Transcript / If Not Now, When? – Episode 129, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Cartoon Slow Sadness Stinger]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “It’s All About a Crisis,” the epidemic of hate has spread. Therapist Ingabore Scriblig, also known as “Grandma,” has turned on her housemate comrades Nicki Rodriguez, Dr. Alexandra C. Idnas, and “Zig” Gneeecey.
SFX: [Magic Spell]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Now, I wonder what’s wrong with Fleaglossitty?
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Yah, vhat ees wrong vit heem?
G: Maybe his girlfriend Prindl dumped him.
DI: Diroctor Gneeecey. I tink eet ees bigger dan dat. Something ees affecting not only Flea but our entire county! Vhat do you tink, Ingabore?
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA: Vhy should I care? I’m sick of you stupid people!
G: What’s wrong wit’ yooou, Grandma? Prindl didn’t dump yooou!
IS: And Nicki, your coffee stinks!
SFX: [Dish Ceramic] [Splash Water 4]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Grandma!
DI: Ingabore—come back here—please!
IS: Vhy should I listen to any of you idiots?
SFX: [Human Walk Upstairs] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Duck Horn]
G: Sounds like Graaandma fell on her bimbus! SFX: [Door Slam] [Magic Spell]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: And the mystifying pattern of violence—Perswayssick County citizens physically and randomly attacking each other for no apparent reason, has spread from the Telephone Pole Hill District to Veggie Burger Avenue.
There, Gneeecey’s longtime pal, the now-hostile fellow canine-humanoid “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, also known as “Sooperflea,” has holed himself up in his efficiency apartment, high up inside a condemned building. The angry superhero is refusing to leave, even though the scheduled demolition of the structure is about to occur any minute—with or without him inside. Helpless, Nicki and Gneeecey watch the tense standoff unfold live on TV….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
DEMOLITION GUY: We got orders to demolish this buildin’. If ya don’t come out now, we’re gonna aim this wreckin’ ball right at that oversized head of yours—an’ we’re gonna enjoy it!
SFX: [UtterAstonishShock]
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA, “SOOPERFLEA: Ain’t comin’ out! Awready told youse!
SFX: [UtterAstonishShock]
N: That’s Flea!
G: Yellin’ out the busted window of his lousy old condemned inefficiency apartment!
DG: Hope ya got plenty of aspirin up there, buddy, ’cause you’re gonna need some in a minute when we get through wit’ ya!
SFX: [UtterAstonishShock] [Police Siren] [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Magic Spell] [Cartoon Slow Sadness Stinger] [Cuckoo Clock]
DI: Nicki, Diroctor Gneeecey, I know you have to get down to Veggie Burger Avenue to try and talk some sense into Flea—
N: Yes, Doctor Idnas. I’ve had Officer Goodman dispatch whatever units he can spare down there, but I don’t know how much difference that’ll make. I’ve gotta get down there and see what I can do—before it’s too late! And Flea still isn’t answering his phone.
DI: Vell, tank you both for letting me take blood samples. I also took vun from Grandma after I vas able to sedate her. I have a sort of a hunch…. Please, both of you, be careful!
N: We will. C’mon Diroctor Gneeecey…. Well, are you coming with me? This situation calls for all hands on deck.
G: This ain’t no ship. Not even a yacht or sailboat.
N: As former Grate Gizzy, your, uh, expertise might prove helpful here.
G: I’m former-soon-to-be-again-Grate-Gizzy. An’ I got lotsa junk to do. Someone gotta stay here an’ y’know, take care of my mansion here. My sock drawer needs organizin’.
N: Okay—I’m just gonna go ahead, and with the power of my authority, declare you Temporary Vice Grate Gizzy—right now! So, consider yourself sworn in! Now, c’mon!
G: Y’know, this could work in my favor if somethin’ hapoopens to yooou. An’ don’t stinkin’ forget, my new title is Tempooporary-Vice-Grate-Gizzy-but-former-soon-to-be-again-Grate-Gizzy.
N: Whatever! Now, c’mon—every second counts!
SFX: [Doorbell Ring]
N: Now, what?
SFX: [Doorbell Ring] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Eerie Scary Logo]
N: Uh, Professor Wallbang—I don’t have time now—
PROFESSOR WILLARD WALLBANG: I fully realize that, Ms. Rodriguez—or should I make that, Grate Gizzygalumpaggis Rodriguez—
G: That’s stinkin’ Grate Gizzy—in case ya forgot, yooou ain’t authorizated to use all them unauthorizated vowels an’ consonants we’re tryin’ to conservate in this here lousy county!
N: Look, Professor, I really don’t have time for this right now—we’ve gotta go!
PWW: I know, Ms. Rodriguez, I know. This is your very first emergency—your very first full-fledged crisis as leader of Perswayssick County—
N: Yeah. Now, please—get out of my way! I’ve gotta go! I really don’t want to have to—
PWW: Have to what, Ms. Rodriguez? Use the unique powers we both know you possess but stubbornly refuse to learn to exercise correctly?
N: I’m not gonna ask you again. Remove yourself from my doorway. I demand that you step aside! Now!
PWW: Very well, Ms. Rodriguez, very well. I shall remove myself from your doorway but leave you with one burning question. One that will haunt you. If not now, when? Good day.
N: C’mon, Diroctor Gneeecey—let’s go!
SFX: [Door Slam] [Magic Spell] [Screeching Brakes] [Helicopter] [Police Siren] [Ambulance Siren] [FistFight] [Male Scream 3] [Scream] [Male Scream 6]
N: They’re all still fighting! There’s Flea—he’s still up there in his window!
DEMOLITION GUY: I said, we got orders to demolish this here buildin’. If ya don’t come out now, we’re gonna wreck this thing wit’ you in it!
SFX: [UtterAstonishShock]
N: Flea! It’s me—Nicki! You come out—right now!
G: Yeah, Fleaglossitty, ya big dope! Get your lousy bimbus outta that dump of yours right stinkin’ now!
F: Ain’t comin’ out! Awready told youse! An’ who told youse two blockheads to come here anyways an’ interfere wit’ my life?
N: Guys—guys—as Grate Gizzy of Perswayssick County, I order you to hold off on this demolition until I say otherwise!
DEMOLITION GUY: Look, lady—we don’t gotta listen to you. We can knock your block off, too, right now, an’ you can’t do nuthin’ about it!
SFX: [Scary Ambience]
EVIL MARKMAN 1: Dat’s what’cha get, puttin’ someone from Earth in charge!
EVIL MARKMAN 2: Dat’s right—an she’s a girl, too. Y’know, we could take over this whole county real easy—right now!
EVIL MARKMAN 1: Yeah—let’s do it!
SFX: [Ambulance Siren] [Police Siren] [Scream]
IS: Vhy don’t you demolition guys knock dat stupid Sooperflea out of there! Now! Knock dee building down! Knock eet down! Knock eet down!
SFX: [Cell Phone Ring]
N: Hello—Doctor Idnas?
DI: Nicki! Vhile I vas analyzing dee blood samples I took, Grandma somehow got past me and escaped from dee mansion—she must have voken up and—
N: I know, Doctor Idnas, I know—she just showed up here, and she’s taunting Flea and the demolition guys!
DI: I know you have your hands full, but at your first opportunity, I absolutely must see you!
N: I’ll—I’ll be back as soon as I can get all this under control! Bye!
IS: Knock eet down! Knock eet down
CROWD: Knock it down! Knock it down! Knock it down!
DEMOLITION GUY: Looks like the majority rules!
N: No, it doesn’t! This is not democracy! It’s hate!
IS: Knock eet down! Knock eet down!
CROWD: Knock it down! Knock it down! Knock it down!
N: Hey—Diroctor Gneeecey—where do you think you’re going with my car keys?
G: Forgot, Ig—I gotta go home an’ order ya more ink an’ paper—for your printer! Remember?
N: You get back here right now!
G: Well then, dooo somethin’, ya Ig!
DEMOLITION GUY: Looks like the crowd’s gonna get their wish!
SFX: [Applause]
DEMOLITION GUY: Here goes! Ten…nine…eight….
SFX: [Eerie Scary Logo]
G: What’s the matter, Ig? Ain’cha gonna dooo somethin’?
N: He was right…I hear it in my head….
PWW: If not now, when? If not now, when? If not now, when?
G: Ig! Ig! Ya lookin’ all funny—an’ scary!
SFX: [Spooky Hollow Fear] [Jet Engine Start-up] [Supersonic Aerodynamic Whoosh] [Magic Summons] [Passing Swoosh Exploding] [Magic Glitter]
N: Now, what? I—I—
G: Ya stinkin’ froze everyone still, right in the stinkin’ middle of what they were doin’—’cept for meee an’ yooou!
N: I—I must’ve done something to myself, too—I—I don’t feel so well….
SFX: [BodyFallHuman]
G: Ig! Ig!
SFX: [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Magic Spell]
G: It’s meee, Gneeecey! Stinkin’ thanks for listenin’! An’ if you enjoy this podcast, you’ll proboobably enjoy them two books that the Ig, Vicki Solá, wrote. Y’know, that these podcast epoopisodes are based on, You Can’t Unscramble the Omelet and also The Getaway That Got Away. You can find ’em both on Amazon! But don’t believe none of what she wrote ’bout meee, except if she wrote anything possiboobly good.
SFX: [Rock Logo] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###