Transcript / Patron Saint of Lost Wallets – Episode 122, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “Greason’s Seetings, Everyone!”, “Zig” Gneeecey tumbles downstairs (as usual) but seems to be a totally different canine-humanoid….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Fist Fight]
HIGH NERDY VOICE: Ow! Ow! Ow!
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Vhat een dee vurld ees dat?
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: It’s coming from upstairs!
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Yeah! Kinda sounds like Zig!
SFX: [Door Slam] [Human Walk Downstairs] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Fabric Tear] [Duck Horn]
F: Zig! Ya okay? Ya fell on your bimbus again—seems to be a daily habit! An’ ya tore your trousers!
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: It’s okay, Fleaglossitty, my good, very smart friend. They’ll grow back. SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] Bad mornin’ guys! Looks like a excepooptionally priddy day outside!
N: What was all that ruckus coming from upstairs?
G: Nuthin’, Nicki—
N: Y’mean, Ig—I mean, you actually called me Nicki instead of Ig?
G: Yeah. Bad mornin’, Doctor Idnas an’ Graaandma.
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS & IS [in unison]: Bad morning, Diroctor Gneeecey!
G: Ain’t it a beaudiful day? I got so much to be thankful for! Over ten zillion things, includin’ youse guys bein’ in my unlousy, unstinkin’ life!
F: Zig, are you okay?
G: Why, yes, Fleaglossitty. Never been better. But thank you for your sincere concern!
SFX: [Magic Spell]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Leaving earthling Nicki Rodriguez and humans Doctor Alexandra Idnas and therapist Ingabore Scriblig, otherwise known as “Grandma,” and fellow canine-humanoid pal “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, also known as “Sooperflea,” speechless, Gneeecey announces he’s going back upstairs.
SFX: [Magic Spell]
G: Now, I’m gonna go grab some more grub from the kitchen to bring up to my bedroom where I’m gonna write a buncha thank you notes.
SFX: [Dishes] [Sneakers Squeaking]
F: Uh, Zig, why are ya bringin’ all that food upstairs to your room? You’re balancin’ like five plates on your arms an’ elbows.
G: I get hungry when I write, Fleaglossitty!
SFX: [Human Walk Upstairs] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Fist Fight] [Door Slam]
HIGH NERDY VOICE: Ow! Ow! Ow!
F: Somethin’ real fishy’s goin’ on here!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Yep…something real fishy’s going on here….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo] [Cuckoo Clock] [Fist Fight]
HIGH NERDY VOICE: Ow! Ow! Ow!
SFX: [Door Slam] [Human Walk Downstairs] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Fabric Tear] [Duck Horn]
F: Zig! Zig! Ya okay?
G: Whaddaya stinkin’ think, ya dope? Do I look awright?
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, I don’t think you are alright—
G: Who asked ya, ya lousy Ig?
N: Just a couple hours ago, I was Nicki. Now I’m the Ig?
G: Ain’t my problem if ya don’t know who ya are, Ig. An’ speakin’ of problems, I got a big one—my wallet is missin’! I had a whole buncha mon-ney—even some Earth mon-ney in it—an’ all my credit cards, too! An’ my important junk like my ID! An’ it’s all missin’! My stinkin’ wallet’s gone! Ya hear me? Gone—right into thin air!
F: Ya think ya lost it this mornin’ when ya went outside to help that little old lady who didn’t wanna cross the street cross the street? Y’know, she started beatin’ ya up wit’ her big handbag?
G: What are ya talkin’ ’bout, Fleaglossitty? I ain’t been outside since yesterday night when we came home from Shisskey’s. An’ I haaad my wallet ’cause I counted my mon-ney before I went to bed!
F: Well, Zig, perhaps—
G: Perhaphoops ya should shaaaddup, Fleaglossitty!
SFX: [Doorbell]
G: Stinkin’ get the lousy door, Fleaglossitty, ya dope.
F: Not if ya ask like that, Zig.
G: Aw-stinkin’-right, Fleaglossitty. I realize I didn’t ask propooperly. I’ll make it a propooper askin’ question wit’ a question mark. Will ya go get the lousy, stinkin’ dopey door awready?
F: Okay, Zig.
SFX: [Doorbell] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Sharp Eerie Logo]
F: Why, Professor Wallbang, what brings you here again today?
PROFESSOR WILLARD WALLBANG: I just happened to be passing by and thought it would be an opportune time to deliver this receipt to, uh, Diroctor Gneeecey for the fifty-dollar downpayment in slimy dimes that he sneezed out for me this morning to commence making good on what Ms. Rodriguez owes our Perswayssick Superhero Academy for damages and tuition.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: What are you stinkin’ talkin’ ’bout? I didn’t give ya no mon-ney, an’ I never will! That’s between you an’ the Ig! An’ my dimes ain’t slimy! Get outta here!
PWW: Very well, Diroctor Gneeecey. I shall then destroy this receipt and be on my way. Do enjoy the rest of your day.
G: Git!
SFX: [Door Slam]
F: Zig! Don’t you remember this mornin’ when Professor Wallbang came here, ya answered the door yourself an’ ya told him to keep the dimes ya sneezed out as a downpayment for what Nicki owes?
G: You’re crazy, ya blockhead. I’d never do nuthin’ like thaaat. Good thing Doctor Idnas an’ Grandma are livin’ here. They need to examine that dopey head of yours.
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, I’m really worried about you.
G: Aaah—go worry ’bout yourself, ya Ig.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: Hey, who put that lousy Grimace tree up in my Grate Room? It’s too early! Who did this?
N: Why—why—you did! Don’t you remember?
G: Youse are all trynna gaaaslight me, ain’cha? Well, it ain’t gonna work! Youse ain’t gonna end up gettin’ all my mon-ney! I’m gonna go bring some lunch upstairs. I got about ten zillion thank you cards to rip up. An’ I gotta find my lousy, stinkin’ wallet!
F: Zig, try sayin’ a prayer to Saint Bogelthorpe! He’s the Patron Saint of Lost Wallets!
G: Aaaah—why don’t yooou try shuttin’ up?
SFX: [Human Walk Upstairs] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Fist Fight] [Door Slam]
HIGH NERDY VOICE: Ow! Ow! Ow!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Cuckoo Clock] [Fist Fight]
HIGH NERDY VOICE: Ow! Ow! Ow!
SFX: [Door Slam] [Human Walk Downstairs] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Crow]
N: Why, Diroctor Gneeecey, are you alright?
G: Why yes, my dear Nicki. I’ve never been better!
SFX: [Crow]
F: Why, Zig, ya got a crow sittin’ on your right shoulder. I thought ya hated crows!
G: Why, Fleaglossitty, whatever made ya think thaaat? This crow likes me ’cause he remembers I been nice to him! He’s my friend! An’ he said some good junk ’bout yooou, too!
N: Uh, Diroctor Gneeecey, did you find your wallet?
F: Did ya pray to Saint Bogelthorpe?
G: What are youse two talkin’ ’bout? I didn’t lose no wallet! Looky, I got it right here!
N: But—but—
G: Why don’t youse two go siddown in the Grate Room wit’ a nice hot mug of fermented Slog an’ enjoy the beaudiful Grimace tree I put up?
N: But—but—
G: I’m very busy. Gonna grab a pre-dinner snack an’ go back up to my room an’ get some work done. Ah, here’s a nice Sloggenberry pie. Only been expired for a week or two. Think I’ll bring the whole pie upstairs. Ah, here’s a couple forks….
N: Why do you need—
G: See ya for dinner!
SFX: [Human Walk Upstairs] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Fist Fight] [Door Slam]
HIGH NERDY VOICE: Ow! Ow! Ow!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell] [Cuckoo Clock] [DoorLockUnlock] [Door Open]
N: Oh, Doctor Idnas! Grandma! Thank goodness!
DI: Eet vas a vary long day at dee office!
IS: Yah! Vee are glad to be home.
F: I dunno how glad you’re gonna be when ya find out what’s been goin’ on around here!
IS: Vhat do you mean, Flea?
N: It’s Gneeecey! He’s acting all crazy! One minute, he’s downstairs being really nice—
F: An’ the next minute, he’s downstairs bein’ all rotten—like he usually is—
N: And then he comes back again—with his nice personality! And he’s forgetting stuff, too! His nice self doesn’t remember what his, uh, usual self says or does. And vice versa. It’s like he’s two different people!
F: An’ when he’s upstairs, we hear all this noise an’ slammin’ around—like he’s fightin’ or somethin’! His nice self jus’ went upstairs a little while ago!
DI: Oh dear!
SFX: [Fist Fight]
HIGH NERDY VOICE: Ow! Ow! Ow!
SFX: [Door Slam] [Human Walk Downstairs] [Sneakers Squeaking] [BodyFallHuman] [Fist Fight]
HIGH NERDY VOICES: Ow! Ow! Ow!
F: Holy Saint Bogelthorpe—
N: Holy crap—there are two Gneeeceys!
F: Beating each other up!
SFX: [Fist Fight] [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###