Transcript / The Voice Transplant – Episode 116, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In our last episode, “I’m With Stupid,” after Nicki’s inauguration as Grate Gizzy of Perswayssick County, a series of explosions rock the entire county. And “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, also known as Sooperflea, is missing. Nicki, Doctor Idnas, and Grandma are worried sick. Gneeecey is also worried, in his own way, about his fellow canine-humanoid and childhood best friend….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [DoorLockUnlock] [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ, DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS, & THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA” [in unison]: Flea!
‘ZIG’ GNEEECEY: You’re late.
N: Where were you?
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Workin’.
N: What do you mean, working? You didn’t answer your phone, and the police hotline had no information about where you were!
DI: Flea, vee vere all vurried sick!
IS: Yah! Vee tought something happened to you—you know, vit’ all dose explosions!
N: And why are you smiling, Diroctor Gneeecey?
G: Forgot to tell ya, Ig. Fleaglossitty here is a member of our police force’s Specialized Tactical Undercover Paranormal Investigative Division.
F: That’s right, guys! I’m with STUPID.
G: Don’t stand right next to me an’ point your furry finger at me when ya say that, Fleaglossitty! An’ stop stinkin’ smilin’ like that!
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, what else have you forgotten to tell me about my new job? You forget to tell me anything else I need to know?
G: I don’t depreciate your snarkasm, Ig.
F: Guys…STUPID enlisted me ’cause of my ESP abilities—
G: —which ain’t so great these days.
F: Well, recently, I found the chief’s missin’, very expensive gold fountain pen.
G: Jus’ ’cause ya knew it was in the last place ya accidentally put it—your pocket.
F: I forgot I had borrowed it. But I gave it back. Anyway, guys, this one’s really beyond my pay grade.
N: How so, Flea?
F: Well, Nicki, these explosions, an’ they’re happenin’ all over Perswayssick County, they’re invisible.
N: Invisible explosions?
F: Yeah. An’ the funniest part is—
G: Ya really think any of this is even less funny?
F: Lemme finish, Zig. I was tryin’ to say, nuthin’ seems to be damaged anywhere. We’ve checked all over the county.
N: Someone’s out to scare us!
SFX: [Explosion] [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Spooky & Fun Logo] [RoosterCrow] [Cuckoo Clock] [Doorbell Ring [Door Pounds]
G: Heya, Fleaglossitty, will ya get your dopey bristle-butt bimbus over to the door an’ see who’s there?
F: Not if ya ask me like that, Zig. Ya gotta ask me nicer, or ya can go get it yourself.
G: Okay, would ya go get the lousy, stinkin’, crummy door awready?
F: Okay, Zig….
G: I’m expectin’ somethin’ real important that gotta be signed for.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Scribbling]
F: Thanks.
SFX: [Door Slam] [Sneakers Squeaking]
F: Heya, Zig, ya jus’ got a really big envelope from a place called VOMIT.
G: That is not vomit! For your stinkin’ information, Fleaglossitty, this is from Voices of Magic Intertechnological Technologies—y’know, VOMIT! It’s regardin’ my voice transplaaant!
SFX: [Ripping Envelope Open]
G: Yayyysickles! Yeehaw! I been accepted for my voice transplaaant! Soon, I’ll have a voice that no one won’t laugh at no more!
F: You’re not really goin’ through wit’ this, are ya, Zig?
G: Well, Fleaglossitty, you your stinkin’ self said my voice was high an’ nerdy—
F: Zig, I didn’t really mean—
G: At the Ig’s inordination ceremony, the whole crowd was laughin’ at meee when I commaaanded everyone to shaaadup so we could begin inordinatin’ the Ig as Grate Gizzy. But they listened to that lousy Bassett Hound canine-humanoid Jacob J. Qwertyuiop ’cause his lousy voice sounded more authortitavical.
F: Surgery can be kinda, y’know, dangerous, Zig. Risky. I wish you’d reconsider. I mean, you’ve had this high, nerdy voice your whole life.
G: It ain’t dangerousical! An’ I got that court case comin’ up, y’know, wit’ that rotten Nurse Maudlyn accuseratin’ me of authorizatin’ her to vote five zillion an’ three times. I gotta sound serious an’ believaboobical in court when the prosecutioner double-crosses me.
F: Ya mean, when the prosecutor cross-examines ya—
G: Stinkin’ whatever—when the prosecutioner cross-examinates me, I gotta have a cool an’ scary voice!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking]
N: Hi, guys. Bad morning, as we, uh, say in this dimension of Perswayssick County….
F: Bad mornin’, Nicki.
G: Hey, ya lousy Ig, I need ya to take me to—
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, I’m not taking you anywhere if you speak to me like that.
G: Whassamatter, Ig? The wall got up on the wrong side of ya this mornin’?
N: Name’s Nicki, and you need to learn about respect.
G: Haaah?
N: Respect. Here’s a dictionary. Look it up.
SFX: [Rustling Papers]
G: R-E-S-P-E-K-T…. Ain’t in here. Ya sure ya didn’t make that word up? Anyways, Ig, I need ya to take me to VOMIT.
N: Uh, can’t you do that yourself?
F: It’s to Voices of Magic Intertechnological Technologies, Nicki. Regardin’ his voice transplant. An’ I got reservations.
G: Ya don’t need a reservation for this, Fleaglossitty. Ya need an appointment, An’ they gave me one for two o’clock this afternoon. C’mon, Ig—we gotta get goin’!
SFX: [Rock Logo] [Magic Spell]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Meanwhile, across town, in Florence Ferguson Memorial Hospital….
SFX: [Hospital Room Ambience]
NURSE MAUDLYN: Oh, Gongilafromba, may I have a word with you?
DOCTOR GONGILAFROMBA FROMBILAGONGA: Dat ees Doctor Frombilagonga to you. And make eet fast. I’m vary busy right now.
NM: Well, I have to appear in court next week. I have a case against that dastardly Diroctor Gneeecey, you know, for ordering me, as Grate Gizzygalumpaggis of Perswayssick County, to vote five zillion and three times in our recent county election.
DF: Make eet snappy, Nurse Maudlyn. I told you, make eet snappy.
NM: I merely wanted to ask you if this lovely new hat I’m modeling for you makes me look like a respectable and credible litigant.
DF: Eet makes your butt look big.
NM: What?
DF: Your butt. You know. Your bimbus. Eet makes eet look big. Now, get on vit’ your rounds here because you have more vaiting for you crosstown at Holy Krapp. Dey are short-staffed today.
NM: Well!
SFX: [Door Slam]
NM: Okay, patients! Injection time!
SFX: [Door Open] [Male Scream 3] [Door Slam] [Door Open] [Male Scream 6] [Door Slam] [Door Open] [Scream]
NM: Didn’t hurt me!
SFX: [Door Slam] [Fail Horn] [Magic Spell] [Car Engine] [Car Horns] [Harley Engine] [Explosion]
N: Oh no—more explosions!
SFX: [Police Sirens] [Fire Engine Sirens]
G: Jus’ keep goin’, Ig—them explosions are in back of us now!
N: But—
G: Like Fleaglossitty says, they’re invisible, an’ there ain’t never no damage. An’ besides, it’s your problem now.
N: I may be Perswayssick County’s new Grate Gizzy, but you’re still Quality of Life Commissioner, and—
G: What are ya stinkin’ waitin’ for, Ig—that lousy stop sign to turn green?
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, my name is Nicki. And I have to wait for those pedestrians to cross the street.
G: They’re walkin’ kinda slow.
N: It looks like a group of senior citizens.
G: Why don’cha rev the engine an’ give ’em a little scare? It’s almost Halloween. Your Earth actually stole that holiday from us! C’mon—scare ’em! Maybe they’ll give us some candy!
N: Seriously….
G: I know a shortcut!
N: Not that one-way Rapunzel Street where you almost got us killed on the way to my inauguration. Nope. And we’re not even late….
G: Stinkin’ yet, Ig.
N: Look, we’re here already. Corner of Dorkchester Drive and Edgar Vompt Boulevard. I see the building right over there.
G: Yeah. What a beaudiful piece of arkookiteckture! Look at them big, gigaaantical, shiny silver letters that spell VOMIT. How claaassy! Them letters must be a zillion feet high—musta cost the company a mint! I hope they don’t pass them expenses down to us clients!
N: With a name like that, the building probably needs a breath mint…. A freakin’ big one….
G: Hurry up an’ park, Ig!
SFX: [Cartoon 1] [Magic Spell] [Elevator Bells] [Sneakers Squeaking]
N: Diroctor Gneeecey—watch out—the sign says “wet floor”—
SFX: [Cartoon Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Comedy Accent]
G: Yaaaaaah—jus’ fell on my lousy bimbus!
DOCTOR V. CORD: Why hello. Sorry you fell. That “wet floor” sign relieves us of all liability. Let me help you up.
G: The Ig will help me up.
N: C’mon, Diroctor—
G: I don’t need no stinkin’ help!
SFX: [Cartoon Slip] [Slip & Fall] [Comedy Accent]
G: Yaaaaah—
DVC: I think you do need some help. Here. You must be Diroctor Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey.
G: Yeah, stinkin’ one an’ the same. County Quality of Life Commissioner, Owner an’ CEO of the GAS BROADCAST NETWORK, pooprietor of Gneeezle’s Restaurant, an’ also still the Ig’s boss here. I am the soon-to-be Grate Gizzy again.
N: [clears throat]
DVC: And may I also extend a warm welcome to you, Grate Gizzy Rodriguez. Congratulations.
N: Why, thank you.
DVC: I’m Doctor V. Cord, and I’m pleased to have you as a client, Diroctor Gneeecey. Both of you, please come this way. I’ve got everything set up for you in this room here.
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open]
DVC: Grate Gizzy Rodriguez, you may have a seat here. And Diroctor Gneeecey, please have a seat in this special chair. Don’t be intimidated by the equipment surrounding you.
G: Stinkin’ awright. This chair’s comfoofortable, but it looks like I’m surroundicated by a bunch of gigaaantical purpoople dinosaurs gettin’ ready to barf on me!
DVC: Like I said, don’t be intimidated by this equipment. If you studied the literature contained in our “Welcome” packet, you should have seen that this is a very gentle process. High-tech but gentle.
G: Refreshicate my memory, please.
DVC: I’ll be happy to do that. First, we provide you with a series of different voices to choose from. Once you’ve made your choice, then we download that voice into you—electronically, sort of like downloading a new program onto your computer. It’s totally bloodless. No pain. Non-invasive. The newest technology. Let’s begin. And do keep in mind that your new voice will be permanent. You’ll find this process similar to that of choosing the correct lens for your new eyeglasses with your eye doctor.
G: Stinkin’ awright. Ain’t never got no glaaasses, though.
DVC: One more thing, Diroctor Gneeecey. I’m sure you read in our literature that we can also provide you with the new voice you’ve chosen for thinking—you know, so that voice in your head will match the voice that comes out of your mouth? It is another separate download.
G: An’ ya charge more for it, so nope, I ain’t gonna pay for thaaat. I jus’ want the regoogular basic package. Awready paid for it. It don’t matter what lousy voice I think in. Ain’t no one gonna hear me an’ laugh when I think to myself in my own dopey head.
DVC: Very well, Diroctor Gneeecey. We here at Voices of Magic Intertechnological Technologies just want to ensure that you’re aware of the special we’re running half-price this month only, with no interest charged until next year.
G: Awready stinkin’ said, I ain’t stinkin’ interesticated.
DVC: Very well. You’ve signed all the waivers, so let’s get started. Sit back, relax, and listen to the computer.
MACHINE: One: I’m “Zig” Gneeecey. Two: I’m “Zig” Gneeecey.
DVC: One or two?
G: Don’t like neither of ’em.
M: One: I’m “Zig” Gneeecey. Two: I’m “Zig” Gneeecey.
DVC: One or two?
G: Don’t like none of them neitherwise.
M: One: I’m “Zig” Gneeecey. Two: I’m “Zig” Gneeecey.
DVC: Well, one or two?
G: Don’t like stinkin’ neither of them neitherwise.
SFX: [Magic Spell]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: Two hours later….
DVC: Well, one or two? One or two? Well? One or two?
G: Awready stinkin’ told ya, I don’t like none of these neitherwise!
N: Hopefully, by next week, we’ll be able to present the grand reveal!
DVC: We may be here till next week….
SFX: [Rock Logo] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com.
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###
