Transcript / Two Heads Ain’t Better Than One – Episode 123, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang…
SFX: [Magic Spell]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “Patron Saint of Lost Wallets,” Nicki and Sooperflea are really glad to see Doctor Alexandra Idnas and therapist Ingabore Scriblig, also known as “Grandma,” come through that door.…
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Human Walk Upstairs] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Fist Fight] [Door Slam]
HIGH NERDY VOICE: Ow! Ow! Ow!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell] [Cuckoo Clock] [DoorLockUnlock] [Door Open]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Oh, Doctor Idnas! Grandma! Thank goodness!
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Eet vas a vary long day at dee office!
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah! Vee are glad to be home.
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: I dunno how glad you’re gonna be when ya find out what’s been goin’ on around here!
IS: Vhat do you mean, Flea?
N: It’s Gneeecey! He’s acting all crazy! One minute, he’s downstairs being really nice—
F: An’ the next minute, he’s downstairs bein’ all rotten—like he usually is—
N: And then he comes back again—with his nice personality! And he’s forgetting stuff, too! His nice self doesn’t remember what his, uh, usual self says or does. And vice versa. It’s like he’s two different people!
F: An’ when he’s upstairs, we hear all this noise an’ slammin’ around—like he’s fightin’ or somethin’! His nice self jus’ went upstairs a little while ago!
DI: Oh dear!
SFX: [Fist Fight]
HIGH NERDY VOICE: Ow! Ow! Ow!
SFX: [Door Slam] [Human Walk Downstairs] [Sneakers Squeaking] [BodyFallHuman] [Fist Fight]
HIGH NERDY VOICES: Ow! Ow! Ow!
F: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe—
N: Holy crap—there are two Gneeeceys!
F: Beating each other up!
SFX: [Fist Fight]
DI: You stop eet, you two, right now!
IS: Yah! Immediately!
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY 1: Aw-stinkin’-right. I will if heee does!
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY 2: But yoooou always start it! I’m always nice!
G1: No, ya ain’t!
G2: Yes, I aaam!
G1: I stinkin’ said ya ain’t!
G2: I unstinkingly beg to differ!
DI: Dat ees enough! Bot of you! Qviet!
N: Do you think one of these Diroctor “Zig” Gneeeceys may be a Dimeosacion-induced duplicate? Y’know, as a result of that Dimeosacion drug that Doctor Frombilagonga and Nurse Maudlyn administered him last year when he was hospitalized?
F: Good hypothesis, Nicki! You an’ I know firsthand, when we were trapped in their Dimeosacion lab on Van Pooop Lane, jus’ a few months ago, that the two of them are producin’ large batches of that drug. An’ we know that evil Nurse Maudlyn is usin’ it to create them duplicates of herself!
G2: That is a rather interesticatin’ hypoopothesis, my dear Fleaglossitty.
G1: Ya lousy dope, it ain’t interesticatin’! It means one of us could blow up—an’ I stinkin’ hope it’s yooou, not meee, that blows up!
G2: Oh yeah?
G1: Yeah.
G2: I am usually mild mannered an’ pleasant, but I must staaand up for myself. Come over here an’ tell me ya want meee to blow up!
G1: I aaam stinkin’ over here, ya lousy imposter!
N: Guys—guys—please!
DI: Yah, please, you two. Now, I do believe, from Diroctor Gneeecey’s recent routine bloodwork, dat dis has nothing vhatsoever to do vit Dimeosacion.
IS: Yah, Alexandra, I agree.
DI: His hospitalization vas roughly a year ago, and tankfully dere are no longer any traces of dee med een hees system. And fortunately, dis drug’s effects have proven to be vary temporary.
N: Please, then, Doctor Idnas, tell us what you think is causing this.
DI: Vell, I’m sure you remember, earlier dis year, Nicki, vhen you, Flea, and Diroctor Gneeecey vere being stalked by your doubles?
N: Oh, yeah. Who could forget?
F: Yeah, they chased us everywhere we went! It was kinda terrrifyin’—especially when it became, y’know, physical. I got all bruised up fightin’ myself!
DI: You do remember den, dat deese doubles of yourselves dat kept pursuing you turned out to be your shadow sides.
IS: Yah, dee sides of your personality dat you tried to repress actually manifested physically, right, Alexandra? Rare, but eet can happen, as vee saw.
DI: Yah, Ingabore. Precisely. And eet vas only vhen each of you decided to accept your shadow sides dat deese duplicate physical manifestations of you merged back together.
F: It went priddy quick wit’ Nicki an’ me, but it took much longer for Zig an’ his double!
G1: Stinkin’ shaaadup, Fleaglossitty, ya dope!
G2: Don’t talk to my dear best friend Fleaglossitty like that! So, I suppose then that I’ll have to accept an’ merge back into this shady, rude, caveman-like side of myself in order to return back to normal?
G1: Whaddaya stinkin’ mean, you’ll hafta accept an’ merge back into this shady, rude, caveman-like side of your stupid self in order to return to normal?
G2: How dare ya talk to meee like that?
G1: Yooou started it!
G2: Noooo, yoooou started it! An’ ya never brung me enough food each time ya came upstairs. An’ when ya did, ya hogged it! An’ ya kept lockin’ me in our closet! I hadda fight ya each time to get out!
G1: My closet. An’ who told ya to write all them stooopid thank you cards?
G2: An’ yooou tore ’em all up! Ya know how long it took me to write out them ten zillion cards an’ envelopes?
G1: An’ who stinkin’ told ya to put up that lousy Grimace tree in my Grate Room? It’s too early! Ain’t Grimace time till Blirg comes—y’know, the dopey month-long season here in Perswayssick County where time runs backwards till Grimace Day—y’know, on Octvember sixty-nineth—on account of our dimension havin’ two suns—one of ’em’s a ghost sun—an’ us thereforthically havin’ a thirteen-month year? Sheeesh! An’ that ghost sun’s an imposter, like yooou! An’, who stinkin’ told ya to sneeze out fifty bucks of my dimes an’ give ’em all to that lousy Professor Wallbang? I ain’t payin’ for the Ig’s damages to that stooopoid superhero academy! An’ I certaintaneously ain’t payin’ her dopey tuition even though I’m makin’ her attend claaases so she can be of more use to me!
G2: Well, ya self-servin’ genius, who told ya to tell Professor Wallbang ya didn’t want a receipt? You’re messin’ us both up!
G1: You’re messin’ meee up!
G2: Oh yeah?
SFX: [Fist Fight]
HIGH NERDY VOICES: Ow! Ow! Ow!
N: Guys—guys—stop!
DI: You stop eet, you two, right now!
IS: Yah! Immediately!
G1: Looky—in the middle of the lousy floor over there where we were jus’ fightin’—there’s my stinkin’ lost wallet!
G2: Our wallet! An’ it was never missin’!
G1: Yooou stinkin’ had it the whole lousy time, didn’t ya? What—did yooou stinkin’ say a prayer to Saint Bogelthorpe, the patron saint of lost wallets?
G2: Nope. Ya dropped it upstairs when we were fightin’. I jus’ kept it safe!
G1: Well, I’m gonna keep it safer! Laaast one who reaches it is a rotten sclogg!
G1 & G2 [in unison]: Mon-ney! Mon-ney! Mon-ney! Mon-ney! Mon-ney!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Magic Glitter] [Closing]
F: Speakin’ of Saint Bogelthorpe—holy Saint Bogelthorpe!
N: The two Gneeeceys just merged back into one—except for their heads!
DI: Dey have vun body but two heads! Vee are vitnessing something vary unsual! Dey deed agree dat dey love money, so dey partially accepted each odder and merged.
IS: Yah, Alexandra—only a partial merging! Dey are still fighting vit’ each odder!
G1: Gimme that lousy wallet!
G2: I caaan’t!
G1: Whadda ya mean, ya caaan’t?
G2: We’re both holdin’ it! How can I give ya somethin’ we’re both holdin’?
G1: I stinkin’ said, gimme it!
G2: We’re both holdin’ it ’cause we got jus’ one body. Wit’ two haaands.
G1: But two lousy heads! Must mean I still hate ya a little! What if your dopey brain wants to spend the lousy mon-ney in this wallet, an’ mine don’t?
F: Well, this sure proves that two heads ain’t better than one….
SFX: [Doorbell]
F: I’ll get it….
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Sharp Eerie Logo]
F: Why, Professor Wallbang, what brings you here yet again?
PROFESSOR WILLARD WALLBANG: I just happened to find myself in the area and—
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
G1: Hey, ya lousy Professor Wallbanger—gimme back my stinkin’ dimes! Now!
G2: Why, Professor Wallbang, would you quite mind producing, y’know, a duplicate receipt for them fifty bucks of dimes?
PWW: Why, Diroctor Gneeecey, how very odd. You seem to possess two heads. Talking heads, at that, spouting conflicting messages. One at a time, please. One at a time….
G1: I stinkin’ said I want my fifty bucks of dimes back!
G2: An’ I want a receipt!
PWW: I am afraid that I am unable to satisfy either request. However, it would appear your one set of hands is offering me your thick, cash-filled purple rubber wallet. As your balance owed remains rather significant, I shall relieve you of that rather gaudy, tasteless item.
GI: You ain’t takin’ this beaudiful wallet!
PWW: Oh, but I must.
G1 & G2 [in unison]: Nooooooooooo!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
N: Holy crap—the two-headed Gneeecey is charging at Professor Wallbang—
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
G1 & G2 [in unison]: Yaaaaaaaaaah!
SFX: [Magic Glitter]
N: Professor Wallbang just totally dematerialized—into thin air!
SFX: [Closing] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Duck Horn]
F: The Zigs jus’ ran right through him—an’ fell on their shared bimbus!
DI: But dere mutual love of money caused dem to agree, and now dey have totally merged. Diroctor “Zig” Gneeecey has only vun head again. Yah, Flea, dis certainly does prove dat two heads are not necessarily better dan vun. Right, Ingabore?
IS: Yah, Alexandra.
F: Y’know, I’m kinda gonna miss the nicer “Zig” Gneeecey.
N: Yeah, Flea. Me too.
G: I stinkin’ heard that, youse guys!
SFX: [Cuckoo Clock] [Rock Logo] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###