Springtime Comes to Perswayssick County

“Springtime Comes to Perswayssick County” – Episode 135

It’s the beginning of a new season, with springtime arriving just a tad early—and things are just as we’d expect in Gneeecey’s bizarre dimension. 

We thank Sam Leviatin for his musical contributions. The music of Zirbert Shriekensobb will live on, perhaps into infinity—if Gneeecey has his way.

https://buymeacoffee.com/Perswayssick (Please support us with a one-time gift or monthly sponsorship amount—various levels available—to help keep us coming to you via BuyMeACoffee.com! We’ll shout you out during our podcast episodes and in our show notes here, plus supply you with more fun perks!)  

https://www.amazon.com/Vicki-Sola/e/B07J29RVMQ (Amazon Author Page, check out our Gneeecey/Nicki e-books and paperbacks!)

https://www.nfreads.com/interview-with-author-vicki-sola/ (Interview with Vicki Solá)

https://perswayssickradio.buzzsprout.com (right here, our Buzzsprout website w/episodes & transcripts!)   

And many thanks to disproportionately cool artist Jay Hudson for our podcast logo! https://yojayhudson.com/

Transcript

Transcript / Springtime Comes to Perswayssick County – Episode 135, written by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. 

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo] [Cuckoo Clock] [Birds Various]

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Ah, the sounds of Springtime! Ain’t it lovooverly? Listen to them birdies chirpin’! Springtime has come to Perswayssick County, an’ since the Ig is back an’ her baaad shadow side went back into her— 

NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Uh, that would be Nicki, and—

G: Stinkin’ whatever, Ig. You’re half-good again. But half-baaad, like usual. 

N: What?

G: Y’know, your bad shadow side went back into ya, so perhaphoops, now your good side can control the bad you better. An’ so since you’re Grate Gizzy again an’ I don’t gotta be in charge no more, now I can concentrate on myself an’ makin’ lotsa mon-ney. 

FLEAGLOSSITTY “FLEA” FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: How ya gonna do that, Zig?

G: Awready told ya, Fleaglossitty. Them expired, freezer-burned jackass patties from my Gneeezle’s Restaurant that I had Altitude feed them zombies—I got plenny of ’em left! I’m gonna market them as de-zombifiers. An’ I’ll also sell some of ’em as medicine, to kill them hate virus germs! 

DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Diroctor Gneeecey, vee don’t know for sure dat deese burgers of yours can kill dee Odiumisia virus—

G: Don’t wreck my fun, Doctor Idnas. Jus’ listen to them birdies out there. I can hear all the flowers talkin’, too!

F: Zig, flowers can’t talk—you’re a scientist! You’re supposed to know—

G: Don’t stinkin’ conkooktradict me! Now, I gotta go use the bathroom before I get to work on this project. 

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Door Slam]

THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Vell, Diroctor Gneeecey ees right about vun ting. Springtime has come to our dimension—a bit early—but eet ees lovely, all dee same. 

DI: Yah, Ingabore. Vee have been trough so much. 

N: Yes. You know, Doctor Idnas, I’m almost afraid to say it, but this virus of hate—this Odiumisia—seems to be leveling off. Our streets are more peaceful. I’ve increased law enforcement presence here all over the county, but that seems almost unnecessary now. 

DI: Yah, Nicki, and importantly, you are at peace vit yourself now dat you’ve agreed to accept your shadow side. Eet ees no longer outside of you, fighting you. 

SFX: [Toilet Flush] [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking]

G: Yeah. Let’s see how stinkin’ long that lasts. Heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah! Why ain’t no one laughing?

F: ’Cause it ain’t funny, Zig.

N: Diroctor Gneeecey, you have to admit that things are more normal around here. 

G: It ain’t what it is, an’ it is what it ain’t, possiboobly unless it ain’t what it isn’t, Ig.

N: Name’s Nicki. And may I remind you that our streets are more peaceful, and the scheduled demolition of all those condemned buildings on Veggie Burger Avenue is finally being done in an orderly fashion without tenants refusing to leave. In fact, I’ve relocated all of these tenants—they’re living in better conditions than they were before those ten-foot-tall kangaroos you mistakenly invented— 

G: Ya mean, them kanga-dyno-roos I mistakookenly invented—

N: Yeah, them. The ten-foot-tall kanga-dyno-roos that you mistakenly invented that mysteriously but thankfully disappeared—they trashed half the buildings downtown! So, I’ve been remedying the situation. 

F: That’s right, Zig!

G: Well, Fleaglossitty, you should talk—you’re livin’ hog off the highway here for free in my beaudiful mansion. You’re livin’ in luxury!

F: Well, speaking of that, guys, Professor Wallbang offered me a dorm room at his Perswayssick Superhero Academy if I teach a two-credit course there. I’m thinkin’ ’bout takin’ him up on it.

N: Flea, are you sure you wanna do that? I don’t quite trust him. He creeps me out.

G: An’, Ig, he’s still sayin’ you’re liabooble for financial responsiboobability for damages to his school property caused by your inepooptitude, plus ’cause ya signed that contract wit’ the dopey school, so ya gotta attend an’ pay for a full load of classes for this entire ackookademic year. 

N: Diroctor Gneeecey, it was your idea that I go to his superhero academy so I could help you better. So, it’s your problem, too—

G: We’ll disgust this later, Ig. When I have less time.

N: Well, anyway, I don’t think anyone can dispute that things are better here in Perswayssick County. 

DI: Dat ees right, Nicki. Vee have not seen much of dose strange, alien, vaxy-faced Markmen vit dee spooky, luminous, vierd-colored eyeballs lately.

IS: Yah, Alexandra. And dat greasy Doctor Frombilagonga and rotten Nurse Maudlyn seem to be behaving demselves—for now.

F: An’ we ain’t seen none of them scary clowns—y’know, like that nine-foot-tall, three-armed, three-legged Three, or his pal Sulak, the Demon Clown of Bathrooms….

G: Don’t even talk ’bout them lousy, evil, scary clowns, Fleaglossitty.  Jus’ hearin’ their names makes me nervous. I’m gonna put on our Shriekensobb recording—y’know, wit’ me playin’ my ’lectric voaline, an’ yoooou, Fleaglossitty, tryin’ to play the piano—

F: Whaddaya mean, tryin’ to play the piano?

G: Jus’ what I said. An’ I did some hysterical research. This lovely compooposition, “Plight of the Goonafish,” is also known as “The Three-Legged Waltz.” 

That’s proboobably ’cause back on our native Planet Eccchs, them clumsy three-legged troglodyte Iggleheimers who came ground-poundin’ down from them Yelps Mountains in our Bozovian region, they were uncultured swine an’ had lotsa trouble dancin’ wit’ all them legs. History’s very interesticatin’, ain’t it? 

F: It ain’t….

G: Lemme play this classikookal piece so’s I can kill two stones wit’ one bird—no offense to them birds singin’ outside—to illustricate my point an’ also to calm my nerves which feel like split underpaaants.

SFX: [Metal Click 4] [Plight of the Goonafish]

G: Ain’t it beaudiful?

F: It ain’t.

G: Whaaat?

F: Uh, nuthin’, Zig. Nuthin’….

G: Y’know, sometimes listenin’ to this makes me need the bathroom. Heh, heh. Be right back.

SFX: [Rustling Papers]

F: Why are ya bringin’ all them papers an’ all that electronic equipment into the bathroom wit’ ya, Zig?

G: Don’t know how long I’ll be in there, Fleaglossitty. I can always work on my manuscript—y’know, my unauthorizated autobiography, an’ do other stuff too, while I’m sittin’ there for who knows how long.

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Slam] [Birds Various]

F: Ah, listen to them birds, guys!

DI: Yah, springtime ees definitely een dee air!

F: An’ that means romance! Romance is in the air!

N: You’re blushing through your fur, Flea.

F: I got a hot date wit’ Prindl tonight! My ol’ flame from school—the priddiest girl in our class! The reddish Irish Setter canine-humanoid of my dreams!

N: It’s so great that you reconnected with her here in the dimension of Perswayssick County!

F: Yeah. I had assumed that when we were stranded in this dimension, she was among the many still left on our Planet Eccchs, y’know, who weren’t accidentally transferred here.

IS: Vell, Flea, I suggest dat you don’t say too much about dis to Gneeecey. 

DI: Yah. Ingabore ees right. Gneeecey ees still so brokenhearted dat his fiancée, Goonafina Blopperdang, jilted him by interdimensional email.

F: Yeah, she was a very priddy Golden Retriever-type canine-humanoid. Still is, I guess. Poor Zig. He ain’t never gotten over it.

SFX: [Splash Water] [Flushing the Toilet] [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying]

F: Don’t tell me Zig flushed himself down the terlit ’cause he’s still so heartbroken over Goonafina breakin’ up wit’ him. He can’t swim—he’ll drown! Or maybe that long, droopy tail dropped into the bowl. I can tell ya from experience, a cold, wet tail ain’t no fun.

SFX: [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying]

N: Diroctor Gneeecey—what’s wrong?

G: I flushed somethin’ very important down the lousy terlit!

F: Your unauthorized autobiography?

G: Noooooooo—did my terlit sound clogged to you, ya dope? I ackookcidenally flushed a one-of-a-kind expensive custom-made remote control that I really stinkin’ neeeeed! 

F: I asked ya why ya were bringin’ all that junk in the bathroom wit’cha!

G: Ain’t junk—

SFX: [Cartoon Character Annoyed Crying] [Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Comedy Accent]

G: Look what’cha made me do—ya distractipated me an’ made me fall on my lousy bimbus!

F: Don’t always blame other people for—

SFX: [Boing Long] [Comedy Boing]

G & F [in unison]: What the—

N: Holy crap—look out there! I’ve never seen anything like it!

DI: Eeet ees raining actual springs! A literal spring storm!

IS: Yah! Springs are pouring out of dee sky and bouncing all over dee place!

F: Zig—you’re not still messin’ wit’ that weather machine down in your nasty, gravelly basement, are ya?

G: No, Fleaglossitty—I swear I ain’t! Ain’t used that machine for years!

F: Zig, let’s you an’ me go down there an’ check things.

SFX: [FootstepsGravel] [FootstepsConcrete]

F: Sounds like someone or somethin’ is awready down there, movin’ around. Don’cha hear it?

SFX: [FootstepsGravel] [FootstepsConcrete]

G: I don’t stinkin’ hear nuthin’!

SFX: [Metal Crash 3] [Metal Crash 1]

G: I gotta go upstairs an’ organize my sock drawer!

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Comedy Boing] [Magic Spell]

G: It’s meee, Gneeecey! Stinkin’ thanks for listenin’! An’ if you enjoy this podcast, you’ll proboobably enjoy them two books that the Ig, Vicki Solá, wrote. Y’know, that these podcast epoopisodes are based on, You Can’t Unscramble the Omelet and also The Getaway That Got Away. You can find ’em both on Amazon! But don’t believe none of what she wrote ’bout meee, except if she wrote anything possiboobly good.

SFX: [Rock Logo] [Magic Spell]

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###