Transcript / The Big Reveal – Episode 117, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In last week’s episode, “The Voice Transplant,” our stranded Earthling protagonist and Perswayssick County’s newly elected Grate Gizzy Nicki Rodriguez, has accompanied her canine-humanoid boss and landlord, former Grate Gizzy “Zig” Gneeecey to Voices Of Magic Intertechnological Technologies for his voice transplant. He’s hoping to come away with a deeper, more authoritative new sound—one that people won’t laugh at. Here, Nicki and Gneeecey listen as Doctor V. Cord explains the procedure.
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open]
DOCTOR V. CORD: Grate Gizzy Rodriguez, you may have a seat here. And Diroctor Gneeecey, please have a seat in this special chair. Don’t be intimidated by the equipment surrounding you.
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Stinkin’ awright. This chair’s comfoofortable, but it looks like I’m surroundicated by a bunch of gigaaantical purpoople dinosaurs gettin’ ready to barf on me!
DVC: Like I said, don’t be intimidated by this equipment. If you studied the literature contained in our “Welcome” packet, you should have seen that this is a very gentle process. High-tech but gentle.
G: Refreshicate my memory, please.
DVC: I’ll be happy to do that. First, we provide you with a series of different voices to choose from. Once you’ve made your choice, then we download that voice into you—electronically, sort of like downloading a new program onto your computer. It’s totally bloodless. No pain. Non-invasive. The newest technology. Let’s begin. And do keep in mind that your new voice will be permanent. You’ll find this process similar to that of choosing the correct lens for your new eyeglasses with your eye doctor.
G: Stinkin’ awright. Ain’t never got no glaaasses, though.
DVC: One more thing, Diroctor Gneeecey. I’m sure you read in our literature that we can also provide you with the new voice you’ve chosen for thinking—you know, so that voice in your head will match the voice that comes out of your mouth? It is another separate download.
G: An’ ya charge more for it, so nope, I ain’t gonna pay for thaaat. I jus’ want the regoogular basic package. Awready paid for it. It don’t matter what lousy voice I think in. Ain’t no one gonna hear me an’ laugh when I think to myself in my own dopey head.
DVC: Very well, Diroctor Gneeecey. We here at Voices of Magic Intertechnological Technologies just want to ensure that you’re aware of the special we’re running half-price this month only, with no interest charged until next year.
G: Awready stinkin’ said, I ain’t stinkin’ interesticated.
DVC: Very well. You’ve signed all the waivers, so let’s get started. Sit back, relax, and listen to the computer.
MACHINE: One: I’m “Zig” Gneeecey. Two: I’m “Zig” Gneeecey.
DVC: One or two?
G: Don’t like neither of ’em.
M: One: I’m “Zig” Gneeecey. Two: I’m “Zig” Gneeecey.
DVC: One or two?
G: Don’t like none of them neitherwise.
M: One: I’m “Zig” Gneeecey. Two: I’m “Zig” Gneeecey.
DVC: Well, one or two?
G: Don’t like stinkin’ neither of them neitherwise.
SFX: [Magic Spell]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Two hours later….
DVC: Well, one or two? One or two? Well? One or two?
G: Awready stinkin’ told ya, I don’t like none of these neitherwise!
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Hopefully, by next week, we’ll be able to present the grand reveal!
DVC: We may be here till next week….
SFX: [Rock Logo] [Magic Spell] [Car Engine] [Car Horns]
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, I can’t believe you’re not speaking after you spent all that money on your voice transplant! And why did you make me leave and wait here in the car at the very end when you were finally gonna choose your new voice? Well?
SFX: [Scribbling] [Paper Rustling]
N: Seriously…. You expect me to read your chicken scratch while I’m driving? Okay, light just turned red… let me take a look…. SFX: [Paper Rustling] You say you don’t wanna waste your new voice on me because it was so expensive? Are you feeling alright? SFX: [Car Horns] Light’s green. Ow! You don’t have to kick me! Uh, Diroctor Gneeecey, should we stop by the office—we’re real close here on Vompt Boulevard—or do you wanna go home—y’know, back to your mansion?
[Silence]
N: Why do I feel like I’m talking to myself?
SFX: [Scribbling] [Paper Rustling]
N: Ow! You didn’t have to shove the paper smack in my face while I’m driving! SFX: [Paper Rustling] Oh, it says, in gigantic letters, “HOME”! Okay, home to your castle in Saint Bogelthorpe Parke, we go.
SFX: [Explosion]
N: And that’s just another one of those so-called invisible explosions rocking our county that I’m supposed to deal with now that I’m Grate Gizzy. And y’know, Diroctor Gneeecey, I’m gonna need you to give me the executive password so I can—ow!
SFX: [Police Sirens] [Fire Engine Sirens] [Explosion] [Ambulance Sirens] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo] [Cuckoo Clock] [DoorLockUnlock] [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking]
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Hiya, Nicki! Hiya, Zig! Can’t wait to hear your new voice! An’ Grandma an’ Doctor Idnas can’t wait to get home an’ hear it either!
N: Flea, Diroctor Gneeecey’s refusing to speak.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
F: An’ he’s walkin’ like he’s real mad! Zig—watch out—I jus’ spilled a whole glass of fermented Slog there, an’ didn’t get to clean it up, an—
SFX: [Cartoon Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Duck Horn]
G: Yaaaaah! Jus’ fell on my lousy bimbus!
N & F: [Laughing]
G: What youse two stinkin’ laughin’ at?
G [thinking to himself]: It’s a real good thing they can’t hear me thinkin’ to myself, them two stinkin’ lousy spoilt-sclogg eatin’ Iggleheimer dopes. Glad I kept my old voice for thinkin’ in my own dopey head. Kinda comfortin’. Saved mon-ney, too!
SFX: [Explosions] [Police Sirens] [Fire Engine Sirens]
N: Here we go again. Sounds pretty close by, too. Flea, have you and your team found out any more about these invisible explosions? They’re not causing any damage, but they’re sure scaring our citizens.
F: No, Nicki. Me an’ our Specialized Tactical Undercover Paranormal Investigative Division ain’t no closer to seein’ who or what’s causin’ this.
G [thinking to himself]: STUPID is a perfect akookronym for anythin’ that stooopid Fleaglossitty’s part of. Sure is lucky them two can’t hear my thinkin’ voice…. Hey… Fleaglossitty’s lookin’ at me all funny. Wonder if his faulty ESP is kickin’ in….
N: Uh, Diroctor Gneeecey, now that I’m Grate Gizzy, and Perswayssick County’s problems are all pretty much mine—even though you are still our county’s Quality of Life Commissioner—I am going to need you to give me the executive password to your Top Secret Computer so I can, y’know, access the critical classified info I need to run things around here.
G: Awright…stinkin’ whatever. Got it here in my lousy T-shirt pocket. SFX: [Rustling Papers] Stinkin’ here… no, wait…that’s my mini terlit plunger wit’ some French Fries stuck to the handle… here it is, Ig—
N: Uh, that would be Nicki—
G: Okay, Ig. Here. SFX: [Rustling Papers]
N: The password is “The Ig Sux”?
G: Yep.
N: Can I change it?
G: Noooo!
G [thinking to himself]: Only I can do that, an’ I ain’t gonna!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell] [Hospital Room Ambience]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, in Perswayssick City’s Florence Ferguson Memorial Hospital, rotten Nurse Maudlyn sits at her nurse station desk rubbing her hands together with glee….
NURSE MAUDLYN: Ha, ha…. Wait till we go to court. That dastardly Diroctor Gneeecey will end up locked up, not me! I record all my calls, so I have electronic documentation of his high, nerdy voice here, ordering me to vote five zillion and three times!
SFX: [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Magic Spell] [Cuckoo Clock] [Human-Walk-Downstairs] [Sneakers Squeaking]
F: Zig! Zig! What’s the matter? Watch out—you’re gonna miss that bottom step an’—
SFX: [Cartoon Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Duck Horn]
G: We’re doomed! We’re all gonna die!
N & F [in unison]: Whaaat?
G: Youse guys! Stinkin’ come upstairs! Youse gotta see this!
SFX: [Human-Walk-Upstairs] [Sneakers Squeaking]
G: Looky! Looky! Every stinkin’ time I look through this here lens, it gets bigger! That means it’s gettin’ closer by the second! It’s comin’ right at us! It’s gonna destroy our whole dimension! No more Perswayssick County! Must have somethin’ to do wit’ the soopoopernatural invisibooble explosions!
F: Zig! Zig! For Bogelthorpe’s sake—that ain’t no telescope you’re lookin’ through! It’s your high-powered microscope! An’ you’re lookin’ at a slide labeled “Fast Growin’ Bacteria”!
N: In tiny letters underneath, it says, “Kluyveromyces Marxianus—however you say it—yeast!
G: Stinkin’ whatever….
G [thinking to himself]: Stinkin’ Iggleheimers are always tryin’ to make me look bad!
F: Nicki, did ya hear a kinda familiar, high, nerdy voice comin’ from somewhere?
N: Yeah, Flea—I think I did.
G: Impossibooble. I didn’t hear nuthin’.
G [thinking to himself]: Good thing them two can’t hear what I really think of them….
F: There it is again, Nicki!
N: Yeah!
SFX: [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###