Transcript / Never Any Peace, Is There? – Episode 137, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Orbital Fear Polisher]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “Whipped Cream Blizzard” …. In Gneeecey’s four-story castle of a mansion, Nicki Rodriguez, Zig Gneeecey, Fleaglossitty “Flea” Floppinsplodge, otherwise known as “Sooperflea,” Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas, and therapist Ingabore Scriblig, also known as “Grandma,” are frightened by the sounds of footsteps and metallic crashing noises accompanied by weird laughter, down in the basement. Rather than help his best buddy, fellow canine-humanoid pal Flea, investigate, Gneeecey claims he must go upstairs and organize his sock drawer.
But first, Gneeecey shoves Flea down the basement stairs because the superhero happens to mention he has a hot date that night with his girlfriend, Prindl. This angers a jealous Gneeecey. He’s never gotten over his former fiancée Goonafina Blopperdang jilting him by interdimensional email.
So, Gneeecey hightails it upstairs as Nicki and aching but fortunately not seriously injured Flea inspect the entire humongous garbage dump of a cellar. They spot Gneeecey’s monstrous weather machine, which he swears he hasn’t activated. (Earlier in the day, Gneeecey had become exceedingly distressed upon having accidentally flushed a critically important, extremely expensive, one-of-a-kind remote control down the toilet. When questioned, he denies that the device had anything to do with his weather machine.)
Probing every inch of the basement—including countless hallways and smaller rooms—and finding nothing remarkable, Nicki and Flea trudge back upstairs. Flea suddenly realizes he’s failed to meet Prindl, the girl of his dreams, downtown at Shisskey’s for coffee because he’d lost track of time. She doesn’t answer her phone and her voicemail box is full.
All five members of Gneeecey’s household retire for the night but wake up to a big surprise. A toasty warm spring day—where actual springs had bounced out of the skies—has, overnight, given way to a freak winter storm….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Magic Glitter]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Holy….
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY & FLEAGLOSSITTY “FLEA” FLOPPINSPLODGE [in unison] …. Saint Bogelthorpe!
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Look out dee vindow!
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Unbelievable! Eet vas Springtime yesterday—eighty degrees Fahrenheit—and now dis!
G: While we were all busy wastin’ time sleepin’, it snowed! C’mon, Fleaglossitty!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open]
G: An’ looky—it ain’t jus’ snow—it’s whooped cream! An’ lots of it! Taste it!
F: A whipped cream blizzard!
DI: Dis ees really strange. Usually eet’s only dee first snow of each vinter vhen vhipped cream falls!
G: Yum! C’mon Fleaglossitty—what are we waitin’ for?
N: Guys—guys—wait—
SFX: [Cartoon Slip x 2] [Dog Eating]
N: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe—they’re like crazed human—uh, canine-humanoid vacuum cleaners—eating their way through it, a mile a minute!
DI: Dere must be at least tree feet of snow out dere! More den vee have ever gotten!
IS: Dey are going to get sick!
N: Guys—guys! As Grate Gizzy of this county, I command you! You guys come back in here right now!
DI: Dey don’t even hear you, Nicki!
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Dog Eating]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: An hour later….
N: I don’t believe this! They’re still eating their way through all this mess—I can even see some grass! Oh no—they both just flopped into the whole mess! Guys—guys—
SFX: [Giant Burp x 2]
N: Guys! Guys? Flea! Diroctor Gneeecey! Speak to me—please! Doctor Idnas—help me! They’re both glazy-eyed—their eyes are spinning in circles—and their bellies are distended!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Door Open] [Helicopter]
DI: Nicki, I just called for an ambulance—two of dem, actually!
N: Oh, good, Doctor Idnas—I hope they get here quick! Flea and Gneeecey are just lying there practically motionless in the whipped cream!
DI: And vhat are dose helicopters doing up dere hovering above dis property?
IS: Alexandra! Nicki!
DI: Ingabore, vhat ees eet?
IS: I just saw on dee news dat dee only place een Persvayssick County dat got any vhipped cream snow or any snow at all ees here! Right atop dis mountain—Three Bimbus Crack Drive!
N: Only right here—on Gneeecey’s property?
IS: Yah!
DI: And dey gave out our address here on TV?
IS: Yah!
N: That would certainly explain why all these canine-humanoids are rushing up the hill here!
SFX: [Dog Eating]
IS: More accurately, gobbling deir vay up dee hill!
SFX: [Ambulance Sirens x 2] [Police Siren]
DI: Dee ambulances have finally arrived! Tank goodness, der are two of dem!
IS: Vee’ll need to call for more!
N: Thanks for getting here so quickly, guys! There they are—Zig Gneeecey and Sooperflea!
EMT 1: Looks like a whipped cream overdose.
EMT 2: Yup. Luckily, these guys are pretty light. You take the white-and-black one and I’ll take the black one wearin’ that red cape. On the count of three—one…two…three!
EMT 1: Ugh—this one’s a lot heavier than he looks!
EMT 2: Yeah! An’ so’s this one!
N: Where are you taking them?
EMT 1: Can’t tell ya.
N: What?
EMT 2: Dunno. Whichever hospital takes ’em.
N: What? I’ll have you know I’m Nicki Rodriguez, Grate Gizzy of Perswayssick County! I demand to know—
EMT 1: An’ I’m the Crowned Prince of Bozovia—back on Planet Eccchs! Haaah, haaah!
EMT 2: An’ I’m King Oggle of Strainerland! I’m in all them history books! I’m a legend!
EMT 1 & EMT 2 [in unison]: Haaah, haaah, haaah!
EMT 1: Look, you’ll jus’ have to go check Florence Ferguson Memorial an’ Holy Krapp yourself! C’mon, Gus. Let’s get goin’!
SFX: [Slot Clunk x 2] [Bang x 2]
N: Wait, guys—wait!
SFX: [Engine] [Ambulance Sirens]
N: Officer! Officer! I need to know where Zig Gneeecey and Sooperflea are being taken!
POLICE OFFICER: Sorry, ma’am—
N: That would be Grate Gizzy Nicki Rodriguez—
PO: Whatever. If you’re county leader, you should be able to find out yourself. Now, look at all them canine-humanoids sloppin’ up all this whipped cream. They’re gonna get sick too! SFX: [Dogs Eating] [Giant Burp] Y’know, since this is happenin’ on your property, youse guys could be held liable!
N: No, we can’t be—all this is due to an act of nature!
PO: Whatever. Lemme go back to my cruiser and put out a call for more ambulances.
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell]
N: I’ve called both Florence Ferguson Memorial and Holy Krapp! Neither hospital will tell me if Flea and Gneeecey have even been in their emergency rooms!
DI: Vee vill have to go dere!
SFX: [Doorbell Ring]
N: Now what? Never any peace, is there?
SFX: [Doorbell Ring]
N: Coming! Coming!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Sharp Eerie Scary Logo]
PROFESSOR WILLARD WALLBANG: Good morning, Ms. Rodriguez.
N: Uh…. Professor Wallbang….
PWW: I’ve not come calling to remind you of your financial delinquency—you know, regarding restitution owed our Perswayssick Superhero Academy. No need to be concerned.
N: Oh, really? I’d say there’s plenty to be concerned about right now, and I really don’t have time for—
PWW: I just wanted to share my observation that, indeed. you will be staring down—or smelling, quite literally—another crisis when this whipped cream goes bad. Good day.
N: There’s nothing good about this day!
SFX: [Door Slam] [Metal Crash 3] [Footsteps Gravel]
IS: Dere ees dat noise again—down een dee basement!
N: I’ll go down and do a quick check. Probably just more junk falling over. Flea and I spent a couple hours down there last night. We didn’t find anything except for a whole lot of garbage.
DI: Nicki, I’ll come down vit you.
SFX: [Metal Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkDownstairs] [Footsteps Concrete]
N: Oh, look, here’s Flea’s flashlight. He must’ve left it on the floor here last night. SFX: [Metal Click 4] Luckily, it still works.
DI: Oh, Nicki, look around—vhat an absolute mess! Dis whole place ees a real fire hazard! Maybe vhen tings are more normal, vee can pay for a clean-up!
N: Yeah. If Gneeecey lets us. And if things are ever more normal.
DI: Vhat ees dat monstrosity over dere dat looks like a combination of a horse and a porcupine?
N: Oh, Flea says that’s the weather machine that Gneeecey invented.
SFX: [Footsteps Concrete]
N: Well, we’ve looked everywhere. Like I said, it must’ve just been an avalanche of rubbish.
DI: Yah, vee’d better get going. Vee have to get to Florence Ferguson Memorial and Holy Krapp as soon as vee can.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkUpstairs] [Metal Door] [Door Slam]
DI: Ingabore, vee must get to deese two hospitals and search for Flea and Gneeecey.
N: Yeah, Grandma. We just looked all around down there, and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. It’s the same garbage dump that it was last night.
IS: Good luck, you two. I vill stay here and hold down dee fort. Nicki, eef I find out any information on dere vhereabouts, I vill phone you.
N: Thanks, Grandma.
DI: Yah, tank you, Ingabore. Call us eef you have any problems as vell.
N: Okay, Grandma. Here we go!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Scary Ambience]
REDHEADED BROKEN-NOSED MARK (DOROTHY): It’s me, Dorothy, y’know, from da Perswayssick Girls Club.
N: Uh, Dorothy, I really don’t have time now—
RBNM(D): Youse always say dat when I show up. I jus’ wanted to see if youse needed someone to, y’know, shovel all dis here snow. I can do it for youse real cheap.
SFX: [Dogs Eating] [Giant Burp]
N: Dorothy, as you can see, all those canine-humanoids out there are eating up all that whipped cream, so shoveling won’t be necessary. Now, we’re kind of in a hurry here and—
RBNM(D): Well, maybe den, I can sell youse some of these here Freak O’Nature snacks. You’ll wanna buy dem before dey expire! They’ll go good wit’ dis whip cream.
N: Dorothy, I–I can’t, right now. Gotta go!
SFX: [Ambulance Sirens] [Police Siren]
RBNM(D): Uh-oh—is dat da cops I see? I gotta go too!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell]
IS: Nicki and Alexandra have been gone for a couple of hours now.
SFX: [Footsteps Gravel] [Metal Crash 3] [Comical Scary Clown]
IS: Oh, dear—dat vas more dan just some junk falling. Somevun ees down dere!
SFX: [Phone] [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell] [Hospital Room Ambience]
N: What do you mean, you have no record of either of them being admitted, even to your emergency room? The EMTs said they were bringing the two of them here to Holy Krapp or to Florence Ferguson Memorial!
NURSE: Sorry, but like I told you, we have no record of any Diroctor Zig Gneeecey or Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge—or “Sooperflea,” as you call him, being brought in.
N: Zig Gneeecey’s a white-and-black canine-humanoid. He was wearing a blue T-shirt. And Sooperflea is a black canine-humanoid—he was wearing a red cape.
NURSE: I’m sorry. We can’t help you.
DI: Look, vee have been to Florence Ferguson Memorial and gotten no answers, and now vee are here at Holy Krapp, and you are telling us dee same ting—noting! I happen to be Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas, and I have admitting privileges at bot of dese hospitals! I demand answers.
N: And I’m Nicki Rodriguez, Grate Gizzy of this county! I demand answers, too!
NURSE: Sorry, doctor. Sorry, Ms. Rodriguez. Like I said, I have no information to give you. I can’t give you answers I don’t have. Perhaps you should go to the police station and file a missing canine-humanoids report.
D: Vee vill do just dat, as vell as file some complaints to dee boards of bot of deese hospitals! Come, Nicki. To dee police station vee go!
N: Yep. At least Grandma hasn’t called with any more problems….
DI: Yah, tank goodness. I haven’t gotten any calls from her eider.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Footsteps Gravel] [Metal Crash 3] [Comical Scary Clown]
IS: Oh, dear, I have called dozens of times. Vhy are dey not picking up?
SFX: [Phone] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
G: It’s meee, Gneeecey! Stinkin’ thanks for listenin’! An’ if you enjoy this podcast, you’ll proboobably enjoy them two books that the Ig, Vicki Solá, wrote. Y’know, that these podcast epoopisodes are based on, You Can’t Unscramble the Omelet and also The Getaway That Got Away. You can find ’em both on Amazon! But don’t believe none of what she wrote ’bout meee, except if she wrote anything possiboobly good.
SFX: [Rock Logo] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###