Horror of Horrors

“Horror of Horrors” – Episode 130

Earthling Nicki Rodriguez finds out something that rocks her world…uh, make that, worlds! 

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Transcript

Transcript / Horror of Horrors – Episode 130, written by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. 

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Cartoon Slow Sadness Stinger]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “If Not Now, When?”, the epidemic of hate continues to plague Perswayssick County. Gneeecey’s formerly kindhearted-gone-rogue therapist Ingabore Scriblig, otherwise known as “Grandma,” has, despite being under Doctor Alexandra Idnas’s watchful eye, slipped out of Gneeecey’s mansion. She’s made her way downtown to Veggie Burger Avenue. She’s shouting for the demolition guys to knock down Gneeecey’s pal, fellow canine-humanoid Sooperflea’s condemned apartment building—with him inside. And Sooperflea, also known as “Flea” and “Fleaglossity,” is refusing to budge! Inspired by Grandma, the crowd bellows, “Knock it down! Knock it down!”

The dimension of Perswayssick County’s new Grate Gizzy, stranded Earth human Nicki Rodriguez, hampered by a shortage of law enforcement personnel, is struggling to quell spreading violence. The bad guys see a real opportunity here….

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Scary Ambience]

EVIL MARKMAN 1: Dat’s what’cha get, puttin’ someone from Earth in charge!

EVIL MARKMAN 2: Dat’s right—an she’s a girl, too. Y’know, we could take over this whole county real easy—right now!

EVIL MARKMAN 1: Yeah—let’s do it!

SFX: [Ambulance Siren] [Police Siren] [Scream]

THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA: Vhy don’t you demolition guys knock dat stupid Sooperflea out of there! Now! Knock dee building down! Knock eet down! Knock eet down!

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In the midst of all the madness, Nicki receives a phone call from a distraught Doctor Idnas.

SFX: [Cell Phone Ring]

NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Hello—Doctor Idnas?

DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Nicki! Vhile I vas analyzing dee blood samples I took, Grandma somehow got past me and escaped from dee mansion—she must have voken up and—

N: I know, Doctor Idnas, I know—she just showed up here, and she’s taunting Flea and the demolition guys!

DI: I know you have your hands full, but at your first opportunity, I absolutely must see you!

N: I’ll—I’ll be back as soon as I can get all this under control! Bye!

IS: Knock eet down! Knock eet down

CROWD: Knock it down! Knock it down! Knock it down!

DEMOLITION GUY: Looks like the majority rules!

N: No, it doesn’t! This is not democracy! It’s hate!

IS: Knock eet down! Knock eet down!

CROWD: Knock it down! Knock it down! Knock it down!

N: Hey—Diroctor Gneeecey—where do you think you’re going with my car keys?

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Forgot, Ig—I gotta go home an’ order ya more ink an’ paper—for your printer! Remember?

N: You get back here right now!

G: Well then, dooo somethin’, ya Ig!

DEMOLITION GUY: Looks like the crowd’s gonna get their wish! 

SFX: [Applause]

DEMOLITION GUY: Here goes! Ten…nine…eight….

SFX: [Helicopter]

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Then, suddenly, Nicki hears a voice in her head. It’s the voice of sinister Superhero Academy Professor Willard Wallbang, who’d stopped by earlier, chiding her for stubbornly refusing to learn to exercise her superhero powers correctly. Due to dimension burn, the stranded human’s memory is spotty. She often forgets that she possesses the special powers caused by dimension burn.

SFX: [Eerie Scary Logo]

G: What’s the matter, Ig? Ain’cha gonna dooo somethin’?

N: He was right…I hear it in my head….

PROFESSOR WILLARD WALLBANG: If not now, when? If not now, when? If not now, when?

G: Ig! Ig! Ya lookin’ all funny—an’ scary!

SFX: [Spooky Hollow Fear] [Jet Engine Start-up] [Supersonic Aerodynamic Whoosh] [Magic Summons] [Passing Swoosh Exploding] [Magic Glitter] 

N: Now, what? I—I—

G: Ya stinkin’ froze everyone still, right in the stinkin’ middle of what they were doin’—’cept for meee an’ yooou!

N: I—I must’ve done something to myself, too—I—I don’t feel so well….

SFX: [BodyFallHuman]

G: Ig! Ig!

SFX: [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Magic Spell] [Magic Ringing] [SciFi Glimmer]

N: Where—where am I? It’s like I’m floating—way up above everything…looking down…and no one down there’s moving…everyone’s frozen solid, like statues…except for Gneeecey…. And why’s Gneeecey down there shouting “Ig” at the empty pavement?

SFX: [Magic Ringing] [Alien Transform]

G: Ig! Ig! Ig! Ig! Ig! Ig! Where in Bogelthorpe’s name ya gone? One minute ya were stinkin’ here, an’ now you’re stinkin’ gone! An’ everyone ’round here’s froze ’cept meee! Well, I got your lousy car keys, an’ I aaam outta here!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Metal Click 4] [Car Engine Start-up] [Screeching Brakes] [Car Engine]

G: Lousy Ig froze everyone an’ jus’ stinkin’ disappeared. Well, bein’ that she ain’t here to argue wit’ me or even be Grate Gizzy of this here Perswayssick County no more, I, the Tempooporary-Vice-Grate-Gizzy-but-former-soon-to-be-again-Grate-Gizzy wit’ my powers as such, hereby in her absence declarizate myself to be Grate Gizzy! Someone gotta run this here stupid county! Hmmm…these streets are deserted, so I’ll get home quicker, where I can possiboobly hide under my bed…. Hey—look at that dopey tree—it ain’t lookin’ both ways—it’s jaywalkin’—walkin’ right into the middle of the road, right in front of this lousy car—

SFX: [A Car Crash] [Wood Demolition Bang] 

G: Lemme stinkin’ get out an’ check the damage….

SFX: [Metal Door Open] [Metal Crash 3] [Metal Crash 1]

G: Car’s busted…an’ so’s the tree…. Ig ain’t here to get mad at me for the tree bustin’ her car. An’ as for the lousy tree, it was breakin’ the law…jus’ like everyone else ’round here. Deserved to get busted. I’m gonna issue it a ticket! An’ a big fine! Anyways, fortoonately, I, meee, Perswayssick County’s Grate Gizzy again, am so close to home, I can stinkin’ walk the rest of the way….

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Magic Spell] [Heavenly Drone] 

N: Where—where am I? I’m—I’m drifting through golden clouds…hurts my eyes to look at ’em…. I don’t know which way’s up or which way’s down…this is crazy…. I’m so sick and tired of all this dimension jumping…. Why can’t my life be normal?

SFX: [Angels from Heaven]

N: What the—

ZINFANDEL: My child, tis I, Zinfandel. And so, we meet again…. As a matter of fact, I’ve been expecting you.

N: You have?

Z: Yes, my child. As for your life not being normal, don’t you remember what you once decided?

N: Since you seem to know so much about me, please refresh my memory.

Z: Not so long ago, back on your planet Earth, you said that you had decided not to live an ordinary life.

N: Yeah…. I do remember. And I also said that it was a decision I grew to hate! I didn’t ask for any of this! I didn’t ask to be Grate Gizzy! I didn’t ask to meet Gneeecey! I didn’t ask to accidentally end up in Perswayssick County! And then when I finally made the decision, one that could’ve killed me—y’know, with my dimension burn—to return to my world, I was tricked, by Gneeecey, to travel back to this—this bizarre…place! 

Z: But you also had the opportunity, when your shadow side confronted you, to finally return to your own world. You and she were hovering in the skies right over Hackensack—in your New Jersey. She was demanding to land, but you won out. You two did finally make peace with each other, allowing yourselves to merge—or remerge.

N: Yes…. Of course, I remember….

Z: As much as you love and miss your Earth life and family, you also felt out of place there—you didn’t fit in. You stated that you felt that Perswayssick County was your real home. You stated that Gneeecey, Flea, Doctor Idnas, and Grandma were family to you. And that you loved them.

N: [sighs] Yes…yes….

Z: And when it came to light that a constitutional technicality made Gneeecey ineligible to run for another consecutive term as county leader—Grate Gizzygalumpaggis—you accepted.

N: Yes, to keep the bad guys from taking power. Now, I have a question for you. You are the leader of Planet Eccchs.

Z: Yes.

N: Well. how come you don’t, y’know, use a more hands-on approach when it comes to helping Gneeecey find a way to help your fifteen million citizens that were stranded in Perswayssick County as a result of that Exponential Dimensional Event—y’know, when your Planet Eccchs accidentally grazed Earth’s atmosphere—right over my New Jersey—and created the new dimension of Perswayssick County?

Z: Alas, my dear child, I can only guide from afar. Even I cannot materialize in your Perswayssick County.

N: My Perswayssick County?

Z: You’ve made it your home.

N: And it was my understanding that you charged Gneeecey with leading Perswayssick County and overseeing scientific research that would eventually enable our stranded citizens to return to Planet Eccchs.

Z: Ah, yes…. Young Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey seemed like such a bright, energetic, and determined young canine-humanoid. Really driven. But alas, greed and personal power overpowered those virtues. 

N: So, now, what am I supposed to do? Everything down there is a total mess! Our citizens are attacking each other—hate has taken over! I’m way short of resources—I don’t know what to do!

Z: I know that in good conscience, you cannot and will not abandon your new home during such a crisis. And I’ve always believed, ever since watching you back on your planet, that you had the leadership qualities to make a real difference for our Eccchsers.

N: You’ve been watching me—all the way back when I was on my own planet?

Z: Something like that. And I believe that you can not only help Perswayssick County’s humans, canine-humanoids, and other assorted aliens live in peace, but you can also strengthen Gneeecey’s character.

N: That’s a tall order—

Z: You must go back and finish what you started! You cannot leave it like this—

N: I—I—

Z: It is truly time to utilize the powers that you possess. If not now, when? You must go back! Goodbye!

N: I—I—

SFX: [Magic Ringing] [SciFi Glimmer] [Closing] [Magic Spell] [BodyFallHuman]

G: Stinkin’ what in Bogelthorpe’s name was thaaat?

DI: Eeet sounded like eet came from upstairs!

SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Human Walk Upstairs] [Door Open]

G: Ig! Ig: Looky—the Ig’s magically back home—in her bed! I mean, in the bed I assigned her!

DI: Nicki! Vee vere so vurried!

G: Speak for yourself, Doctor Idnas. Y’know, Ig, we were stinkin’ worried ’bout ya! Now, how’d ya get all the stinkin’ way from that sidewalk on Veggie Burger Avenue to your own bed—I mean, the bed I let ya sleep in—here in my maaansion?

N: Why—why are you both wearing masks?

G: Ya gonna tell her? Ya gonna tell her?

DI: Yes, Diroctor Gneeecey. Nicki, you remember vhen I called you and said eet vas urgent dat I speak vit you?

N: Yes, Doctor Idnas…. I do….

DI: I mentioned dat I analyzed dee blood samples I took from you, Gneeecey, and Grandma. And my own as vell.

N: And?

DI: Eet turns out dat dis ees an actual virus affecting our citizens and making dem attack each odder so hatefully….

N: A virus?

DI: Yah. Nicki. An actual virus. My research indicates dat eet ees a virus known as Odiumisia. An actual virus causing hate.

N: Seriously?

DI: Yah. So far, I am testing negative. And Diroctor Gneeecey’s blood vurk reveals some antibodies, but so far he remains asymptomatic. Grandma has tested positive. And Nicki, your blood vurk reveals antibodies for dis virus….

G: Ya gonna tell her the rest?

N: The rest of what?

DI: Nicki, my research indicates dat dis virus originated on your planet Earth, and you have unvittingly brought dee virus here, to Persvayssick County…. I am so sorry to have to tell you dis…. Vee vill take care of you and see you tru dis. Vee know you vould never purposely—

N: You mean, you mean, I—I’m the one responsible for all the hatred and fighting that’s taken over this county? I—I never meant to bring any harm anywhere…. If this is true, I can’t live with myself!

SFX: [Spooky Hollow Fear] [Orbital Fear] [Jet Engine Start-up] [Supersonic Aerodynamic Whoosh] [Magic Summons] [Magic Glitter] 

DI: Nicki! Nicki! 

G: Ig! Ig! Ig! The Ig disappeared again! Does that mean I’m still Grate Gizzy?

SFX: [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Magic Spell]

G: It’s meee, Gneeecey! Stinkin’ thanks for listenin’! An’ if you enjoy this podcast, you’ll proboobably enjoy them two books that the Ig, Vicki Solá, wrote. Y’know, that these podcast epoopisodes are based on, You Can’t Unscramble the Omelet and also The Getaway That Got Away. You can find ’em both on Amazon! But don’t believe none of what she wrote ’bout meee, except if she wrote anything possiboobly good.

SFX: [Rock Logo] [Magic Spell]

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com. 

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###