Who's in Charge Here, Anyways?

“Who’s in Charge Here, Anyways?” – Episode 133

Nicki and her not-so-nice shadow side continue to be at odds with each other, as surprises abound—for everyone—in the beleaguered dimension of Perswayssick County.

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Transcript

Transcript / Who’s in Charge Here, Anyways? – Episode 133, written by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. 

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…

SFX: [Magic Spell] 

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “Din-Din Time for Zombies,” canine-humanoid “Zig” Gneeecey has a sudden brainstorm, no pun intended, when it comes to dealing with the crowd of zombies milling about downtown on Veggie Burger Avenue. He phones his Gneeezle’s Restaurant employee, oversized mouse Altitude. He instructs him to cook up all of the establishment’s freezer-burned and most likely expired jackass burgers, as patrons have commented that these taste like brains. Gneeecey commands Altitude to pile the patties up on tables outside, then march downtown to collect the zombies and lead them to Gneeezle’s.

SFX: [Magic Spell]

G: Lemme put on the TV….

SFX: [Metal Click 4] [Glass Shatter] 

NEWS ANNOUNCER: Breaking news now! Our GAS-TV Channel Three-and-a-half news cam shows that crowd of zombies marching down Veggie Burger Avenue behind a giant mouse who’s banging a bell of some sort. They all appear to be heading in the direction of Murgatroyd Avenue.

SFX: [Zombies Chanting] [Cowbell]

ALTITUDE THE MOUSE: Brains! Brains! Come get your brains! We got brains! Follow me!

SFX: [Zombies Chanting] [Cowbell]

ATM: Come get your din-din! It’s din-din time for zombies! C’mon, guys! I ain’t afraid of no zombies!

G: Brilliant plan, if I say so myself. In addition to a big write-off, this’ll buy me more time.

SFX: [Zombies Chanting] [Cowbell] [Rock Logo] [Magic Spell]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, floating high up in icy, gray clouds, earthling Nicki Rodriguez encounters someone she knows all too well—her shadow side.

As the two hover over Hackensack and their “regular New Jersey” on Earth, Nicki’s angry shadow side insults her repeatedly and demands they return to their old lives. After all, Nicki’s shadow side must go wherever she goes. She has no choice. Nicki, recently elected Grate Gizzy of the dimension of Perswayssick County, feels that it was cowardly of her to leave in the first place during a crisis and decides that she must do what’s right—return and govern. 

Back in acting Grate Gizzy Gneeecey’s mansion, he and human Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas are startled by a sudden commotion.

SFX: [Magic Spell] [BodyFallHuman]

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: What in Bogelthorpe’s name was thaaat?

DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Eeet came from upstairs!

SFX: [Squeaking Sneakers] [Human Walk Upstairs] [Door Open]

DI: Nicki—dere are two of you!

G: Two Igs—on the floor! I hate all these stinkin’ compooplications! Am I still Grate Gizzy?

NICKI RODRIGUEZ? & NICKI RODRIGUEZ?? [in unison]: Not anymore!

G: Which stinkin’ one of youse is which? Which one of youse is the real Ig—who’s the real Grate Gizzy of this here lousy county? 

N? & N?? [in unison]: Me!

G: I don’t appreciamizate youse both talkin’ at once, or even bein’ here. I remember back when me, Flea, an’ the Ig had rotten doubles. I jus’ need to find out which one of youse is the rotten double. Until such time, I declarizate my stinkin’ self to be actin’ Grate Gizzy!

N??: You can’t even control yourself, much less a whole county.

G: Oh, yeah? So, this is what I get after implooplementin’ my brilliant, genius plaaan to deal wit’ them zombies? My way of runnin’ junk ’round here is priddy good, if I say so myself.

N??: Your screechy voice makes my head hurt more. It hit this wood floor when we landed…and, ow, I think I twisted my ankle, too….

N?: Well, then, my shady double, you stay here. I’ve gotta go run this county. Someone has to! See ya!

G: Ig! Ig—whichever one youse stinkin’ are—

DI: Nicki, please come back so vee can try and sort dis out!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Human Walk Downstairs] [Door Slam]

N??: Too late! Y’know, she’s my evil shadow side—she’s gonna try and ruin everything! If I could walk, I’d have run after her. But my ankle is killing me! She really needs to be stopped.

G: Well, let’s see how far she gets. I’m still teckooknically in charge here!

N??: No, you’re not—I am! If I could get up, I’d—

DI: Vell, you can’t. Now, let me take a look at dat ankle of yours…. Yah, eet ees a bit svollen, but eet looks like only a mild sprain. Vee vill ice eet. And I can give you something for pain. 

N??: I’m not taking anything you give me.

DI: Have eet your vay, den. I do suggest vee elevate your leg vit deese pillows and dat you get some sleep. I vill go get some ice.

G: In the meantime, Ig, I’ll read ya a nice bedtime story. SFX: [Rustling Papers] Let’s see…. Think I’ll read ya my latest draft of My Unauthorized Autobiography. I came up wit’ a new subtitle. Unstinkable, y’know, like them ships that keep floatin’ an’ can’t never go down? 

N??: A better subtitle should be “The Titanic.”

G: How dare you? I consider that to be defoofamation of charackookter! Look at this new clean dirty T-shirt I’m wearin’. It clearly says, “I am the brains of this operation.”

N??: Ha! Don’t let the zombies hear you!

G: Don’t get intelligent wit’ meee, ya Ig! I aaam certaintaneously the brains of this opooperation!

N??: And the name would be Nicki Rodriguez, not “Ig.” And furthermore—

G: Furthoothermore, stinkin’ whaaat, ya Ig?

N: I’ve always thought you’re a really dopey loser of a guy. A total jerk. And take your grimy fingers out of your ears.

G: La, la, la, I can’t hear you! La, la, la, I can’t hear you!

DI: Nicki—Nicki! Dee vay you are talking—I tink your Odiumisia virus has become active! I must do some more blood vurk on you to see eef dis virus of hate ees taking you over!

N??: You know what you really need to do? You really need to go catch my evil shadow self. She’s out there creating real damage—she’s a danger to Perswayssick County!

G: Usually everyone else around here is normal, ’cept meee….

N??: What?

SFX: [Cell Phone Ring]

G: Gotta take this call, Ig. Smello? Oh, it’s you, Altitude…. Whaddaya mean, who would it be if it wasn’t you? What, mouse, what’cha say? Most of them zombies turned normal again after they ate our jackass burgers? But a bunch of ’em are sick an’ the hospoopital is full of ’em? Both hospoopitals? Florence Ferguson Memorial an’ Holy Krapp? Well, nobody forced none of ’em to eat them jackass burgers—it was jus’ a suggestion. An’ for me, the benefits outweighed the risks. No, I ain’t givin’ ya a raise. Whaddaya mean, who’s in charge here, anyways? What’s that ya say? Turn on the TV? Ok, I stinkin’ will. G’bye.

SFX: [Metal Click 4] [Glass Shatter]

NEWS ANNOUNCER: Breaking news now! Our GAS-TV Channel Three-and-a-half news cam shows Grate Gizzy Nicki Rodriguez mingling one-on-one with citizens on Veggie Burger Avenue. They now seem peaceful. She appears to be shaking hands and listening to her constituents. 

N??: Look at her! My evil shadow side is brainwashing our citizens—she’s gonna make things a thousand times worse!

DI: Like dee newscaster said, dee citizens appear peaceful, now. Eet looks like she ees speaking to dem, vun on vun. 

SFX: [DoorLockUnlockKeys] [Door Open] [Squeaking Sneakers] [Human Walk Upstairs]

DI: Ingabore! Flea!

G: Graaandma! Fleaglossitty!

THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Oh, Alexandra, how can you ever forgive me? And Nicki and Diroctor Gneeecey. Here I am, a terapist, and I must apologize for my own behavior.

DI: Ingabore, vee are just so happy and relieved to see you!

G: Yeah, Graaandma! An’ hapoopy to see you too, Fleaglossitty!

IS: I must confess dat I still am not een dee best of moods, but speaking vit’ Nicki made me feel so much better. Just a little bit of kindness can go so far!

FLEAGLOSSITTY “FLEA” FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Yeah, guys, she even convinced that mean demolition guy to let me go back into my condemned apartment to retrieve my belongings before he knocks it down.

IS: Yah, dat Nicki ees so diplomatic and kindhearted…. Vait….

DI, IS, & F [in unison]: Nicki!

G: Ig!

IS: How can dat be Nicki in dat bed dere vit her leg up vhen vee just left Nicki on Veggie Burger Avenue, and she vas fine?

N??: I don’t care if I have to hop on one foot—I am outta here! That evil shadow side of mine has to be stopped—before she ruins everything!

SFX: [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]

G: It’s meee, Gneeecey! Stinkin’ thanks for listenin’! An’ if you enjoy this podcast, you’ll proboobably enjoy them two books that the Ig, Vicki Solá, wrote. Y’know, that these podcast epoopisodes are based on, You Can’t Unscramble the Omelet and also The Getaway That Got Away. You can find ’em both on Amazon! But don’t believe none of what she wrote ’bout meee, except if she wrote anything possiboobly good.

SFX: [Rock Logo] [Magic Spell]

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###