Transcript / The Inauguration – Episode 114, written by Vicki Solá.
All content © 2023 Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.
Music/Intro: Hi there, I’m author and radio host Vicki Solá, welcoming you to Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy. I invite you to escape with me into the bizarre dimension of Perswayssick County, where wackiness rules! The laughs begin when I morph into my alter ego, radio DJ Nicki Rodriguez and clash with the zany, alien canine-humanoid Gneeecey! And now, I turn it over to my other self, Nicki, and the gang….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [25 Police Station] [Police Sirens]
NARRATOR VICKI SOLÁ: In our last episode, “Wrong Way! Do Not Enter!”, Perswayssick County’s soon-to-be-former Grate Gizzygalumpaggis “Zig” Gneeecey decides to attend his Earthling successor Nicki Rodriguez’s inauguration when he hears on TV that only he may swear her in at noon precisely, as mandated by their county constitution. Otherwise, The Surprise Party takes control by default. And furthermore, Gneeecey will suffer consequences. He will forfeit his title of Perswayssick County Quality of Life Commissioner, including all pay, and will be ineligible to run for any county office for the remainder of his lifetime. As they have only forty-five minutes to make it to Seemingwhale Square, Gneeecey, his fellow canine-humanoid pal “Flea” Fleaglossitty Floppinsplodge, also known as Sooperflea, Nicki, and her fellow humans Doctor Alexandra C. Idnas and therapist Ingabore Scriblig, also known as “Grandma,” jump into the car—with the reckless Gneeecey driving. Accidents piling up behind them, Gneeecey is finally pulled over when he insists that he knows a shortcut and zooms through a thoroughfare whose sign reads, “Wrong Way! Do Not Enter!”
Gneeecey ends up locked up in a nearby cell occupied by the nefarious Nurse Maudlyn. She’s being held because she voted five zillion and three times after being advised to, she claims, by Gneeecey himself. Turns out she and the canine-humanoid are being represented by the same attorney, John Smiff, Equestrian. He hasn’t returned their telephone calls but comes saunters into their midst, having made a deal for them to walk…if they both agree to the terms….
SFX: [Magic Spell] [Door Open]
JOHN SMIFF, EQUESTRIAN: Hey, guys, it’s me!
DIROCTOR BIZZIG “ZIG” GNEEECEY: Hey—is that yooou, John Smiff, Equestrian? Ain’t seen ya in years! Your hair’s gray—it used to be dark! Only know ya by your voice ’cause I always hear it on your voicemail! Ya musta come in person this time ’cause ya smelled mon-ney!
NURSE MAUDLYN: John Smiff, I trust that you listened carefully to my message and know who’s at fault here!
JSE: Hold onto your skivvies, both of ya!
G: Hers mus’ be priddy big!
NM: And yours must be pretty dirty!
JSE: Look, I represent both of youse here—
NICKI RODRIGUEZ: That doesn’t even sound legal! I’ve studied our county’s constitution and—
JSE: Well, Miss, ya musta missed Section BS 399, Article 43. Now, let’s not waste time here. I jus’ cut a deal so both of youse could walk—for now. We’ll discuss details later. Youse jus’ both gotta agree to it.
NM: Well, John, I certainly agree to let that fraudster walk if it means that I can.
JSE: And you, Diroctor Gneeecey?
G: That’s like askin’ me to choose between my mon-ney an’ my life!
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, please! You and I only have fifteen minutes to get to Seemingwhale Square before all is lost!
G: Gotta think about it. Hey, Mister Police, whose paychecks I sign, can I go to the bathroom?
POLICE OFFICER 2: Yeah, but unfortunately for me, I have to accompany ya.
SFX: [DoorLockUnlock] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Door Open] [Door Slam] [Clock Tick] [Toilet Flush] [Door Open] [Sneakers Squeaking] [Music Logo Big Band] [Cinematic Boom A] [Clock Tick]
“FLEA” FLEAGLOSSITTY FLOPPINSPLODGE, AKA “SOOPERFLEA”: Well, Zig?
N: Yeah, Diroctor, what’s it gonna be? The fate of Perswayssick County is hanging in the balance!
DOCTOR ALEXANDRA C. IDNAS: Yah, vit only minutes to go!
THERAPIST INGABORE SCRIBLIG, AKA “GRANDMA”: Yah! Vell, Diroctor Gneeeecey?
SFX: [Clock Tick louder]
N: Well?
G: I done thunk it over when I was usin’ the bathroom, an’ I come to the concussion that if I decided to punish her, I’d be punishin’ meee worse…so let’s stinkin’ go! C’mon, guys, ya wanna make us late so the baaad guys take over?
SFX: [Rock Logo] [Magic Spell] [Car Engine] [Car Horns]
G: What’cha waitin’ for that lousy stop sign to turn green? Put the metal to the pedal, Fleaglossitty!
F: I didn’t even stop yet, Zig!
DI: Vee are fortunate dat dis car ees even vurking after dat collision!
N: Yeah, and that it wasn’t impounded.
G: They wouldn’t dare impounderate my car!
F: Oh yeah? They locked ya up, didn’t they?
G: I’m stinkin’ Grate Gizzy of this here county!
F: Yeah, for seven more minutes!
G: Shaaaddup an’ drive!
F: I aaam!
G: Yeah, but’cha ain’t drivin’ too good! Ya don’t do nuthin’ too good, do ya?
F: Come over here an’ say that!
G: I aaam over here—on the lousy front seat, right next to ya!
N: Guys—guys—c’mon—please! We have four minutes to save Perswayssick County!
G: No, we got three minutes! I know a shortcut—make a left onto Rapunzel Street there!
N: Not another one of your shortcuts, Diroctor Gneeecey!
F: Besides, it’s a one-way street!
G: But it don’t say which way, so whoever goes on it first, it’s their way! An’ I’m Grate Gizzy!
SFX: [Parade Marching Band] [Car Horns] [Police Sirens]
DI: Tank goodness vee are here!
N: With, like, a minute or two to spare!
G: Don’t that band know no other lousy song to play?
F: No, Zig. That’s the only piece you authorized them to play.
G: Well, we got a limitrated budget. Music costs mon-ney, ya know! Sometimes it ain’t cost deficient to pay for more.
N: Diroctor Gneeecey, we’d better get up there on the stage!
G: Oh, looky—they see that we’re here!
SFX: [UtterAstonishShock]
G: C’mon, ya Iggarooney, what’re ya waitin’ for?
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Cartoon Slip] [Slip and Fall] [Duck Horn] [Audience Laughing]
G: Jus’ fell on my lousy bimbus again!
SFX: [Crowd Booing] [Audience Laughing]
G: They’re proboobably booin’ yooou, Ig! They want me as their Grate Gizzy, not yooou!
F: Zig, they’re booin’ you!
G: Haaah? Impossibooble!
F: Look, Zig, a whole bunch of ’em are wearin’ T-shirts printed wit’ your face in a circle—wit’ a slash through it! Now, get up!
N: C’mon, Diroctor Gneeecey! Jacob J. Qwertyuiop is on the stage waiting for us!
G: Ehh—let that dopey Bassett Hound-humanoid stinkin’ wait!
N: Qwertyuiop is also your Vice Quality of Life Commissioner. If we’re late and you’re stripped of your title, maybe he’ll become the next—
G: Let’s get up on that lousy stage! Now!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Human Footsteps]
G: Bad mornin’, Qwertyuiop.
JACOB J. QWERTYUIOP: Uh, that would be afternoon, Sir.
G: Don’t contradictorate me! I’m still Grate Gizzy—
JJQ: For one more minute, Sir.
SMALL CROWD: Free Nurse Maudlyn! Free Nurse Maudlyn! Free Nurse Maudlyn!
G: Everyone, pleeeeaze shaaadup!
CITIZEN: Ha! Listen to that high, nerdy voice!
SFX: [Audience Laughing]
G: That stinkin’ does it—I’m definitely gettin’ me one of them lousy voice transplants. No one takes me serious!
NM: Tis I! Thank you, my loyal people! Be not afraid—but be very afraid! Our Surprise Party shall triumph!
SMALL CROWD: Yay, Maudlyn! Yay, Maudlyn!
JJQ: Order! Order!
SFX: [UtterAstonishShock]
G: That does it—I’m callin’ the voice transplant company when we get home.
JJQ: Grate Gizzygalumpaggis Gneeecey—
G: Hereby stinkin’ legally shortened to Grate Gizzy, to conservate vowels an’ consonants—
JJQ: Have you, as is tradition, brought a copy of our Grand Oogitty-Boogitty’s revered Plookenblook to swear Ms. Rodriguez in?
G: Nope. Ain’t brung it. Too much goin’ on. But I got this here copy of my unauthorized autobiography in my T-shirt pocket. It’ll have to do. We’ll do a informal swearin’-in later, back at the mansion.
JJQ: Very well, Sir. You may proceed to administer the oath of office to Ms. Rodriguez.
G: Okay, Ig, put your hairless human hand on this here book an’ replooplicate these words exactly as I say ’em. I, Bizzig “Zig” Gneeecey—
N: [clears throat]
G: I mean, heh, heh, I, the Ig, do solemnically swear…
N: I, Nicole Marie Rodriguez, do solemnly swear—
G: That ain’t what I said, Ig!
N: Just get on with it, will ya?
G: …to upholdicate the constitution of Perswayssick County, an’ to faithfoothfully igzonerate the tallest office of Grate Gizzygalumpaggis, hereforthically to be known as Grate Gizzy in order to conservate igspensive vowels an’ consonants…
N: …to uphold the constitution of Perswayssick County, and, uh, to faithfully execute the highest office of Grate Gizzygalumpaggis—
G: That’s Grate Gizzy now!
N: But, you said to say—
G: Nevermind. Jus’ get on wit’ it—
N: Henceforth to be known as Grate Gizzy, in order to, uh, conserve expensive vowels and consonants…
G: An’ to the best of my aboobaboobability, preserverate an’ defenderate the constitution an’ County of Perswayssick…
N: And, to the best of my ability, preserve and defend the constitution and County of Perswayssick…
G: Furthoothermore, I realizate that I am now considered an eccentrical worker, an’ my availavoolabilty is requirated to be twenny-four/seven.
N: Uh, furthermore, I realize that I am now considered an essential worker and am to be available twenty-four/seven…just like I have been since I arrived in this dimension and began working for you.
G: Don’t get intelligent wit’ meee, Ig. Now, my dear snitizens, let’s all clap for our new Grate Gizzy so we can leave an’ go home. Looks like rain!
SFX: [Audience Applause] [Crowd Booing]
N: Diroctor, don’t I get to make this speech I prepared?
G: No, Ig. We never make speeches at our inordination. We don’t wanna remind voters of our campaign promises that we ain’t gonna keep.
SFX: [Pouring Rain With A Thunderstorm]
G: C’mon, Ig. Let’s go—before we stinkin’ get soaked!
SFX: [Sneakers Squeaking] [Explosion] [UtterAstonishShock]
N: What the—
G: Don’t worry, Ig—the rain will put out the lousy explosion! C’mon, let’s go!
SFX: [Police Sirens] [Fire Engine Sirens] [Fail Horn] [Orchestra Cliffhanger] [Magic Spell]
We hope you enjoyed this week’s episode! We thank Marysol Rodriguez, Sal Solá, Sandi Solá, Marcellina Ramirez, Rick “El Molestoso” Rivera, Diane L., Brunie Cariño, Toni Aponte, and Aileen Bean for being generous supporting members through BuyMeACoffee.com
And thank you for tuning in to “Perswayssick Radio: Unearthly Comedy.” We hope you enjoyed traveling to this loopy dimension with us and that you’ll come along again! Our new episodes drop every Tuesday morning! Please make sure to tell a friend! And keep on laughing!
Frank: It’s a Gneeecey thing! [SFX: Door Slam] ###
