Transcript / New Year, New Flea! – Episode 127, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2024 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Auld Lang Syne]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Hey, Vicki here again, wishing you and your loved ones a healthy, happy New Year! And yes, we are back with a whole new season of adventures with Nicki, Gneeecey, Sooperflea, and the whole Perswayssick County gang—including the bad guys! We thank you so much for listening! And if you enjoy this podcast, you’ll enjoy my two books that these episodes are based upon, You Can’t Unscramble the Omelet and also The Getaway That Got Away. You can find ’em both on Amazon!
SFX: [Wood Demolition Bang] [Door Open]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Hey, ya lousy Ig—
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Excuse me, uh, Diroctor Gneeecey, but I’m Vicki—
G: Can’t never tell the difference between you an’ that Nicki. Could that be ’cause you an’ her are the same person? As dopey, former-soon-to-be-again Grate Gizzy of Perswayssick County, I demaaand to know!
NVS: I, uh, wish—uh, I demand to exercise my Fifth Amendment right here, just like we do in my country, y’know, back on my planet Earth—
G: Stinkin’ whatever. Jus’ popped in to say, enough of your stooopid, shameless self-promotion! Let’s jus’ get on wit’ our new epoopisode!
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo] [Cuckoo Clock] [Rooster Crow] [House Residential]
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Oh, Nicki, deese breakfast pastries smell so good!
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah, Nicki, dey do! A great vay to start a new year!
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Fresh out of the oven for a fresh new year. These are Mrs, Dammit’s Sloggenberry Turnovers—all-natural ingredients! None of that toxic mierk that plagues our county! One of my New Year’s resolutions is to be healthy!
SFX: [Flushing the Toilet] [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: Resolutions, schmezolutions. Never stinkin’ make any ’cause I bust ’em by the second day of the new year.
N: Good morning, Diroctor Gneeecey…uh, I mean, like we say here in Perswayssick County, bad morning.
G: Hey, what’s that stinkin’ good smell?
DI: Nicki baked us some of Mrs. Dammit’s mierk-free Sloggenberry breakfast turnovers!
G: Don’t count on nuthin’ ’round here bein’ free of that poisonous mierk, Doctor Idnas.
N: Well, Diroctor Gneeecey, you’re the one—for some reason—who’s always been resistant to ridding our county of that toxic glop that coats our riverbanks and gets into everything imaginable—even our foods!
G: Don’t wanna stinkin’ talk ’bout it. Hmmm, these do stink swell! I’m gonna have sevooveral of ’em wit’ my Merk Perk Coffee here.
N: Uh, Diroctor Gneeecey, you can’t take four turnovers. You have to put three of ’em back.
G: Stinkin’ why?
N: Because there are only six of them, and there are five of us.
G: That still leaves a extra one, so I can actually have two. An’ I can actually eat three ’cause Fleaglossitty ain’t come downstairs yet. Early worm eats the bird!
N: Speaking of Flea, where is he?
IS: Yah! Flea ees usually dee first vun downstairs each morning.
DI: Yah, Ingabore. I don’t recall him saying he had dee day off today.
N: If he’s not down in a few minutes, I’ll go check on him.
G: Better you than me, ya Ig.
N: The name is Nicki, and please put that third turnover you’ve got over there on this plate for Flea. You’ve already got the extra one.
G: Aw-stinkin’-right, Ig. Ya always wreck my fun. Hmmm. By the way, Ig, these lousy turnabouts are real good!
SFX: [Dog Eating] [Giant Burp]
N: Uh…excuse you?
G: ’Scuze who? You? Oh, an’ by the way, Ig, this mornin’ I intercepticated your mornin’ county briefing. It was sent early!
N: You what? How dare you? I’m Grate Gizzygalumpaggis of Perswayssick County now, not you!
G: That’s Grate Gizzy, ya vowel an’ consonant stealin’ Ig.
N: That classified information is meant for me, not you! How do you expect me to run this county properly?
G: Well, as dopey, former-soon-to-be-again Grate Gizzy of this here lousy Perswayssick County, I have the right to read your classified junk.
N: You do not!
G: An’ ya should really thank me!
N: For what? Breaking the law?
G: Nope, Ig. Didn’t bust no laws. I saw there was a big problem hapoopenin’, an’ I took care of it, an’—
N: —and the proper, legal protocol would have been for you to alert me that—
G: —to alert you that over in our Telephone Pole Hill district, snitizens are goin’ ’round beatin’ each other up! For no stinkin’ reason! An’ so, I dispatched extra county cops there. They’re used to me orderin’ them ’round. Ya ungratitudinous Ig, ya should stinkin’ thank me!
N: And, when were you planning to let me, the leader of this county, know about this latest crisis?
SFX: [Human Walk Downstairs] [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: That must be Fleaglossitty, now!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Wood Demolition Bang] [Door Open]
N: Flea…what’s wrong?
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Nuthin’! Does somethin’ always hafta be wrong?
N: Here, try one of our breakfast turnovers.
DI: Yah, Flea, dey are vary good! Mrs. Dammit’s new, all-natural Sloggenberry breakfast turnovers!
F: Don’t want any.
IS: But dey are so delicious! Vhy don’t you try vun?
F: Don’choo got ears, Grandma? I said I don’t want one!
SFX: [Glass Shatter] [Dish Ceramic]
G: Wowzickles—see, Ig? I shoulda ate that third turnabout before Fleaglossitty threw the dish on the floor. Now it’s all mixed wit’ busted glass, an’ I’ll cut my lousy tongue! Boy, Fleaglossitty, you’re makin’ meee look good! See? I ain’t always the baaad guy!
F: Maybe I’m tired of always bein’ the good guy! Must be allergic to youse people—I feel a sneeze comin’ on—ah, hah, haah, hatchoo!
DI: Flea!
IS: Flea! I don’t believe it—you just sneezed right een my face!
F: Well, Grandma Ingabore Scriblig or whatever your name is, maybe ya had it comin’ to ya for tryin’ to force me to eat that breakfast junk I awready said I didn’t want! Gotta go!
N: Flea, before you go, as our local superhero, you need to know that over in our Telephone Pole Hill district, citizens are assaulting each other—for no apparent reason. We’ve, uh, dispatched extra county cops there.
F: Why should I care?
SFX: [Squeaking Sneakers] [Wood Demolition Bang] [Door Slam] [Screeching Brakes] [Fail Horn]
N: What in the world has gotten into Flea?
DI: Yah, vee have never known him to be like dis, have vee, Ingabore?
IS: Vee certainly have not, Alexandra!
G: That dope’s even makin’ meee look good! I wonder if I can shake the busted glass out of that turnabout?
N: Y’know, it’s already seven a.m. In light of what’s going on in the Telephone Pole Hill district, I’d better get upstairs to my home office and get an update from county police. And I need to read the rest of my, uh, classified briefing….
G: Printed it out for ya, Ig. Lemme know if ya need any help.
N: Oh, I will….
G: Ya don’t gotta say it like thaaat, so oogdimonious.
SFX: [Screeching Brakes] [DoorLockUnlock] [Wood Demolition Bang] [Door Open] [Squeaking Sneakers]
G: Fleaglossitty!
F: Forgot somethin’, pal.
G: What’cha forget?
F: Forgot to punch ya in the face!
SFX: [FistFight]
G: Ow! Ow!
SFX: [Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Duck Horn]
N, DI, & IS [in unison]: Flea!
G: Ow, ya dope! Ya hit me so stinkin’ hard, ya made me fall on my lousy bimbus!
F: See youse all later—maybe! Don’t bother waitin’ up! I would never wait up for youse guys!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Wood Demolition Bang] [Door Slam] [Screeching Brakes] [Fail Horn] [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###