Kangaroo Court

“Kangaroo Court” – Episode 118 

It’s time for canine-humanoid “Zig” Gneeecey and rotten Nurse Maudlyn to go at it in court. Complicating matters is the fact that they share the same attorney—something not unheard of in the dimension of Perswayssick County.

https://buymeacoffee.com/Perswayssick (Please support us with a one-time gift or monthly sponsorship amount—various levels available—to help keep us coming to you via BuyMeACoffee.com! We’ll shout you out during our podcast episodes and in our show notes here, plus supply you with more fun perks!)  

https://www.amazon.com/Vicki-Sola/e/B07J29RVMQ (Amazon Author Page, check out our Gneeecey/Nicki e-books and paperbacks!)

https://www.nfreads.com/interview-with-author-vicki-sola/ (Interview with Vicki Solá)

https://perswayssickradio.buzzsprout.com (right here, our Buzzsprout website w/episodes & transcripts!)   

And many thanks to disproportionately cool artist Jay Hudson for our podcast logo! https://yojayhudson.com/

This Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy podcast is made possible in part by a generous grant from The Ardelle Institute, providing Executive Coaching for aspiring and established professionals who want to develop their careers, including upwardly mobile executives, professionals who may be in between jobs and college graduates transitioning to the workforce. The Ardelle Institute helps with resumes, cover letters, LinkedIn profiles, interview skills, and effective job search strategies.  For more information, please call (201) 394-6939, that's (201) 394-6939, or visit them on the web at ardelle-institute.com, that's A-R-D-E-L-L-E dash institute dot com. Take it from me, Gneeecey!

Transcript

Transcript / Kangaroo Court – Episode 118, written by Vicki Solá. 

All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. 

Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….

NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “The Big Reveal,” “Zig” Gneeecey has undergone his voice transplant but refuses to let anyone hear his new voice. That is, until later, he falls on his bimbus and shouts in anger, revealing a low, computer-like voice. Only the silent thinking voice inside his head remains the same. (He was too cheap to pay for another download that would match his thinking voice to his new voice.) Later, preoccupied by a disaster that he believes could annihilate the entire dimension of Perswayssick County, he flops again, then insists that his fellow canine-humanoid buddy, “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, otherwise known as “Sooperflea,” and his Earthling tenant/employee and newly elected Grate Gizzy Nicki Rodriguez accompany him upstairs to view the evidence.  

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Cuckoo Clock] [Human-Walk-Downstairs] [Sneakers Squeaking]

“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Zig! Zig! What’s the matter? Watch out—you’re gonna miss that bottom step an’—

SFX: [Cartoon Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Duck Horn]

DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: We’re doomed! We’re all gonna die!

NICKI RODRIGUEZ & F [in unison]: Whaaat?

G: Youse guys! Stinkin’ come upstairs! Youse gotta see this! 

SFX: [Human-Walk-Upstairs] [Sneakers Squeaking]

G: Looky! Looky! Every stinkin’ time I look through this here lens, it gets bigger! That means it’s gettin’ closer by the second! It’s comin’ right at us! It’s gonna destroy our whole dimension! No more Perswayssick County! Must have somethin’ to do wit’ the soopoopernatural invisibooble explosions!

F: Zig! Zig! For Bogelthorpe’s sake—that ain’t no telescope you’re lookin’ through! It’s your high-powered microscope! An’ you’re lookin’ at a slide labeled “Fast Growin’ Bacteria”! 

N: In tiny letters underneath, it says, “Kluyveromyces Marxianus—however you say it—yeast!

G: Stinkin’ whatever….

G [thinking to himself]: Stinkin’ Iggleheimers are always tryin’ to make me look bad!

F: Nicki, did ya hear a kinda familiar, high, nerdy voice comin’ from somewhere?

N: Yeah, Flea—I think I did.

G: Impossibooble. I didn’t hear nuthin’.

G [thinking to himself]: Good thing them two can’t hear what I really think of them….

F: There it is again, Nicki! 

N: Yeah!

SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo] [Cuckoo Clock]

F: Heya, Zig, c’mon! You’re due in court soon!

N: Yeah, Diroctor Gneeecey, c’mon! I’ve brought the car around to the front. You can’t be late to this—I’ll bet that rotten Nurse Maudlyn is there already, thinking she’s gonna get the better of you in this case.

DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Yah, Diroctor Gneeecey, vee really need to leave now.

THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah, eet ees not wery vise to be late to court, especially vhen you are a litigant!

G: Hold onto your skivvies, youse guys. I’m lookin’ under my lousy bed for a dirty clean shirt to put on. Even a clean dirty shirt’ll do if I can stinkin’ find one. Gotta look somewhat respectabooble…. Don’t worry, we ain’t gonna be late. 

G: [thinking to himself]: Them lousy Igs. I ain’t gonna be held in distemper by the court…. The dopey judge wouldn’t dare do that to meee, County Quality of Life Commissioner an’ former, soon-to-be-again Grate Gizzy….

N: You know, guys, I’m still shocked that the same attorney, John Smiff, uh, Equestrian, is allowed to represent both feuding litigants.

F: That’s the way it is in this dimension, Nicki….

N: I know, but it—it just doesn’t seem right….

SFX: [Human-Walk-Downstairs] [Sneakers Squeaking]

F: Zig! Watch out—you’re gonna miss that bottom step an’—

SFX: [Cartoon Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Duck Horn] 

G: Stinkin’ ow—jus’ fell on my lousy bimbus again!

F: I tried to warn ya!

G: [thinking to himself]: It’s all youse guys’ fault for rushin’ me like this!

F: Whaaat, Zig?

G: I didn’t stinkin’ say nuthin’! Was jus’ thinkin’ to myself….

SFX: [Boing]

N, F, DI, IS [in unison]: What the—

SFX: [Boing]

G: I thought if I brung our county mascot, y’know, this here kangaroo, to court, it might have a prejudicial effect wit’ the dopey judge, ya know?

N: You’ve been keeping a live kangaroo in this house?

G: Well, Ig, he don’t look dead, do he?

F: Zig, haven’t we had enough trouble with kangaroos in this county—remember them monster hybrid kangaroos ya invented? We’re still dealin’ wit’ all the damage they caused! I mean, I can’t go back to my Veggie Burger Avenue apartment because my whole buildin’s been condemned! 

G: He ain’t gonna bother no one. He’s been up in our third-floor lyeberry, y’know, colorin’ in all my books there. 

N: But—

G: But nuthin’. Let’s jus’ get in the lousy car. Bob, Junior will sit upfront wit’ you an’ me.

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Car Engine] [Horns]

N: Diroctor Gneeecey, will you stop Bob there from grabbing at my steering wheel?

G: Ya mean, Bob, Junior!

N: Will you freakin’ tell Bob, Junior to keep his, uh, hands off my steering wheel?

G: [thinking to himself]: Lousy Ig! He ain’t doin’ no harm!

N: What?

G: I didn’t say nuthin’.

F: Sounded like ya did, Zig. Ya said somethin’ ’bout not sayin’ nuthin’. Y’know, in your old, high, nerdy, regular voice?

G: This is my regoogular voice now, Fleaglossitty.

SFX: [Explosion] [Police Siren] [Fire Engine Siren] 

N: More invisible explosions! By the way, Diroctor Gneeecey, that password you gave me to get into the county’s master computer—so I, as our county’s new Grate Gizzy, can deal with these problems—it doesn’t work!

G: Oh, forgot to tell ya, Ig. The lousy password I gave ya, it’s kinda right. But I forgot to tell ya, ya put it in backwards, for security. Y’know, that password would be priddy easy for most people to guess if it wasn’t backward. It’s supposed to be top secret. Jus’ put in “The Ig Sux” backwards! Y’know, “X-U-S-G-I-E-H-T.”

G: [thinking to himself]: Heh hah, heh haah, heh haaah!

F: Now we all know it…. An,’ I thought I jus’ heard ya laugh, Zig—in your old voice!

G: Impossibooble. Must be your faulty ESP tryin’ to kick in.

IS: Vee tought vee heard eet back here, too, didn’t vee, Alexandra?

DI: Yah, Ingabore, vee did hear a high and familiar voice.

G: Impossibooble. Now, keep drivin’, Ig.

N: That would be Nicki, and where exactly are we going? The Knapsackville Courthouse?

G: No, yah Ig. Awready told ya, the one in West Hell, on Weirdness Road. Jus’ keep goin’ on Rapunzel Road here, an’ we’ll hit Weirdness.

N: Hope we don’t hit anything else….

SFX: [Magic Spell] [Helicopter] [Police Siren]

N: Wow, this is a major event!

F: Yeah, helicopters…an’ cops all over the place.

SFX: [UtterAstonishShock]

G: Ah, my adoring snitizens jus’ caught sight of me, their leader.

N: [Clears Throat] 

G: Let’s stinkin’ go in. C’mon, Bob, Junior.

SFX: [Boing] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Boing] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Magic Spell] [Wood Demolition Bang]

COURT CLERK: Please rise for the Honorable Judge Robert R. Blobert.

JOHN SMIFF, EQUESTRIAN: Heya, Judge Blobert, sorry I’m late. Y’know, representin’ two clients at once, y’know, gettin’ all that paperwork together, takes time.

JUDGE ROBERT R. BLOBERT: Order! Order! [SFX: Wood Demolition Bang] Let’s swear in our defendant of the first part.

CC: Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey, do you solemnly swear on this Plookenblook to tell the truth, and nothing but the truth?

G: Yeah. If she does. Do my kangaroo gotta be swore in, too?

CC: No, sir, not unless he is called to testify in this matter.

JRRB: Now, let’s swear in our defendant of the second part. 

CC: Nurse Maudlyn, do you solemnly swear on this Plookenblook to tell the truth, and nothing but the truth?

NURSE MAUDLYN: Yes. But only if he does. And I sincerely doubt that he will!

SFX: [UtterAstonishShock] 

JRRB: Order! Order! SFX: [Wood Demolition Bang] Mister Smiff, would you please approach the bench? 

JSE: Yeah, Your Honor.

JRRB: Instruct your clients to reply just “yes” or “no” unless they are asked to provide additional information.

JSE: Yeah, Your Honor. [whispers]: Guys, you can’t fight here. Just answer “yes” or “no” unless you’re asked for more information!

G: Stinkin’ whatever.

NM: Whatever.

N [whispers]: Flea, this is sure different from how we hold trials on Earth. Look, Gneeecey and Nurse Maudlyn are each in witness boxes up front—at the same time!

F: Yeah, Nicki. And Zig got his kangaroo sittin’ there on his lap.

JSE: Nurse Maudlyn, would you state your name, occupation, and address for the court?

NM: My name is Nurse Maudlyn. I sold my last name to make extra money that I needed to buy groceries! I am an ER and ICU Nurse at Florence Ferguson Hospital and also Holy Krapp. I am very busy and hardworking. I also do home care. I live at 666 Van Pooop Lane.

JSE: And you, Diroctor Gneeecey, would you state your name, occupation, and address for the court? 

G: Yeah. My name is Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey. An’ I’m a really busy person. I’m former-soon-to-be-again Grate Gizzy of this here Perswayssick County, plus Quality of Life Commissioner, plus CEO an’ owner of the GAS Broadcast Network, plus owner of the wonderfoofal Gneeezle’s Restaurant where we specialize in goonafish saaandwiches. Two-tailed fish. No stinkin’ unsightly lousy heads. I live in a four-story mansion at 333 Bimbus Crack Drive, in the exclusive suburb of Perswayssick County, where, y’know, us rich people live. I’m a medikookal doctor, too. An’ I can afford a last name!

NM: Your Honor! That dastardly Diroctor Gneeecey is committing fraud! He is using a different voice! I have evidence here, Exhibit A—documentation! I record all of my phone calls, and Exhibit A will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Diroctor Gneeecey here is a liar! I have documented here his calling me five zillion and three times and ordering me to vote five zillion and three times! And I did! As he was Grate Gizzygalumpaggis of our county, I was merely following his orders! 

SFX: [UtterAstonishShock] 

JRRB: Order! Order! SFX: [Wood Demolition Bang] Mister Smiff, would you play that Exhibit A tape for the court? 

JSE: Yeah, Your Honor.

SFX: [Metal Click 4] [Phone Dial]

G: Vote for the Ig!

SFX: [Phone Dial]

G: Vote for the Ig!

SFX: [Phone Dial]

G: Vote for the Ig!

SFX: [Phone Dial]

G: Vote for the Ig!

SFX: [Phone Dial]

SFX: [Rockabye Toy Piano] [Cartoon Snoring]

NM: Wake up, everyone! See? I counted Diroctor Gneeecey ordering me to vote exactly five zillion and three times! 

SFX: [UtterAstonishShock] 

JRRB: Order! Order! SFX: [Wood Demolition Bang]

JSE: Your Honor, be that as it may, may that as it be, in any event, I rest my case!

G: Hey, Smiff! You’re stinkin’ supposed to be representicatin’ meee, too!

JRRB: Order! Order! SFX: [Wood Demolition Bang] Mister Smiff, would you approach the bench?

JSE: Yeah, Your Honor….

JRRB: Doesn’t that hat make Nurse Maudlyn’s butt look big?

JSE: Yeah. 

G: Smiff, I demaaand you get in touch wit’ VOMIT an’ get my doctor in here to testify!

JSE: Excuse me, Diroctor Gneeecey, but how can I get in touch with vomit? I don’t understand!

G: It’s not vomit! It’s Voices of Magic Intertechnological Technologies—the place that jus’ did my voice transplant—y’know, VOMIT! Get Doctor V. Cord in here to testify that he downloaded a new voice into me! 

JSE: I was so busy, I didn’t think of that!

G: What stinkin’ kind of attorney are yooou?

JRRB: Order! Order! SFX: [Wood Demolition Bang]

G: This is a lousy kangaroo court if I ever seen one!

NM: Well, you can only blame yourself, Diroctor Gneeecey—you brought the kangaroo!

JRRB: Order! Order! SFX: [Wood Demolition Bang] Ms. Jones, it’s become really hot and stuffy in here. Would you be so kind as to put on the ceiling fan? SFX: [Metal Click 4] [Ceiling Fan]

G: It’s hot ’cause she’s a bag of hot air! An’ it’s my kangoogaroo, so I can take him wherever I stinkin’ want!
G: [thinking to himself]: An’ I heard the judge here tell Smiff that Nurse Maudlyn’s ugly hat makes her bimbus look big! 

NM: Well! And look—he’s talking in the voice we heard on my tape! He’s a liar and a fake! I rest my case!

JSE: I’m supposed to rest cases, not you!

JRRB: Order! Order! [Wood Demolition Bang]

G [regular voice back]: I shoulda stinkin’ paid for that extra download to make my new voice my thinkin’ voice, too! Now, I’m gonna hafta sue VOMIT an’ that Doctor V. Cord for incompoopetency!

JSE: I’ll be more than happy to help ya with that, Diroctor Gneeecey! I love malpractice suits!

NM: Whose side are you on?

JSE: Both your sides—I represent youse both! 

JRRB: Order! Order! SFX: [Wood Demolition Bang]

NM: And I’m allergic to that wretched kangaroo you illegally brought into this courtroom!

G: Don’t talk ’bout Bob, Junior, like that! He’s my support kangoogaroo! Youse all got him real upset an’ nervous wit’ all this nonsense! Ya got him all jumpy! I’m ridin’ him outta here, right stinkin’ now! I, as former-soon-to-be-again Grate Gizzy of this here Perswayssick County an’ Quality of Life Commissioner, declare a dopey mistrial!

NM: You’re not authorized to do that! John! John! Stop him!

JRRB: Order! Order! SFX: [Wood Demolition Bang] [Boing] [UtterAstonishShock] 

N: Holy crap! Flea—Gneeecey and the kangaroo have jumped all the way up onto the ceiling fan!

DI: Dis reminds me of vhat happened een our office—remember, Ingabore? Vhen Gneeecey jumped up onto dee blades of our industrial ceiling fan and vould not come down? Den vhen he started jumping, he and dee whole fan came down!

IS: Yah! I remember! Diroctor Gneeecey! Please—come down right now! Dis ees not going to help your case! Dis vill not end vell.

DI: And stop jumping!

G: Me an’ Bob, Junior ain’t stinkin’ gonna come down—an’ we wanna jump!

JRRB: Order! Order! SFX: [Wood Demolition Bang] [Boing] [UtterAstonishShock] [Boing]

G: Ain’t comin’ down!

[Magic Spell]

We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.

And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing! 

Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###