Transcript / Greason’s Seetings, Everyone! – Episode 121, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Boxed In]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “Please Gimme Day,” after total chaos erupts in Judge Robert R. Blobert’s West Hell courtroom, he declares a mistrial. Stranded earthling Nicki Rodriguez drops canine-humanoid “Zig” Gneeecey’s support kangaroo Bob, Junior, off at an animal refuge and then treats Gneeecey, his fellow canine-humanoid buddy Fleaglossitty “Flea” Floppinsplodge, also known as Sooperflea, and humans, Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas, and Ingabore Scriblig, also known as “Grandma,” to a Thanksgiving meal at Shisskey’s Restaurant. There, Gneeecey angrily proclaims that he has absolutely nothing to be thankful for.
The Perswayssick County Superhero Academy’s sinister and snarky Professor Willard Wallbang approaches their table and reminds Nicki that despite her being elected as the county’s new Grate Gizzy, she’s still responsible for damages to his school’s property caused when she crashed headfirst into the six-foot-tall cinderblock wall she was supposed to glide over. He also advises Nicki that her new circumstances do not allow her to dishonor a contract she signed, legally committing herself to attending and financing a full load of classes for the entire academic year. Gneeecey had demanded that Nicki attend the academy so she could be of more use to him.
At Nicki’s request, each of her dinner companions—except for Gneeecey—declare what they’re thankful for. When Flea seems to have a never-ending list, Gneeecey becomes visibly irritated.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Restaurant Ambience]
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: An’ I’m also thankful for—
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Ya got more, Fleaglossitty?
F: Yeah. I’m thankful that Prindl, y’know my girlfriend all the way back from Missus Forkworthy’s first-grade class on Planet Eccchs, the prettiest red-haired Irish terrier canine-humanoid girl I ever seen? I jus’ recently found out she’s here, in Perswayssick County! We’ve reconnected—I ran into her in Seemingwhale’s Department Store! We were both shoppin’ for tail warmers an’—
G: Yooou got a girlfriend, an’ I don’t?
F: Well, Zig, I can’t help that your former fiancée that jilted ya by interdimensional email, Goonafina Blopperdang, is all the way back on our Planet Eccchs, an’ even if she decided to take ya back, ya still can’t be wit’ her—
G: I stinkin’ heard enough! I’m goin’ to the lousy bathroom!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Door Slam]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Uh, Flea, when he comes back, can we, uh, give him a break and change the subject?
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Nicki’s right.
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah, vee hit a sore spot.
F: Okay, guys. You’re right.
N: Maybe when Diroctor Gneeecey comes back, we can talk about how lucky it is that because we saw that Nurse Maudlyn gasbag—one of her many duplicates—explode in Judge Blobert’s courtroom, causing no damage, we now know what’s been causing all these invisible explosions in our county. That’s one less Nurse Maudlyn we have to deal with.
SFX: [Flushing Toilet] [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Duck Horn]
N: Uh-oh…. Speaking of Nurse Maudlyn, look who just came through the front door!
G: Yaaaaaah—jus’ fell on my lousy bimbus! Ain’t got nuthin’ to be thankful for!
NURSE MAUDLYN: You really don’t, Diroctor Gneeecey! And I might add that was a perfect somersault you just performed. Amusing but perfect! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo] [Rooster Crow] [Cuckoo Clock] [House Residential]
N: Doctor Idnas, Grandma, would you like some more coffee?
DI: Vhy, tank you, Nicki.
IS: Yah, tank you! I vould love some more, too. Dis ees much tastier dan Gneeecey’s Freak O’Nature Merk Perk!
N: It’s kind of like coffee back on my planet Earth. You don’t need to eat it with a knife and fork. You can just, y’know, drink it. Flea, how about you? Would you like more?
F: Yeah, thanks, Nicki! An’ these Earth pancakes ya made us are simply scrumptious!
IS: Yah, dey are delicious!
N: Glad you like ’em. Wasn’t real easy to find the ingredients around here. Or the coffee.
SFX: [Fist Fight]
HIGH NERDY VOICE: Ow! Ow! Ow!
IS: Vhat een dee vurld ees dat?
N: It’s coming from upstairs!
F: Yeah! Kinda sounds like Zig!
SFX: [Door Slam] [Human Walk Downstairs] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Fabric Tear] [Duck Horn]
F: Zig! Ya okay? Ya fell on your bimbus again—seems to be a daily habit! An’ ya tore your trousers!
G: It’s okay, Fleaglossitty, my good, very smart friend. They’ll grow back. SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] Bad mornin’ guys! Looks like a excepooptionally priddy day outside!
N: What was all that ruckus coming from upstairs?
G: Nuthin’, Nicki—
N: Y’mean, Ig—I mean, you actually called me Nicki instead of Ig?
G: Yeah. Bad mornin’, Doctor Idnas an’ Graaandma.
DI & IS [in unison]: Bad morning, Diroctor Gneeecey!
G: Ain’t it a beaudiful day? I got so much to be thankful for! Over ten zillion things, includin’ youse guys bein’ in my unlousy, unstinkin’ life!
F: Zig, are you okay?
G: Why, yes, Fleaglossitty. Never been better. But thank you for your sincere concern!
F: I mean, ya fell on your bimbus, not your head, right? It happened so fast, I ain’t really sure!
G: Why, I’ll ignauzeate that remark, my dear Fleaglossitty. Now, what’s that unstinkin’ delightful aroma I smell coming from the kitchen?
IS: Nicki made us breakfast dis morning!
DI: Yah, pancakes!
F: And Earth coffee!
G: Why, how unrotten of ya, Nicki, my successor an’ multitalented new Grate Gizzygalumpaggis.
N: Why, uh, thank you, Diroctor Gneeecey. It’s unlike you to use all those extra vowels and consonants. I mean, you always say the title is shortened to Grate Gizzy to conserve—
G: You don’t always gotta listen to meee, Nicki. Sometimes, it’s okay to use ’em.
N: Uh, here, Diroctor Gneeecey. This morning I’ve brewed some coffee that’s kind of like what we drink on my planet. I know you prefer your Freak O’Nature Merk Perk Coffee that you have to cut with a knife and fork. And you always make fun of coffee you have to drink, and—
G: I dooo? How mean of me! I’m sorry, Nicki! Please forgive me. What’s everyone lookin’ at? Lemme dig into these cakepans.
F: Y’mean pancakes.
G: Yeah, Fleaglossitty. You’re right. I stand corrected. I sit corrected, too. SFX: [Dog Eating] [Giant Burp] Yummy! What a great way to start a great day! Thank you, Nicki! Oh, looky out the window! A poor little ol’ lady is tryin’ to cross the street! Lemme go help her!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: Ow! Ow! Ow!
OLD LADY: I said, young man, I don’t want to cross the street!
G: I’m very sorry, madam. Please forgive me. Jus’ tryin’ to help, that’s all. I hope ya didn’t hurt your handbag, hittin’ me.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open]
G: I asked the little ol’ lady if she wanted to cross the street to keep her pants up, like, y’know, them chickens ya read about in fine Earth literature. Then she started hittin’ me wit’ her gigaaantical handbag, so I politely apologized an’ came back home!
N: Uh, Diroctor Gneeecey, are you sure you’re feeling okay?
G: Can’t a nice guy be nice? Y’know, Doctor Idnas, Graaandma, an’ Fleaglossitty, I’m so hapoopy Nicki an’ I can provide youse all wit’ a home here while your buildings are bein’ staboobilized. Well, Fleaglossitty, my best friend from childhood back on Planet Eccchs, your Veggie Burger Avenue apartment building’s bein’ demolished, but I want ya to know, ya always got a home here wit’ meee!
F: Uh, thanks, Zig….
G: Hospoopitality is my middle name! An’ y’know, Fleaglossitty, I’m also severely hapoopy to hear that you an’ your ol’ girlfriend Prindl have reconnected. Ya make such a cute coupoople!
F: Uh, thanks, Zig….
G: Why do ya say it like thaaat, so oogdimonious? Ah, hah, haah, haaah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins]
F: Gee, Zig, ya musta jus’ sneezed out fifty bucks worth of dimes!
G: Enough for everyone! Here, take some! An’ I’ll give some to Altitude. That delivery mouse of mine works so hard.
SFX: [Doorbell Ring]
F: I’ll get it, Zig.
G: No, Fleaglossitty. I’ll get it. You sit there an’ finish your cakepans.
SFX: [Doorbell Ring] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open]
G: Why, Professor Wallbang! How are you on this beaudiful day?
PROFESSOR WILLARD WALLBANG: Do you really consider this rather overcast and gloomy day to be beautiful? I’ve merely traveled though all of this damp drizzle to remind—
G: To remind our Nicki that she owes ya for repooparations an’ tuition. Ah, hah, haah, haaah, fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins] Here’s a downpayment—take some of these dimes I jus’ sneezed out! You’ll get more soon! G’bye! Have a real nice, overcast, gloomy, drizzly day!
SFX: [Door Slam] [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: Now, to finish my meal…. Oh, I awready did!
N: You know, Diroctor Gneeecey, I was thinking, we haven’t heard any more of those invisible explosions since Nurse Maudlyn exploded at the courthouse yesterday. But we can’t let our guards down. There are duplicates of her running around all over this county—like the one we saw in Shisskey’s last night.
G: Y’know, them Nurse Maudlyns are nasty, but in a way, I kinda feel sorry for ’em.
N: You do?
G: They proboobably got issues in their lives that we don’t know nuthin’ about.
DI: Vell, dat ees very perceptive of you, Diroctor Gneeecey!
IS: Yah, you are showing great empaty!
G: I’ve always been empoopathetic! Now, I want youse guys all to come into The Grate Room wit’ me! I got a wonderfoofal holiday surprise for Nicki!
N: Really?
G: Yeah! C’mon—follow me!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
DI, IS, N, & F [in unison]: Wow!
N: It’s—it’s—it’s—it looks like a—
G: It’s a Grimace tree, kinda like youse Earth people got on your planet! Ain’t it priddy?
N: Uh…yes…. It’s like…an upside-down…Christmas tree….
G: That’s so ya can hang more junk on top! Brilliant idea, if I say so myself!
N: And, it’s purple…and decorated from…uh…bottom to top with purple-and-gold glitter-sprayed dead rubber chickens….
G: See? I dooo care ’bout ya! I wanna make ya feel right at home here for the holidays, which coinkidinkally we got goin’ on here in this dimension right now! My casa is your casa! Didn’t know I was affluent in your Earth languages, did ya? Heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah! Greason’s Seetings, everyone! Now, I’m gonna go grab some more grub from the kitchen to bring up to my bedroom where I’m gonna write a buncha thank you notes.
SFX: [Dishes] [Sneakers Squeaking]
F: Uh, Zig, why are ya bringin’ all that food upstairs to your room? You’re balancin’ like five plates on your arms an’ elbows.
G: I get hungry when I write, Fleaglossitty!
SFX: [Human Walk Upstairs] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Fist Fight] [Door Slam]
HIGH NERDY VOICE: Ow! Ow! Ow!
F: Somethin’ real fishy’s goin’ on here!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###