] Door Open]

NM: What—in Bogethorpe’s name? Who left all this food on my doorstep—from that Gneeezle’s Restaurant? A dozen bowls of melted, leaking simmered ice block soup, two hundred expired jackass patties, medium-rare, topped with moldy grilled cross-eyed cheese, fifty spoiled goonafish seaweed melts, ten cases of flat Slog wit’ extra pulp, ninety expired snack bags of Freak O’ Nature Rindom Doodles, and fifty cups of ready-to-toss blue cheese pudding sprinkled wit’ pie? And a bill attached saying it’s already been charged to my account? 

SFX: [Cartoon 1] [Magic Spell]

G: It’s meee, Gneeecey! Stinkin’ thanks for listenin’! An’ if you enjoy this podcast, you’ll proboobably enjoy them two books that the Ig, Vicki Solá, wrote. Y’know, that these podcast epoopisodes are based on You Can’t Unscramble the Omelet and also The Getaway That Got Away. You can find ’em both on Amazon! But don’t believe none of what she wrote ’bout meee, except if she wrote anything possiboobly good. 

SFX: [Rock Logo] [Magic Spell]

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###