“I’m with STUPID” – Episode 115
After Nicki’s inauguration as Grate Gizzy of Perswayssick County, explosions rock Seemingwhale Square and beyond. And Sooperflea is missing!
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Transcript / I’m with STUPID – Episode 115, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Pouring Rain With A Thunderstorm] [Police Sirens] [Fire Engine Sirens] [Ambulance Sirens]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In our last episode, “The Inauguration,” canine-humanoid Diroctor “Zig” Gneeecey swears in his Earthling successor and employee/boarder Nicki Rodriguez just in the nick of time—no pun intended—as Grate Gizzygalumpaggis of Perswayssick County, the land’s highest office, before the bad guys—The Surprise Party—can take charge, by default….
SFX: [Magic Spell]
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Now, my dear snitizens, let’s all clap for our new Grate Gizzy so we can leave an’ go home. Looks like rain!
SFX: [Audience Applause] [Crowd Booing]
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: Diroctor, don’t I get to make this speech I prepared?
G: No, Ig. We never make speeches at our inordination. We don’t wanna remind voters of our campaign promises that we ain’t gonna keep.
SFX: [Pouring Rain With A Thunderstorm]
G: C’mon, Ig. Let’s go—before we stinkin’ get soaked!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Explosion] [UtterAstonishShock]
N: What the—
G: Don’t worry, Ig—the rain will put out the lousy explosion! C’mon, let’s go!
SFX: [Police Sirens] [Fire Engine Sirens] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell] Pouring Rain With A Thunderstorm] [Fire Engine Sirens] [Ambulance Sirens] [Police Sirens] [Explosions] [UtterAstonishShock] [Car Horns] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Human Footsteps]
N: Holy crap—more explosions!
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Nicki! Diroctor Gneeecey! Tank goodness you are alright! Dis ees terrifying!
G: Welcome to your new job, Ig! Ya swore in jus’ in time—all this is your problem, now!
N: May I remind you, you’re still County Quality of Life Commissioner?
G: Stinkin’ whatever! Now, let’s get outta here!
POLICE OFFICER: I must order you to leave now! We need to clear and secure this area now!
N: But, Officer, I’m Grate Gizzy now, and I—
G: An’ we sign your paychecks!
PO: I’m sorry, but we need everyone out! I must order all of you to leave immediately.
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: But vee can’t leave vitout Sooperflea! Vhere ees Flea?
DI: Yah—vee cannot leave Flea behind! Vee must find him!
N: Officer, have you seen Sooperflea? He’s well-known—he’s our county superhero! You can’t miss him—he’s a black canine-humanoid and wears a red cape, and—
PO—Sorry, Ms. Grate Gizzy, but I’m asking you and your party to leave, for the last time! If you don’t, we’ll have to remove you! And, as Grate Gizzy, you have a hotline to our police department.
SFX: [Explosion] [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo] [Cuckoo Clock]
DI: Nicki, have you been able to find out anyting about our Sooperflea?
N: No, Doctor Idnas. Each time I call the police hotline, they say they have no news about Flea. I have this funny feeling they’re holding something back. Like, they’re not telling me something. When I call his cellphone number, it just says his voicemail is full. And they have no leads on who or what’s causing these explosions!
G: Y’know, I wonder, is a zebra a horse wit’ stripes, or stripes wit’ a horse?
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, how can you even think about nonsense like that at a time like this? Flea’s your best friend!
SFX: [Doorbell Ring] [Door Pound]
N: I’ll get it—it might be news about Flea!
SFX: [Doorbell Ring] [Door Pound] [Sneakers Squeaking]
N: Coming! Coming!
SFX: [Door Open] [Scary Ambience]
REDHEADED BROKEN-NOSED MARK (DOROTHY): It’s me, Dorothy.
N: Yeah. I see. And I want you to leave now before I call the cops on you again. I’m sure you were responsible for that explosion we had on our property here—y’know, Diroctor Gneeecey’s outhouse blowing up, and—
RBM: Hold up. Hold up. I just come over here to offer ya, our new Grate Gizzy, our congratulations. Y’know, on your new title.
N: Yeah. Alright. Thanks. Now leave.
RBM: An’ ’cause of that, me an’ our Perswayssick Girls Club think ya might need some kinda, y’know, protection, wit’ all the dangerous stuff happenin’ around here these days. Heh, heh….
N: Not interested. Now, leave, or like I said, I will call the cops!
RBM: Awright…awright…. Your choice. Ya know where to find me when ya change your mind. G’bye.
SFX: [Door Slam] [Magic Spell] [Halloween Music Box Cinematic Logo] [Cuckoo Clock]
N: Still nothing about Flea.
G: Even I’m stinkin’ nervous now…. We got any more Mrs. Dammit’s Sloggenberry Pie in the fridge?
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, how can you even think of food at a time like this?
G: I’m always hungry when I’m nervous, Ig. Lemme go take a look in the kitchen. Ya want any if I find some?
G: Well, ya don’t gotta say it like thaaat, so oogdimonious!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Doorbell Ring]
N: I’d love to think that’s Flea ringing the doorbell because he’s lost his keys.
SFX: [Doorbell Ring] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Sharp Eerie Scary Logo]
N: Why, Professor Wallbang…. It’s rather late to come calling, isn’t it?
PROFESSOR WILLARD WALLBANG: Good evening, Ms. Rodriguez, or should I say, Grate Gizzygalumpaggis Rodriguez. Yes, it is rather late to come calling. I merely wanted to ensure that you have not forgotten our last little conversation.
N: Oh, you mean when you reminded me that despite my new title, I’m still financially liable for damages to your school property due to my accident resulting in a severe head injury and that I unwittingly signed a contract legally committing myself to attending—and financing—a full load of classes for the Perswayssick Superhero Academy’s entire academic school year?
PWW: Precisely, Ms. Rodriguez, precisely. I’m glad that your head injury has not caused your memory to fail you. As for your other faculties, we shall see.
N: Right now, Professor Wallbang, I have a bit too much on my plate to think about this.
PWW: Are you admitting that you are unable to multitask, then?
N: Not unable. Unwilling.
PWW: Perhaps circumstances will adjust your rather unfortunate attitude. Au revoir, Ms. Rodriguez.
SFX: [Door Slam]
G: Heya, Ig, ya want some of this here pie before I finish it? It’s a little past its expiration date, but that gives it a extra special flavor.
N: Uh, no thanks.
G: Ya sure? Soon, there won’t be none left.
N: No. I already said no. No, thank you!
G: Looks like someone needs a little attitude adjustment!
DI: Nicki ees just vary nervous, Diroctor Gneeecey.
IS: Yah. Vee all are.
G: Well, why do youse stinkin’ think I’m eatin’ this lousy pie? It’s my dopey way of bein’ nervous!
SFX: [DoorLockUnlock] [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking]
N, DI, & IS [in unison]: Flea!
G: You’re late.
N: Where were you?
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Workin’.
N: What do you mean, working? You didn’t answer your phone, and the police hotline had no information about where you were!
DI: Flea, vee vere all vurried sick!
IS: Yah! Vee tought something happened to you—you know, vit’ all dose explosions!
N: And why are you smiling, Diroctor Gneeecey?
G: Forgot to tell ya, Ig. Fleaglossitty here is a member of our police force’s Specialized Tactical Undercover Paranormal Investigative Division.
F: That’s right, guys! I’m with STUPID.
G: Don’t stand right next to me an’ point your furry finger at me when ya say that, Fleaglossitty! An’ stop stinkin’ smilin’ like that!
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, what else have you forgotten to tell me about my new job? You forget to tell me anything else I need to know?
G: I don’t depreciate your snarkasm, Ig.
F: Guys…STUPID enlisted me ’cause of my ESP abilities—
G: —which ain’t so great these days.
F: Well, recently, I found the chief’s missin’, very expensive gold fountain pen.
G: Jus’ ’cause ya knew it was in the last place ya accidentally put it—your pocket.
F: I forgot I had borrowed it. But I gave it back. Anyway, guys, this one’s really beyond my pay grade.
N: How so, Flea?
F: Well, Nicki, these explosions, an’ they’re happenin’ all over Perswayssick County, they’re invisible.
N: Invisible explosions?
F: Yeah. An’ the funniest part is—
G: Ya really think any of this is even less funny?
F: Lemme finish, Zig. I was tryin’ to say, nuthin’ seems to be damaged anywhere. We’ve checked all over the county.
N: Someone’s out to scare us!
SFX: [Explosion] [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###