How Do We Stop Hate?

“How Do We Stop Hate?” – Episode 131

Perswayssick County remains gripped by a strange Earth virus—an actual epidemic of hate and violence. Despondent earthling, Nicki Rodriguez, drowning in guilt, finds herself floating once again in golden clouds, where she encounters Planet Eccchs’s wise leader, Zinfandel. She seeks answers but only receives questions. And lots of them. 

Meanwhile, Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas struggles to coax canine-humanoid Gneeecey from under his bed. In Nicki’s absence, he is Perswayssick County’s Acting Grate Gizzygalumpaggis.

Then, a TV news bulletin raises the stakes.

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Transcript

Transcript / How Do We Stop Hate? – Episode 131, written by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. 

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Cartoon Slow Sadness Stinger]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “Horror of Horrors,” the dimension of Perswayssick County remains gripped by an epidemic of hatred and violence. Stranded earthling Nicki Rodriguez, prone to dimension burn-induced amnesia, suddenly remembers that she possesses extraordinary powers and freezes the unruly crowd assembled on Veggie Burger Avenue—literally. Gneeecey’s formerly kindhearted-gone-rogue therapist Ingabore Scriblig, otherwise known as “Grandma,” Gneeecey’s nice-now-rotten pal and fellow canine-humanoid Sooperflea, also known as “Flea” and “Fleaglossity,” plus the mean demolition guy who wants to demolish Flea’s apartment building with him inside, and the evil alien Markmen and bloodthirsty onlookers have all become statues.

The effort of causing that has had a strange effect on Nicki, and she disappears before Gneeecey’s eyes, much to his horror. She finds herself floating through golden clouds, where she encounters Planet Eccchs’s wise leader, Zinfandel. Nicki, as newly elected Grate Gizzygalumpaggis, in charge of Perswayssick County, feels hopeless….

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Heavenly Drone]

NICKI RODRIGUEZ: So, now, what am I supposed to do? Everything down there is a total mess! Our citizens are attacking each other—hate has taken over! I’m way short of resources—I don’t know what to do!

ZINFANDEL: I know that in good conscience, you cannot and will not abandon your new home during such a crisis. And I’ve always believed, ever since watching you back on your planet, that you had the leadership qualities to make a real difference for our Eccchsers.

N: You’ve been watching me—all the way back when I was on my own planet?

Z: Something like that. And I believe that you can not only help Perswayssick County’s humans, canine-humanoids, and other assorted aliens live in peace, but you can also strengthen Gneeecey’s character.

N: That’s a tall order—

Z: You must go back and finish what you started! You cannot leave it like this—

N: I—I—

Z: It is truly time to utilize the powers that you possess. If not now, when? You must go back! Goodbye!

N: I—I—

SFX: [Magic Ringing] [SciFi Glimmer] [Magic Spell] 

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, a freaked out Gneeecey jumps into Nicki’s car and heads back to his mansion in Saint Bogelthorpe Parke. He’s not a very good driver….

SFX: [Car Engine Start-up] [Screeching Brakes] [Car Engine]

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY:  Lousy Ig froze everyone an’ jus’ stinkin’ disappeared. Well, bein’ that she ain’t here to argue wit’ me or even be Grate Gizzy of this here Perswayssick County no more, I, the Tempooporary-Vice-Grate-Gizzy-but-former-soon-to-be-again-Grate-Gizzy wit’ my powers as such, hereby in her absence declarizate myself to be Grate Gizzy! Someone gotta run this here stupid county! Hmmm…these streets are deserted, so I’ll get home quicker, where I can possiboobly hide under my bed…. Hey—look at that dopey tree—it ain’t lookin’ both ways—it’s jaywalkin’—walkin’ right into the middle of the road, right in front of this lousy car—

SFX: [A Car Crash] [Wood Demolition Bang] 

G: Lemme stinkin’ get out an’ check the damage….

SFX: [Metal Door Open] [Metal Crash 3] [Metal Crash 1]

G: Car’s busted…an’ so’s the tree….

SFX: [Fail Horn]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Gneeecey makes it home on foot and has a huge surprise coming his way…. After hearing a loud noise, he and Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas rush upstairs and find Nicki—in her bed. 

G: Ig! Ig: Looky—the Ig’s magically back home—in her bed! I mean, in the bed I assigned her!

DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Nicki! Vee vere so vurried!

G: Speak for yourself, Doctor Idnas. Y’know, Ig, we were stinkin’ worried ’bout ya! Now, how’d ya get all the stinkin’ way from that sidewalk on Veggie Burger Avenue to your own bed—I mean, the bed I let ya sleep in—here in my maaansion?

N: Why—why are you both wearing masks?

G: Ya gonna tell her? Ya gonna tell her?

DI: Yes, Diroctor Gneeecey. Nicki, you remember vhen I called you and said eet vas urgent dat I speak vit you?

N: Yes, Doctor Idnas…. I do….

DI: I mentioned dat I analyzed dee blood samples I took from you, Gneeecey, and Grandma. And my own as vell.

N: And?

DI: Eet turns out dat dis ees an actual virus affecting our citizens and making dem attack each odder so hatefully….

N: A virus?

DI: Yah. Nicki. An actual virus. My research indicates dat eet ees a virus known as Odiumisia. An actual virus causing hate.

N: Seriously?

DI: Yah. So far, I am testing negative. And Diroctor Gneeecey’s blood vurk reveals some antibodies, but so far he remains asymptomatic. Grandma has tested positive. And Nicki, your blood vurk reveals antibodies for dis virus….

G: Ya gonna tell her the rest?

N: The rest of what?

DI: Nicki, my research indicates dat dis virus originated on your planet Earth, and you have unvittingly brought dee virus here, to Persvayssick County…. I am so sorry to have to tell you dis…. Vee vill take care of you and see you tru dis. Vee know you vould never purposely—

N: You mean, you mean, I—I’m the one responsible for all the hatred and fighting that’s taken over this county? I—I never meant to bring any harm anywhere…. If this is true, I can’t live with myself!

SFX: [Spooky Hollow Fear] [Orbital Fear] [Jet Engine Start-up] [Supersonic Aerodynamic Whoosh] [Magic Summons] [Magic Glitter] 

DI: Nicki! Nicki! 

G: Ig! Ig! Ig! The Ig disappeared again! Does that mean I’m still Grate Gizzy?

SFX: [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Magic Spell] [Cartoon Slow Sadness Stinger] [Cuckoo Clock] [Human Walk Upstairs] [Door Open] [Cartoon Chattering Teeth]

DI: Diroctor Gneeecey—vhere are you?

G: Under my stinkin’ bed, Doctor Idnas, where I’m safe! An’ I ain’t comin’ out!

SFX: [Cartoon Chattering Teeth] 

DI: Vhat ees dat noise? Eet sounds like chattering teeth! Do you have fever? Are you shivering?

SFX: [Cartoon Chattering Teeth] 

G: It’s my lousy knees—they’re knockin’!

DI: Diroctor Gneeecey, you must come out from under dat bed. As Nicki ees missing again, you are Acting Grate Gizzy! 

G: Thaaat’s the problem—I liked it a lot better when it was jus’ her dopey problem! I don’t stinkin’ know how to stop hate! Sheeee’s supposed to be dealin’ wit’ this—not meee!

DI: Vell, she ees not here, but you are. Vee have a major crisis on our hands, and you need to step up. You and I must act as a team now eef vee are to save Persvayssick County.

G: But there ain’t no “I” in team. So, I ain’t comin’ out! An’ it’s the Ig’s stooopid fault, this whole Odiumisical hate virus. After all, she brung it here from her inferior plaaanet!

DI: Odiumisia. 

G: Well, it’s all Greek to me.

DI: As a matter of fact, eet ees. Dee name of dee virus comes from Latin and Greek roots on Nicki’s planet Earth.

G: Like I said, it’s all the lousy Ig’s fault. So, sheee gotta come back an’ fix it—not meee!

DI: Remember, you also do bear some responsibility—do not forget, dere are antibodies in your blood caused by your own trips to Nicki’s planet.

G: Well, since the Ig froze everyone into dopey statues, I can proboobably nap for a while. Even possiboobly watch a little TeeeVeee to calm my stinkin’ self down.

DI: Diroctor Gneeecey, vee don’t know vhen everyvun might vake up, and vhat physical or mental state dey vill be in vhen dey do. I tink you need to put on your big boy pants and come out from under dere.

G: I hate lotsa people, so don’t stinkin’ expect me to know how to stop hate. You’re a doctor. Ain’t there no antidote? Or no vackookcination availavoolable? 

DI: I am vurking on all of dis. But I need your assistance. Now, please come out from under dat bed—right now! You vanted to be Grate Gizzy again! Vell, you are now!

G: Maybe wit’ you talkin’ wit’ your mask on, I ain’t understandicatin’ ya too good. I said I ain’t comin’ out! Uh-oh—aaah, hah, haah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins] Oh, stinkin’ noooo—I jus’ sneezed—I hope I ain’t got this stooopid virus now! I’ll sue the Ig when she comes back!

DI: You most likely just sneezed out dimes, as you usually do. But I do need you to come out now so dat I can do additional blood vurk on you to ensure dat eet ees nothing more dan dat! Come on, now, Diroctor Gneeecey—come out from under dere! You are smarter dan dis.

G: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! I ain’t!

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Heavenly Drone] [SciFi Glimmer] [Angels From Heaven]

Z: Hello again, my child.

N: Zinfandel—you knew I’d be dealing with this, didn’t you? And you let me go back down to Perswayssick County—you actually encouraged me to go back when you knew I’d find out that I am responsible for this whole mess?

Z: You must go back and make it right because you are responsible. And I do not state this with malice but with compassion.

N: Huh? I don’t understand. All I know is that I can’t live with myself knowing that I unintentionally—totally unwittingly—brought a virus of hate to the dimension of Perswayssick County—the place I am now charged with leading…. Everything I stand for means nothing…. Everything I ever stood for means nothing…. I mean nothing….

Z: My child, isn’t that all the more reason for you to return to Perswayssick County and make things right?

N: Easier said than done. How, I ask you, how do we stop hate?

Z: How do we stop hate anywhere? How do we stop hate wherever it festers in this infinite universe that we inhabit? How do we stop hate in Perswayssick County? How do we stop hate on your planet Earth? What can any of us do? What do each one of us have within our power to do? Mustn’t we each search within ourselves? If not now, when?

N: You’re not giving me any answers—just a bunch of questions without answers. Maybe then I’ll just return to my own planet and work on it there.

Z: My child, you must look within yourself for answers. And there are no simple answers. 

N: Like I said, with all due respect, I think I’ll just return to my own planet and work on it there. I know how to get back…. 

SFX: [Closing] [Magic Glitter]

N: Zinfandel…Zinfandel…. Where are you?

SFX: [Magic Glitter] [Magic Spell] [Cartoon Slow Sadness Stinger] [Cuckoo Clock]

DI: Vell, Diroctor Gneeecey, I am vary glad dat you’ve finally decided to come out from under your bed.

G: Well, Doctor Idnas, hiding makes a person hungry. Thanks for bringin’ me up that piece of Mrs. Dammit’s Sloggenberry pie wit’ chicken-flavored ice cream on top.

SFX: [Dog Eating] [Giant Burp]

DI: As I said, I’m glad you finally decided to halp me. 

G: Now, meee, as the highly educated skientist that I am, in addition to all my other impressive qualifoolifications, I’m wonderin’ how long Graaandma, Fleaglossitty, an’ all them other people the Ig froze can stay like statues….. I’m wonderin’, y’know, ’bout their metaboliboolical functions an’ junk.

DI: Vall, vhile you vere shivering under your bed—

G: —ya mean, while my knees were knockin’ under my bed—

DI: —yah—vhatever—I had Officer Goodman give me a lift downtown to Veggie Burger Avenue. 

G: Well, I woulda, if I wasn’t so busy.

DI. Yah, right. So, I checked dee breathing of deese so-called statues. Eeet ees vary slowed down—almost like dey are een a state of hibernation.

G: Hiboobernation?

DI: Yah. Een all my years in medicine, I have never seen anyting like dis. I also did take a risk—I managed to take another blood sample from Grandma to compare vit dee vun I already have. She did not even blink.

G: Well, I’m gonna do more than stinkin’ blink when ya come at me wit’ that big needle in your hand!

DI: I told you, Diroctor Gneeecey, I need to ensure dat vhen you sneezed out dose dimes, eet vas nothing more dan dat. After all, you deed before test positive for dee Odiumisia antibodies.

G: Maybe if I put my lousy TeeeVeee on, it’ll calm me down so’s ya can steal some more of my precious blood.

DI: Alright, den….

SFX: [Metal Click 4] [Glass Shatter]

NEWS ANNOUNCER: Breaking news now! A sudden storm has materialized in downtown Perswayssick City, causing the frozen, statue-like crowd of citizens on Veggie Burger Avenue to come back to life. On the scene now is our Channel Three-and-a-half GAS-TV correspondent, Stu Pitt.

SFX: [Pouring Rain With a Thunderstorm] [Zombies Chanting]

NEWS ANNOUNCER: Stu…Stu?

SFX: [Pouring Rain With a Thunderstorm] [Zombies Chanting] [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Magic Spell]

G: It’s meee, Gneeecey! Stinkin’ thanks for listenin’! An’ if you enjoy this podcast, you’ll proboobably enjoy them two books that the Ig, Vicki Solá, wrote. Y’know, that these podcast epoopisodes are based on, You Can’t Unscramble the Omelet and also The Getaway That Got Away. You can find ’em both on Amazon! But don’t believe none of what she wrote ’bout meee, except if she wrote anything possiboobly good.

SFX: [Rock Logo] [Magic Spell]

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###