Transcript / Whipped Cream Blizzard – Episode 136, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…
SFX: [Magic Spell]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “Springtime Comes to Perswayssick County,” spring SFX: [Comedy Boing] arrived early, and weirdly SFX: [Comedy Boing], in the already odd dimension….
SFX: [Boing Long] [Comedy Boing]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY & FLEAGLOSSITTY “FLEA” FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA” [in unison]: What the—
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Holy crap—look out there! I’ve never seen anything like it!
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Eeet ees raining actual springs! A literal spring storm!
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah! Springs are pouring out of dee sky and bouncing all over dee place!
F: Zig—you’re not still messin’ wit’ that weather machine down in your nasty, gravelly basement, are ya?
G: No, Fleaglossitty—I swear I ain’t! Ain’t used that machine for years!
F: Zig, let’s you an’ me go down there an’ check things.
SFX: [FootstepsGravel] [FootstepsConcrete]
F: Sounds like someone or somethin’ is awready down there, movin’ around. Don’cha hear it?
SFX: [FootstepsGravel] [FootstepsConcrete]
G: I don’t stinkin’ hear nuthin’!
SFX: [Metal Crash 3] [Metal Crash 1]
G: I gotta go upstairs an’ organize my sock drawer!
F: You ain’t goin’ nowhere, Zig! You an’ me, we’re both goin’ down to the basement here to investigate!
SFX: [Metal Crash 3] [Metal Crash 1]
G: No, I ain’t! Awready told ya, I gotta go upstairs an’ organize my sock drawer! It’s a stinkin’ mess—
F: You’re a mess, an’ I’m sure your socks are stinkin’! Now, you ain’t crappin’ out on me this time!
G: Says who?
F: Says me! Now, that weather machine you invented down in your creepy basement—
G: Ain’t used it in years, Fleaglossitty! I swear—on your mother!
F: You leave my mother outta this! I’m gettin’ hot under my collar—an’ it ain’t just ’cause Spring arrived around here way too early an’ it’s like eighty degrees like late summer!
G: Globular warmin’ ain’t my fault!
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, that one-of-a-kind expensive custom-made remote control that you accidentally flushed down the toilet a little while ago, right before those actual springs began raining out of the sky, was that some kind of remote control for your weather machine down there?
G: La la, la, I can’t hear you! La la, la, I can’t hear you! La la, la, I can’t hear you!
N: Well, Diroctor Gneeecey, what was that remote control for, then? You were pretty upset.
G: None of your lousy business, Ig.
N: Name’s Nicki.
G: Okay, Ig. Now, I gotta go upstairs an’—
N: You are gonna come down to the basement with Flea and me. This is your house and something really strange is going on that affects all of us!
F: Yeah! What she said!
DI: Yah, Diroctor Gneeecey, Dis ees your home, and you are dee vun dat should be concerned!
IS: Yah, I agree! I feel dat none of us are safe here. Vee need to find out vhat ees going on!
F: Come on, Zig.
SFX: [Metal Door Open] [Orbital Fear]
F: Okay, door’s open. Let’s go.
G: Whatsamatter? You—Sooperflea—ya too scared to go down there wit’out me? Ya too chicken? Flea is chicken! Flea is chicken! [G does chicken imitation]
F: I ain’t chicken! It’s gettin’ late an’ in a little while, I got a hot date—wit’ Prindl! I don’t wanna keep her waitin’!
G: Oh, you’re sayin’ you got a girlfriend, an’ I don’t?
F: Zig Gneeecey, I didn’t say—hey—why ya pushin’ me like that? You’re gonna make me—
SFX: [BodyfallHuman]
F: —fall downstairs!
SFX: [Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Comedy Accent]
N, DI, & IS [in unison]: Flea!
G: Heh, heh, later, guys!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
N: Lemme go down there and help poor Flea!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkDownstairs]
N: Flea! Are you alright?
F: I’m fine, except for a broken tail an’ busted skull. Ha, ha….
N: I don’t believe he did that to you!
F: I do…. It’s kinda dark down here. Lemme unclip my flashlight from my superhero utility belt so we can take a look ’round.
SFX: [Metal Click 4]
F: At least my flashlight ain’t broke like every bone in my body.
N: This place is huge.
F: An’ it’s a real mess.
SFX: [Footsteps Concrete]
F: There’s Zig’s weather machine over there.
N: You mean that metal thing over there that’s as big as a car and looks like a combination of a horse with a periscope growing out of its head, and a porcupine, with zillions of levers sticking out all over it?
F: Yeah.
N: Y’know, Flea, this whole basement is such a garbage dump that it’s kinda hard to tell what might’ve fallen over—or what something or someone might’ve knocked over.
F: Well, Nicki, all we can do is check all these dozens of hallways an’ little rooms off to the side to make sure no one ain’t hidin’ down here.
N: Yeah…c’mon, Flea….
SFX: [Footsteps Gravel] [Footsteps Concrete] [Magic Spell] [Sneakers Squeaking] [HumanWalkUpstairs] [Metal Door] [Door Slam]
F: Well, that took longer than I thought.
N: Yeah. And there was no sign of anyone down there.
DI: You bot must have been down dere for at least a couple of hours!
IS: Yah!
F: Oh, no! Holy Saint Bogelthorpe!
N: What, Flea?
F: I—I lost track of time! I was supposed to meet Prindl at Shisskeys—for coffee! At seven o’clock! What’s she gonna think? I jus’ stood up the girl of my dreams!
N: Try and call her, Flea!
SFX: [Phone Dial]
F: It’s no use. She ain’t answerin’. It’s goin’ directly to voicemail…. An’ her voicemail box is full….
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: And so, nighttime fell in Perswayssick County, with Nicki, Doctor Idnas, Grandma, Gneeecey, and a dejected Sooperflea floating away into dreamland.
SFX: [ToyPianoRockabye] [Cartoon Snoring]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, in the basement….
SFX: [Orbital Fear] [Footsteps Gravel] [Footsteps Concrete] [Metal Crash 3] [Metal Crash 1] [Comical Scary Clown Laughter] [Magic Spell]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: The sun did rise…. But something was different….
SFX: [Cuckoo Clock] [Rooster Crow]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: But something was different….
SFX: [Magic Glitter]
N: Holy….
G & F [in unison] …. Saint Bogelthorpe!
DI: Look out dee vindow!
IS: Unbelievable! Eet vas Springtime yesterday—eighty degrees Fahrenheit—and now dis!
G: While we were all busy wastin’ time sleepin’, it snowed! C’mon, Fleaglossitty!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open]
G: An’ looky—it ain’t jus’ snow—it’s whooped cream! An’ lots of it! Taste it!
F: A whipped cream blizzard!
DI: Dis ees really strange. Usually eet’s only dee first snow of each vinter vhen vhipped cream falls!
G: Yum! C’mon Fleaglossitty—what are we waitin’ for?
N: Guys—guys—wait—
SFX: [Cartoon Slip x 2] [Dog Eating]
N: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe—they’re like crazed human—uh, canine-humanoid vacuum cleaners—eating their way through it, a mile a minute!
DI: Dere must be at least tree feet of snow out dere! More den vee have ever gotten!
IS: Dey are going to get sick!
N: Guys—guys! As Grate Gizzy of this county, I command you! You guys come back in here right now!
DI: Dey don’t even hear you, Nicki!
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Dog Eating]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: An hour later….
N: I don’t believe this! They’re still eating their way through all this mess—I can even see some grass! Oh no—they both just flopped into the whole mess! Guys—guys—
SFX: [Giant Burp x 2]
N: Guys! Guys? Flea! Diroctor Gneeecey! Speak to me—please! Doctor Idnas—help me! They’re both glazy-eyed—their eyes are spinning in circles—and their bellies are distended!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
G: It’s meee, Gneeecey! Stinkin’ thanks for listenin’! An’ if you enjoy this podcast, you’ll proboobably enjoy them two books that the Ig, Vicki Solá, wrote. Y’know, that these podcast epoopisodes are based on, You Can’t Unscramble the Omelet and also The Getaway That Got Away. You can find ’em both on Amazon! But don’t believe none of what she wrote ’bout meee, except if she wrote anything possiboobly good.
SFX: [Rock Logo] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###