Showdown!

“Showdown!” – Episode 134 

Stranded Earthling Nicki Rodriguez and her angry shadow side double are headed for a showdown. 

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Transcript

Transcript / Showdown! – Episode 134, written by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. 

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “Who’s in Charge Here, Anyways?” Gneeecey’s plan to have his Gneeezle’s Restaurant giant mouse employee Altitude feed Perswayssick County’s citizen-turned-zombies the eatery’s expired, freezer-burned jackass burgers has worked! It’s a win/win for the canine-humanoid—his citizen-turned-zombies are now former-citizen-turned-zombies. (Citizens, sick to their stomachs, are now crowding Perswayssick City’s two hospital emergency rooms, but that’s not Gneeecey’s problem). He’s also turned the whole situation—donating the burgers—into a nice tax write-off for himself. Plus, if his citizens morph into zombies again, he’ll know how to handle it. Just feed ’em those expired brain-flavored patties—and there are plenty left in his Gneeezle’s freezer. 

Thankfully, Gneeecey’s fellow canine-humanoid superhero pal Fleaglossitty “Flea” Floppinsplodge, also known as “Sooperflea,” and Gneeecey’s therapist Ingabore Scriblig, also known as “Grandma,” have returned home and no longer seem, well, extremely disagreeable. Both, like so many of Perswayssick County’s citizens, had been stricken by Odiumisia, a virus of hate, unwittingly carried to the dimension from Earth by an asymptomatic Nicki Rodriguez. 

SFX: [Magic Spell] [DoorLockUnlockKeys] [Door Open] [Squeaking Sneakers] [Human Walk Upstairs]

DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Ingabore! Flea!

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Graaandma! Fleaglossitty!

THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Oh, Alexandra, how can you ever forgive me? And Nicki and Diroctor Gneeecey. Here I am, a terapist, and I must apologize for my own behavior.

DI: Ingabore, vee are just so happy and relieved to see you!

G: Yeah, Graaandma! An’ hapoopy to see you too, Fleaglossitty!

IS: I must confess dat I still am not een dee best of moods, but speaking vit’ Nicki made me feel so much better. Just a little bit of kindness can go so far!

FLEAGLOSSITTY “FLEA” FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Yeah, guys, she even convinced that mean demolition guy to let me go back into my condemned apartment to retrieve my belongings before he knocks it down.

IS: Yah, dat Nicki ees so diplomatic and kindhearted…. Vait….

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Yep, wait. A more immediate problem remains….

DI, IS, & F [in unison]: Nicki!

G: Ig!

IS: How can dat be Nicki in dat bed dere vit her leg up vhen vee just left Nicki on Veggie Burger Avenue, and she vas fine?

N??: I don’t care if I have to hop on one foot—I am outta here! That evil shadow side of mine has to be stopped—before she ruins everything!

SFX: [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Sure enough, two Nickis have landed in Perswayssick County—herself and her not-so-nice shadow self. And they’re at war with each other. Nicki wants to stay in Perswayssick County and make things right, something her shadow double adamantly opposes. The latter had demanded they return to their old life on Earth. But they can’t do that unless both of herselves agree. Further angering Nicki’s nasty shadow side is that her good self has traveled to beleaguered Perswayssick City’s Veggie Burger Avenue and is interacting with troubled citizens and listening to their concerns.

SFX: [Magic Spell]

NICKI RODRIGUEZ ??: Like I said, my evil shadow side is brainwashing our citizens—she’s gonna make things a thousand times worse! I’m gonna call her now—gimme that stupid-looking neon-orange clown-shaped phone of yours, Gneeecey—

G: It ain’t stooopid-lookin’!

N: It’s stupid-looking, and I’m taking it!

G: Hey—gimme back my stinkin’ phone, ya lousy Ig—that’s my braaand new BlunderBuxxComm 5000—even has a app to flush my very expensive, sophistiphoosticated Electronic Water Cyclone 3000 terlit that hardly no one else can afford! An’ that’s Diroctor Gneeecey to you—I’m a dopey doctor an’ leader of this here lousy county!

N??: You are dopey, and this county is lousy, but you’re no longer its leader.

G: Compoopliments will get you nowhere. An’ wit’ two of youse Igs disgracing this beaudiful lousy dimension of mine, even I don’t stinkin’ know who’s in charge around here no more!

N??: I am. Now shut up!

G: How stinkin’ dare yooou tell meee, The Grate One, to shaaadup?

N??: Shut up. SFX: [Phone Dialing] [Phone Ringing] It’s me—your other self. The one with brains! Oh, you’re busy now? Can’t talk? Too busy schmoozing with your citizens? Well, I’m just phoning to let you know that I’ll be in your face when you least expect it. Get ready for a showdown! See ya!

G: Ya gonna go fight wit’ your other self? I guess that means I’m still Grate Gizzy.

N??: Shut that grimy, off-white snout of yours and gimme my car keys. I know you got ’em.

G: Heh, heh….

N??: What’s so freakin’ funny?

G: Heh, heh…. At least it’s funnier now than it was then. Your car is kinda wrecked. I was drivin’ it home, an’ this big ol’ lumpy fracas tree didn’t, y’know, look both ways before it tried to cross. It suddenly stepped into the road—right in front of the car—an’ I couldn’t stop in time. But at least I didn’t get hurt—

N??: Well, like I said, I don’t care if I have to hop around on one foot—I am outta here! That evil shadow side of mine has to be stopped—before she ruins everything!

SFX: [Door Slam] [Magic Spell] [Cuckoo Clock] [Toilet Flush] [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking]

G: Well, I gotta say, it’s a lot more peaceful here in my mansion wit’out them two Igs, even if it is jus’ tempooporary.

DI: Vell, I am still vurried. I vanted to get blood samples from bot of dem. I am happy dat dee samples I just took from Ingabore and Flea, show dat your Odiumisia virus has run eets course. Your cases are no longer active. And Diroctor Gneeecey, you still test negative.

IS: Alexandra, dis ees very encouraging, for us and dee citizens of dis county. 

DI: But vee must remain vigilant. Dis ees such a new virus—vun like vee have never seen before. Vee do not know eef vun can be reinfected. Vee vill most likely see new mutations. I do not tink dis virus vill ever completely go avay.

IS: Hopefully, deese mutations vill not be as strong.

G: Do youse two have antibodies or uncle-bodies? Heh hah, heh haah! Why ain’t no one laughin’?

F: Well, guys, I feel priddy good now an’ I’m real glad to be home. Thank you, Zig, for givin’ me a home ever since my apartment was condemned.

G: Don’t worry, Fleaglossitty. I’ll make sure ya make it up to me.

F: I’m sure ya will.

G: Well, ya don’t gotta say it like that, so oogdimonious.

F: Uh, changin’ the subject, Grandma an’ I ran into Stu on our way home.

DI: Oh, Flea, vee vere so vurried dat dee zombies had gotten Stu. Ees he alright?

F: Yeah, Doctor Idnas. He was on his way back to Zig’s GAS Broadcast Network buildin’, y’know, back on Vompt Boulevard. 

G: I wasn’t worried. I knew the zombies wouldn’t bother wit’ that donkey-humanoid. Jus’ like Altitude, he ain’t got no brains.

DI: Vell, vhile vee have some peace, however fleeting eet may be, vhy don’t vee all go eento dee Grate Room and vatch some TV.

IS: Yah!

F: Sounds like a plan. We can eat these sloggenberry pastries Grandma an’ I picked up at Shisskey’s on our way home!

G: Yeah! C’mon, guys!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Dog Eating]

G: Yummy! That was really good. [SFX]: [Gigantic Burp] Lemme turn on the TeeeVeee! I think we’re rerunnin’ a epoopisode of Shoppin’ at Home wit’ GAS! Even though it’s prerecorded, we still got opooperators on hand to take orders so we can make mon-ney! Them kelly-green, three-legged pantyhose are still on sale—we got a overstock! A overstock of stockings—heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah!

F: Oh, Zig, how boring! Who wants to watch that? Ain’t there nuthin’ else better than that on?

G: It’s my TeeeVeee, so I say what we watch. 

DI & IS [in unison]: Oh, dear….

G: Wit’ them two Igs gone, I am now actin’ Grate Gizzy! An’ it’s my house. What I say goes. Where’s the lousy remote…I was chewin’ on it last night. Tasty, full-bodied acrylic plaaastic flavorin’…lemme see…maybe it’s over there….

SFX: [Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn]

G: Ow—my bimbus—landed on it! Hope this lousy remote—an’ my bimbus—still work…. 

SFX: [Metal Click 4] 

G: It does. At least the remote does….

SFX: [Glass Shatter]

NEWS ANNOUNCER: Breaking news now! We interrupt a popular rerun of Shopping at Home with GAS to bring you a special report. Let’s go to our GAS-TV Channel Three-and-a-half news cam! It appears that Perswayssick County’s Grate Gizzy Nicki Rodriguez, still mingling with citizens on Veggie Burger Avenue, is being confronted by an individual who looks just like her.

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Utter Astonish Shock]

N?: I suggest you take your hands off me. Right now.

N??: Why, ’cause you’re Grate Gizzy? You may be leader of this crummy dimension, but you can’t freakin’ tell me what to do!

N?: Oh, can’t I? 

N??: I’ll do what I want! 

SFX: [SciFi Laser] [Laser] 

N: Ow! Don’t you come that close to me again!

SFX: [Utter Astonish Shock] [Sneakers Squeaking]

N??: Running away? Whatsamatter? Afraid?

N?:  I’m moving away from the crowd so none of my citizens get hurt.

N??: You always care more about these citizens than you do your own family back on Earth!

SFX: [SciFi Laser] [Laser] [Utter Astonish Shock]

N?: Ow! Don’t you come any closer! 

N??: Looks like you just wanna stay here and ruin everything, don’t you?

N?: Is it so much against your interests for everyone to get along with each other?

N??: Ha! What do you know about getting along?  We can’t even get along with each other!

SFX: [SciFi Laser] [Laser] [Utter Astonish Shock]

N?: Ow! Has it occurred to you that if you destroy me, you’ll destroy yourself too?

N??: That might not be such a bad idea!

SFX: [Utter Astonish Shock]

N?: Listen to me! 

N??: Why should I listen to you?

N?: Because you are me.

N??: Yeah. Right….

N?: Don’t you remember when this happened before? Our doubles—you and me—are not really separate from each other! Our doubles are our shadow sides! They’ve manifested as separate entities to try and teach us! They’re still trying to teach us to make peace with ourselves! 

N??: Fat chance we’re gonna make peace with ourselves if we hate each other.

N?: That’s right. We agree on that. We’ll never be at peace if we hate ourselves. And I’ve been thinking. I should consider your feelings more because they’re really my feelings, too. I am sorry…. I’m really sorry. Maybe, just maybe, we can find a way to honor what we have to do here in Perswayssick County, then return home to Earth? I—I really don’t hate you. You just really make my life hard when you show up.

N??: I guess…I guess I don’t really hate you, either. But you do make me angry—furious—when you always try and shut me up….

N?: I see tears in your eyes.

N??: Not really. My eyes always water when it’s windy like this.

N?: Are you willing to try if I promise to try, too?

N??: Possibly. I’ve gotta think about it….

N: Take my hand…please. Take my hand.

SFX: [Closing] [Magic Glitter] [Utter Astonish Shock]

IS: Look! Nicki’s shadow side has merged vit her!

DI: Yah, Ingabore. Nicki ees trying so hard to make tings right. She feels so guilty dat she unvittingly brought dee virus of hate to dis dimension from her planet Earth. 

IS: And she realizes dat hate cannot be fought vit’ hate. Dere are no vinners den. 

DI: And she realizes dat sometimes all vee can do ees to be kind and relate to each odder on a vun-to-vun basis, even vhen vee do not agree. And den vee can try to find vays to move forward.

F: Jus’ like she convinced me an’ Grandma an’ all them others she was talkin’ to on Veggie Burger Avenue. 

G: My brilliant plan to deal wit’ them snitizens-turned-zombies helped, too. Them spoilt, freezer-burnt jackass burgers proboobably helped kill lots of them virus germs. 

IS: Yah, dey probably did. 

G: I could proboobably make a fortune marketin’ these burgers to help cure the virus an’ to get rid of zombies!

F: Yeah, Zig. An’ our hospitals would profit, too, wit’ all your new consumers comin’ in wit’ belly aches!

G: A win/win/win situation! I’m a stinkin’ genius!

DI: Sometimes hate starts vit’ a physical virus like dis Odiumisia epidemic dat has magnified negativity and ravaged our Persvayssick County. But I also tink dat hate itself has alvays existed and simply stems from eenside ourselves—you know, dee vay vee tink. Dere are no easy answers—I certainly don’t have dee answers. I believe though, een terms of stopping hate, much of eet starts vit vunself. Sometimes eet ees a lifelong battle—learning to love vunself. 

G: Good thing I love meee so much!

SFX: [Rock Logo] [Magic Spell]

G: It’s meee, Gneeecey! Stinkin’ thanks for listenin’! An’ if you enjoy this podcast, you’ll proboobably enjoy them two books that the Ig, Vicki Solá, wrote. Y’know, that these podcast epoopisodes are based on, You Can’t Unscramble the Omelet and also The Getaway That Got Away. You can find ’em both on Amazon! But don’t believe none of what she wrote ’bout meee, except if she wrote anything possiboobly good.

SFX: [Rock Logo] [Magic Spell]

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###