Transcript / Mayhem – Episode 119, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Boxed In]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “Kangaroo Court,” “Zig” Gneeecey and rotten Nurse Maudlyn go at it in court, with attorney John Smiff, Equestrian representing them both. (That’s how it’s done in the dimension of Perswayssick County.) Nurse Maudlyn claims that her Exhibit A, a recording of Gneeecey phoning her five zillion and three times commanding her to vote, clears her of all charges relating to her voting that many times. She maintains that she was coerced by Gneeecey, leader and Grate Gizzy of Perswayssick County at the time, and merely followed his orders. No matter which way you look at it, Gneeecey can’t win. When he speaks in his recently transplanted computer-like, deep voice, Nurse Maudlyn accuses him of intentionally speaking in a voice different from the one on her recording. She claims he’s a total fraud. And the transplant proves defective. Gneeecey had refused to pay for an extra download that would match the thinking voice in his head to his new sound. Right there in Judge Robert R. Blobert’s West Hell courtroom, Gneeecey’s old, high, nerdy voice pops out of his yapper repeatedly. Nurse Maudlyn gleefully informs the court that that’s proof—what’s coming out of his mouth matches what’s on her recording. Things only go downhill from there—or, actually, up, up to the room’s industrial ceiling fan.
SFX: [Magic Spell] JRRB: Order! Order! [Wood Demolition Bang]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: [regular voice back]: I shoulda stinkin’ paid for that extra download to make my new voice my thinkin’ voice, too! Now, I’m gonna hafta sue VOMIT an’ that Doctor V. Cord for incompoopetency!
JOHN SMIFF, EQUESTRIAN: I’ll be more than happy to help ya with that, Diroctor Gneeecey! I love malpractice suits!
NURSE MAUDLYN: Whose side are you on?
JSE: Both your sides—I represent youse both!
JUDGE ROBERT R. BLOBERT: Order! Order! SFX: [Wood Demolition Bang]
NM: And I’m allergic to that wretched kangaroo you illegally brought into this courtroom!
G: Don’t talk ’bout Bob, Junior, like that! He’s my support kangoogaroo! Youse all got him real upset an’ nervous wit’ all this nonsense! Ya got him all jumpy! I’m ridin’ him outta here, right stinkin’ now! I, as former-soon-to-be-again Grate Gizzy of this here Perswayssick County an’ Quality of Life Commissioner, declare a dopey mistrial!
NM: You’re not authorized to do that! John! John! Stop him!
JRRB: Order! Order! SFX: [Wood Demolition Bang] [Boing] [UtterAstonishShock]
N: Holy crap! Flea—Gneeecey and the kangaroo have jumped all the way up onto the ceiling fan!
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Dis reminds me of vhat happened een our office—remember, Ingabore? Vhen Gneeecey jumped up onto dee blades of our industrial ceiling fan and vould not come down? Den vhen he started jumping, he and dee whole fan came down!
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”:: Yah! I remember! Diroctor Gneeecey! Please—come down right now! Dis ees not going to help your case! Dis vill not end vell.
DI: And stop jumping!
G: Me an’ Bob, Junior ain’t stinkin’ gonna come down—an’ we wanna jump!
JRRB: Order! Order! SFX: [Wood Demolition Bang] [Boing] [UtterAstonishShock] [Boing]
G: Ain’t comin’ down!
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Ceiling Fan]
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Come on, Zig—you an’ that poor kangaroo—
G: His name is Bob, Junior, an’ he ain’t poor!
F: Well, youse both been up there for two hours! Youse gotta listen to Nicki, Doctor Idnas, Grandma an’ me! For Bogelthorpe’s sake, ya gotta come down!
G: Nope, Fleaglossity. I stinkin’ said, me an’ my support kangoogaroo here, we ain’t comin’ down!
F: Ya better watch out, Zig—you’re gonna get charged wit’ contempt of court!
G: They wouldn’t dare charge me wit’ distemper of court!
F: You’re lucky Judge Blobert called a recess. An’ you’ve hardly got any headroom up there. Lucky you’re—
G: You callin’ me short, ya lousy fleabag?
F: Zig, us two canine-humanoids, we’re the same size, so—
G: Stinkin’ whatever. Now, if youse want us to come down, we got demaaands!
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: And what are your demands, Diroctor Gneeecey?
G: Well, Ig, me an’ Bob, Junior here, we want—ah, hah, haah—
F: Everyone scatter—he’s gonna sneeze dimes!
G: —fiduciary! SFX: [Clinking Coins]
N: Eww—what a mess—
F: Must be fifty bucks worth of dimes scattered around this courtroom!
G: An’ they’re all stinkin’ mine!
NM: And one just hit me—knocked my hat right off my head!
G: Well, now, at least your bimbus looks a little smaller! Heh hah, heh haah!
NM: When Judge Blobert returns to this courtroom, and John Smiff, Equestrian, comes back from meeting with that client in Plumber’s Crack, I’m going to be sure to file an additional charge—a complaint of assault an’ battery against you, Diroctor Gneeecey!
G: Stinkin’ whatever, ya ol’ gasbag!
NM: Well! I’m nearly angry enough to explode!
G: Let me know when you’re maaad enough to an’ I’ll film it on my new smellphone. Got lotsa pixels, takes pictures real good!
NM: Well!
G: Now, like I stinkin’ said, me an’ Bob, we got demaaands!
F: An’ what are they, Zig?
G: We wanna hear that beaudiful Shriekensobb music. Y’know, his famous compooposition, “Plight of the Goonafish” that me an’ you recorded? Me on the voaline an’ you tryin’ to keep up on your lousy outta tune piano?
F: My piano ain’t lousy an’ it ain’t outta tune! Ya wanna come down here an’ say that to me?
G: Yooou ain’t gonna trick me like that to stinkin’ come down. Jus’ stinkin’ play it awready!
F: Okay, Zig. SFX: [Plight of the Goonafish]
G: Ah, what priddy music! But that, along wit’ this stupid ceilin’ fan’s elipooptical orbit, y’know, centrifoofical force, is makin’ me nauseous—I feel like I’m gonna—
F: Everyone scatter—he’s gonna—
G: Blaaaauuugh! SFX: [Glass Shatter] That’s stinkin’ proof—right there on the floor!
F: Stinkin’, yeah, but proof of what, Zig?
G: That was the download of my new, transplanted voice! I jus’ threw it up! Now, I can really sue Voices of Magic Intertechnological Technologies, y’know, VOMIT, an’ that dopey Doctor V. Cord for botchin’ up my voice transplant! An’ I think when the download of my new voice flew outta my mouth jus’ now, I busted a lousy tooth! Ig, you’re gonna hafta take me to my dentist in Plackettsburg. I’m gonna sue VOMIT for my tooth, too, an’—
SFX: [Door Open]
N: And here comes John Smiff, Equestrian now!
JSE: Hey guys, I’m back!
G: Well, John, I think I do got a malpractice suit here! Watch out—don’t step in my evidence there—I got me a good case here an’—
NM: And I want to press assault and battery charges against this dastardly Diroctor Gneeecey here! While you were gone, he—
JSE: One at a time! One at a time! I’ll take care of youse one at a time!
NM: Whose side are you on?
JSE: Both of your sides. Now, Diroctor Gneeecey, I hate to tell ya this, but on my way back from Plumbers Crack, I stopped in at VOMIT and obtained a copy of the contract you signed there. Got it right here! SFX: [Rustling Papers]
G: And?
JSE: And evidently, ya didn’t read the small print when ya signed it. It states that you understand that there are no guarantees—
G: No quarantines?
JSE: No guarantees that the voice transplant would be permanent or even successful, and no guarantees that your body wouldn’t eventually reject the download, which could even possibly solidify and upset your stomach. You basically signed away your rights.
NM: Speechless, huh, Diroctor Gneeecey? Serves you right! And when Judge Blobert returns—
N: When Judge Blobert returns, Nurse Maudlyn, I’m going to suggest that he declare a mistrial. And that more charges are brought against you!
NM: Oh, and how’s that, you Earth human?
N: I’ll tell ya how! You know your Exhibit A, where you played those recordings of Diroctor Gneeecey calling you five zillion times and telling you to vote?
NM: I certainly do!
N: Well, there’s something fishy about them!
NM: Oh, really?
N: Yes. Evidently, you illegally recorded Diroctor Gneeecey inside his mansion!
NM: And how’s that, pray tell?
N: You’d better start praying ’cause I’m gonna tell! I’m gonna tell Judge Blobert—and I’ll testify under oath, that if you had recorded the calls from your end, we wouldn’t have heard him dialing each time! And I can testify—I will testify—that I walked in while he was making those calls. He thought he was innocently and legally making campaign calls to different individuals. He didn’t realize he was hitting your stupid number on speed dial each time!
NM: Why you—I’m going to get you!
F: Heya, Zig, maybe it’s a good thing that Nicki’s our Grate Gizzygalumpaggis now! She’s savin’ your bimbus!
G: Fleaglossitty, ya stinkin’ sayin’ the Ig’s smarter than meee? An’ no one authorizated ya to use all them unauthorizated vowels an’ consonants! It’s Grate Gizzy, not Grate Gizzygalumpaggis—
F: Ha, ha, Zig, now you jus’ used all them unauthorizated vowels an’ consonants! What are ya gonna arrest both of us?
G: Me an’ Bob, Junior are gonna come down an’ stinkin’ show ya—
SFX: [Boing] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Duck Horn]
G: Jus’ fell on my lousy bimbus, Fleaglossitty, an’ it’s your stinkin’ fault!
F: Come over here an’ say that. Zig!
G: I aaam over here, Fleaglossitty! An’ I’m gonna throw the first punch!
SFX: [Fist Fight]
F & G [in unison]: Ow! Ow!
N: Guys! Stop! Please!
NM: Hahaha! Look at those two stupid canine-humanoids going at it!
G: Shaddup an’ mind your business, ya gasbag!
F: Yeah!
N: And speaking of gasbags, Nurse Maudlyn, I will also inform Judge Blobert that you are creating illegal duplicates of yourself with that Dimeosacion drug that you and that Doctor Frombilagonga are processing in that lab of yours and—
NM: You leave my Gongilafromba out of this!
N: And that’s how you managed to vote five zillion and three times!
G: That dopey Doctor Frombilagonga don’t care about yooou, ya ol’ gasbag! He only cares about his cryptocurrency an’ all his real girlfriends!
NM: Why—why—I’m so furious, I’m going to—
SFX: [Explosion]
N: Wow—no damage to anything around here! Flea, I think we have our answer about what’s been causing all these invisible explosions.
G: Fleaglossitty was too stooopid to solve it himself—that’s why he’s wit’ our police department’s STUPID division!
F: That’s not stupid, stupid. I’m wit’ the Specialized Tactical Undercover Paranormal Investigative Division! Y’know, STUPID, stupid!
G: Why you—
SFX: [Crows]
G: An’ look at all them crows that jus’ came in here—they’re flyin’ circles around the ceilin’! One jus’ pooped on my dopey noodle! It’s your fault, Fleaglossitty!
F: How’s it my fault, Zig?
G: You’re nice to them dopey birds—ya feed ’em, an’ now they came to help ya!
F: They ain’t dopey, Zig! They remember people who are nice to ’em! You’re dopey!
G: How dare you?
SFX: [Fist Fight] [Crows]
F & G [in unison]: Ow! Ow!
N: Guys! Stop! Please! Oh, it’s no use! Enough! I said, enough!
DI: Nicki—Nicki—vee are back!
IS: Oh my goodness, Alexandra—she doesn’t hear or see us!
DI: She ees rigid and has a far avay look in her eyes!
SFX: [Jet Engine Startup] [Supersonic Aerodynamic Whoosh] [Closing] [Magic Glitter]
N: Holy crap—I did this?
SFX: [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###